So does it really suck when they get here or what?

[doodlebugg 10]

All I hear lately is be prepared, this is the hard part, etc.

So...since a lot of us are having our reunions this month, why don't you seasoned gals/guys tell us the REAL DEAL Kind of like when I'm afraid of flying and want to hear about worst case scenarios. Might as well since everyone is giving me this down in the dumps attitude about the whole thing. (not all here but other places as well)

So....I'm all ears. What parts really suck about having them here?

[♥JP♥ 5]

It can be bittersweet. Its great to finally have them here but it doesn't exactly play out the way you see it in the movies. Think of him like a fish out of water. He is getting adjusted to many new things all the while dealing with being homesick. He is going to ask a ton of questions and hopefully you will have the patience to deal with that.

He will want to spend alot of time on the phone talking to family and friends and if he can't find work or isn't allowed to work he is going to get all mopey. Dig deep down and find every single ounce of patience you have because you will need it. Good luck Bridget! Let me know if you need anything!

[terrie/kamal 0]

ADJUSTMENT IS HARD. MINE HAS BEEN HERE A LITTLE OVER 5 MONTHS AND THINGS STILL ARE TAKING TIME. BRIDGET THERE IS ALOT OF HELP AND PPL TO TALK TO IN MENA IN YOU NEED THEM. GOOD LUCK!!

[~Jackie~ 30]

I'm not the best one to comment on this...but I can remember a few ....issues.

Watching them drive off for the first time on their own, might feel like sending a kindergartner to the first day of school. He will probably get lost and call you for directions. Don't panic. Hopefully he will call BEFORE getting to a state line. lol.

Get used to sharing the remote control, the computer and everything in your drawers and cupboards. Be prepared to translate and explain ALOT. They know English...but not slang. Ibrahim is learning the difference between #######, poop and shiite. (Lexy is helping him on this )

Culture shock is not only for him..but you also. Amal has extensive research on this and she is willing to share

[Ban Hammer 13,334]

All I hear lately is be prepared, this is the hard part, etc.

So...since a lot of us are having our reunions this month, why don't you seasoned gals/guys tell us the REAL DEAL Kind of like when I'm afraid of flying and want to hear about worst case scenarios. Might as well since everyone is giving me this down in the dumps attitude about the whole thing. (not all here but other places as well)

So....I'm all ears. What parts really suck about having them here?

having the kitchen rearranged to her liking. now i can't find anything.

things moving from where i put them around the house. i still can't find anything.

being told the cats won't sleep on the bed. yeah right

[sereia 0]

Let me just say please research culture shock and how to handle people who are IN culture shock. I don't think I handled it the best way and neither did my husband. If you (and your husband) can recognize what it is, and talk it out, it might save you some fights and craziness.

I agree with JP on all things. Be patient with his questions, make sure he understands the answers, and explain things to him he doesn't know to ask about. Try to keep him as busy as possible too!

I wish you the best! Believe it or not, the easiest part is behind you now.

[amal 4]

The adjustment is not all rose petals and sunlight. Some of our worst times were in the first 3 months he was here. i grew tired of explaining things and talking at a snails pace.n I got tired of being misunderstood and him getting mad and me having to explain it 18 times until he finally got it. I remember many-a-days where I called upon some of my girls, Jackie, a friend in seattle, jenprincess (used to be on here a lot), and a couple of others coz I was so frustrated that I couldn't see straight anymore.

I have an extremely picky eater so cooking was (and still is) a very touchy issue. We had multiple arguments over how something was cooked OR just what was served in general.

He couldn't understand that my son didn't keep every room in the house spottless at all times and that was very difficult to overcome. I've slowly taught my son to pick up after himself THE SECOND he is done or someones gettin' in trouble.

We had troubles over him not having a car, cell phone, his name on my house, visiting my family... basically every daily living activity was challenging for us for a long time.

Patience is the most important thing to have! I can't stress that enough. 1 thing I learned was not to get hot headed until I spoke to someone that had been thru adjusting before deciding if I was gonna be mad over it or not. It isn't just them adjusting, its the kids and you as well.

Having said that, there are some couples on here who have had a fantastic time from the get-go. Some have had hardly a problem at all. Each relationship is different in how we adjust to each other. Yours may be a walk in the park too, you just never know.

Jackie was right, I have done a lot of research on culture shock on both his side and the american side. If you have ANY problems or ANY questions, please do not be afraid to contact me. It can be a rough ride so don't let that overwhelm you. We're all here for ya girl.

amal

[MrsAmera 41]

Simply put yes it does suck. I think that after the first week or so wears off it goes downhill for a loooooong time. This is not to say that there are no happy moments but be ready for the bad ones because they are coming. Get ready to:

- Repeat, repeat, repeat everything you say, the girls say, people say, like Jackie said even if they know the language they don't know the slang.

- Get ready not to have a perfect life and for the child/step-parent adjustment. Ours went well at first but I see the issues coming out now.

- Sharing everything. I know you've been independent and done for yourself for a long time and while it is nice to have another responsible adult it's hard to give up a lot of that control. You will want to do a lot for him, to show him the "right" way to do it, I say let him have at it. Help him pick up the pieces if he fails.

-Laziness, I hate to say it really I do but I've seen it. A lot of these guys are not use to the pace of life here and can't imagine squeezing in what we do in one day, in a weeks time. They aren't used to regimented schedules and they don't get it.

- The honey do list isn't going to get done for a good long time - this goes back to the time management issue. I have to laugh at this thought becuase it's been 2 years and now my husband is finally understanding honey-do's.

- The female/male dynamic. Even if your man is the most liberalized Arab/Middle Eastern man on the planet - I swear there are expectations and ideals they hold. Maybe you didn't see them when you were together before but within a month they will rear their ugly head. He will ask you to make and bring him lunch, and other things of this nature. I've found if I just do it it's less struggle. Plus he usually makes up for it some other way later.

- Will post more soon.

[amal 4]

Simply put yes it does suck. I think that after the first week or so wears off it goes downhill for a loooooong time. This is not to say that there are no happy moments but be ready for the bad ones because they are coming. Get ready to:

- Repeat, repeat, repeat everything you say, the girls say, people say, like Jackie said even if they know the language they don't know the slang.

- Get ready not to have a perfect life and for the child/step-parent adjustment. Ours went well at first but I see the issues coming out now.

- Sharing everything. I know you've been independent and done for yourself for a long time and while it is nice to have another responsible adult it's hard to give up a lot of that control. You will want to do a lot for him, to show him the "right" way to do it, I say let him have at it. Help him pick up the pieces if he fails.

-Laziness, I hate to say it really I do but I've seen it. A lot of these guys are not use to the pace of life here and can't imagine squeezing in what we do in one day, in a weeks time. They aren't used to regimented schedules and they don't get it.

- The honey do list isn't going to get done for a good long time - this goes back to the time management issue. I have to laugh at this thought becuase it's been 2 years and now my husband is finally understanding honey-do's.

- The female/male dynamic. Even if your man is the most liberalized Arab/Middle Eastern man on the planet - I swear there are expectations and ideals they hold. Maybe you didn't see them when you were together before but within a month they will rear their ugly head. He will ask you to make and bring him lunch, and other things of this nature. I've found if I just do it it's less struggle. Plus he usually makes up for it some other way later.

- Will post more soon.

yep, yep, and yep... are u sure ur husband and mine aren't related lol!!

[MrsAmera 41]

LOL maybe - but I think that some people are just more willing to accept and help others realize it's not such a fairy tale *hugs*

[amal 4]

I wanna putta reminder out there though, that even though there are days I would love to be over and done, there are more days that I'm happier than I've ever been. I definitely have more good days now than bad BUT in the beginning, it was reversed. I wouldn't trade him for a warm fuzzy dog. He really is worth everything we've been thru together.

amal

[Mommy2ZaidnSalma 11]

i can say just like JP its bittersweet..its definitly not what alot of people think....

expect him to talk to his family at least 3 times a week when he gets here, it will fade down after time, but...those hour long calling card conversations will go on and on....the family will ask about money, work, money, and work...back home mentality is we pick money from trees...so..when their surprised he hasnt saved ten grand in 6 months of getting here, dont be alarmed..something to get use to....

i did also find like amanda....doing something u dont want to, sometimes just makes life easier...and yes, he too makes up for it in the end...but, it was an adjustment for me....

having issues with how much time i spent with my family...this, i nipped in the butt right away....and he eventually got use to it....and now, he adores my family, and they adore him....

language issues when going out....sometimes i still have to stop myself from ordering his dinner at a restaurant or calling ipass or bill people, pretending to be him....i learned to just accept it if he is asked to repeat himself, rather than trying to do everything for him....

yes, watching him drive away for the first time...his first job interview, his first night out with friends...it was like sending a kid to his first day at school....still to this day, i panic if he's late, or doesnt call...i feel like he just doesnt know any better, even though i know he does....worrying waaayyy too much is to be expected....

i, all in all, have been blessed with an amazing man...i know not everyone on here has had the best situation, and i thank god everyday that my husband has shaped into the person he has here, his english is phenomenal, his perspective on "american" life has changed, and he will even eat a box of hamburger helper without complaints....he now accepts things as they are, and has stopped trying to have control or change the things he may not like or approve of...all in all....be patient, things do get better....

[LaL 418]

What parts really suck about having them here?

I do think its a majority of cases in which adjustment cases some issues in the relationship, but not all. I have not experienced parts of it "sucking" that he is here.

[MrsAmera 41]

I agree 100% with what Kelly said too. I love my husband to death and it was absolutely worth it but the hair pulling arguments and stress involved are huge!

I too found my husband got upset with the amount of time I spent with my family, but sometimes I think it was really just because he missed his so much - but he wouldn't vocalize that.

That's another thing to get used to - he's not going to tell you exactly what's wrong for a good long time. I learned to ignore him and not keep asking what's wrong - just let him be!

I still occassionally order for him when we go out and do other tasks like that but we've recently had a discussion about things he can take on (long story but i'll tell if you want!). Even though you have another adult around, you will have to help him and face it do things for him for a long time.

The phone calls home are hard, like Kelly said it was constant questions about money and work, money and work. They don't understand how expensive life is here and I would venture to guess hubby doesn't either. He still complains about the cost of living but is starting to get it now. It does take time for them to grasp that while 1,000$ sounds like a lot to them, in the grand scheme of things it's a drop in the hat. Our first time grocery shopping the bill was over $100 my husband had a fit right there and then demanding to know how it could cost that much!!

Jealousy, it will and does happen. It will cause problems. I've found that this is one area (along with familiy) that I had to put my foot down or watch the situation spiral out of control..

Kelly if you have tips for how to get him to eat hamburger helper that would be great LOL food is still an issue here!

What parts really suck about having them here?

I do think its a majority of cases in which adjustment cases some issues in the relationship, but not all. I have not experienced parts of it "sucking" that he is here.

Maybe sucks is the wrong word. I think your husband was in the west before you were married though right? I think that makes a big difference. I think a lot of the issues don't simply stem from the relationship but the adjustment of moving to a new place.

[LaL 418]

What parts really suck about having them here?

I do think its a majority of cases in which adjustment cases some issues in the relationship, but not all. I have not experienced parts of it "sucking" that he is here.

Maybe sucks is the wrong word. I think your husband was in the west before you were married though right? I think that makes a big difference. I think a lot of the issues don't simply stem from the relationship but the adjustment of moving to a new place.

Yes, he immigrated to Canada a year before I met him. I do think that helped, but certainly isn't the whole picture. He does have some issues with not having a home (ie - Egypt no longer feels like home, Canada either, and is still aclimating to the US). He misses speaking arabic, but I think moreover than anything he is not traditional. That is probably what made it easier for him. Still, it dosent "suck" having him here and helping him with his adjustment.