Going back home

[chispas 0]

Re-reading your profile I presume that your Husband is a Reservist in the Military and has a civillian job too, was he active duty at all? did he do time in a war zone? .... if so, you may want to read this

http://www.battlemind.org/spouse_battlemind.html#

By the way, symptoms of PTSD can show up years after, and can be quite odd and sometimes shocking if you're not used to it or aware of it.

If he's fine, this site is pretty good for getting relationships back on track

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/

It's a bit intense, but I've seen it work a few times.

He is in NG and yes, he was in Iraq for almost 2 years, which almost ruined his business, that's why he has problems and huge debts. He sais he doen't want to drag me into his debts. I don't think anything will help us now. I already have tickets. I really don't know what to do. This situation with his business problms will last fot at least one more year.

I commend you for making the decision that is best for you. Everyone can convince you to stay and do this or that. However, only you know what is best for you. Be strong

[Army_Wife 2]

Re-reading your profile I presume that your Husband is a Reservist in the Military and has a civillian job too, was he active duty at all? did he do time in a war zone? .... if so, you may want to read this

http://www.battlemind.org/spouse_battlemind.html#

By the way, symptoms of PTSD can show up years after, and can be quite odd and sometimes shocking if you're not used to it or aware of it.

If he's fine, this site is pretty good for getting relationships back on track

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/

It's a bit intense, but I've seen it work a few times.

He is in NG and yes, he was in Iraq for almost 2 years, which almost ruined his business, that's why he has problems and huge debts. He sais he doen't want to drag me into his debts. I don't think anything will help us now. I already have tickets. I really don't know what to do. This situation with his business problms will last fot at least one more year.

Sounds quite classic to me ..... sadly you probably weren't aware of this.

Has he been to the VA (Veteran's Association) ? They can help ..... it's a bit of a drawn out process, but they're trained to deal with this ... he needs help ASAP before its gets any worse.

He'll also be able to file a claim for compensation, which may help financially a little.

These guys are literally programmed at times to do stuff that you and I cannot even imagine .... when they come back into the real world, it blows their heads and they do their best to cope, but sometimes it all just goes a bit screwy.

If you love him, and I know it sounds mad .... get the ring on your finger today and file the AOS immediately .... you'll sure have your work cut out for you, but there are people that can help, and if you're married, you'll be included in this.

PTSD is not an easy journey to endure, and at times you'll want to quit, but if your guy is worth it to you ..... stand strong !!!! .... but get that ring and AOS .... business issues will just have to be gotten over with you 2 working together as a team.

[tashyta 0]

You guys aren't married yet, right? Does he know of your plans to go home?

Yes, he does know. He bought me a ticket home after millions of discussions. He was still trying to hold me here but at the same time he didn' do anything to really persuade me to stay.

[Army_Wife 2]

You guys aren't married yet, right? Does he know of your plans to go home?

Yes, he does know. He bought me a ticket home after millions of discussions. He was still trying to hold me here but at the same time he didn' do anything to really persuade me to stay.

Probably because his confidence is non-existant right now, he wouldn't know how to fight for you.

[tashyta 0]

You guys aren't married yet, right? Does he know of your plans to go home?

Yes, he does know. He bought me a ticket home after millions of discussions. He was still trying to hold me here but at the same time he didn' do anything to really persuade me to stay.

Probably because his confidence is non-existant right now, he wouldn't know how to fight for you.

I told him million times that I'll be able to help him if I had rights here to lawfully work. He is really short of money and if I had job I would be able to pay bills at least, you know. But the process of filling paperwork after marriage takes time and money, he doen's have either one. So i have no idea what else I can do.

Edited April 18, 2008 by tashyta

[Army_Wife 2]

Sounds quite classic to me ..... sadly you probably weren't aware of this.

Has he been to the VA (Veteran's Association) ? They can help ..... it's a bit of a drawn out process, but they're trained to deal with this ... he needs help ASAP before its gets any worse.

He'll also be able to file a claim for compensation, which may help financially a little.

These guys are literally programmed at times to do stuff that you and I cannot even imagine .... when they come back into the real world, it blows their heads and they do their best to cope, but sometimes it all just goes a bit screwy.

If you love him, and I know it sounds mad .... get the ring on your finger today and file the AOS immediately .... you'll sure have your work cut out for you, but there are people that can help, and if you're married, you'll be included in this.

PTSD is not an easy journey to endure, and at times you'll want to quit, but if your guy is worth it to you ..... stand strong !!!! .... but get that ring and AOS .... business issues will just have to be gotten over with you 2 working together as a team.

Personally I'd go with what I said above, as it sounds as though you really love him still .... if you leave, you already know that a 3 year ban is in place which will put another strain on your guys relationship.

You have 3 choices:

1. Stay, get married immediately and find the money somehow for AOS .... and work together through this .... no marriage is easy.

2. Return home and have a long distance relationship again, in the meantime you could get married and file CR1 in your final year of ban.

3. Leave all you've known for 5 years, wipe your mouth and walk away.

Sadly, the clock is ticking in your case ..... go with your instincts and not what others tell you .... but always look at what you may feel in the future ..... a years time ..... 5 years time etc.

[Nutty 2]

I feel badly for you...

The one thing about true marriage and life partnership is commitment to each other. To help each other.

Yes, you should be supportive of him in his troubles and business problems. But, he should also understand your situation is serious and you need him to be supportive of you.

If he is only focused on his buisness and his problems and does not consider your immigration problems, then it may be time for you to move on.

As for his serving in Iraq and business debts....bad credit/bankruptcy can happen and people do recover from it if they rebuild their credit from scratch. takes a couple of years, but it is not impossble.

Nutty

Working in a Chapter 7, 11 Bankruptcy trustee firm.

Edited April 18, 2008 by Nutty

[nane1104 146]

Well, if it is a money issue...could you find a co-sponsor?

I sense that you are very split between your heart telling you that you still love him and want to be with him and your mind telling you that you hae to watch out for yourself and go back home.

I am very sorry that you are in this situation. I bet you didn't imagine it would be like this once you came to the US.

I have to say though, if you truly love him and are willing to help him through this difficult time (with the help of professionals), maybe it will b worth it to stay.

Do you think there is a chance to talk about him again about his problems? When I read he was in Iraq, PTSD came to my mind right away as well and there is help available if you seek it and if he is willing to accept it.

I know, a 10 yar bar is no joke compared to 3 years now if it really doesn't work out, but what if you go back and then you realize, it was wrong and you should have stayed?

I really don't know what I would do in your situation, so I am not advising you to stay or leave.

Maybe he feels insecure about your relationship because you can leave him any time. Maybe it would help him and motivatehim to work on his personal problems if he knows he has a wife standing behind him. I can imagine, that your conversations about you leaving him, made him feel under even more pressure than he has already with his business?

Obviously you have been patient with him for a long time, but I am not sure if you are fully aware of the problems he might have regarding PTSD!?

Maybe he isn't even aware of it, maybe confronting him about it might help him to accept help, geez, he would be one of 1000s with this problem...

I wish you all the very best. My husband is facing a deployment as well and it scares the living daylight out of me what it might do to him...

[Army_Wife 2]

I feel badly for you...

The one thing about true marriage and life partnership is commitment to each other. To help each other.

Yes, you should be supportive of him in his troubles and business problems. But, he should also understand your situation is serious and you need him to be supportive of you.

If he is only focused on his buisness and his problems and does not consider your immigration problems, then he may be not worth your love.

Under normal circumstances I'd agree, but we're not looking at normal circumstances ..... the guy did 2 years in Iraq and I'm sorry to say, but it changes the situation dramatically.

I will not ask what he did in Iraq and of course Tashyta will not be able to say for security reasons ..... but one thing I can say is, it won't be your normal day to day experience.

Let's just put it this way, I'd be surprised if he didn't see a couple of his mates go home in bags .... so, saying that he needs to understand the situation is one thing, but understanding his situation is another.

Sadly, these guys are not getting help until they ask .... but a lot of the time they don't realise they need help, until it's too late.

Right now, the clock is ticking close to the 11th hour for Tashyta, but a ring and AOS can change that part .... then the work really begins.

[tashyta 0]

I feel badly for you...

The one thing about true marriage and life partnership is commitment to each other. To help each other.

Yes, you should be supportive of him in his troubles and business problems. But, he should also understand your situation is serious and you need him to be supportive of you.

If he is only focused on his buisness and his problems and does not consider your immigration problems, then it may be time for you to move on.

As for his serving in Iraq and business debts....bad credit/bankruptcy can happen and people do recover from it if they rebuild their credit from scratch. takes a couple of years, but it is not impossble.

Nutty

Working in a Chapter 7, 11 Bankruptcy trustee firm.

So far business is his life partner. He is trying to avoid bankruptcy and safe business.

[Army_Wife 2]

Well, if it is a money issue...could you find a co-sponsor?

I sense that you are very split between your heart telling you that you still love him and want to be with him and your mind telling you that you hae to watch out for yourself and go back home.

I am very sorry that you are in this situation. I bet you didn't imagine it would be like this once you came to the US.

I have to say though, if you truly love him and are willing to help him through this difficult time (with the help of professionals), maybe it will b worth it to stay.

Do you think there is a chance to talk about him again about his problems? When I read he was in Iraq, PTSD came to my mind right away as well and there is help available if you seek it and if he is willing to accept it.

I know, a 10 yar bar is no joke compared to 3 years now if it really doesn't work out, but what if you go back and then you realize, it was wrong and you should have stayed?

I really don't know what I would do in your situation, so I am not advising you to stay or leave.

Maybe he feels insecure about your relationship because you can leave him any time. Maybe it would help him and motivatehim to work on his personal problems if he knows he has a wife standing behind him. I can imagine, that your conversations about you leaving him, made him feel under even more pressure than he has already with his business?

Obviously you have been patient with him for a long time, but I am not sure if you are fully aware of the problems he might have regarding PTSD!?

Maybe he isn't even aware of it, maybe confronting him about it might help him to accept help, geez, he would be one of 1000s with this problem...

I wish you all the very best. My husband is facing a deployment as well and it scares the living daylight out of me what it might do to him...

Well said Nane .... thankyou for adding stength to the PTSD issue. It is an issue that those who are not involved in the military are quite unawares of.

We military spouses/fiances have to deal with such different things, and sometimes I feel as though I'm talking a different language

I pray for you and yours .... my Hubby did 2 tours, so I've been there. It's hard, but with strength, we always find a way.

[tashyta 0]

Thank you, guys for all your support. But the problem is that he doesn't want to talk to me about his problems and concerns. He thinks that he is trying to save me from his problems but he is doing only worth. I did this desperate step coz I don't know what else I can do, I even don't know how to approach to him - he is always turning away from me. It's extremely hard, and I'm desperate and very confused!!!

[nane1104 146]

Thank you, guys for all your support. But the problem is that he doesn't want to talk to me about his problems and concerns. He thinks that he is trying to save me from his problems but he is doing only worth. I did this desperate step coz I don't know what else I can do, I even don't know how to approach to him - he is always turning away from me. It's extremely hard, and I'm desperate and very confused!!!

He doesn't have to talk to you about what is troubeling him. I think you would have a hard time to process such information and he has a point to protect you from it.

BUT- he needs help from professionals. I know that sounds frightening to a lot of people, but he needs help. Try to comvince him to accept help for his and your sake.

Maybe he will do it if he sees that you will stay. Maybe he needs a definite sign from you that you will stay behind him and have his back!?

He sounds like a pretty stubborn person too, but I am sure, if he feels your love, it will touch his heart.

Oh gosh, I am sending you some big hugs, you are in such a tough spot!

[franklie 0]

I'm reading this thread and thinking to myself, Wow! a man who has got a woman that wants to give him support so that he/they can be a success.

One doesn't find women like that every day.

Here is a link that might help you and your SO. It is the Small Business Administration. They might be able to help your SO restructure his debt and point him in the direction of a cost effective loan so that his business and your relationship can survive.

SBA Finacial Assistance

From the website:

SBA provides a number of financial assistance programs for small businesses including 7(a), 504 and disaster assistance loans.

Good luck

[nane1104 146]

I'm reading this thread and thinking to myself, Wow! a man who has got a woman that wants to give him support so that he/they can be a success.

One doesn't find women like that every day.

Here is a link that might help you and your SO. It is the Small Business Administration. They might be able to help your SO restructure his debt and point him in the direction of a cost effective loan so that his business and your relationship can survive.

SBA Finacial Assistance

From the website:

SBA provides a number of financial assistance programs for small businesses including 7(a), 504 and disaster assistance loans.

Good luck

Awesome, I was hoping, someone would have more practical advice to offer!!