Did i marry the right person?

[Giskat09 2]

DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?

During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?"

I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your husband?"

In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?"

Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind.

Here's the answer.

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love... because it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet." Think about the imagery of that ____expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience.

But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.

I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the ____expression "the labor of love."

Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable. .. you can "make" love.

Love in marriage is indeed a "decision".. . not just a feeling

[franklie 0]

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

If you're down and confused

And you don't remember who you're talkin' to

Concentration slip away

Cause your baby is so far away.

Well, there's a rose in a fisted glove

And the eagle flies with the dove

And if you can't be with the one you love

Love the one you're with

Love the one you're with

Don't be angry, don't be sad,

Don't sit cryin' over good things you've had,

There's a girl right next to you

And she's just waiting for something you do.

Well, there's a rose in a fisted glove

And the eagle flies with the dove

And if you can't be with the one you love

Love the one you're with

Love the one you're with

Turn your heartache right into joy

She's a girl, you're a boy,

Get it together make it nice

Ain't gonna need anymore advice.

Well, there's a rose in a fisted glove

And the eagle flies with the dove

And if you can't be with the one you love

Love the one you're with

Love the one you're with

Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young 1970

[alienlovechild 75]

DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?

During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?"

I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your husband?"

In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?"

Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind.

Here's the answer.

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love... because it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet." Think about the imagery of that ____expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience.

But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.

I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the ____expression "the labor of love."

Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable. .. you can "make" love.

Love in marriage is indeed a "decision".. . not just a feeling

Very nice thoughts and advices..I like it.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Love in marriage is indeed a "decision".. . not just a feeling

Amen to that.

[CaNdiD wiTcH 0]

Such a great article..

I do agree that the key to have a concordant relationship is not in FINDING the RIGHT person but in BEING the RIGHT person...

[Aubrey 10]

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

I know this post is coming from the right place in your heart, but I thoroughly disagree with this sentence. You have to start with the right person. Some things can't be talked away, counseled away, compromised away, or whatever. Take this from a person who was very much in love with her ex for years but continued to compromise and be counseled and everything until I was no longer myself.

Yes, marriage is work. But it should be fulfilling work. And that's a matter of continuing to stay the best of friends and keeping an active social and intimate life -- several things people "let go" when work, money, and kids all come into the picture. That's all workable... if you're with the right person.

[Alex+R 0]

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

I know this post is coming from the right place in your heart, but I thoroughly disagree with this sentence. You have to start with the right person. Some things can't be talked away, counseled away, compromised away, or whatever. Take this from a person who was very much in love with her ex for years but continued to compromise and be counseled and everything until I was no longer myself.

Yes, marriage is work. But it should be fulfilling work. And that's a matter of continuing to stay the best of friends and keeping an active social and intimate life -- several things people "let go" when work, money, and kids all come into the picture. That's all workable... if you're with the right person.

What crack are people smoking that they don't think it's every bit as important to pick the right one? I'm not saying there's only one right one, but you can't pick the wrong one.

Also, why are some of you posting this kind of thing now? This early in your relationship? Christ, most of you aren't even married yet. Aren't you supposed to be romantically pining away for your far-away partner? What will sustain you if you are already onto this stuff now?

If my man weren't awesome to begin with, I wouldn't do a lick of work. Y'all must be crazy.

[Ms. Squirrel 11]

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

I know this post is coming from the right place in your heart, but I thoroughly disagree with this sentence. You have to start with the right person. Some things can't be talked away, counseled away, compromised away, or whatever. Take this from a person who was very much in love with her ex for years but continued to compromise and be counseled and everything until I was no longer myself.

Yes, marriage is work. But it should be fulfilling work. And that's a matter of continuing to stay the best of friends and keeping an active social and intimate life -- several things people "let go" when work, money, and kids all come into the picture. That's all workable... if you're with the right person.

What crack are people smoking that they don't think it's every bit as important to pick the right one? I'm not saying there's only one right one, but you can't pick the wrong one.

Also, why are some of you posting this kind of thing now? This early in your relationship? Christ, most of you aren't even married yet. Aren't you supposed to be romantically pining away for your far-away partner? What will sustain you if you are already onto this stuff now?

If my man weren't awesome to begin with, I wouldn't do a lick of work. Y'all must be crazy.

I also would never marry someone only because I think I will profit from being with him and hope for the love thing to grow on me. That's so year 1800.

[Niels Bohr 72]

I love my wife because I don't know if she's the right one. I learned about her. Therefore, I fell in love.

[rebeccajo 14]

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

I know this post is coming from the right place in your heart, but I thoroughly disagree with this sentence. You have to start with the right person. Some things can't be talked away, counseled away, compromised away, or whatever. Take this from a person who was very much in love with her ex for years but continued to compromise and be counseled and everything until I was no longer myself.

Yes, marriage is work. But it should be fulfilling work. And that's a matter of continuing to stay the best of friends and keeping an active social and intimate life -- several things people "let go" when work, money, and kids all come into the picture. That's all workable... if you're with the right person.

You better be smart enough to know yourself and honest enough about it before you go looking for a mate. If you aren't, you are bound to end up with the wrong person. Which yes, you can certainly do.

Just because you want to be married - or you want to have babies - or you don't want to be alone - or you want to move to America - none of that means you can 'find' somebody you can learn to love.

If you inflict what you 'want' on a relationship, you won't have a good one. You have to be a whole person, happy with who you are and what you have to offer, and eager to share that with someone who appreciates all that you are. And you have to want to take the goodness of that person and reflect it back to them because they deserve it.

And that does take work. But with the person you chose to marry in clarity of mind and with soul-baring honesty, it's natural work. Like sweat clears the pores and cools you, the work of long lasting love clears your soul.

Edited June 28, 2008 by rebeccajo

[Javagirl08 0]

DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?

During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?"

I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your husband?"

In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?"

Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind.

Here's the answer.

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love... because it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet." Think about the imagery of that ____expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience.

But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.

I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the ____expression "the labor of love."

Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable. .. you can "make" love.

Love in marriage is indeed a "decision".. . not just a feeling

I really enjoyed this!! I am sure we all ask the question one time or another.. Great post and great pis of you two..

[almaty 19]

always think before acting...and never make a decision, that effects your life on emotions alone..no charge.,.dr dean

[Welshcookie 17]

always think before acting...and never make a decision, that effects your life on emotions alone..no charge.,.dr dean

Good advice dr dean

[one...two...tree 2,762]

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

I know this post is coming from the right place in your heart, but I thoroughly disagree with this sentence. You have to start with the right person. Some things can't be talked away, counseled away, compromised away, or whatever. Take this from a person who was very much in love with her ex for years but continued to compromise and be counseled and everything until I was no longer myself.

Yes, marriage is work. But it should be fulfilling work. And that's a matter of continuing to stay the best of friends and keeping an active social and intimate life -- several things people "let go" when work, money, and kids all come into the picture. That's all workable... if you're with the right person.

I agree that you can't just 'make it work' with anyone. That sentence you quoted could be interpreted in different ways. For example, most married couples reach a point where they wonder whether they made the right choice which is normal. In this day and age when we have so many options available to us - find a better job, trade in our car, buy a nicer home, marriage (for most who see it as permanent) is not something we just go out and change, even if there's a chance for a more fulfilling relationship with someone else. That's how I interpreted what that sentence meant. At some point, we not only accept the person we chose to love with all their imperfections, but also accept the marriage for what it is. Being someone who experienced a failed marriage, I also recognize that at some point, some couples must decide that the marriage is not worth saving.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Rebeccajo, thank you for this statement - it is absolutely true:

But with the person you chose to marry in clarity of mind and with soul-baring honesty, it's natural work. Like sweat clears the pores and cools you, the work of long lasting love clears your soul.