scared but hoping

[morocco4ever 63]

I have mentioned it before, but I know a lot of Iraqi refugees here. They have not been home for years, and longed to go home. It wasn't safe for them, so to them it was a dream. The funny thing is that after the capture of Saddam they felt safter to go home, so many of them left everything behind here to head back home to start their life in the home country. Every single one of them came back after a few months. They found that they had dreams, but it was just that, a dream. Their reality is here in the US.

I work for a company that hires several people from India and China. Time and time again I hear them say the same thing, America is now their home.

This is a hard transition, and he is being realistic. What he is feeling is normal anxiety, and who can blame him? The fact is that you are married now, and you are expecting a child. There is no turning back on this, so the reality is that he needs to come and do the best he can. It won't be easy, and he will have days that he longs for home. The best thing you can do is to just simply say you understand. Don't try and fix it, you can't. He needs to work through it. Chances are strong that he will do fine, but there is always that chance he may not. As I stated, you can't back out now, so might I suggest you just put these worries on the back burner. The "what if" might not even happen, and it is taking a toll on you and your baby's health.

You are going to have to be his sounding board, and a quiet one at that (not an easy task for you, we all know that...lol). Be patient and loving, and you can help him to accept his new life here.

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

Today my husband apologised to me TODAAAAAAY but last night I was in tears all the night.He expressed alot of fear of leaving Algeria.He told me if he doesnt like it here he will go back home.I am having the OPPOSITE of used me for a greencard.I have a husband who ADORES his city,his friends...he has heard nothing but horror stories from other Algerians about 15 hour days in pizza parlors,crime,New York City and how we have no health insurance.He is perfectly fine with me moving to Algeria and us living there. I cannot stand it there after Decembers visit and the grinding poverty and social problems plus I have almost died here from asthma and we have top medical care and I had ICU drs working on me January 15th for 9 hours and they could nt get my lungs working.It would be a death sentence....I cried in my bed ,just tears came out like water...to the point I almost called him to tell him to wait until the baby was born to come because I am afraid he will hate it here and leave me pregnant...Today he said he was sorry but I really know the greencard is not compelling for him...He loves his hometown so much...I cant even desribe the level...Im just having a lot of problems with asthma today and I am pretty distraught.. He seemed today to have calmed down..He also reassured me that he loves me he s just scared...scared of leaving everyone ...he s not been out of his hometown in 9 years except with me to go to tunis and then to go to the embassy...

Im just so beside myself

These fears are TOTALLY normal -- I would worry a lot more if he DIDN'T have them. He's leaving everything familiar -- his family, his friends, his "comfort zone," everything he ever knew -- to go to a very different place and culture with a lot of unknowns. That's scary for anyone, including people from other "Western" countries (even though some don't admit to being scared.)

Wahrania -- I'm not trying to add to your load of worries, but adjustment to a new country is often so very difficult and stressful for the new immigrant. You think this separation was the hard part ? HA !!!! The hardest times are yet to come -- after he's been here a couple of months and the newness has worn off, and frustrations of dealing with a totally new environment set in, and he starts to realize that he's totally removed from his familiar support system. The homesickness is probably going to hit him very hard during this time.

So.............. you are going to have to deal with a whole lot MORE of this type of thing after he gets here. You're going to need all the patience and strength you can muster. PLUS you are going to be dealing with a new baby at the same time. This is an extremely heavy and stressful burden. Luckily, you are a woman so you have an amazing strength inside you to get you through all of this -- you may not realize it yet, but you do. Take a deep breath -- this is actually the calm before the storm.

-MK

[*Maureen* 0]

I am sure everything will be fine.

[Nutty 2]

Dear Wahrania,

I don't know what to say....it is a difficult situation you're in. I can relate. My husband also loves his country and was content to live the rest of his life there. It was me who could not adjust to Iran. So we opted to give the US a try. I know my husband will like USA for it's openess and plethora of stuff, he will miss his home and his culture.

Our idea is to give the USA a try...then if he doesn't like it, we will go somewhere else...Maybe South America or Australia...Who knows maybe even back to India...In spite of the poverty, we both love India and the people.

Maybe you should create a list of third party countries where you both can be happy.

[morocco4ever 63]

My husband had a computer when he was in Morocco, and through this we spoke everyday for hours. He planned on selling it when he left to come here but I convinced him to leave it for his family, and to teach them how to manuever in yahoo mesenger. I am so glad he did! He spends a lot of time after work and weekends talking to his family on the computer. I believe 100% that if he had sold his computer his transition here would have been much harder.

If he doesn't have a computer and the internet at home, and it is possible, it is well worth the investment.

[SaadBell 0]

Here are some things that may helped, I remember when I first lived in Germany, I cried and cried, but after two years, I loved it. It takes time, just remember, he will come to be happy with you and the children.

BE PREPARED - ...For anything and everything to go wrong. Don't assume that you'll be able to find the perfect job or house immediately. If possible make sure you've got enough money to see you through the first couple of months at the very least (preferably longer). And to do that you'll need to

BUDGET - As unglamorous as it sounds, good budgeting could be what makes the difference between a successful relocation and a disaster. Before you go, work out what everything is going to cost during those crucial first months when you're trying to find your feet in a foreign land.

DON'T DELAY - Start preparing as early as possible, just getting all the necessary paperwork in order can take a long time. Make a checklist of everything you need to do!

EMPLOYMENT - Will you be looking for work in your new country? If so, consider starting your job hunt before you go (use the Internet!) Will you be able to use your existing qualifications or will a period of retraining be necessary? If you're moving somewhere where they don't speak the same language as you then you should...

LEARN THE LANGUAGE - Few skills will have such a positive impact on your relocation experience as being able to speak, or at least understand, the local language. Getting to grips with the local lingo before you go is a great idea!

And finally, a couple of important tips for when you get to your new country...

MAKE FRIENDS - Whether locals or fellow expats, nothing will help you more than being able to rely on the assistance of your friends when you need it. Don't think that socialising is time wasted, it's what makes a new country feel like home.

DON'T BE TOO HARD ON YOURSELF - Moving to a new country is difficult. Even when everything goes according to plan it's still difficult. There will be times when you're physically and emotionally exhausted but try not to let things get on top of you. Don't be shy about asking for help or support, there are plenty of people who have been there before

[SaadBell 0]

Nutty -

My husbands brother lives in Austrillia, and I have always love that country, until I started to study the local animal life.

That cooled my jets, I just would never swim in any water hole there, I don't care if they say it is fresh water, THE HORROR OF BEING EATEN ALIVE.

Also this is not something I would like to see also.

Now that is just plain evil, and not of this world. I say we get everyone together and lets rid this world of the horror of spiders.

[Eric-Pris 1,604]

I know what you are feeling. My fiancee will be coming to NYC from Costa Rica in about 5-6 weeks. She too has expressed some concerns about the dangers of terrorism, crime, etc. I tell her to not believe everything she sees on the [over-exaggerated] news, stop talking to people who have never been here but think they know exactly was NY is like, and just wait till she comes to make up her mind. Unfortunately, many people think that it's easy street in the US and everybody has it made. But the reality is that many people (especially unskilled manual laborers) have to work long hours. Then they go back home and tell others that America sucks and they make you work 15 hour days, etc.

I can almost guarantee you this. After he comes and actually sees it, he won't be thinking of returning home. I would even worry about it.

[Nasturtium 500]

Hi Wahrania! So I'm guessing you also need a good medical system backup that's not in place? Otherwise you could take a few months of meds at a time... or see about getting a semi-local doctor (at least in the sense of the same continent) to whom you could travel and stock up on meds... but yeah I get that is way super risky-- what to do in an emergency? hmmm. I guess just wait and see-- because who knows how he'll react, and even if he gets really crazy angry at being here he may stick it out until the culture shock is more passed. I hope the best for you.

[Nutty 2]

I lived in Australia for a few years.

My deceased father lived there for 20 years and my sister lives there.

There is wildlife everywhere. Personally, I love Australia and it's nature.

[sereia 0]

You've been given a lot of good advice... so all I'm going to say is this:

Read up on culture shock and how to deal with someone who's got it. PM Amal for the information she's got and also google around for detailed information. I think it will help you recognize once it happens and be able to deal with your husband better than if you hadn't prepared. Trust me, just do it!

Its going to be tough. I'm not going to lie to you. The first few weeks will probably be wonderrrrrrrrrrful. Then BOOOM. I've heard the worst comes around six months after they've arrived. I'm not sure if that is true or not but for my husband it was actually true.

I'm very happy to see you've appled for the CR-1 because he will be able to work immediately. Make sure you help him with his resume immediately and show him where/how to find jobs. Even if he is a trained professional in a field... get him SOMETHING, SOMEWHERE right away. Trust me, it will help! Then he can continue to look for whatever field he's in but at least he'd be keeping busy in the meantime. Boredom= BAD, very very BAD!

I'll PM you some other opinions! Good luck, girl! *hug*

Edited April 2, 2008 by sereia

[honeyblonde 0]

I haven't posted here in a very long time, but in this case I think my input might be useful. My husband Abdel has been here for over 2 years now and is very much like your husband, now. Unfortunately he didn't have all the fears before he got here so was pretty much in shock when he arrived and realized just how hard life here was going to be.

He is extremely close to his family too, especially since his parents died and left his oldest sister to support her 8 siblings. She's a nurse so she's been able to do that quite decently, but he's always felt that he should take over some of the burden at some point, and that he should pay her back for supporting him so long.

He got a job here within a week of getting his green card, but it was extremely hard physical labor in a sugar refinery, working for a contractor, so he didn't even have minimum benefits like paid holidays. He refused to look for another job because the pay was good and he could get overtime. He slaved away there for almost two years so he could help me with the bills and send a little money home each month, until the refinery exploded in February. He wasn't working over that night so wasn't hurt physically, but he knew everyone who was and those who were killed. In fact, the last guy they found, 8 days after the explosion, was his boss. My husband got very depressed after that event, not just from seeing so many friends dead or hurt, but also from knowing that he could have been there, and also knowing he now has to go look for another job and start from the beginning.

During the time Abdel has been here he has gotten really homesick and depressed as a result of it twice. The first time I insisted we take the time to plan a trip home for him, with all the presents and pocket full of cash everyone was expecting there (apparently nobody in his city is being told the reality of life here yet). Including the time off work, plane ticket, presents and pocket money, the trip cost us over $4,000. However, it worked magic. He came back feeling great and ready to go back to his awful job. The second time of course was in February, after the explosion. This time we didn't have money for a big trip, and emotionally he couldn't wait anyway. He got on the plane with less than $100 in his pocket and his ATM card in case of emergency and went home for emotional support. While he was very disappointed in the trip, I feel like it was probably the best thing he could have done. His family finally got to see reality here, and he wasn't able to put on a show for them. He also got to see that they weren't really as there for him anymore as he thought they would be.

When he first got to Morocco this time however, he didn't want to come back. He was upset and scared and felt totally useless. After thinking for a couple of days he finally agreed to come back here, only if I would agree to move there in about a year. When we were talking later about all the things he was thinking about, he told me he was thinking about 3 things: what he could do, what he couldn't do, and what he needed to do. When I asked him what he couldn't do, he said he knew he couldn't leave me. That was probably one of the most wonderful things he could have ever said to me.

Since he got back I've convinced him to at least stay in the US long enough to get his citizenship so he will have the freedom to travel once we leave here. He's getting a lot of help looking for work through the local unemployment office, and the checks from them help make up for him not working. He's also getting the time to look for a decent job this time, instead of taking the first ####### job he can find.

You are lucky your husband knows up front that life will be hard. This will save you having to deal with a lot of disappointment if he had thought it was going to be all perfect here. Based on my experience I would recommend saving whatever you can each month toward his first trip home and being prepared for the homesickness to just hit out of the blue at any time. I also recommend letting him make that first trip home alone. That was a hard one for me, but it gives the man a chance to realize how much a part of his life you now are.

Something that many of us don't realize that our spouses are expecting is to be able to go home anytime they want. They don't realize how expensive that will be and how long it can take to save up that much money. Many of these guys also don't think about lost wages for the time off work while they are gone. If we're aware that they have this unrealistic expectation we can work with them to set definite times when they can go home and then save toward them. Even that is hard for me though because when Abdel gets homesick he is impossible to reason with. His answer to everything becomes "I just want to see my family." Again, you are lucky because you can already see that this is going to be an issue for the two of you to address up front.

You've gotten a lot of good feedback from many people here but if you want to talk to me more you can PM me. I don't come here often but I do get notices of PMs in my e-mail.

Liz

[allousa 1]

Also this is not something I would like to see also.

Now that is just plain evil, and not of this world. I say we get everyone together and lets rid this world of the horror of spiders.

OMG!!!!! Whatever the phobia is for spiders..... I HAVE IT BAD!!!!!!!

I would go with you to rid the world of them....but I'm too scared!

[doodlebugg 10]

I think we're lucky in the sense that his best friend in the whole world moved to Canada a few years ago so he has been in touch with him nonstop and knows already what to expect, albeit a few changes here and there due to US v. Canada stuff. He knows it won't be easy at first and he knows the differences.

The friendship thing is what I think he'll miss the most though. My husband is a city dude and you cannot walk down any street without beings stopped at least once by someone who is happy to bump into him. Makes for long outings!! lol.

What I plan to do on day 3 I guess is take him to a couple of nearby mosques via public transportation and give him a Charlie card (that's a subway/bus pass for us Bostonians). That way if while I'm at work he gets bored he can go there and hang with his peeps, if he makes friends with anyone there. We'll also go to a few of the arabic stores around here so that he can get to know some people over there. Basically as soon as possible I want him to meet people that have some things in common with him so that he won't feel so isolated. Having tons of friends is a part of who he is so that shouldn't stop when he gets here. There's a gas station one block from my house where I'm always seeing at least 5 or 6 guys sitting outside on those white plastic chairs so maybe he'll hook up with them, though when I told him that they are Palestinian and Iraqi he was quick to say that they won't like him because he's Egyptian. Who knows, at least there are plenty of other alternatives though.

Good luck and look into mosques in your area to take him to.

[SaadBell 0]

I hate bugs period, but mostly the ones that are ugly. How evil am I? Spiders, cockroaches, just wrong. I too am scared, I will run, can't even think of trying to kill filth like that. I can't step on them, and too scared to spray poison on them because they will run and just the sight of that will make me ill. Oh the hell of this world.