The Guilt

[doodlebugg 10]

How did you all handle the guilt of knowing you were the cause of the sorrow in the last week or so before your husband/wife left their family? They're all crying over there and I'm beside myself with guilt.

[~Jackie~ 30]

I will share my experience with that. I thought of the long, sleepless, tear filled nights of my own waiting for the visa to arrive. They will survive.

Jackie

[SaadBell 0]

Oh Bridget, I guess his sisters are devasted about their brother leaving. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW, I understand and it is sooooooooo sweet. Tell them he has to come in order for them to see their new nephew/niece, on a return trip and that trip will be a wonderful one.

[ya falaha! 0]

My husband never told me about any crying and carrying on that happened prior to his coming here. When he arrived he told me that his family and neighbors were sad to see him go but didn't go into details. What would it help besides me feeling bad, yanno?

[*JG* 2]

They'll get over it. And, in my experience, it is nothing like the frustrations and guilt they will make him feel in the near future.

[doodlebugg 10]

he didn't offer it up. I called this morning to whine about how I hate going into work early on Thursdays and he was sniffling. He has had a "cold" for the past month and all of a sudden it dawned on me so I tweaked it out of him and then the waterworks came along with the confession that he's been crying at every single salat for the past few weeks when he makes dua for his sisters to be protected. He opened up to me because he doesn't want his sisters to know that he's crying. I asked how they're doing and he said they don't look sad around him but their eyes are all poofy and red all the time.

I told him to get a calendar and put a tentative date for next summer to go back and that way they can all count down the months and it will give them something to look forward to.

[Nasturtium 500]

Hmmm. I didn't feel guilty. I didn't live with him for 2 years and they had him his whole life We're moving back so they can all have him back then! I guess I'm just forward-looking. His family didn't feel guilty about me not seeing him So anyway, I guess try to look at it as levels of importance. In Islam a man is supposed to have first responsibility to his wife and children, and second to his family. They are not supposed to hinder your relationship. he is only a flight or a phone call away from them. I guess if you felt really guilty you could look at moving back over there with him? Or would things be complicated because of your children? I hope you feel better soon. Just wait-- they'll cry on all the phone calls too But that's just sort of something either they will have to get used to, or you will have to get over. the difficulty, IMO, is him and how he deals with it and how you deal with him dealing with it You should probably try to be as supportive as possible and encourage him... and just be there for him when he is feeling blue!

[ya falaha! 0]

Maybe my inlaws don't miss my husband that much because they NEVER cry on the phone, lol.

[lazylivn 0]

I know how your feeling with the guilt. His mom is 73 and this is her first child to leave so far from home. She's been crying all week. Just about every member of his family has gotten on the phone to tell me...Sehrab from my heart..which is there way of saying please take care of him.

He didn't leave himself much time to linger with them at the airport and I think that made it easier on him to leave. Not as much building up about him leaving while they are sitting waiting. Still his mom is having the toughest time...he's the baby of the family and the one she always relies on to help her. I've worked it out where he is just a phone call away from them and vise versa, I'm hoping that eases things and makes her feel better. I expect them to be on the phone all the time...at least for awhile.

[♥Sora_9_Dam3a♥ 0]

thanks for referring me, bridget! lol

i'm going through this right now!!!!!!!! i feel so bad! makes me wanna pick up and go to him--but it'll be the same exact thing...lol...his sisters and mother are devastated and i'm sure they've been crying for a while...his mother was depressed since the interview, cuz she knew the day was coming closer...

i don't know what to do...and when i hear them crying, i cry and then, i only make things worse they're always like "please take care of him...etc" i wish he wasn't the youngest or the only son!! lol...it would be easier, i think..

i just pray that Allah makes this easy on everyone..

I know how your feeling with the guilt. His mom is 73 and this is her first child to leave so far from home. She's been crying all week. Just about every member of his family has gotten on the phone to tell me...Sehrab from my heart..which is there way of saying please take care of him.

He didn't leave himself much time to linger with them at the airport and I think that made it easier on him to leave. Not as much building up about him leaving while they are sitting waiting. Still his mom is having the toughest time...he's the baby of the family and the one she always relies on to help her. I've worked it out where he is just a phone call away from them and vise versa, I'm hoping that eases things and makes her feel better. I expect them to be on the phone all the time...at least for awhile.

we're in the same boat!

[Nasturtium 500]

Maybe my inlaws don't miss my husband that much because they NEVER cry on the phone, lol.

LOL! Or they can control themselves better. For me it's a whole weird thing and I think it's bad for him too... it just makes for bad feelings and guilt, you know? It also makes for him not wanting to call because of the way they act.

[doodlebugg 10]

Hmmm. I didn't feel guilty. I didn't live with him for 2 years and they had him his whole life We're moving back so they can all have him back then! I guess I'm just forward-looking. His family didn't feel guilty about me not seeing him So anyway, I guess try to look at it as levels of importance. In Islam a man is supposed to have first responsibility to his wife and children, and second to his family. They are not supposed to hinder your relationship. he is only a flight or a phone call away from them. I guess if you felt really guilty you could look at moving back over there with him? Or would things be complicated because of your children? I hope you feel better soon. Just wait-- they'll cry on all the phone calls too But that's just sort of something either they will have to get used to, or you will have to get over. the difficulty, IMO, is him and how he deals with it and how you deal with him dealing with it You should probably try to be as supportive as possible and encourage him... and just be there for him when he is feeling blue!

We are moving there when my kids are done with college so a ways away for us. In Islam yes he is responsible to me but in my husband's case he is also responsible for his family because he is the only son, the oldest sibling and their parents and all aunts/uncles are dead except one aunt. He is the wali for his sisters in all respects. He has asked his cousin, the one who stood as a witness at our marriage, to look after them but still it is not the same. His oldest sister is a very strong woman but still it's hard.

[Imua 0]

*sigh* I know I am going to be going through the same thing, Govi is the only son and the first of his family to emigrate. He always helps his family and I know it will be so hard for them. Luckily they just got a computer(no web access yet though) so hopefully by the time he comes they can chat and cam every day and yes we are definitely going back to Nepal so we can count down the months even if it begins with 24 and it seems like such a long time....

thanks for referring me, bridget! lol

i'm going through this right now!!!!!!!! i feel so bad! makes me wanna pick up and go to him--but it'll be the same exact thing...lol...his sisters and mother are devastated and i'm sure they've been crying for a while...his mother was depressed since the interview, cuz she knew the day was coming closer...

i don't know what to do...and when i hear them crying, i cry and then, i only make things worse they're always like "please take care of him...etc" i wish he wasn't the youngest or the only son!! lol...it would be easier, i think..

i just pray that Allah makes this easy on everyone..

I know how your feeling with the guilt. His mom is 73 and this is her first child to leave so far from home. She's been crying all week. Just about every member of his family has gotten on the phone to tell me...Sehrab from my heart..which is there way of saying please take care of him.

He didn't leave himself much time to linger with them at the airport and I think that made it easier on him to leave. Not as much building up about him leaving while they are sitting waiting. Still his mom is having the toughest time...he's the baby of the family and the one she always relies on to help her. I've worked it out where he is just a phone call away from them and vise versa, I'm hoping that eases things and makes her feel better. I expect them to be on the phone all the time...at least for awhile.

we're in the same boat!

[morocco4ever 63]

My husbands mother asked him to just stay through Eid. I, acting like a child, threw a temper tantrum. I told him that I had waited 3 years since I met him and 2 years since our marriage. I had a total of less than 2 months with him. I want him....NOW. Well, after a few days I remember what being a mom means and apologized. I told him to stay and be with his mom for Eid. He gave it some serious thought and decided to come any way. His mom was sad yes, but as my husband explained. She knew that not only did he need to start his own life, but he would have a better life here with me than he would ever have with any other woman there. She is a mother, she wants the best for her son.

I hope that your husbands family will feel the same.

[Jenn! 918]

When Wadi returned to Morocco to wait for the visa, it had been over 6 years since he had seen his family and he got to spend a good 5 months catching up. When he actually got the visa, we thought that he would be able to go back yearly no problem, so I didn't feel guilty, considering the situation was going to be *better* for his family in terms of frequency of visits than before.

2+ years later and he hasn't been back yet, so I feel a little guilty. But having a family that is accustomed to going long periods of time without seeing him does alleviate that.