So does it really suck when they get here or what?

[Jenn! 918]

While there are often commonalities to the adjustment experience, I do feel that much of it really depends on personality and beliefs. A little bit of "Westernization", as LaL pointed out, goes a long way in helping things go smoothly.

That said, I'd say our single biggest issue has been the pace of life here. I like what Amanda said about squeezing a week's work of tasks into one day. Punctuality is respected (and expected) here. If a bill is due on the last day of the month, it means *that day* and not "when I get around to it". Employers expect you to be there, yes, every single day you're scheduled to work!

I've been much better equipped to handle the demanding lifestyle here, though I have to say that I can't wait until we can move back to Europe and actually *enjoy* life.

[sara535 15]

it is NOT a fairy tale.

I think adjusting to a new marriage is difficult in and of itself, when you add to that 'culture shock' and everything that entails it can really be crazy. It IS an adjustment for everyone, for you and your kids to make room in your already settled life and for him to step in to an already settled life and try to find his place in it while leaving behind everyone and everything familiar and comfortable to him.

Do not underestimate the difficulty and do expect it.

I know for me it was all made worse by the fact that I didnt really anticipate it at all, I though oh yeah it'll be tough for him for a while blah blah blah and I was stunned 3 or 4 months into it at just how much we were fighting. We hadnt had a stormy relationship prior to his arrival, so I was just shocked by it all.

Having said all that, chin up and keep a sense of humor... yes it was rocky but we certainly had some good times and some good laughs along the way - enough to keep us together through it all!

If I could offer up ONE solid piece of advice I wish someone had told me, I would say to be very aware of the words and phrases you use and to check often to make sure your husband is understanding you clearly. I was and am still amazed at how arguments can begin or escalate depending on a misinterpretation or misunderstanding of a word or a phrase. American english is full of not just slang, but colloquilisms (sp?) and phrases that are so common to us but can mean something completely different to an outsider trying to make a literal translation. ( I wish I could think of an example but oddly enough my mind is blank right now). Anyway, once I figured out how often that was happening I found myself stopping often to make sure there wasnt anything that needed to be clarified or explained. Even now there are occasions when we'll start to have an arguement about something stupid and I will ask him, "what do you think I meant when I said_____?" and sometimes we can just nip it in the bud right there.

Anyway, be prepared for some hard work but remember you have a lot of friends around here that are in various stages of the same thing

[JeanneVictoria 55]

Wael's adjustment here has been fantastic. I am really so very lucky that he has adjusted to our way of life, the food, the people. the traffic, etc. One thing I know that helped is his english is excellent so that wasn't a problem for him. He speaks with his family every other evening on yahoo and has a webcam for them to see him. Saturday and Sunday's are his days off so he talks with his friends in Egypt on yahoo. We don't pay for calling cards or any long distance as the rates are just too high.

And finally I would say that the hardest part when they arrive here is the adjustment which will vary from person to person. There is no basic rule of how long it takes or how they will do their personal adjustments, but, we should always remember that we have to be supportative and understanding of their needs.

So just have a good time and be thankful they arrive safely!!

[tammy2688 1]

Bridget, I have read your question and all of the answers here. They are all very good. But you know what? You know your husband better than any one. The specific problems you anticipate are specific to him. From what I know about you, you are a very educated and mature woman and your choice of Usama was not a shot in the dark. The qualities that he displayed to win you heart will be there, despite the whining abt family, work etc and reading bad experiences and getting discouraged is as bad as reading good experiences and getting excited. I feel that his adjustment will be a good one. You will be there to show him the way till he can pick it up and do it on his own. I can tell you though, you will feel so good to have him by your side. Every relationship has problems and you are educated in Islamic traditions, you know all about the culture. For that reason i especially do not foresee misunderstandings between you too. I emphasize on the ESL classes, not for anything specific, but the broad and overwhelming affect it can have. It may be his first and most necessary outlet to being a part of US. First "inside" look, it is something that can set the motion for further understanding of english, culture, making friends, etc and getting better jobs. Something to set him into motion. If he is idle he will be bothorsome to you, but if he is busy he will be all the better. I talked to my husband who will take classes here Insha-Allah when he comes. I think it is one of the best things. Sometimes outside influence by muslims/arabs of this country is bothorsome as the ones who have been here are a but like "been there done it all" and give bad advice like they are the hot shots and usama needs to "learn" from them. This is not good when a 3rd party influences a marriage so I suggest gettng him togehter with people YOU love and trust and in an environment such as ESL class or classes or a job sector you trust.

Finally I will say again, you know him the best. I know in your heart of hearts this is a wonderful thing and the ups and downs are expected always and in all ways in any relationship with anyone.

Do not worry and let God give you the love and peace you desire from this relationship, and you will get it.

Tammy

[tammy2688 1]

Sara's advice:

Ya this is very true. I have had this problem on several instances with mixing up words, me getting pissed cause he didnt get it right away, etc. Bridget you just have to slow pace everything and when you feel yourslef getting frustrated, just know that you have the capability of making things right and repeat it better. This is very valuable lesson to learn early.

Edited April 8, 2008 by tammy2688

[morocco4ever 63]

I see that they almost all go through the same things. I find that my husband is still to this day finding it hard to fit in. We live in a neighborhood with a lot of older retired people. Tons of mormons. He just wants to find friends to do guy things with, but that has proven to be more difficult than we anticipated. Either they are old or they are young and mormon, or they are young, but are busy with their families. And then there are the guys that want to hang out at clubs, drinking smoking, and picking up women. He just doesn't fit into any of these categories. He has recently found a few friends at work, but they still haven't gone out and done any guy things.

He, like others, is amazed at how fast paced life is here. He gets frustrated how fast the days go by and how much responsiblity we have. He admits that he thought life here would be different.

[doodlebugg 10]

Sara's advice:

Ya this is very true. I have had this problem on several instances with mixing up words, me getting pissed cause he didnt get it right away, etc. Bridget you just have to slow pace everything and when you feel yourslef getting frustrated, just know that you have the capability of making things right and repeat it better. This is very valuable lesson to learn early.

What's weird is the only communication fights we have had were either on the phone or on the webcam but never when we were together. Half the time it's because we can't hear each other. Now, when we talk, if he thinks I"m saying something that might anger him he halts the conversation by saying, "I think we should change the subject because I don't want to fight over a phrase I don't understand". Then he'll call his friend in Canada and talk it over and then get back to me the next day and say "I know what you were saying now". I am blessed that so far he has been very patient and knows enough not to jump the gun. I think a lot of it has to do with his friend and what he has told him to expect. He knows his friend has wanted to move back several times due to the economy, etc. so he is not coming into it thinking the streets are paved with gold.

I have to admit I was p!ssed off when I started this thread because ever since we've had the hope that he'll get the visa shortly I have had someone pose as my husband's fiance, someone embellish things that I said in a confidential forum and basically someone trying to rain on my parade from day 1, so when a few people started on "just wait......" I just had it BUT I think this will be a good thread to reference when the day comes that he snaps into some alter ego that i have heard so much but never seen before.

[MrsAmera 41]

I'm going to put out a phrase to avoid at all cost "you are in the doghouse," or "I should put you in the doghouse". Don't say this. Just don't. My brother in law (who has lived in the US for 10 years) flipped out at me when I made this reference. There are others like this so just watch out for those!

While it's true you do know your husband, understand that the way you knew your husband in their home country probably will change when he gets here. I think others can attest that there are changes that occur as they deal with adjusting to a new culture. It's normal - I think having a smooth transition is more of an exception than a norm in this isntance.

[doodlebugg 10]

ok so things NOT to say and do:

you are in the doghouse

you are a donkey

throwing a shoe at the guy

others?

[Ban Hammer 13,334]

ok so things NOT to say and do:

you are in the doghouse

you are a donkey

throwing a shoe at the guy

others?

being shot at or chased with a chainsaw ranks pretty high on my list of relationship no-no's

[doodlebugg 10]

ok so things NOT to say and do:

you are in the doghouse

you are a donkey

throwing a shoe at the guy

others?

being shot at or chased with a chainsaw ranks pretty high on my list of relationship no-no's

OMG I have a ton of others but I can't say them here! lol

[Nasturtium 500]

I think everyone has given good advice and from the difference in people's advice it's probably not hard to see everyone's experience is different. We had a nearly smooth transition. But! We did have about 2 weeks or so when we were both fairly testy. He was mad he couldn't hear my voice in the car and I was mad I had to explain even the most "basic" things half the time, a million times-- and I am NOT known for any kind of emotion resembling patience. But then... things just kind of magically blew over. We only out and out fought once, and that was over my student loan. I called friends and complained when i felt really stressed, and he-- well he probably had it a ton of a percentage worse. He didn't have someone to really call like i did and he didn't knwo where things were to escape. He didn't call more than once a month to his family. He called a few friends and spent some time on email. He also had immediate work permit being on Cr-1 and he got a job at my work in 2 weeks-- just a few days after we came back from visiting my parents. So basically, lots of stress was alleviated in the beginning. So it is possible to really not have a problem-- I think it depends on both of your expectations and your temperments combined with the situation of what you are both going through when he comes and after he's here for a while.

[doodlebugg 10]

Well hopefully we won't have to wait long for the EAD. Vermont seems to have a reasonable timeline going on lately so unless that changes it should be about 45 to 60 days which is fine. That will give him a chance to maneuver the bus/subway, though truly it's a very organized transit system now compared to when I used to use it way back when. I"m taking him Sunday to the mosque in Cambridge that's run by an Egyptian so he can meet a few people there. Oh and a Pakistani guy from work came up to me and said he heard my husband was coming Friday and offered to take him to Friday prayers and then have us both over for dinner....of course he said "my wife can cook dinner with you while I take him to Friday prayers" lol. Oh well the gesture was nice and that could be a nice start to a network since he is a manager in materials management where I work.

[amal 4]

Mine didn't, (and still doesn't) like it when he hears us refer to it as "bringing them here" or "shipping them back home". He says that he is an adult and he was just as much in charge of bringing himself here as I was and therefore can also send himself back home if he feels he needs to. lol I had to stop talking to my friends out loud about that lol!

[sarahaziz 0]

Well if you lived with your spouse for a good 3 months or more remember how you felt towards him and his family and what you were expecting him to do for you. It's pretty much how it's gonna be here I think.