scared but hoping

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Today my husband apologised to me TODAAAAAAY but last night I was in tears all the night.He expressed alot of fear of leaving Algeria.He told me if he doesnt like it here he will go back home.I am having the OPPOSITE of used me for a greencard.I have a husband who ADORES his city,his friends...he has heard nothing but horror stories from other Algerians about 15 hour days in pizza parlors,crime,New York City and how we have no health insurance.He is perfectly fine with me moving to Algeria and us living there. I cannot stand it there after Decembers visit and the grinding poverty and social problems plus I have almost died here from asthma and we have top medical care and I had ICU drs working on me January 15th for 9 hours and they could nt get my lungs working.It would be a death sentence....I cried in my bed ,just tears came out like water...to the point I almost called him to tell him to wait until the baby was born to come because I am afraid he will hate it here and leave me pregnant...Today he said he was sorry but I really know the greencard is not compelling for him...He loves his hometown so much...I cant even desribe the level...Im just having a lot of problems with asthma today and I am pretty distraught.. He seemed today to have calmed down..He also reassured me that he loves me he s just scared...scared of leaving everyone ...he s not been out of his hometown in 9 years except with me to go to tunis and then to go to the embassy...

Im just so beside myself

[~Jackie~ 30]

Try to be calm for the baby and for your health. The anxiety he is feeling is normal. Keep communication open and be honest with each other.

Coming to America is not for everyone, as we have seen by the reports here of men going back to their countries.

I hope when you two are together things will be clearer. Tell him NYC is nothing like Floriduh. Unfortunately the 12-15 hour days of work are common the first few years.

Take care of you today wahrania. I worry about your health.

Jackie

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Try to be calm for the baby and for your health. The anxiety he is feeling is normal. Keep communication open and be honest with each other.

Coming to America is not for everyone, as we have seen by the reports here of men going back to their countries.

I hope when you two are together things will be clearer. Tell him NYC is nothing like Floriduh. Unfortunately the 12-15 hour days of work are common the first few years.

Take care of you today wahrania. I worry about your health.

Jackie

Have there been alot of men here that were petitioned and wanted to live back home and told their american wife move to the home country cause they didnt like it..I CANT...They dont have the medicines to regulate my asthma and there are so many things why I cant move there..before december yes...but too many things hhappened to me since then with my asthma

[~Jackie~ 30]

Uh...........no. Most go back alone.

But each marriage is different and you cannot judge yours by other. The culture shock of America is more than some can handle. Amal has MAJOR reasearch on this issue, when she is off work tonight, have her send some information to you.

Stay strong and this will pass. Today, concentrate on your health. Don't worry about something you cannot change today.

[amerasianlove 0]

Just give him time to adjust with everything, USA is way too different from his country.

Try to understand him more,leaving his loved one and friends is a difficult decision to make.

God bless you more!

[sara..... 371]

Im sorry that ur feeling so upset........i kind of know what ur going thru well im not expecting of course but perviz sometimes goes thru that period of not wanting to come to the USA because he has a good job in india......and he is afraid he will not be able to work as a Dr. here in the usa and if he can how well will he get paid..........alot of what ur guy is going thru is because of fear of the unknown........it will pass i think after he is here.........sure they miss their family and friends and it takes time to adjust but he has u here.........it will all work out i think.........and i know that asthma is a very difficult thing and when ur with child it can and does make more frequent problems for the person that suffers from it........raging hormones and all that..........i hope u feel better and at least u know ur guy does not want just a green card from u i have seen a lot of people worried about that on the boards lately...........

come on now u have a lot to be thankful for.....a great guy .......... a child on the way......... u have a great future ahead of u........ur in my prayers

sara

[allousa 1]

W - My husband told me that before he ever came here (this was way before we met) that he envisioned America to be like Hollywood, because that is what he had seen on TV. The very first night he was in the States he had to spend the night in this generic hotel by the airport and he said he just looked out the window and thought this is NOT what he envisioned America to be.

He said it was hard at first, not knowing the language and working and going to school. BUT, he came to really like this country...so much so, that he would rather live here than in Morocco. ABSOLUTELY, he misses his family but the opportunities here are limitless compared to back home.

AND, maybe, just maybe this will make the difference....the opportunities for our son mean the most to my husband. Perhaps your husband will come to feel that way about his unborn child.

You both have some tough choices to make. You BOTH need to be honest about what you want out of your future. I wish you the best of luck

[brnidokiegurl 0]

I believe many get this nervousness, i would think a large percent. They are leaving their family, their life, their work etc, I know in our case Ahmed would be so happy if i said i was coming there to live, but i cant. I try to talk about life here all the time and stress to him this isnt tv land, he will dearly miss his family but he is a people person and knows there will be many dificulties ahead but willing to try.

[*JG* 2]

He scared right now. Who wouldn't be?

Don't put the cart before the horse here. If he hates it, he is free to go back and you will know he loved you enough to try. You will then have to figure out how to life your married life after that. But, what if he comes here and loves it? Please don't stress about this before you see the outcome. It's very important for the two of you to continue to discuss these issues. But, stressing yourself is not doing anyone any good.

Anyone out there who's already been through this in this region, please PM here and talk her through this.

[ayesha4akram 0]

Wahrania, please please you have to take care of yourself. I'm very worried about you honey!! It's normal that he feels that way, and it's a good thing that he tells you all his feelings, that puts you in a good position to be able to reassure him.

Take things one day at a time. I'm sure most men have those fears, especially if they've never left their countries before. Some don't say it, but of course they feel afraid. It's normal. But you have to think positive.

I'll pray for you, like I do each day. And remember you're breathing for 2 now, so please take care! I'm sending you lots of <<<<<hugs>>>>>

Ayesha

[Carolyn 1]

I'm not going to sugar-coat it: there have been many days where my husband sincerely wishes to go home. He doesn't have the friends that he has at home, he misses his family, he hates that there are "no people on the streets" and, sadly, no coffee shops with endless soccer matches! Life here is much more difficult than I think he imagined it to be.

Luckily, the next day he invariably affirms how much he loves me and wants to be with me. He often fantasizes about us moving to a warmer climate, but he knows how challenging that would be right now (we have a baby on the way, it would be hard to sell our house, etc.). Although he still has a low status job, he sees that there are opportunities here that he would not have in Morocco. I think he would love to be independently wealthy so that we could live 6 months here and 6 months in Morocco, but I don't think that is going to happen any time soon.

Your husband's fears are normal and not unfounded. It will be a huge adjustment, but he'll probably do just fine and appreciate many things about being here. Sure, he'll probably always miss things about home, but will also find many things about his new home to love.

Good luck and take care of yourself!

Carolyn

[MrsAmera 41]

I'm on the same page as the others here. My husband had the same fears before coming here. The farthest he had been away from his family and home was to Tangier (10 hrs) and that was with me and only for a week. He didn't realize how long it was going to be until he could see his family, he didn't realize a lot of things. When he came, we bought a round trip ticket. The ticket returned 3 months after he arrived. When the day before the ticket came, I brought it to him (mind u he was full of depression by this point) and said, your ticket is for tomorrow, do you want to go home? He tore it up. There was a lot of depression and struggles for the first 8 months or so. And even now there are days when he really just misses Morocco, even makes comments that feel hurtful to me. But in the end I know he would never leave me. If he were to decide he didn't like it here, we would all go to Morocco as a family. But we want to be able to have a nice life there too. Not everyone works 12-15 hrs in a pizza shop, my husband never has worked that long (except for a few overtime situations). He doesn't have the greatest job but he makes well over min. wage, good benefits and is moving up and has been in his job about 5 months. He's planning to go back to school too.

my thoughts to you is allow him to have the fear. Let him know it might not be what he imagines. But I promise you he will see the opportunities here as far greater than he could dream in Algeria. Don't get upset with him and really as awful as it sounds don't expect too much from him for awhile. I never made it a big deal when he couldn't work and I still don't make it a big deal that I make considerably more than he does. Let's face it, we (citizens) have a huge leg up on those who come as immigrants. The cultural norms of husbands as breadwinners etc. won't be true for a long time. The sooner that that is accepted the easier the transition is (I believe).

Try not to stress yourself out too much. Everything will work how Allah intends and there is nothing we can do to change his plans. Take care of that little peanut and stay as calm as you can .

[CarolynRitesh 0]

Hi Wahrania,

Along with everyone else, I agree that right now you need to stay calm for your and the baby's health and well-being. You can also look at his expression of fear in a different way. I would take it as a good sign that he is being open and communicative about his fears, I can only imagine how daunting it must be to leave everything he knows and where he feels safe and 'in control', and while that does add stress on you right now, I would encourage him to keep talking about things that scare him, bother him, excite him, etc. about the move. And hey, maybe all those horror stories will actually make things seem better when he gets to the US!

Culture shock is a very real thing, and it only gets more intense over time. The first three months could be a honeymoon period with reality settling in from 3 months to 1 year where things can get very intense, depression can set in, etc. It is important to talk about those things with him, for him to understand some things that can be expected, that this won't be easy... If you let him know that adjusting is a process and it takes about a year to feel some kind of comfort level in a new culture, and that it is totally natural for EVERYONE going through the process to feel lost, etc. and to give himself, your marriage and your child time and thoughtful effort, it might make him feel more comfortable. It might be helpful to seek out a counselor of some kind before he gets here, for him, both of you, or you on your own to help in the adjustment phase. I think he is coming on a CR1, right? If so, at least he will be able to work immediately and keeping yourself active, helping to support your family, etc. are helpful in the process of adjusting.

I wish the best for you and your family!

[brnidokiegurl 0]

I'm on the same page as the others here. My husband had the same fears before coming here. The farthest he had been away from his family and home was to Tangier (10 hrs) and that was with me and only for a week. He didn't realize how long it was going to be until he could see his family, he didn't realize a lot of things. When he came, we bought a round trip ticket. The ticket returned 3 months after he arrived. When the day before the ticket came, I brought it to him (mind u he was full of depression by this point) and said, your ticket is for tomorrow, do you want to go home? He tore it up. There was a lot of depression and struggles for the first 8 months or so. And even now there are days when he really just misses Morocco, even makes comments that feel hurtful to me. But in the end I know he would never leave me. If he were to decide he didn't like it here, we would all go to Morocco as a family. But we want to be able to have a nice life there too. Not everyone works 12-15 hrs in a pizza shop, my husband never has worked that long (except for a few overtime situations). He doesn't have the greatest job but he makes well over min. wage, good benefits and is moving up and has been in his job about 5 months. He's planning to go back to school too.

my thoughts to you is allow him to have the fear. Let him know it might not be what he imagines. But I promise you he will see the opportunities here as far greater than he could dream in Algeria. Don't get upset with him and really as awful as it sounds don't expect too much from him for awhile. I never made it a big deal when he couldn't work and I still don't make it a big deal that I make considerably more than he does. Let's face it, we (citizens) have a huge leg up on those who come as immigrants. The cultural norms of husbands as breadwinners etc. won't be true for a long time. The sooner that that is accepted the easier the transition is (I believe).

Try not to stress yourself out too much. Everything will work how Allah intends and there is nothing we can do to change his plans. Take care of that little peanut and stay as calm as you can .

you are a very smart woman with good advice and good insite, thanks

[JeanneVictoria 55]

Adjustment is hard for anyone. I know you, like me, have lived outside the states and altho we knew we were coming home, it still was an adjustment. I always put myself in Wael's shoes when ANY issues arise. To us we take everything for granted....to them it is almost the end of the world simply coz they haven't lived, worked, traveled, or usually been outside their cities or villages. Try having a web cam for him to talk with his family and friends! He can talk on yahoo for free. I know right now you are not feeling well and it is so very hard to put anything out of the norm in focus!! But please don't despair sweetie....it's all a part of moving from one life to another...they are so afraid of leaving everything that they have ever known in their ENTIRE lives!! We just have to take one day and make it the best he can ever have!!! Then take the next day and do it over and over....

You have many friends here to help you thru ......just call our names and you know wherever we are we will come running!!!! We love you.

Jeanne