Going back home

[nane1104 146]

Have him read this thread...

[Thai family 0]

Tashyta,

I looked at my notes from recent lecture on PTSD by Dr. Yuvai Neira, one of the leading experts in the field and a survivor himself. The first thing I have written down is that survivors have trouble with attachment in relationships. This sounds precisely like your situation.

Everyone who goes to a war zone is changed in some way, even if they weren't in direct combat. No place was or is safe in Iraq. Now veterans centers are being set up in more and more locations. http://www1.va.gov/directory/guide/vetcenter.asp They'd probably be willing talk to you without him there.

Since he is still in the NG he should have access to legal services (JAG) at the nearest military installation of any size.

You can call Military One-Source and they can direct you. http://www4.army.mil/ocpa/read.php?story_id_key=5183 The only obstacle I can see there is that you are not considered his dependent by the military until you are married. They can point you in the right direction, though.

I'll pray that you make the right decision and whatever you choose, that all will be well with you and with him, too. Please thank him for me for his service.

Blessings

[Niels Bohr 72]

The problem should be on re-entry, not in leaving. You entered legally, and you overstayed. Being out of status is unlawful, but not illegal, which means you'll incur a ban, but since you're leaving, there's no reason for them to detain you on your way out.

Amsterdam won't give you any problems with U.S. immigration.

Sorry, I couldn't understand these two. Could you explain unlawful and illegal. Maybe I'm not getting it, seriously, I don't.

[Arkayel 1]

Tashyta,

The people mean well who are replying to you. My outlook might sound harsh, but from the clues you give I think it is accurate.

You mention he already gave excuses when you first came, and you did not get married within the original 90 days. There was nothing new for him except he actually had to make the decision then. There are many people here who have to make this decision within the 90 days. Most marry well before this. If he wants more time, he can visit you at your home for a few months. Actually, I have little patience for this kind of excuse. It is pretty stupid since the whole process of the Fiancee Visa is a risk. it seems pretty cruel of him to get you in trouble with the law because he has these stupid excuses...

To me he made his decision and has kept you in misery ever since. You need to go. He is not going to change at this time. Maybe he will wake up when you are gone. But with you here he has no reason to change things, he has you to comfort him as he lets you... And let's face it, he is being very selfish. How can he say he is trying to keep you from his problems? You obviously are very worried now. How can it be worse if you were married? There are so many married couples that have had hard times, and he is just giving you excuses.

As far as any problems because of being deployed in Iraq. Who cares? I say this is harsh, but as with anyone with a problem such as PTSD or Financial or Drugs, or Alcohol, or anything else, if you are not ready for help it will not be successful if others try to force it.

So you should go. That is the only way you will know if he really loves you and cares. As I say, he is being very selfish to keep you in misery and to have you in trouble with the government for his own comfort. He needs tough love! And when you go you can get a fresh perspective away from him. Maybe you will see that he has been using you, or just that he is confused. But no matter what, you cannot help him until he is ready. And he will just drag you down farther at this time! You need to take care of yourself and do not try all this band-aid stuff other people are suggesting. He is just not ready or caring enough for growing your relationship any farther. And you have to be aware of this harsh fact. Sorry that you are in pain.

Best Wishes.

[Army_Wife 2]

He injured his back in Iraq and hi is not deployable for now but the military requires from him a surgery which should be done in couple months. and usually after surgeries you should stayin the bed for couplemore months which he can't afford with business problems.

Has he applyed for compensation? with a back injury and PTSD he'd be getting a good pay off for the rest of his life .... financial issues wouldn't be such a problem for you guys then.

http://www.military.com/benefits/military-...ty-compensation

He'll also get more if you guys were married ..... with kids, it goes up again.

close to 4 years, but to know each other on the distance and start to live with each other ad get to know each other closely are different. When I came here I found out that he is absolutely different person from the one I used to know

When you have PTSD you develop coping mechanisms ..... and often only show the face of what you feel is acceptable to other people. You obviously never spent time with him in his 'own space' and got to see what he is like on a daily basis (I'm presuming from your posting) ..... this is a shame as it would've given you insight into the day to day living of a war veteran ..... and quite honestly, they can be a bit wierd at times (to most people), but if you research the reasons, you'll understand.

What those guys go through out there is quite unpleasant (I actually am one of the spouses who's been told and not protected from the truth, but then, I can deal with it, most couldn't) ..... and I think you mentioned he was out there with the Army .... that would mean he would've been out there for a year at a time probably (deployments are now 15 months) .... a year of dealing with death everyday without a doubt warps your perspective of reality.

So yes, he will be different ..... and he will need more time and patience than the normal civilian guys .... and a s**t load of support.

It takes a tough guy to deal with what they deal with out there ..... a tougher one to come home without committing suicide (many do) ..... but it takes a tougher lady behind him to deal with all the bagage he came home with.

Only you can make the decision of whether you're up to the job.

Tashyta,

I looked at my notes from recent lecture on PTSD by Dr. Yuvai Neira, one of the leading experts in the field and a survivor himself. The first thing I have written down is that survivors have trouble with attachment in relationships. This sounds precisely like your situation.

Everyone who goes to a war zone is changed in some way, even if they weren't in direct combat. No place was or is safe in Iraq. Now veterans centers are being set up in more and more locations. http://www1.va.gov/directory/guide/vetcenter.asp They'd probably be willing talk to you without him there.

Since he is still in the NG he should have access to legal services (JAG) at the nearest military installation of any size.

You can call Military One-Source and they can direct you. http://www4.army.mil/ocpa/read.php?story_id_key=5183 The only obstacle I can see there is that you are not considered his dependent by the military until you are married. They can point you in the right direction, though.

I'll pray that you make the right decision and whatever you choose, that all will be well with you and with him, too. Please thank him for me for his service.

Blessings

This is good information. And I would like to thank him for his service too .... I appreciate greatly what these boys do.

Tashyta,

The people mean well who are replying to you. My outlook might sound harsh, but from the clues you give I think it is accurate.

You mention he already gave excuses when you first came, and you did not get married within the original 90 days. There was nothing new for him except he actually had to make the decision then. There are many people here who have to make this decision within the 90 days. Most marry well before this. If he wants more time, he can visit you at your home for a few months. Actually, I have little patience for this kind of excuse. It is pretty stupid since the whole process of the Fiancee Visa is a risk. it seems pretty cruel of him to get you in trouble with the law because he has these stupid excuses...

To me he made his decision and has kept you in misery ever since. You need to go. He is not going to change at this time. Maybe he will wake up when you are gone. But with you here he has no reason to change things, he has you to comfort him as he lets you... And let's face it, he is being very selfish. How can he say he is trying to keep you from his problems? You obviously are very worried now. How can it be worse if you were married? There are so many married couples that have had hard times, and he is just giving you excuses.

As far as any problems because of being deployed in Iraq. Who cares? I say this is harsh, but as with anyone with a problem such as PTSD or Financial or Drugs, or Alcohol, or anything else, if you are not ready for help it will not be successful if others try to force it.

So you should go. That is the only way you will know if he really loves you and cares. As I say, he is being very selfish to keep you in misery and to have you in trouble with the government for his own comfort. He needs tough love! And when you go you can get a fresh perspective away from him. Maybe you will see that he has been using you, or just that he is confused. But no matter what, you cannot help him until he is ready. And he will just drag you down farther at this time! You need to take care of yourself and do not try all this band-aid stuff other people are suggesting. He is just not ready or caring enough for growing your relationship any farther. And you have to be aware of this harsh fact. Sorry that you are in pain.

Best Wishes.

I think the comment that you made (which I've put in bold) is the most disgraceful thing I've heard in a long while, and I, like all Military spouses who live and breath their military lives on a daily basis will back me on saying that your comment was highly offensive!

You obviously have absolutely no idea as to what the troops out there are having to deal with .... of course you won't as the news on the T.V. cannot actually show you.

Try watching your closest friends being blown up in front of your face .... try having to shoot people on a daily basis because your life and your colleagues lives depend on it .... try dealing with the fact that you've just found another of your colleagues dead because he couldn't cope and committed suicide ..... oh, and don't squirm, this is all tame, because if I wrote the really gory facts ..... you'd probably want to throw up.

So, next time you think 'problems because of being deployed in Iraq, who cares?' ..... stop, and take a minute (while you sit in your comfortable chair, stuffing your face with tasty food) ..... and actually give some thought to the guys out there who are fighting so that you CAN sit in your comfortable chair and CAN stuff your face with tasty food ..... because trust me, they don't have those luxuries that you have ..... they don't get to kiss their wives at night, or often see their children being born .....no, they're fighting so that your sorry ####### is safe.

And because of that, their families get to go without .... and when they return home, it us, the military families that have to pick up the pieces.

Have a bit of respect.

If Tashyta wants to turn her back on a guy who bravely fought for his country and our freedom, then so be it .... not all people are 'man' enough to deal with the fallout of war.

I wish the guy luck, and I hope he gets his back sorted and gets help for his head and somehow gets to re-build his life after giving US (you, me & everyone else) everything he had.

Some of us out here don't run when the going gets tough, we batten down the hatches, we hold our positions, and ride out the storm ..... no relationship is easy, but this issue makes a relationship even harder.

And if anyone from USCIS is actually reading this, your inclusion of war veterans in delays on the I-130's is a downright disgrace, you should be ashamed!

Edited April 19, 2008 by KipandSarahJayne

[verunka 0]

To Tashyta

Do what u feel its right for u and your life. If u are not sure about your life with him together and dont feel enough support and love from him...

I know what I talk about. I was in similar situation. Lived with my ex for 2 years in UK, applied for de facto spouse visa and followed him to Australia (he is AUS), we kind of knew it wouldnt worked out but I loved him soooo much and I gave up everything and followed him. Well, I stayed there just 2 months...we loved each other a lot but it didnt worked out. I bought the ticket and last week we spent together was one of the worst experience of my life, we both cried all day but we knew we wouldnt be good together. So the only solution was to leave and live our own lives. He went to the airport with me and we cried and cried. I cried all the way home, almost 24 h on the plane. Took me long time to recovered from what I went through and when I got home I promised to myself I ll never move for man again. few months later I met Robert - now my lovely husband, well, I moved again but this time I was sure about my feelings.

I wish u good luck in your future and good luck with making the right decision. Sometimes u need to be selfish and do the best for yourself and also for him. And yes, if u leave, it will be very hard next few months or years. But u ll be home with all your friends and family.

[Caladan 19]

The problem should be on re-entry, not in leaving. You entered legally, and you overstayed. Being out of status is unlawful, but not illegal, which means you'll incur a ban, but since you're leaving, there's no reason for them to detain you on your way out.

Amsterdam won't give you any problems with U.S. immigration.

Sorry, I couldn't understand these two. Could you explain unlawful and illegal. Maybe I'm not getting it, seriously, I don't.

"Illegal" implies criminality, and "unlawful" doesn't. Roughly the distinction is if something is illegal, it's expressly prohibited by law, and if it's unlawful, it's not permitted, but not expressly prohibited. An example is jaywalking. The law says 'crossing the street in between the crosswalks is legal' Crossing diagonally is unlawful, but not illegal.

Traffic rules are examples of other regulations that where breaking them is unlawful, but not illegal.

In the case of an overstay, there is no law that says 'it is illegal to overstay a visa.' Rather, it says "this time period is your authorized stay", and if you overstay it, you're out of status. That makes it an unlawful act.

----

Arkayel was very harsh, but he does have one good point. The couple isn't married, and she has no legal status here, and he seems to have no interest in marrying her or making her status legal. She can't *decide* to stay here and help him heal. She'll be living here with no way to work with someone who doesn't want her around.

This might be the fault of PTSD, and it's tragic if it is, but she's under no obligation to jeopardize her own well-being for someone who she's not married to. From her perspective, whether he's doing it because of PTSD, or because he's a jerk who doesn't want to spend the money to file, is immaterial at this point. There's no delay to blame on the government, because they haven't filed anything.

It isn't turning her back on him, because there is literally nothing she can do unless he decides he wants to get married. And it doesn't look like he does now.

[athena_ny 1]

I'm very sorry

If you aren't happy, you have to do what is best for you.

I wish you much luck and happiness in the future.

Totally off topic, but I like your new signature so much better. In the old one, your fiance looked like he was 60. Now, I can see this is not true.

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

I'm very sorry

If you aren't happy, you have to do what is best for you.

I wish you much luck and happiness in the future.

Totally off topic, but I like your new signature so much better. In the old one, your fiance looked like he was 60. Now, I can see this is not true.

The picture of him was by a campfire and it's very "artsy"...he's 29.

I actually love the old one, I find it dreamy and romantic...lol

Thanks

[tashyta 0]

I think the comment that you made (which I've put in bold) is the most disgraceful thing I've heard in a long while, and I, like all Military spouses who live and breath their military lives on a daily basis will back me on saying that your comment was highly offensive!

You obviously have absolutely no idea as to what the troops out there are having to deal with .... of course you won't as the news on the T.V. cannot actually show you.

Try watching your closest friends being blown up in front of your face .... try having to shoot people on a daily basis because your life and your colleagues lives depend on it .... try dealing with the fact that you've just found another of your colleagues dead because he couldn't cope and committed suicide ..... oh, and don't squirm, this is all tame, because if I wrote the really gory facts ..... you'd probably want to throw up.

So, next time you think 'problems because of being deployed in Iraq, who cares?' ..... stop, and take a minute (while you sit in your comfortable chair, stuffing your face with tasty food) ..... and actually give some thought to the guys out there who are fighting so that you CAN sit in your comfortable chair and CAN stuff your face with tasty food ..... because trust me, they don't have those luxuries that you have ..... they don't get to kiss their wives at night, or often see their children being born .....no, they're fighting so that your sorry ####### is safe.

And because of that, their families get to go without .... and when they return home, it us, the military families that have to pick up the pieces.

Have a bit of respect.

If Tashyta wants to turn her back on a guy who bravely fought for his country and our freedom, then so be it .... not all people are 'man' enough to deal with the fallout of war.

I wish the guy luck, and I hope he gets his back sorted and gets help for his head and somehow gets to re-build his life after giving US (you, me & everyone else) everything he had.

Some of us out here don't run when the going gets tough, we batten down the hatches, we hold our positions, and ride out the storm ..... no relationship is easy, but this issue makes a relationship even harder.

And if anyone from USCIS is actually reading this, your inclusion of war veterans in delays on the I-130's is a downright disgrace, you should be ashamed!

I was never turning my back on him, ever. That's why I'm still here!!! Everytime I was asking him to let me go he was persuading me that he would work on our relations but it never happened, I was the one who was trying to save something between us. All this time he just kept feeding me with all sorts of promises but those promises never turned into anything except words. He wasn't even trying to do anyting about my situation!

He kept saying that since we haven't married within 90 days it doen't matter anymore and I believed him till not so long ago I decided to make some researches about it and found out that IT DOES MATTER!!! And even then he didn't do anything. At the same time he was blaming me that I don't help him with his business and was telling me that I am selfish! Everytime he was telling me that I wanted to cry, coz I was working my a.s.s. off at his work and I was trying to take on myself as much as possible so that he wouldn't be so stressed. Plus I took over everything concerning his house (except bills), he doesn't do anything there. I am working there for free, I get from his business absolutely nothing and I'm working there from 7 a.m. till 10/10.30 p.m. 5/6 days a week!

I don't think that I was the one who turned back to our relationship! And all this time I was just closing my eyes and didn't want to believe that he just didn't care. And still I am afraid to leave him because I CARE ABOUT HIM. I know it's sad, but I need finally to do something for myself, I want to live and enjoy life not constantly being afraid whether some one will turn me in or I'll be cought or whatever.

He was never talking to me, and everytime I asked him to talk to me he just turned around and walked away...

Edited April 19, 2008 by tashyta

[Army_Wife 2]

I'm sorry for the harsh comment Tashyta, I really bit the hook when the 'problems because of being deployed in Iraq, who cares?' was said. I shouldn't have thrown you into the mix, but I was really angry as Arkayal really has no idea what it's like to live with PTSD following war.

At the end of the day, only you can make the decision of what is best for you.

By the sounds of it, you've done your best ... and at the end of the day, that's all that counts.

I'm sorry again for saying what I did .... your life has been very hard (and I do understand that part), and hopefully one day he'll get some help and put you guys back on track.

Goodluck Tashyta

[Army_Wife 2]

"Illegal" implies criminality, and "unlawful" doesn't. Roughly the distinction is if something is illegal, it's expressly prohibited by law, and if it's unlawful, it's not permitted, but not expressly prohibited. An example is jaywalking. The law says 'crossing the street in between the crosswalks is legal' Crossing diagonally is unlawful, but not illegal.

Traffic rules are examples of other regulations that where breaking them is unlawful, but not illegal.

In the case of an overstay, there is no law that says 'it is illegal to overstay a visa.' Rather, it says "this time period is your authorized stay", and if you overstay it, you're out of status. That makes it an unlawful act.

----

Arkayel was very harsh, but he does have one good point. The couple isn't married, and she has no legal status here, and he seems to have no interest in marrying her or making her status legal. She can't *decide* to stay here and help him heal. She'll be living here with no way to work with someone who doesn't want her around.

This might be the fault of PTSD, and it's tragic if it is, but she's under no obligation to jeopardize her own well-being for someone who she's not married to. From her perspective, whether he's doing it because of PTSD, or because he's a jerk who doesn't want to spend the money to file, is immaterial at this point. There's no delay to blame on the government, because they haven't filed anything.

It isn't turning her back on him, because there is literally nothing she can do unless he decides he wants to get married. And it doesn't look like he does now.

Yes, I agree that she cannot stay without them getting married, hence mostly saying that she needs a ring on her finger in a lot of my postings.

My comment about it being a disgrace about war veterans also being caught up in the delays of the I-130's was not about Tashyta's situation, she didn't enter on a CR1/IR1 .... however, there's a ton of us on this website that are, and are married to war vets .... hence me biting at Arkayel's comment.

I think it's a huge shame that this has happened, and it's not Tashyta's fault in the slightest .... the poor girl just got caught up in a situation that she wasn't prepared for. Personally, I think all military folk should come with an instruction manual, as it may make life just a tad easier for those who've had no experience of this way of life or the experiences which 'may' go with it.

[tashyta 0]

To Tashyta

Do what u feel its right for u and your life. If u are not sure about your life with him together and dont feel enough support and love from him...

I know what I talk about. I was in similar situation. Lived with my ex for 2 years in UK, applied for de facto spouse visa and followed him to Australia (he is AUS), we kind of knew it wouldnt worked out but I loved him soooo much and I gave up everything and followed him. Well, I stayed there just 2 months...we loved each other a lot but it didnt worked out. I bought the ticket and last week we spent together was one of the worst experience of my life, we both cried all day but we knew we wouldnt be good together. So the only solution was to leave and live our own lives. He went to the airport with me and we cried and cried. I cried all the way home, almost 24 h on the plane. Took me long time to recovered from what I went through and when I got home I promised to myself I ll never move for man again. few months later I met Robert - now my lovely husband, well, I moved again but this time I was sure about my feelings.

I wish u good luck in your future and good luck with making the right decision. Sometimes u need to be selfish and do the best for yourself and also for him. And yes, if u leave, it will be very hard next few months or years. But u ll be home with all your friends and family.

Thank you!

You just gave me hope and more confidence!!!

[Arkayel 1]

Hi again.

Well, I see there was some response to my post. I think someone was a bit too sensitive and did not see my real point. I was trying to explain that if someone does not want help it does little good to try to persuade or force them. I have seen this many times, and no matter what the problem is it has to be their choice. You sure read a lot into what I said that as not there.

Also I see many people who use problems as excuses to get their way. This is really disgusting to me, since the people who really need the help become tainted with the bad things others do using the camouflage of the problem. As you see, I am talking about other things besides just PTSD. How do we know that all his problems are caused by being deployed anyway? To me he sounds like a jerk who is taking advantage of Tashyta. She is the one I have sympathy for. And I admit we only have her side of the story, but that is what I am using unless I hear something from her Fiancee... (smile)

I see you also lashed at Tashyta in your zeal. At least you caught that after someone reacted to you. I am a vet and know a lot more than you think about this. I am sympathetic, but we do not even know if this guy has PTSD! This is speculation. We do know he is not holding his end of the bargain with Tashyta! Save your help for her since she is asking for it.

Thanks Caladan for having more common sense about what I said. I do admit I was harsh, but I think Tashyta is getting a raw deal. And reading posts by people about how she can help her Fiancee after he has been irresponsible and gotten her in trouble really bothered me. If he cared about her he would at least have gotten her to go home before and tried to get his self together without adversely affecting her.

I wish you Luck Tashyta.

[tashyta 0]

Hi again.

Well, I see there was some response to my post. I think someone was a bit too sensitive and did not see my real point. I was trying to explain that if someone does not want help it does little good to try to persuade or force them. I have seen this many times, and no matter what the problem is it has to be their choice. You sure read a lot into what I said that as not there.

Also I see many people who use problems as excuses to get their way. This is really disgusting to me, since the people who really need the help become tainted with the bad things others do using the camouflage of the problem. As you see, I am talking about other things besides just PTSD. How do we know that all his problems are caused by being deployed anyway? To me he sounds like a jerk who is taking advantage of Tashyta. She is the one I have sympathy for. And I admit we only have her side of the story, but that is what I am using unless I hear something from her Fiancee... (smile)

I see you also lashed at Tashyta in your zeal. At least you caught that after someone reacted to you. I am a vet and know a lot more than you think about this. I am sympathetic, but we do not even know if this guy has PTSD! This is speculation. We do know he is not holding his end of the bargain with Tashyta! Save your help for her since she is asking for it.

Thanks Caladan for having more common sense about what I said. I do admit I was harsh, but I think Tashyta is getting a raw deal. And reading posts by people about how she can help her Fiancee after he has been irresponsible and gotten her in trouble really bothered me. If he cared about her he would at least have gotten her to go home before and tried to get his self together without adversely affecting her.

I wish you Luck Tashyta.

Thank you!

I think you are right. Plus it's hard to decide who is right if you hear only one side of the story. But somehow he is not here and not asking for help to solve this problem. He is not actually makingany researches about it. what can it mean? People who really care do at least something, right? Once I made him go to the lawyer with me to find out my real situation, and even after that he didn't move.

Well, I gess I wanted to be fooled and blind. My desire was to help and I hve now what I have and I can't change anything:)