The Guilt

[Nasturtium 500]

We are moving there when my kids are done with college so a ways away for us. In Islam yes he is responsible to me but in my husband's case he is also responsible for his family because he is the only son, the oldest sibling and their parents and all aunts/uncles are dead except one aunt. He is the wali for his sisters in all respects. He has asked his cousin, the one who stood as a witness at our marriage, to look after them but still it is not the same. His oldest sister is a very strong woman but still it's hard.

Still, you are supposed to be first. If he doesn't put you first then he is violating his religion and his culture. My husband is the sole supporter back home because the others just don't want to do it. It doesn't make it right or what he does any less, but he still puts us first. It may be hard for them to understand, but it is his responsibility to you... and if he's good and has the chance he will also take care of them too. They will eventually have to accept it or else it will cause problems... and I think most people do come to accept it. Just give it time. Your Dh will have his own battles with adjusting and hopefully things will get better after a bit-- for both him and his family. I think your idea of having him count down to a return date is a really good one! That worked for most of us when we were seperated from our SOs

[sara535 15]

I know there were a lot of tears in Adnan's family, but honestly I didnt feel particularly guilty. I think in Morocco and probably in many of these countries its very common to have family members living and working in other countries. Adnan has a sister married to a french moroccan and they've lived in france for several years, plus a few cousins scattered around the globe.

What DID make me feel bad, although I dont know if I would use the word guilty, was after he had been here for about a week and he called home and started crying when his dad got on the phone ( I am sure he would kill me for sharing anything about him crying, better hope he doesnt read this ). It made me sad. but since then he's been back to morocco for a month for Ramadan and also to france for a month to hang out with his sister while mom was there. Plus his mom came for a month in october for the baby, so over 3+ years thats not a bad record for visiting.

[ya falaha! 0]

Oh yeah I totally get the not wanting to call for certain reasons. First the calls dropped off a bit because the family kept asking him when he was going to work and he felt really bad (he couldn't work at the time). Then the hounding him for a baby started. My husband doesn't like to explain himself when he feels like a "failure" so he just avoids the topic completely. He's been calling more often now that we have the job situation and baby attempt taken care of.

I really think his family does control themselves well. They're the type that smile in the face of adversity. Always laughing and joking even if their world is falling apart. It has its good and bad points.

Maybe my inlaws don't miss my husband that much because they NEVER cry on the phone, lol.

LOL! Or they can control themselves better. For me it's a whole weird thing and I think it's bad for him too... it just makes for bad feelings and guilt, you know? It also makes for him not wanting to call because of the way they act.

[ya falaha! 0]

I agree with Juliana, the wife and children come first. My husband is the only son/brother so he does feel a sense of responsibilty for his parents and sisters (esp the unmarried sisters). This responsibility is showing itself at the moment because of his one sister's upcoming marriage. He's saving to contribute to her wedding. I understand but at the same time it's not "normal" for me since here it's basically every man for himself. Aside from a gift, most siblings here don't help pay for weddings or starting up households. Helping is one thing but you as the wife should have your needs met first.

We are moving there when my kids are done with college so a ways away for us. In Islam yes he is responsible to me but in my husband's case he is also responsible for his family because he is the only son, the oldest sibling and their parents and all aunts/uncles are dead except one aunt. He is the wali for his sisters in all respects. He has asked his cousin, the one who stood as a witness at our marriage, to look after them but still it is not the same. His oldest sister is a very strong woman but still it's hard.

Still, you are supposed to be first. If he doesn't put you first then he is violating his religion and his culture. My husband is the sole supporter back home because the others just don't want to do it. It doesn't make it right or what he does any less, but he still puts us first. It may be hard for them to understand, but it is his responsibility to you... and if he's good and has the chance he will also take care of them too. They will eventually have to accept it or else it will cause problems... and I think most people do come to accept it. Just give it time. Your Dh will have his own battles with adjusting and hopefully things will get better after a bit-- for both him and his family. I think your idea of having him count down to a return date is a really good one! That worked for most of us when we were seperated from our SOs

[Nutty 2]

I don't have any guilt. Sorry, but it's the truth.

First of all I know we will visit often. Secondly, my husband has a big family. The benefit of having big families is there are plenty of people to console one another and keep each other company.

[mohamed N melinda 0]

INSHAALLAH his familly will be fine and i think thats normal that they knew he is leaving to different country and different culture

wish him safe trip

. In Islam a man is supposed to have first responsibility to his wife and children, and second to his family.

thats not true who told you that wife come be4 familly and parents ( completly wrong)

[MrsAmera 41]

I did feel a little guilty (but I'm not sure if guilt is the right word...)because my husband was the last of his mother's sons to leave, but also not so much because there were 5 other sisters there who have families. Now my husband and his brother are here in the US and he has another sister and brother in Italy. I think it helps his family to know they are not alone (any of them). This last visit was really hard. It was his second time back but when we left it really was hard for both of us. His mom said good bye to me hugging and crying me and asking me to please please please take care of my husband and kids and come back soon. She's getting older so I think she might feel like every visit might be the last.

It's going to be hard but your husband and his sisters will be just fine. Sometimes as mean as it might sound, these guys need to grow up a little bit. They are babied forever!!!! My husband couldn't believe that once you're 18 here, most people go away to college, live on their own away from parents, study and work. It just is not that common there.

[mohamed N melinda 0]

Still, you are supposed to be first. If he doesn't put you first then he is violating his religion and his culture.

in islam wife shouldnot effect on the husband relation and if we will classify it so well parent will come first and thats the islam not wife first then parent . and if he isnot good to his parent who raised him and made him man so dont expect him to be good to his wife

[Nasturtium 500]

thats not true who told you that wife come be4 familly and parents ( completly wrong)

So you believe a man/woman should care for his/her parents and his/her siblings, cousins, etc first and the spouse and children second?? So what you are saying then is if he/she has $10 in pocket, it should go to his/her family first and not to his wife and children.. that his/her sisters or brothers should come before his/her own children. Since you seem unfamiliar with this aspect of Islam, I will put some fatwas which include adhadeeth and Qu'ran evidence for you.

Question #43123: Obeying one’s husband comes before obeying one’s parents and siblings

Question :

how important is a husband to his wife, are her sisters more important than husband, who should she listen to, how up on the importance ladder does husband comes. is husband more important than her own parents and sisters.

Answer :

Praise be to Allaah.

The Qur’aan and Sunnah indicate that the husband has a confirmed right over his wife, and that she is commanded to obey him, treat him well and put obedience to him above obedience to her parents and brothers. Indeed, he is her paradise and her hell. For example, Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means”

[al-Nisa’ 4:34]

And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:

“It is not permissible for a woman to fast when her husband is present except with his permission, or to allow anyone in his house without his permission.”

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4899.

Al-Albaani (may Allaah have mercy on him) said, commenting on this hadeeth: Since it is obligatory for a woman to obey her husband with regard to his satisfying his desire, it is more appropriate that it be obligatory for her to obey him in that which is more important than that, namely raising their children, guiding the family, and other rights and duties.

From Adaab al-Zafaaf, p. 282

Ibn Hibbaan narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:

“If a woman prays her five (daily prayers), fasts her month (Ramadaan), guards her chastity and obeys her husband, it will be said to her: ‘Enter Paradise from whichever of the gates of Paradise you wish.’” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 660.

Ibn Maajah (1853) narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Abi Awfa said: When Mu’aadh came from Syria, he prostrated to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) who said,

“What is this, O Mu'aadh?”

He said, I went to Syria and saw them prostrating to their archbishops and patriarchs, and I wanted to do that for you.

The Messenger of Allaah (S) said, “Do not do that. If I were to command anyone to prostrate to anyone other than Allaah, I would have commanded women to prostrate to their husbands. By the One in Whose hand is the soul of Muhammad, no woman can fulfil her duty towards Allaah until she fulfils her duty towards her husband. If he asks her (for intimacy) even if she is on her camel saddle, she should not refuse.”

Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Ibn Maajah.

Ahmad (19025) and al-Haakim narrated from al-Husayn ibn Muhsin that his paternal aunt came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) for something and he dealt with her need, then the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:

“Do you have a husband?”

She said, “Yes.”

He said: “How are you with him?”

She said, “I do not neglect any of his rights except those I am unable to fulfil.”

He said: “Look at how you are with him, for he is your paradise and your hell” – i.e., he is the cause of you entering Paradise if you fulfil his rights and the cause of your entering Hell if you fall short in that.

Al-Mundhiri classed the isnaad of this hadeeth as jayyid in al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb; it was classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb, no. 1933.

If there is a conflict between obedience to one’s husband and obedience to one’s parents, then obedience to one’s husband takes priority. Imam Ahmad (may Allaah have mercy on him) said concerning a woman who has a husband and a sick mother:

Obeying her husband is more obligatory upon her than (taking care of) her mother, unless he gives her permission.

(Sharh Muntaha al-Iraadaat, 3/47).

In al-Insaaf (8/362) it says: She does not have to obey her parents with regard to leaving her husband or visiting etc., rather obedience to the husband takes priority.

There is a hadeeth concerning this issue which was narrated by al-Haakim from ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) who said: I asked the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him),

“Who has the most right over a woman?”

He said: “Her husband.”

I said, “Who has the most right over a man?”

He said, “His mother.”

But this is a weak (da’eef) hadeeth, which was classed as such by al-Albaani in Da’eef al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb, 1212, and he criticized al-Mundhiri for classing it as hasan.

And Allaah knows best.

Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com)

Rights of women against their inlaws from here:

Question:

What are the rights of the in-laws (the husband’s brothers and sisters) in Islam? Do the father- and mother-in-law have the right of obedience? Do they have the right to enter my room with or without permission? To what extent should I obey them with regard to my clothing, cooking, childcare, keeping house and going out of the house? Do they have the right to interfere in our marital life? Do they have any rights with regard to our work, where we live, education and the like? Do I have to ask their permission to visit my family? Do they have the right to know all the details about our life? Do I have to obey them and shake hands with my husband’s relatives? Do my husband and I have to attend weddings in which there are haraam things?.

Answer:

Praise be to Allaah.

The wife does not have to obey anyone among her in-laws, whether that is her husband’s father, mother, brothers or sisters, in any matter, major or minor, unless they tell her to do something which is obligatory according to Islam, or forbid her to do something that is haraam. In such matters she has to obey, whether that comes from a relative or a stranger, an in-law or anyone else.

With regard to the husband, she must obey him in matters that are right and proper, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means…”

[al-Nisa’ 4:34]

Ibn Katheer (may Allaah have mercy on him) said, discussing some of the husband’s rights over his wife:

Allaah has given the husband rights and commanded the wife to obey him; He has forbidden her to disobey him because of the fact that he excels her and maintains her. Tafseer Ibn Katheer, 1/493

It is not permissible for any of your in-laws to enter your room without your permission, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“O you who believe! Enter not houses other than your own, until you have asked permission and greeted those in them; that is better for you, in order that you may remember”

[al-Noor 24:27]

If any of them enters your room with your permission but he is not one of your mahrams – such as your husband’s brother – then there has to be one of your mahrams present, so that there will be no haraam khulwah between you (i.e., being alone together). You must also observe full shar’i hijab, and be certain that there is no risk of falling into fitnah (temptation).

Despite all these conditions, it is still better for him not to enter upon you in your room; this is purer for the heart and farthest removed from suspicion. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And when you ask (his wives) for anything you want, ask them from behind a screen, that is purer for your hearts and for their hearts”

[al-Ahzaab 33:53]

And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Beware of entering upon women.” A man from among the Ansaar said, “What about the in-law, O Messenger of Allaah?” He said, “The in-law is death.”

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5232; Muslim, 2172.

Al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

With regard to the Prophet’s words “The in-law is death,” what this means is that there is more fear with regard to him than anyone else, and evil is to be expected of him, and the fitnah (temptation) is greater because he is able to reach the woman and be alone with her without anyone denouncing that, unlike the case of one who is a stranger. What is meant by “in-law” (hamu) here is the relatives of the husband apart from his father/grandfather and sons/grandsons. Fathers/grandfathers and sons/grandsons are mahrams for his wife and it is permissible for them to be alone with her. The word “death” here does not refer to them. Rather what is meant is the brother, brother’s son, paternal uncle, cousin, etc, who are not mahrams. People are usually careless about this matter and a man may let his wife be alone with his brother. This is what is referred to by “death” and should be prevented more than her being alone with a stranger for the reasons mentioned above.

They do not have the right to force you to do any of the things you mention, such as how to cook, how to dress or other things such as working and teaching etc, unless that is by way of advice and kind treatment, not by way of compulsion.

It is not permissible for them to interfere in your and your husband’s private affairs, but if they convince your husband not to go out on trips and he tells you to stay in the house, then obey your husband, and be patient and seek reward.

You do not have to ask permission from any of them to visit your family; that is not their right. You have to ask your husband’s permission, and if he gives you permission then you do not have to ask permission from any of them.

They do not have the right to know the details of your life (you and your husband), and it is not permissible for your husband to tell them of any private or intimate matters between the two of you.

Your husband has to honour his parents, and you should help him in that. You should not be the cause of a split between him and them. You will see the consequences of that in your children in sha Allah.

Your husband’s visits to his parents should be on the basis of need. Something may happen to his parents which requires their son to visit them a great deal, such as sickness and the like. You husband has to pay attention to that.

With regard to your serving them and doing housework, you are not obliged to do that, but if you do it as an act of kindness towards them, or to please your husband, that will be good and you will have the reward for that in sha Allaah. This is something that will raise your status in the eyes of your husband and his family in this world, and will raise you in status in the Hereafter too, in sha Allah.

With regard to your living separately, your husband has to ensure that you have a place where you can live separately, but there is nothing wrong with his parents living in the same place with you if the house is big enough, and if that will not cause you any harm.

With regard to your life being under scrutiny, his parents have no right to dominate your life. Try to communicate in a proper manner with your husband and reach an understanding. If he can resolve the matter, all well and good, otherwise there is nothing wrong with you speaking to his family in a wise and mature manner. If they do not respond and the situation continues as it is, then be patient and seek reward from Allaah.

With regard to your shaking hands with men who are not your mahrams, this is haraam. There is no obedience to any created being if it involves disobedience towards the Creator. For more information on the ruling on shaking hands with a non-mahram, see question no. 21183.

It is not permissible for your husband to go to wedding parties in which there is noise and sin. For more information see question no. 10957.

Finally…

Our advice to husbands is that they should honour their parents with regard to that which is right and proper, but they should not obey them if they transgress the limits set by Allaah, or help them in wrongdoing, which includes mistreating their sons’ wives. They should discuss with them in a way that is better and not prevent them from obeying Allaah. They should be strong in adhering to the truth and confront those who stand in the way of their implementing the laws of Allaah in their homes, because the Muslim does not acknowledge any authority over him except the Qur’aan and Sunnah. They should also beware of those who call them to commit sin.

If the husband thinks that the interests of sharee’ah dictate that he should keep his wife and his family apart, then there is nothing wrong with him doing that.

We should be tolerant and be patient with one another, and we should not forget to be kind to one another. We should speak to one another in kindness and be patient, and ward off evil with that which is better. We should speak well to the slaves of Allaah until we meet Allaah.

Allaah is the One Whom we ask to set all our affairs straight. May Allaah send blessings upon our Prophet Muhammad.

[Nasturtium 500]

Still, you are supposed to be first. If he doesn't put you first then he is violating his religion and his culture.

in islam wife shouldnot effect on the husband relation and if we will classify it so well parent will come first and thats the islam not wife first then parent . and if he isnot good to his parent who raised him and made him man so dont expect him to be good to his wife

There is no reason that you cannot honor your parents and maintain your wife. You are telling me that a wife and children have NO RIGHT to maintanence. FOrsaking your wife is negligence and HARAAM.

Question:

What is your ruling in regard to the father, which has been neglecting to the family? He does not support the family for living and he receives money from welfare for his living. He saves almost all the money from welfare that he receives. My mother money is spending on a daily basis such as food. She makes very little money from baby-sitting.

Am I committed a major sin, if my father does not talk to me and mad at me about the money. Is it also committed sin if my mother and I talk behind my father?

My father is following the JAMAH TABLIGH; he likes to do Dawah and worshiping but has no responsibility in the family. Is it true during the prophet lifetime that Sahaba went out to Dawah and left the family behind for ALLAH to take care?

I'm very sorry if my question is being offensive to individual or JAMAH TABLIGH.

Answer:

Praise be to Allaah.

No doubt the cause of this problem and others is ignorance of many of the rulings of Islam, and a lack of understanding of a man’s responsibilities towards those whom he is supporting, and the duties towards his family that Allaah has enjoined upon him.

One of the greatest rights enjoined by wives in children is that the head of the family should spend on them; indeed, this is one of the greatest acts of worship and devotion to Allaah that a person can do. Spending on them covers their food, drink, clothing and shelter, and everything that a wife and children need to ensure their good health and physical well being.

Allaah has told us that men are the ones who spend on women, and so they have the status of being qawwaamoon (maintainers and protectors) and of excelling over them, because they spend on them when they give them the mahr (dowry) and maintenance. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means…”[al-Nisa’ 4:34]

The fact that this spending is obligatory is indicated by the Qur’an, the Sunnah and the consensus of the scholars and of all wise people.

The evidence of the Qur’aan includes the aayat (interpretation of the meanings):

“Let the rich man spend according to his means, and the man whose resources are restricted, let him spend according to what Allaah has given him. Allaah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him. Allaah will grant after hardship, ease.”[al-Talaaq 65:7]

“… but the father of the child shall bear the cost of the mother’s food and clothing on a reasonable basis. No person shall have a burden laid on him greater than he can bear…”[al-Baqarah 2:233]

“… and if they are pregnant, spend on them until they deliver…”

[al-Talaaq 65:6]

With regard to the evidence in the Sunnah, many ahaadeeth were narrated which show that it is obligatory for the husband to spend on his wife and children, and those who are under his guardianship. Jaabir ibn ‘Abd-Allaah (may Allaah be pleased with them both) reported that the Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said in his sermon during his Farewell Pilgrimage:

“Fear Allaah with regard to women, for they are your prisoners. You have taken them as a trust from Allaah, and they are permissible for you through the word of Allaah, and they have the right to be given provision and clothing by you on a reasonable basis.” (Reported by Muslim, 8/183).

‘Umar ibn al-Ahwas (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that he heard the Messenger of Allaah SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say during his Farewell Pilgrimage:

“Verily, you have rights over your women, and your women have rights over you. As for your rights over your women, they are that they should not allow anyone to sit on your beds whom you dislike, or allow anyone into your houses whom you dislike. Verily, their rights over you are that you should treat them well with regard to their clothing and food.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 1163, and Ibn Maajah, 1851).

Mu’aawiyah ibn Haydah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said:

“I said, ‘O Messenger of Allaah, what are the rights of the wife of any one of us over us?’ He said, ‘That you feed her when you feed yourself and clothe her when you clothe yourself, that you do not say to her, “May Allaah make your face ugly!”, and that you do not hit her.’” (Reported by Abu Dawood, 2/244; Ibn Maajah, 1850; Ahmad, 4/446).

Imaam al-Baghawi said: “Al-Khattaabi said: this is a command to spend on women and clothe them, according to the capabilities of the husband. As the Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) made this a right of women, it is necessary whether the husband is present or absent. If the husband is not able to do it, it become a debt which he owes, as with all other duties, whether or not the qaadi (judge) issues a decree to that effect.”

It was reported that Wahb said:

“A freed slave of ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Amr said to him, ‘I want to go and spend this month there in Jerusalem.’ He said, ‘Have you left enough for your family to live on during this month?’ He said, ‘No.’ He said, ‘Then go back to your family and leave them what they need, for I heard the Messenger of Allaah SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) saying: “It is enough sin for a man not to give food to the one whom he is supposed to feed.”’” (Reported by Ahmad, 2/160; Abu Dawood, 1692).

The original report in is Muslim, where the wording is, “It is enough sin for a man to withhold food from the one whom he is supposed to feed.”

Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allaah will ask everyone who has been given responsibility about whatever he was responsible for, until He asks a man about his family.” (Reported by Ibn Hibaan).

Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said:

“I heard the Messenger of Allaah SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) saying, ‘By Allaah, if one of you were to get up in the morning and carry firewood on his back, and sell it and meet his own needs from the money and give some away in charity, this would be better for him than coming to a man and begging from him, and either being given something or not. The upper hand (the one which gives) is better than the lower hand (the one that takes), and start with those for whom you are responsible.” (Reported by Muslim, 3/96). According to a report narrated by Ahmad (2/524), it was said: “For whom am I responsible, O Messenger of Allaah?” He said, “Your wife is one of those for whom you are responsible.”

According to a hadeeth narrated by Jaabir ibn Samurah (may Allaah be pleased with him), the Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If Allaah gives something good to any one of you, let him start with himself and his family.” (Reported by Muslim, 1454).

With regard to the consensus of the scholars:

Imaam Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in al-Mughni (7/564):

“The scholars are agreed that it is the duty of husbands to spend on their wives if they (the husbands) have reached the age of puberty, except in the case of a wife who is rebellious. This was mentioned by Ibn al-Mundhir and others.”

The above references to the texts of Islam indicate that it is obligatory for a man to spend on his family and to take care of their interests. Many hadeeth narrated from the Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) demonstrate the virtue of this action and show that it is a righteous action in the sight of Allaah. Abu Mas’ood al-Ansaari (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When the Muslim spends on his family with the hope of earning reward, this is an act of charity for him.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 1/136).

Al-Haafiz ibn Hajar (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in al-Fath (9/498): “Spending on one's family is obligatory according to scholarly consensus. Islam called it sadaqah (charity) lest people think that they are doing it as a duty for which there is no reward, because they knew how much reward there is in giving charity, so that they will not give charity to others until they have given enough to their families. This was to encourage them to give priority to the charity that is obligatory before they give voluntary charity.”

Sa’d ibn Maalik (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to him: “Whatever you spend on your family, you will be rewarded for it, even the mouthful which you lift up and place in your wife’s mouth.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 3/164, and Muslim, 1628).

Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “A dinar that you spend in the way of Allaah, a dinar that you spend to free a slave, a dinar that you give to the poor, and a dinar that you spend on your family – the greatest of these is the one that you spend on your family. “ (reported by Muslim, 2/692).

Ka’b ibn ‘Ujarah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “A man passed by the Prophet SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and his Companions were impressed by the man's strength and energy. They said, ‘O Messenger of Allaah, if only this was for the sake of Allaah!’ The Messenger of Allaah SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘If he goes out to work for the sake of his young children, he is striving for the sake of Allaah; if he goes out to work for the sake of his aged parents, he is striving for the sake of Allaah; if he goes out to work to keep himself from having to beg, he is striving for the sake of Allaah; but if he goes out to work for the purposes of showing off and boasting, then he is striving in the way of the Shaytaan.” (Reported by al-Tabaraani, Saheeh al-Jaami’, 2/8).

The salaf, may Allaah have mercy on them, understood this duty properly. It was their guideline in their day-to-day life with their families. No one put it better than Imaam al-Rabaani ‘Abd-Allaah ibn al-Mubaarak (may Allaah have mercy on him), who said: “There is nothing better than earning one's own living, not even jihaad for the sake of Allaah.” (al-Siyar, 8/399)

It is not permissible for a Muslim to neglect his family even if he claims that he is travelling for the purpose of worship and righteous deeds, because neglecting one’s family and failing to spend on them is haraam. We have quoted above the advice given by ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Amr to the one who wanted to stay in Jerusalem: he had to make arrangements for his family’s provision first. So you have to advise your father of the things we have said in this reply, and explain the matter to him politely and kindly. If you can fill the gap left by your father’s negligence by spending some of your own money on your family as much as you can, you will get a great reward, in sha Allaah. We ask Allaah to put all our affairs right. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad.

Question:

Does a daughters wealth belong to her parents like a son's wealth belongs to his parents and should she spend on them in the same way?

Many people believe that once a daughter is married, she should not spend on her parents if her brothers are able to do this instead. Do husbands have rights over their wife's wealth, not to spend themselves but rather over where the wife should spend it and if they think it should not be on her parents then she should obey this request.

If noth parents are needy, and the wife has no wealth of her own, should the husband spend on both as the wife's parents are allowed to recieve zakaah from their daughter but the husband's parents are not as it is his duty to spend on them?

Answer:

Praise be to Allaah.

Children (awlaad) is a general term which includes both males and females. The father has the right to dispose of his children’s wealth because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “You and your wealth belong to your father.” So if the father wants to take something from their wealth, he has the right to do that, so long as it will not cause them any harm; it is not permissible for him to take wealth from one of them and give it to another.

If the parents are poor and the daughter has wealth surplus to her needs, then she has to spend on her parents in accordance with their needs, without failing to meet her own needs. The woman’s maintenance is obligatory upon her husband: he must spend on that which is essential for her maintenance. If the woman is working then her money is hers and hers alone, unless the husband stipulates the condition that he should get the money or some of it in return for her going out of the house and his missing out on some of his rights. But if she has enough money she can keep it for her own needs or for her children’s or parents’ needs. If she has brothers or sisters, and one of them takes care of spending on the parents, then the others are relieved of the obligation, and he will have the reward; or they can all agree that each of them will give a specific amount.

The woman’s husband is not obliged to spend on her parents, unless it is the zakaah of his wealth. She, on the other hand, should not spend her zakaah money on them because that is an obligation upon her; rather she should give them money other than her zakaah.

[Nasturtium 500]

in islam wife shouldnot effect on the husband relation and if we will classify it so well parent will come first and thats the islam not wife first then parent . and if he isnot good to his parent who raised him and made him man so dont expect him to be good to his wife

I suggest you take out your anger then on the scholars and the hadeeth and Qu'ran evidence. I was only going off of those. If you disagree I suggest you post the evidence of hadeeth and Qu'ran which says a man or woman's siblings and parents, cousins, etc. come before his wife and children. and that he is not responsible for their maintenance. I will be happy to look at your evidence.

ETA: honoring your parents and maintaining your relationship with your family/family ties doesn't mean doing whatever they want, by the way.

Edited April 3, 2008 by julianna

[doodlebugg 10]

Juliana all that is well and good but posting from an online q and a forum questions and answers that don't tell the whole story isn't going to prove anything. First of all most of what you posted pertains to the woman obeying the husband above all else. What we're ( or at least I) am talking about is the duty that my husband has to his sisters to protect them. I don't have a hadith handy and even if I did some could say that it's not strong or what is the source or I don't follow that madhab.

Quite frankly I agree that he is in charge of his sisters. They are in their mid twenties brought up in a region where women stay with their families until they get married. They are both single and as such it will be VERY difficult for them living alone in Cairo where they live. They do need a protector given their situation and this is where much of the guilt comes from but inshallah their cousin will be true to his word and we will have no problems.

in islam wife shouldnot effect on the husband relation and if we will classify it so well parent will come first and thats the islam not wife first then parent . and if he isnot good to his parent who raised him and made him man so dont expect him to be good to his wife

I suggest you take out your anger then on the scholars and the hadeeth and Qu'ran evidence. I was only going off of those. If you disagree I suggest you post the evidence of hadeeth and Qu'ran which says a man or woman's siblings and parents, cousins, etc. come before his wife and children. and that he is not responsible for their maintenance. I will be happy to look at your evidence.

ETA: honoring your parents and maintaining your relationship with your family/family ties doesn't mean doing whatever they want, by the way.

wow juliana you seriously need to chill!!! I don't think mohamed came off as angry at all!

[Nasturtium 500]

Juliana all that is well and good but posting from an online q and a forum questions and answers that don't tell the whole story isn't going to prove anything. First of all most of what you posted pertains to the woman obeying the husband above all else. What we're ( or at least I) am talking about is the duty that my husband has to his sisters to protect them. I don't have a hadith handy and even if I did some could say that it's not strong or what is the source or I don't follow that madhab.

Quite frankly I agree that he is in charge of his sisters. They are in their mid twenties brought up in a region where women stay with their families until they get married. They are both single and as such it will be VERY difficult for them living alone in Cairo where they live. They do need a protector given their situation and this is where much of the guilt comes from but inshallah their cousin will be true to his word and we will have no problems.

I never disagreed with you that your husband does have responsibility to his sisters. Maybe I'm just feeling B*tchy today. i'll get out of your post. I wasn't trying to say he doesn't need to feel something fpor them or do something for them.. but that you shouldn't feel guilty over him coming here with you. You are also now under his care according to your religion and you have a right of maintenance. That is what I was saying. what I got from his post was that he was denying you have a right of maintenance.

ETA-- I read him as very angry, so maybe I misunderstood him.

Edited April 3, 2008 by julianna

[allousa 1]

OH MAN, did I feel guilty! I was actually with my husband when he left for the States. My mother hugged my MIL and she started crying. Then she and I hugged and she really started crying. Keep in mind that this was my 5th trip to Morocco and they had been over once before in the States. Then she hugged and kissed our son and started wailing! When she got to my husband, she actually fell to the floor. I RAN and got in the car. I could hear her crying in the house. While there are still 2 brothers that live there, my husband was the closest to his mom. I felt so bad, I could hardly breathe.

But I tell you, now that we are home, I don't feel bad about it because I see how in place of that, he is building a relationship with our son. We are planning for his parents to visit soon and he's looking forward to that. When he gets here and you too start building a life together, I seriously doubt that this will cross your mind.

[sereia 0]

I felt bad because I knew how close my husband is to his mom (only son, youngest child, small family) but hey! Time heals wounds... try not to stress over it and enjoy the fact that he's coming!! better get cleaning and planning fun things to do, girlie!