The Guilt

[doodlebugg 10]

Then she hugged and kissed our son and started wailing! When she got to my husband, she actually fell to the floor.

omg that would have broken me into little bits.

I think this is why he's not going to have them come to the airport with him.

[MelindaandTarek 0]

You have been given a lot of support and good thoughts thus far. I haven't had to experience this just yet...however I am sure your husbands family will be okay and they can be happy to know that their brother is leaving to be w/his wife...and yes think of all the days/nights you have been alone..you deserve this!!!

[ya falaha! 0]

Islam or no Islam...if a man cannot maintain his wife and children and does not feel they are most important then he shouldn't get married or have children. That's not to say I believe in neglecting your parents or siblings. Giving in to their every whim is ridiculous though. Some families take advantage and pull guilt trips. You just have to be certain that your husband knows what their *wants* are and what their *needs* are. I know this sounds crappy to some but in my book if it's between me wanting a new pair of shoes and a sister wanting them...I'm getting the shoes first. She can go ahead and find a husband of her own for that. On the other hand, if I *want* a pair of shoes and his sister is in *need* of something important...the sister gets her needs met.

Edited April 3, 2008 by moody

[doodlebugg 10]

Islam or no Islam...if a man cannot maintain his wife and children and does not feel they are most important then he shouldn't get married or have children. That's not to say I believe in neglecting your parents or siblings. Giving in to their every whim is ridiculous though. Some families take advantage and pull guilt trips. You just have to be certain that your husband knows what their *wants* are and what their *needs* are. I know this sounds crappy to some but in my book if it's between me wanting a new pair of shoes and a sister wanting them...I'm getting the shoes first. She can go ahead and find a husband of her own for that. On the other hand, if I *want* a pair of shoes and his sister is in *need* of something important...the sister gets her needs met.

I agree 100% on that. This doesn't have to do with money though, it's about little things like him escorting them when they shop, or him fielding out the men who come to him asking for their hand in marriage, etc. They'll get by but I think it will be difficult in the beginning because they are not used to doing certain things alone.

[allousa 1]

Then she hugged and kissed our son and started wailing! When she got to my husband, she actually fell to the floor.

omg that would have broken me into little bits.

I think this is why he's not going to have them come to the airport with him.

It was freakin' AWFUL. My husband doesn't cry and when he got in the car, I could tell he had really been crying hard.

But I have talked to my inlaws since my husband has been home and they are doing really good. Inshallah, when your love gets here, it will all work itself out.

I guess I am lucky in that my husband has four brothers and one sister. She's married, but I know that my FIL sends her money all of the time. I am also very lucky that I have GREAT inlaws. I actually miss them and wish we could be closer. They are wonderful and loving people.

[mohamed N melinda 0]

in islam wife shouldnot effect on the husband relation and if we will classify it so well parent will come first and thats the islam not wife first then parent . and if he isnot good to his parent who raised him and made him man so dont expect him to be good to his wife

I suggest you take out your anger then on the scholars and the hadeeth and Qu'ran evidence. I was only going off of those. If you disagree I suggest you post the evidence of hadeeth and Qu'ran which says a man or woman's siblings and parents, cousins, etc. come before his wife and children. and that he is not responsible for their maintenance. I will be happy to look at your evidence.

ETA: honoring your parents and maintaining your relationship with your family/family ties doesn't mean doing whatever they want, by the way.

i am not angry at all i just wanted to show to all thats wrong information about islam that wife come first . quraan or hadith never said that

all u posted about those questions were about obeying the wife for the husband and there is nothing say that wife MUST come first be4 parent . wife should obey her husband in every thing .

and about the evidence u want me to post there is hadith say HEAVEN IS UNDER MOTHER FEET

it is didnot say UNEDER WIFE FEET

and when someone asked the prophet (SAW) about who is the person i should be good at him he said YOUR MOTHER and he said then who he said YOUR MOTHER he said then who he said YOUR MOTHER he said then who he said YOUR FATHER

any good muslim know his religion good would never put his wife be4 his parents

i agree with u about husband should spend money on his wife and take good care of her and his kids

but also if his parent hasnot anyone to take care of them so thats his responsabilty too

when u said about if the man has 10 bucks in his bocket who he will give too why they not split it

u think islam said u should feed your wife and let your parents hungry?????

and again i am not angry i just wanted to show whats islam is

about bridget hubby he is so right to worry about his sisters that they will be alone when he is gone

it is arabic islamic tradition and manners . i know it is hard for american to understand that cause most of teenager when they are 18 they move out and have thier own life . in islamic country it is so different . brother or father is responsable for the sisiters and daughter till they got married and if they divorced he is responsable for them too.

inshaAllah they will be fine and i am sure he will be in contact with them always

have great day all

[ya falaha! 0]

I was addressing it as a money thing because since he'll be here and them there, he can't really do much else for them besides financial support. He can arranged for help but can't physically do anything. When it comes time for them to choose a suitor he could arrange to be there to take care of that stuff.

Does he always escort them on outings? My SILs and MIL nearly always do their thing on their own or with each other even when my husband was there. They all work outside the home as well (except for the MIL).

Islam or no Islam...if a man cannot maintain his wife and children and does not feel they are most important then he shouldn't get married or have children. That's not to say I believe in neglecting your parents or siblings. Giving in to their every whim is ridiculous though. Some families take advantage and pull guilt trips. You just have to be certain that your husband knows what their *wants* are and what their *needs* are. I know this sounds crappy to some but in my book if it's between me wanting a new pair of shoes and a sister wanting them...I'm getting the shoes first. She can go ahead and find a husband of her own for that. On the other hand, if I *want* a pair of shoes and his sister is in *need* of something important...the sister gets her needs met.

I agree 100% on that. This doesn't have to do with money though, it's about little things like him escorting them when they shop, or him fielding out the men who come to him asking for their hand in marriage, etc. They'll get by but I think it will be difficult in the beginning because they are not used to doing certain things alone.

[mohamed N melinda 0]

Islam or no Islam...if a man cannot maintain his wife and children and does not feel they are most important then he shouldn't get married or have children. That's not to say I believe in neglecting your parents or siblings. Giving in to their every whim is ridiculous though. Some families take advantage and pull guilt trips. You just have to be certain that your husband knows what their *wants* are and what their *needs* are. I know this sounds crappy to some but in my book if it's between me wanting a new pair of shoes and a sister wanting them...I'm getting the shoes first. She can go ahead and find a husband of her own for that. On the other hand, if I *want* a pair of shoes and his sister is in *need* of something important...the sister gets her needs met.

i think all women who married TRUE MUSLIM men should know about thier culture and religion and should have talked about that be4 they marry to make every thing clear.

about wife and sister need something and wife should have it first cause that her hubby and sister should go ahead to find hubby to get her her needs WHAT if she doesnot find hubby as the time what she will do go find boy friend to spend on her? u see the difference between culture and religion her!

thier is no competation between familly and wife and wife shouldnot get jealous if her hubby loves and care about his familly cause if he is this way to his familly and parent FOR SURE he will be good to her and his kids

[ya falaha! 0]

Maybe my husband isn't a "true" Muslim then because MY *needs* come first. Not my *wants*...my *needs*.

So if your wife and your sister both want something, you're going to cater to your sister first? What about your son? Will his auntie get hers first or will he?

I'm not saying don't do for your mother, father and sisters. I'm saying that taking on an extra responsibility like a wife and kids should be done only if you can handle it. No one should be neglected.

Islam or no Islam...if a man cannot maintain his wife and children and does not feel they are most important then he shouldn't get married or have children. That's not to say I believe in neglecting your parents or siblings. Giving in to their every whim is ridiculous though. Some families take advantage and pull guilt trips. You just have to be certain that your husband knows what their *wants* are and what their *needs* are. I know this sounds crappy to some but in my book if it's between me wanting a new pair of shoes and a sister wanting them...I'm getting the shoes first. She can go ahead and find a husband of her own for that. On the other hand, if I *want* a pair of shoes and his sister is in *need* of something important...the sister gets her needs met.

i think all women who married TRUE MUSLIM men should know about thier culture and religion and should have talked about that be4 they marry to make every thing clear.

about wife and sister need something and wife should have it first cause that her hubby and sister should go ahead to find hubby to get her her needs WHAT if she doesnot find hubby as the time what she will do go find boy friend to spend on her? u see the difference between culture and religion her!

thier is no competation between familly and wife and wife shouldnot get jealous if her hubby loves and care about his familly cause if he is this way to his familly and parent FOR SURE he will be good to her and his kids

[doodlebugg 10]

They do certain things on their own for sure. I mean he doesn't walk his oldest sister back and forth to work each day but yes if they want to go to a bazaar or whatever to buy clothes he either buys it for them or they go with him. Maybe they've gone alone before I don't know I'll have to ask. The other things though are just worries like what if the hot water tank goes on the blitz again, what if the refridge needs repair, what if the landlord wants to kick them out, etc. etc. etc.

Just fears of things that have not happened but are possibilities because of past experience. I know it's not a good comparison but I kind of relate it to when my first husband left me. I was LOST for some things but ok for others. Stupid little things had me in illogical fear like what day to take out the trash, who to call if the wood stove broke, how to mow the lawn....things that I never even thought of because he always took care of it. I caught on with some help from neighbors but it was hard because believe it or not I'm super shy in real life and don't ask for help all too easily.

Anyways all will be ok I'm sure. Hopefully he can teach them how to use a computer at a net cafe so they can talk via webcam but I think they're a little scared of going to a cafe since they have never even turned on a computer before.

[ya falaha! 0]

Once he's here and you see how things are going, you'll be more at ease. It may be rough at first but things almost always fall in place.

Does he have a friend who can help them work the computer at the net cafe? Or maybe have them go to the net cafe he frequents and the owner can help. My husband's friend owns the net cafe across the street from my inlaws so this guy hooks them up.

[doodlebugg 10]

Once he's here and you see how things are going, you'll be more at ease. It may be rough at first but things almost always fall in place.

Does he have a friend who can help them work the computer at the net cafe? Or maybe have them go to the net cafe he frequents and the owner can help. My husband's friend owns the net cafe across the street from my inlaws so this guy hooks them up.

I'm going to talk to him tonight about it. He was hoping to be able to have them set up at home so he wouldn't have to deal with this but that isn't happening now so this will have to happen. The one he goes to now is men only. Actually I went there when I was there the first time and some made a stink that I was there but he yelled at them so they let me stay for 1 hour. I'm sure if they ask around they can find a nice one that is reasonable. I know there's a nice one at that big mall but it's kind of expensive...I think it was 10 pounds/hour or something I can't remember and for them that is a lot of money.

Hopefully they'll figure it out they just haven't been exposed to the computer world yet. Who knows maybe they'll meet someone online!!! hahahahhahahaha

[ayesha4akram 0]

Just got finished chatting with Akram, and asked him about his mother. He said "She's fine alhamdulillah and no comment". That meant , don't ask how she feels, so I didn't go there. I told her, I hope she still loves me, and he said, she does, but I'm her favorite now! (that was referring to a comment a year ago when he said, it seems like she favors you more than me!).

He told me this was life, and that everyone will get used to the idea of him not being there insha Allah. And that the communication (through internet, calling cards, etc) would still be there, "so please Ayesha don't worry, everything will be fine insha Allah".

I'll let you guys know about the ticket when he books it insha Allah he'll book it this Sunday. (don't want to say the date yet, in case of that evil eye! )

Hugs,

Ayesha

[sarahaziz 0]

They do certain things on their own for sure. I mean he doesn't walk his oldest sister back and forth to work each day but yes if they want to go to a bazaar or whatever to buy clothes he either buys it for them or they go with him. Maybe they've gone alone before I don't know I'll have to ask. The other things though are just worries like what if the hot water tank goes on the blitz again, what if the refridge needs repair, what if the landlord wants to kick them out, etc. etc. etc.

Just fears of things that have not happened but are possibilities because of past experience. I know it's not a good comparison but I kind of relate it to when my first husband left me. I was LOST for some things but ok for others. Stupid little things had me in illogical fear like what day to take out the trash, who to call if the wood stove broke, how to mow the lawn....things that I never even thought of because he always took care of it. I caught on with some help from neighbors but it was hard because believe it or not I'm super shy in real life and don't ask for help all too easily.

Anyways all will be ok I'm sure. Hopefully he can teach them how to use a computer at a net cafe so they can talk via webcam but I think they're a little scared of going to a cafe since they have never even turned on a computer before.

You're a very strong woman Bridget God bless you . Don't feel so guilty

[polarbear 0]

Don't feel guilty, just be there for him