Here I go again.....

[Dan J 277]

Some people stay married not because they are happy being married, but because there is a personal, relgious or cultural expectation to do so.

This is your life, and you only live it once. Do you want to do it with the weight of this marriage on your shoulders?

[rdsey 0]

We all can be used by these people, even people who work in the field with these individuals are conned. Human predators of all kinds are excellent at cloaking their true motives and true direction.

They do this by using soft words and by never acknowledging exactly what it is that they want, or where it is that they are going, until they have achieved their objectives until it is too late to reverse their encroachment or predatory intentions.

The average human being becomes prey because they do not identify a predator quick enough. And the predator of humans in business transactions, manipulations, emotional transactions and relationships is effective because they never show their true colors. They are effective because they do not.

It is exactly like the answer I got from a herpetologist, or an expert in snakes a long time ago. The question is:

"Why is it that we are able to see a large snake crawling across an open lawn towards a bird or an animal, and not see the animal move to escape."

Perhaps instead of seeing people as good or bad, we need to begin acknowledging a third group . . . the "Tricksters." Tricksters have the appearance of goodness that enables them to take advantage of others, taking all they can get, legally or illegally. These folks live through their possessions and material wealth means a great deal to them, although they may affect a humble, self-effacing attitude. It is not the mugger in the alley or other obvious shady characters we need to fear, for we have learned their ways. Disguised with charming manners and a smiling countenance, real danger lurks in an overly solitious new acquaintance who offers friendship easily . . . and just as easily withdraws it. Tricksters have two faces - one that smiles when we are helping to further their agenda, and another that turns cold when we can no longer support their projects or need financial help ourselves.

The following identifying markers will help alert people to the presence of "Tricksters":

A. Being insecure, yet proud, they will talk badly about other people, trying to get you to agree. They recount stories of personal success, but are stingy with praise for others.

B. Most of their waking hours are consumed with schemes for making money with the least amount of effort.

C. They have few, if any, real friends. These people are afraid to get close to anyone they can't completely control, for fear their deceptive nature will be uncovered. It may seem they are offering friendship and help, but it is only a mirage, acted out to gain one's confidence. Does confidence/con-man ring a bell?

D. They are excellent self-promoters, and have an exaggerated sense of their place in the eternal plan . . . delusions of Grandeur . . . and believe their calling is above that of others.

E. Except for sarcastic wit and put-down jokes, they lack a sense of humor, and almost never laugh at themselves.

F. They concentrate great energy on presenting an image of competence. Everything is done for show and the admiration of others. Their homes feel cold and empty, even when decorated with expensive art and creative furnishings.

G. They lack the "nurturing instinct." Most of the care they provide derives from a sense of responsibility imposed by society's expectations.

H. They often live through their children, trying to mold them in their image and disregarding the child's individuality.

I. Their most miserable moments are when they are low on cash and their happiest are those spent with newly acquired possessions or money itself.

J. They have a knack for borrowing money or getting people to give them something valuable for a small down-payment and big promises.

K. They cannot brook criticism, even constructive, and their authority must never be questioned.

L. Not always, but more often than not, they are fitness oriented, as they need to maintain their image. This interest in appearing fit usually has little to do with good health. This emphasis on outward appearance may include such health destroying practices as fad diets, over-consumption of alcohol instead of food, strict starvation diets, and often bulimia.

M. They love to talk, but only listen to find personal weaknesses or flaws in those with whom they converse, which can be used to their advantage at some future time, i.e., blackmail.

N. They love to draw up and sign agreement contracts as a way to help "protect" you.

O. Believing themselves above the law, they circumvent as many regulations as possible to cut operating costs.

P. They lie, or tell half-truths, and evade direct questions.

Q. They underpay their workers, employ illegal aliens, keep employees on part-time status to avoid tax and insurance costs, and lie on their tax returns.

R. They "lure" people into money making schemes and partnerships to separate them from their money, and are adept at discarding folks who are no longer useful to them or have been sucked dry.

S. They use relatives and friends to do work they would otherwise have to pay professionals for.

T. They are cold, calculating, litigious, and rarely accept responsibility for failure. They act from their mindless ambition, seldom from their heart.

U. Spouses and children are controlled financially as well as emotionally. Their work and business are always more important than family time. Money is their first priority.

V. They are expert at blaming and putting others down to make themselves look good.

W. They are filled with fear, instead of light, and are overly concerned about security arrangements, their own well being, and naturally, their own eventual death.

X. If they own pets, they are usually expensive "show pieces," pedigreed animals, even wolf hybrids, a sad mix if ever there was one. Such animals often suffer emotional neglect, becoming either lonely, depressed, or vicious guard dogs.

Y. You can never trust them completely. They wear you out, mentally and emotionally with plans, schemes, gossip, and inside information.

Z. You can't relax around them as they are never truly happy or relaxed themselves, and always have a new "trick" or moneymaking project up their sleeves.

Not all tricksters display all of the above characteristics, but enough of them to be recognizable when we sit down to analyze their behavior. Why are we so often mesmerized by their dazzling reflections when our common sense should be flashing yellow warning lights before our eyes? Perhaps it is because these tricksters are adepts at using our own character weaknesses, manifestations of ego, and lack of suspiciousness to their own advantage. Sometimes we are just too stressed and preoccupied to listen to warning messages coming from deep within.

It is a matter of survival that we listen to the Spirit, evaluate our own motives, and use wisdom when beginning new ventures with new people. It is not character weakness or negativity on our part to check a person's references or past history before developing a relationship. Neither is it cold nor ruthless to terminate a developing relationship when we sense we are the "main course" on their menu.

Determining the source of the light that illuminates our new charismatic acquaintance's countenance is only common sense . . . something that is not so common anymore. Without the basic survival instinct of common sense, we may be lured like moths to the Trickster's moon-like brilliance and possible loss, damage or emotional destruction.

You know I see alot of the charastics in my husband.

[Nutty 2]

What a con artist!!!!

There is a saying,"God helps those, who help themselves."

What have you done to help yourself from being used by a con artist?

Con artists techniques are famous because they use all their charms and sweet talking to manipulate good natured people.

When John was still living in Dallas I did file for a divorce, and gave him the papers to sign, he threw them away and explained to me why he didn't want the divorce, again I fell for it. I just recently found emails from his ex-wife and when he left he told her he was comming back, but told me they were divorcing before he left Germany. I just today found that info. Even when we were together he was still pulling her leg about needing to make money and become a man of himself. The very words he said to me with both of his moves. I really know which way this is going now.

Steady there, Nutty! Unless you've been in rdsey shoes, and I strongly suspect you haven't, I am not sure you could begin to understand the realm and enormity of the tidal wave of emotion that comes after realising that a marriage has been used by someone that is loved by the victim.

It takes time to permit the acknowledgment to sink in, and then, and only then can one begin to heal. That can't be forced, and often times the consequence of learning that one has been used, causes more damage to the self-esteem. "moving on" are words that simply augment the pain at this point. Let's be gentle.....

There is nothing wrong with calling a con artist a con artist.

And I believe the rdsey has religious beliefs that motivated her to stay in this relationship. In spite of the fact she adknowledges she knows her husband is stringing along an ex-wife in Germany for money. That why I mention the proverbial..."god helps those..."

Considering rdsey has seen marriage counselors who advised her to leave her husband and she decided against their advice, maybe she needs some stong words about the hard facts.

Edited April 15, 2008 by Nutty

[diadromous mermaid 36]

What a con artist!!!!

There is a saying,"God helps those, who help themselves."

What have you done to help yourself from being used by a con artist?

Con artists techniques are famous because they use all their charms and sweet talking to manipulate good natured people.

When John was still living in Dallas I did file for a divorce, and gave him the papers to sign, he threw them away and explained to me why he didn't want the divorce, again I fell for it. I just recently found emails from his ex-wife and when he left he told her he was comming back, but told me they were divorcing before he left Germany. I just today found that info. Even when we were together he was still pulling her leg about needing to make money and become a man of himself. The very words he said to me with both of his moves. I really know which way this is going now.

Steady there, Nutty! Unless you've been in rdsey shoes, and I strongly suspect you haven't, I am not sure you could begin to understand the realm and enormity of the tidal wave of emotion that comes after realising that a marriage has been used by someone that is loved by the victim.

It takes time to permit the acknowledgment to sink in, and then, and only then can one begin to heal. That can't be forced, and often times the consequence of learning that one has been used, causes more damage to the self-esteem. "moving on" are words that simply augment the pain at this point. Let's be gentle.....

There is nothing wrong with calling a con artist a con artist.

And I believe the rdsey has religious beliefs that motivated her to stay in this relationship. In spite of the fact she adknowledges she knows her husband is stringing along an ex-wife in Germany for money. That why I mention the proverbial..."god helps those..."

Considering rdsey has seen marriage counselors who advised her to leave her husband and she decided against their advice, maybe she needs some stong words about the hard facts.

There's only one strong word that I see that fits right now, and that is self-recrimination. Rdsey took the steps to report her errant husband's actions and sees that as having derived no results. I read her post as a question of her own actions. Despite having taken steps to report his wrongs, since nothing has happened as a result, she wonders if there was some larger force indicating that her suspicions were unfounded. Frankly, I think her husband is taking advantage of her. I believe in time she will come to accept it also. In the meantime, she should find comfort in knowing that her husband's immigration journey is not yet over, his file has been ammended to reflect her allegations and there is plenty of time for USCIS to throw a stone in his path. She should rest easy, knowing that she has done what she felt was right and concentrate on the healing for now.

[idocare 3]

Rd, Do me a favor; read what you have written but think of your writings as somebody's else's situation, then think back to the time before your husband made it into this country. Think about the ex-wife in Germany the correspondence u found from him and her then think about your immigration meeting where u revealed your beliefs concerning him.

Almost all of us here have an ideal of what u have been thru with the filing and waiting for his visa approval and the excitment and joy of picking up a loved one once they arrive from overseas. Some of us can even identify with u when you type about your husband being on the personal lines and having a desire to move away. ( IN THE NAME OF SEEKING BETTER PAY. )

Even your current situation, please be aware that your not alone, I too was able too identify with because I too experienced a similiar situation where this loved loved me so much when I would visit him in Nigeria but then made sure my life was unbearably miserable then turned around and blamed me as an abrusive spouse to the immigration officers. With that said, I wondering if he's choose to get here then get away from u while he awaits his statis change.

I'm glad that u have taken action , recovery from a event such as we have been thru doesen't happen over nite as many that have traveled our same journey now knows, but the mermaid is right, he will go into a immigration office at some point I just hope u filed your complaint before he thought to go with any type of scam to tell the immigration officer.

ALL THE BEST TO YOU !!!!!!!!!

AGANA I too can relate to alot of what u typed, only a very selfish person with no respect for wedding vows, or another human being can attempt to pull off such a evil scam.

[DanielParul 50]

dear rdsey, I hope things get better for you. You definately need to pull yourself together and GET RID OF THAT MAN FOR GOOD.. Do it because he does not deserve you.. What he deserves - he will get, sooner or later but you will not be hurt by it anymore. My wishes and prayers are with you

[rdsey 0]

Rd, Do me a favor; read what you have written but think of your writings as somebody's else's situation, then think back to the time before your husband made it into this country. Think about the ex-wife in Germany the correspondence u found from him and her then think about your immigration meeting where u revealed your beliefs concerning him.

Almost all of us here have an ideal of what u have been thru with the filing and waiting for his visa approval and the excitment and joy of picking up a loved one once they arrive from overseas. Some of us can even identify with u when you type about your husband being on the personal lines and having a desire to move away. ( IN THE NAME OF SEEKING BETTER PAY. )

Even your current situation, please be aware that your not alone, I too was able too identify with because I too experienced a similiar situation where this loved loved me so much when I would visit him in Nigeria but then made sure my life was unbearably miserable then turned around and blamed me as an abrusive spouse to the immigration officers. With that said, I wondering if he's choose to get here then get away from u while he awaits his statis change.

I'm glad that u have taken action , recovery from a event such as we have been thru doesen't happen over nite as many that have traveled our same journey now knows, but the mermaid is right, he will go into a immigration office at some point I just hope u filed your complaint before he thought to go with any type of scam to tell the immigration officer.

ALL THE BEST TO YOU !!!!!!!!!

AGANA I too can relate to alot of what u typed, only a very selfish person with no respect for wedding vows, or another human being can attempt to pull off such a evil scam.

Well the 1st time I went to immugrations and just happened upon an officer, she did state that alot of spouses do come in and say the other is abusive. I informed her that we were both abosive to each other. She is the one I emailed his profile from the single lines to and letters he sent to several females promising them he was going to make them his wife. There were about 7 that was rearranging their lives to spend forever with him.

Edited April 16, 2008 by rdsey

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

She is the one I emailed his profile from the single lines to and letters he sent to several females promising them he was going to make them his wife. There were about 7 that was rearranging their lives to spend forever with him.

It's time to rearrange yours and get the heck away from this monster.

It's time for you hon, please.....take care of you.

[sarahaziz 0]

Continue fighting to get him deported. We don't need people like that here.

[melusine 5]

We all can be used by these people, even people who work in the field with these individuals are conned. Human predators of all kinds are excellent at cloaking their true motives and true direction.

They do this by using soft words and by never acknowledging exactly what it is that they want, or where it is that they are going, until they have achieved their objectives until it is too late to reverse their encroachment or predatory intentions.

The average human being becomes prey because they do not identify a predator quick enough. And the predator of humans in business transactions, manipulations, emotional transactions and relationships is effective because they never show their true colors. They are effective because they do not.

It is exactly like the answer I got from a herpetologist, or an expert in snakes a long time ago. The question is:

"Why is it that we are able to see a large snake crawling across an open lawn towards a bird or an animal, and not see the animal move to escape."

Perhaps instead of seeing people as good or bad, we need to begin acknowledging a third group . . . the "Tricksters." Tricksters have the appearance of goodness that enables them to take advantage of others, taking all they can get, legally or illegally. These folks live through their possessions and material wealth means a great deal to them, although they may affect a humble, self-effacing attitude. It is not the mugger in the alley or other obvious shady characters we need to fear, for we have learned their ways. Disguised with charming manners and a smiling countenance, real danger lurks in an overly solitious new acquaintance who offers friendship easily . . . and just as easily withdraws it. Tricksters have two faces - one that smiles when we are helping to further their agenda, and another that turns cold when we can no longer support their projects or need financial help ourselves.

The following identifying markers will help alert people to the presence of "Tricksters":

A. Being insecure, yet proud, they will talk badly about other people, trying to get you to agree. They recount stories of personal success, but are stingy with praise for others.

B. Most of their waking hours are consumed with schemes for making money with the least amount of effort.

C. They have few, if any, real friends. These people are afraid to get close to anyone they can't completely control, for fear their deceptive nature will be uncovered. It may seem they are offering friendship and help, but it is only a mirage, acted out to gain one's confidence. Does confidence/con-man ring a bell?

D. They are excellent self-promoters, and have an exaggerated sense of their place in the eternal plan . . . delusions of Grandeur . . . and believe their calling is above that of others.

E. Except for sarcastic wit and put-down jokes, they lack a sense of humor, and almost never laugh at themselves.

F. They concentrate great energy on presenting an image of competence. Everything is done for show and the admiration of others. Their homes feel cold and empty, even when decorated with expensive art and creative furnishings.

G. They lack the "nurturing instinct." Most of the care they provide derives from a sense of responsibility imposed by society's expectations.

H. They often live through their children, trying to mold them in their image and disregarding the child's individuality.

I. Their most miserable moments are when they are low on cash and their happiest are those spent with newly acquired possessions or money itself.

J. They have a knack for borrowing money or getting people to give them something valuable for a small down-payment and big promises.

K. They cannot brook criticism, even constructive, and their authority must never be questioned.

L. Not always, but more often than not, they are fitness oriented, as they need to maintain their image. This interest in appearing fit usually has little to do with good health. This emphasis on outward appearance may include such health destroying practices as fad diets, over-consumption of alcohol instead of food, strict starvation diets, and often bulimia.

M. They love to talk, but only listen to find personal weaknesses or flaws in those with whom they converse, which can be used to their advantage at some future time, i.e., blackmail.

N. They love to draw up and sign agreement contracts as a way to help "protect" you.

O. Believing themselves above the law, they circumvent as many regulations as possible to cut operating costs.

P. They lie, or tell half-truths, and evade direct questions.

Q. They underpay their workers, employ illegal aliens, keep employees on part-time status to avoid tax and insurance costs, and lie on their tax returns.

R. They "lure" people into money making schemes and partnerships to separate them from their money, and are adept at discarding folks who are no longer useful to them or have been sucked dry.

S. They use relatives and friends to do work they would otherwise have to pay professionals for.

T. They are cold, calculating, litigious, and rarely accept responsibility for failure. They act from their mindless ambition, seldom from their heart.

U. Spouses and children are controlled financially as well as emotionally. Their work and business are always more important than family time. Money is their first priority.

V. They are expert at blaming and putting others down to make themselves look good.

W. They are filled with fear, instead of light, and are overly concerned about security arrangements, their own well being, and naturally, their own eventual death.

X. If they own pets, they are usually expensive "show pieces," pedigreed animals, even wolf hybrids, a sad mix if ever there was one. Such animals often suffer emotional neglect, becoming either lonely, depressed, or vicious guard dogs.

Y. You can never trust them completely. They wear you out, mentally and emotionally with plans, schemes, gossip, and inside information.

Z. You can't relax around them as they are never truly happy or relaxed themselves, and always have a new "trick" or moneymaking project up their sleeves.

Not all tricksters display all of the above characteristics, but enough of them to be recognizable when we sit down to analyze their behavior. Why are we so often mesmerized by their dazzling reflections when our common sense should be flashing yellow warning lights before our eyes? Perhaps it is because these tricksters are adepts at using our own character weaknesses, manifestations of ego, and lack of suspiciousness to their own advantage. Sometimes we are just too stressed and preoccupied to listen to warning messages coming from deep within.

It is a matter of survival that we listen to the Spirit, evaluate our own motives, and use wisdom when beginning new ventures with new people. It is not character weakness or negativity on our part to check a person's references or past history before developing a relationship. Neither is it cold nor ruthless to terminate a developing relationship when we sense we are the "main course" on their menu.

Determining the source of the light that illuminates our new charismatic acquaintance's countenance is only common sense . . . something that is not so common anymore. Without the basic survival instinct of common sense, we may be lured like moths to the Trickster's moon-like brilliance and possible loss, damage or emotional destruction.

OMFG... i see SOOOO much my ex-boyfriend in thoses lines (not all of them but quite much)

Damn... that hurts ! (but enlightening somehow).. damn i feel like a dumb.

At least i had enough guts to put a stop to it and give back some of the poison given ! But imagine nicer people... how screwed it might become.

Still tho, i still have some affection for him (just in a friendly way tho.. like you got me, i got you... we're even !)

Thank you Ganja Girl !

just saw rdsey did too.....

[melusine 5]

one good thing tho.... somehow he boosted my self esteem because of his expectation in me !

stupid but that part kinda stayed aswell as beeing even more competitive than i already was (and believe me... i was !)

[melusine 5]

I'm sorry that i am taking some space in the original conversation.. but that post really shaked me up....

I need to vent it.....

i remember.... i even asked to my actual sweety at the time he was just a friend, someone i could trust to help and check on me if i wasn't going insane and to tell me if that would ever happen !

[rdsey 0]

Rd, Do me a favor; read what you have written but think of your writings as somebody's else's situation, then think back to the time before your husband made it into this country. Think about the ex-wife in Germany the correspondence u found from him and her then think about your immigration meeting where u revealed your beliefs concerning him.

Almost all of us here have an ideal of what u have been thru with the filing and waiting for his visa approval and the excitment and joy of picking up a loved one once they arrive from overseas. Some of us can even identify with u when you type about your husband being on the personal lines and having a desire to move away. ( IN THE NAME OF SEEKING BETTER PAY. )

Even your current situation, please be aware that your not alone, I too was able too identify with because I too experienced a similiar situation where this loved loved me so much when I would visit him in Nigeria but then made sure my life was unbearably miserable then turned around and blamed me as an abrusive spouse to the immigration officers. With that said, I wondering if he's choose to get here then get away from u while he awaits his statis change.

I'm glad that u have taken action , recovery from a event such as we have been thru doesen't happen over nite as many that have traveled our same journey now knows, but the mermaid is right, he will go into a immigration office at some point I just hope u filed your complaint before he thought to go with any type of scam to tell the immigration officer.

ALL THE BEST TO YOU !!!!!!!!!

AGANA I too can relate to alot of what u typed, only a very selfish person with no respect for wedding vows, or another human being can attempt to pull off such a evil scam.

[/quote

i have been away for a while but wanted to respond to statement.

My husband is smart enough to go to immugrations to make a story he would wait until we were there together, they show him his wrong doings then he will try to concor something up about me. It happened with his attonery. After I showed her his dirt he stated he had dirt and could bring it to her later that was several months ago and she hadn't heard from him.

His work perment and gc has expired and wanted to know what he needed to do so he asked fopr my help and stated if he needed to be here to do it he would probally just move back see thats how he tries to be smart. He think he might need to face immugrations to renew his cards so he would move back. I told him he didn;t need to I was doing fine all by myself and although we are still legally married I look at our marriage like he does it dont exist.

I have somewhat moved on with my life and after removal of conditions the only way he would get it will be alone. I did inform him I will be there and I will also inform immugrations that he lived like he was single.

I did loose our baby he lived for 7 hours. It hurted me so if I can find something postive out of it, it would be I wont have to raise my child as a single parent and even if he helped it would only mean he would still be in my life. Every thing happens for a reason. Oh by the way he is in NY making less than in texas. he has received 4 tickets so far he was in an accident, his car broke down twice, his car was towed away because he blocked a roommate in, the landlord had nothing positive to say about him so she put him out and did I mention he makes less now than in texas he makes $8.00 an hour in NY this comes from not lining up his plans with God and he was out of line with his marriage

[Carlawarla 1]

Thanks for getting back to us. First, I'm so sorry about your baby. Big Hugs!! Secondly, I think you're finally seeing him for what he really is, and I know that doing that, hurts you very much. You mentioned his GC expired, and he's not living with you, so basically, he'll be applying for conditions to be lifted on his own, and is probably working illegally now anyway. I'd stay as far away as possible from him. This information at the lawyers, is this a divorce lawyer? There should not be any reason why you'd both be at immigration together anyway, since you've said you're not sponsoring him in lifting of conditions. I'm glad you've moved on. All the best in the future.

[rdsey 0]

Thanks for getting back to us. First, I'm so sorry about your baby. Big Hugs!! Secondly, I think you're finally seeing him for what he really is, and I know that doing that, hurts you very much. You mentioned his GC expired, and he's not living with you, so basically, he'll be applying for conditions to be lifted on his own, and is probably working illegally now anyway. I'd stay as far away as possible from him. This information at the lawyers, is this a divorce lawyer? There should not be any reason why you'd both be at immigration together anyway, since you've said you're not sponsoring him in lifting of conditions. I'm glad you've moved on. All the best in the future.

Yes this was the immugration lawyer. This was back before he moved to NY. She wanted to tlk to both of us about our sitution. She explained to him how his case looks messy and she said we had until 09 before the removal of conditions I state then and now I will attend because I dont want him to lie to get his status. I want to state my side.

I saw him for what he was but ddn't want to first because before we got married people were already saying he was going to do it but it was because they knew someone that had gone through it or because it was so comon for them to marry only for status so I didnt want to say they were right, second I really loved him, I still do but its weaken each day I think about what he put me and my children through, third the divorce rate is so high with african americans that sometime I feel like its expected to divorce, be a single parent or a low life dad and I didn't want to be in the list so I can with out a doubt say I worked hard to make this marriage work.