any feedback most appreciated...

[rebeccajo 14]

I'm really not seeing why KT needed to be called out here. He seems to wear his heart on his sleeve too and quite frankly his attitude is one I would expect my own husband to embrace (fortunately for me he does). It's not just about being "madly in loive"; it's about compromise, something the OP's husband seems unwilling to do. If she is happy to live with that, it is her decision and I hope she can be happy with that. If this is the case, I hope she gets over her homesickness. 10 months is still early days.

RKL - It was my honest reaction. Not a calling out. I've been in the OP's shoes (sort of).

There are things sometimes a person can't explain.

[Jeraly 4]

I became happier as soon as I realised I wasn't going to find a perfect person.

You said it sister!

Diana

But aren't you just deeply disappointed that they don't make a perfect man? After all, we ladies are perfection....

Haha - I used to strive for perfection in myself as well but then I just ended up berating myself for not being so. Now I strive to be better, the best even - but I don't beat myself up about it if I don't manage - after all, J loves me for who I am

Sorry -

[StillThePrettiest 3]

you're right it's getting old; this was never a personal attack, just me objecting to something that was said to someone else... as far as I was concerned it was over in two posts, but you brought it back up at the end of your last, so I attempted to explain myself better

and for someone who's so determined not to have someone else's 'interpretation of your words', you're doing a mighty fine job of misrepresenting me

there's not much to interpret when someone has a dig at another member... there were many ways to say to Kazan 'I don't think that's a helpful response to the OP', but you didn't say that, you made it personal, and rather rude, and I objected to that... as I later objected when someone else said he 'hadn't answered the OP's question'

and I most certainly am not 'insisting' on anything; you may not have noticed, but I have used phrases like 'came across as', to indicate that I am speaking about MY PERCEPTION only; I don't know, and don't pretend to know, your motivations, and if I had to have a guess at them, I wouldn't think they were nasty; that's certainly not how you come across on these boards...

I have never said you were lying; if you're getting that from 'disingenuous', then you have misunderstood

I am using it in the context of you espousing one sort of practice in one place, and another elsewhere, no more or less than that... it seems to me that in many places around the boards, you tell people what YOU THINK they need to hear, whether it answers the original question or not... now, sometimes - probably more often than not - I think you're spot on with your assessment, but at the end of the day that's what it is - your assessment, not a direct answer to the question posed

in my opinion, Kazan's response was no worse than that, and in fact answered the OP better than many other off-topic replies in other threads, yet he was singled out for ridicule

I have not put any words in your mouth, either implied or overt

I'll repeat what I said above: this wasn't, and isn't, personal, and I know you explained to Jeffrey - if you hadn't added another response to me at the end of a subsequent post I wouldn't have said any more on the matter, but I thought that dig was also unfair, as it misrepresented what I had said originally, and that's why I added a second reply

I appreciate you explaining some of the background to your reactions; it makes sense, and helps to know where people are coming from... things from my past experience make it very difficult for me to stand by when I think someone else is being treated unfairly, which is why I remarked on this situation in the first place; perhaps you will also understand that

[Jeraly 4]

It was a long sentence though...

[rebeccajo 14]

Thank you, STP.

Maybe we can move on now?

[StillThePrettiest 3]

It was a long sentence though...

you betcha; they're my specialty

Maybe we can move on now?

sure; fine by me

[Kazan' Tiger 1]

Rebecca, we all answer posts by how we walk in our own shoes. You've been hurt in the past and so have I. Naturally, I process these feeling differently from you. My answers are reflecting with my personal experiences (heart on my sleeve as RKL57 pointed out) It does not make either of us right. But we both should have the right to express ourselves without fear of being told. "You are not being helpful!" The post was titled "Any feedback most appreciated."

I'm really not seeing why KT needed to be called out here. He seems to wear his heart on his sleeve too and quite frankly his attitude is one I would expect my own husband to embrace (fortunately for me he does). It's not just about being "madly in loive"; it's about compromise, something the OP's husband seems unwilling to do. If she is happy to live with that, it is her decision and I hope she can be happy with that. If this is the case, I hope she gets over her homesickness. 10 months is still early days.

RKL - It was my honest reaction. Not a calling out. I've been in the OP's shoes (sort of).

There are things sometimes a person can't explain.

[rebeccajo 14]

Jeffrey -

As I stated to you above, I believe how you feel about Alla is grand. I also note (and not idly) that Alex directly apologized to you.

But - and I would appreciate it if you would really think about this and not get offended - you are still on 'that side' of your immigration journey. I am on the other. I am not 'mocking' at all how you feel. But, things do change once the immigrant arrives and real life begins.

In fact, Wes and I have often said that the challenge to these relationships is remembering what it was like to be separated. Well - not the challenge - but rather to never forget.

The OP is on the same side of the journey as we are. Her 'emotional set' is different than yours. The 'idealism' you feel right now isn't wrong or false or to be diminished. But it's probably not 'helpful' to the OP.

From my perspective.

Rebecca, we all answer posts by how we walk in our own shoes. You've been hurt in the past and so have I. Naturally, I process these feeling differently from you. My answers are reflecting with my personal experiences (heart on my sleeve as RKL57 pointed out) It does not make either of us right. But we both should have the right to express ourselves without fear of being told. "You are not being helpful!" The post was titled "Any feedback most appreciated."

I'm really not seeing why KT needed to be called out here. He seems to wear his heart on his sleeve too and quite frankly his attitude is one I would expect my own husband to embrace (fortunately for me he does). It's not just about being "madly in loive"; it's about compromise, something the OP's husband seems unwilling to do. If she is happy to live with that, it is her decision and I hope she can be happy with that. If this is the case, I hope she gets over her homesickness. 10 months is still early days.

RKL - It was my honest reaction. Not a calling out. I've been in the OP's shoes (sort of).

There are things sometimes a person can't explain.

[StillThePrettiest 3]

in the interests of both honesty and fairness, I would just like to mention that I think the above post is right on the money, and about as note perfect as it is possible for a post to be

[tmma 467]

Im writing under a different screen name, the reason will become apparent, as I need some feedback and/or advice regarding the following issues that has come up at home. Im British and am suffering quite terrible homesickness. I have been with my husband for 2 years, married and living in the US for 10 months now.

We have recently had a discussion regarding the idea of us moving to the UK as a family, and the reaction I got from my husband was quite unexpected. Basically, he has told me that he does not want to live in the UK and that if I wanted to go home, then I would be alone. This of course has upset me no end as I left my home country and family, to be with my husband, NOT to be in the US, and I naturally thought our marriage was based on love and wanting to be together.

Now, Im not being unreasionable as I havent just come out with this and expected us to start packing our bags, I just suggested that maybe in a few years we could go and live there for a while.

What do the Americans think here?, would you move to your partners country or is your marriage based on staying put in the US?, Im just a bit baffled, and heartbroken. I would have moved to Outer Mongolia to marry him, but obviously he doesnt feel the same.

Firstly, I am sorry you are dealing with homesickness-even though I am the USC my entire family are British and live in the UK-so alot of the time, it's both me and Mark homesick! If I could have moved, I would have done so in a heartbeat. As it happened, I could not and Mark moved here. We both get homesick-that makes for some difficult times-but when that happens we try and remember those times when we were apart and aching to be TOGETHER.

It's tough and like I said, even though I am the USC-I FULLY understand the homesickness.....I really do.

I think that compromise may be the key....We plan on moving back to Europe as soon as I can move-we talked about this very thing before he moved here. This is our shared "goal" for later.

Maybe your husband was alittle blind-sided at that time the subject came up....Maybe he just needs to warm up to even the idea and look futher ahead and think about later on you guys could possibly move to the UK [perhaps temp]. Maybe he thought you were trying to tell him that you want to go home/you are not happy with him....and got alittle defensive when there was no reason to be. He may have totally misunderstood what you were saying. I am just trying to think of reasons as to why he came up with such strong statements to you.

Why not plan yourselves a vacation to the UK? I think BA has a sale on right now!

Best wishes to you! Hang on in there!

Michele.

[Kazan' Tiger 1]

Alex, I accept your apology. I missed it before and only say it just now. We may not agree often (or even at all) but I 100% respect the relations you have with your SO and always wish it to be strong! We are all here because we love someone very close to us at the present or far, far, away! My romantic nature is what gives me the strength to get through another very lonely day. I speak about it often because I need to

Yeah, sure... Alla & I are now compared to middle schoolers holding hands in the playground. So... most teenagers involve themselves in long distance relationships. Most teenagers have enough commitment to hop on a plane, sacrifice a country and lifestyle for a year to be with this person. Most teenagers are willing to live in a far harsher and less safe environment in order to make sure they truly want to be together. Most teenagers want to make sure they are compatible enough before they put their partner on a plane, her kids in tow, to a whole brand new life. Sure was real immature of this fool to actually be thinking this way might make things better for a relationship in the long run.

The ridiculing of my fiancée and I is really getting old. I have never questioned nor made light of the love you feel for your respected partners. That is hitting far below the belt on a forum aimed at offering advice to couples in love. I would appreciate the same respect I give you and ask you drop the sophomoric dribble directed point blank at us. So just why is it the two of you feel the need to seek out my posts and pretty much only my posts and get personal? I am waiting to hear these answers.

Alla & I fell in love with each other. Where she lives or I live are immaterial. I know she would go where ever we agreed was best.

Jeffrey - We get it that you and Alla share a love, passion and commitment to each other that the rest of the world have never known.

Their love is a special kind of humorless teenage love.

Yeah, I'm sorry. It was out of line to make fun of your relationship. (Seriously.)

I really do hope your relationship in the U.S. does turn out to be the completely untroubled sailing you predict.

[Jeraly 4]

Jeffrey -

As I stated to you above, I believe how you feel about Alla is grand. I also note (and not idly) that Alex directly apologized to you.

But - and I would appreciate it if you would really think about this and not get offended - you are still on 'that side' of your immigration journey. I am on the other. I am not 'mocking' at all how you feel. But, things do change once the immigrant arrives and real life begins.

In fact, Wes and I have often said that the challenge to these relationships is remembering what it was like to be separated. Well - not the challenge - but rather to never forget.

The OP is on the same side of the journey as we are. Her 'emotional set' is different than yours. The 'idealism' you feel right now isn't wrong or false or to be diminished. But it's probably not 'helpful' to the OP.

From my perspective.

Funny you should bring that up as I was only thinking about it today The five months Jeremy and I lived together were about as difficult as being apart - not helped by the fact that over there we lived in a rat and deadly spider-infested trailer in the desert, 3 miles from the nearest store even. In the UK we shared my box room in a single bed (no mean feat when your OH is 6'4 and almost 300lbs!)

I think it is important to try and remember what it took to be together. I try, however, to remain realistic about how we will be when I move... I like arguing too much I think

Good point well made

StP - I'm beginning to feel like your cronie (sp?)

[franklie 0]

What do the Americans think here?, would you move to your partners country or is your marriage based on staying put in the US?, Im just a bit baffled, and heartbroken. I would have moved to Outer Mongolia to marry him, but obviously he doesnt feel the same.

To the OP,

As an American male, I can understand from where your husband comes. As was previously posted, we Americans have inculcated in us that the US is the best and greatest place in the world. Among large segments of our population there is the idea that one who comes from another country to live here should be forever grateful to the US for allowing this person to emigrate. In addition, there is the idea that to live anywhere else in the world other than the US is to lower one's standard of living even if currently one is living in the backwoods of Appalachia.

If your husband has never traveled or has not travelled recently it might be that he is in fact a homebody and is comfortable in his house and in his county/parish.

He may feel that by staying here in the US he can give you the security/home and demonstrate his true worth to you (kind of a caveman style mentality). He would not be able to do that if he was living elsewhere with you.

One other note: the older we get the more set we get in our ways and the harder it is for us to adjust to new circumstances. And I think the male gender is worse at being flexible in this manner than their lovely counterparts...