any feedback most appreciated...

[StillThePrettiest 3]

*yawn*

oh, what an honour for this thread, to be picked for the 'Random RJ Snark of the Day'

[rebeccajo 14]

*yawn*

oh, what an honour for this thread, to be picked for the 'Random RJ Snark of the Day'

IMO, the constant insinuations that any couple who don't subscribe to the 'our love is more important than any other thing' theory is rather condescending to posters whose relationships are having a glitch. Not to mention those relationships that never operated that way.

The OP is/was having a bad day. She didn't need to hear how 'inferior' her relationship is to the all-consuming power of 'love'.

Thus the 'snark'.

[StillThePrettiest 3]

coming from someone who has said, over and OVER, variants on the concept that 'I am who I am and people have to take me how they find me', and who has often not restricted her comments to what someone 'needed to hear', I find that somewhat... disingenuous

[Kazan' Tiger 1]

Yeah, sure... Alla & I are now compared to middle schoolers holding hands in the playground. So... most teenagers involve themselves in long distance relationships. Most teenagers have enough commitment to hop on a plane, sacrifice a country and lifestyle for a year to be with this person. Most teenagers are willing to live in a far harsher and less safe environment in order to make sure they truly want to be together. Most teenagers want to make sure they are compatible enough before they put their partner on a plane, her kids in tow, to a whole brand new life. Sure was real immature of this fool to actually be thinking this way might make things better for a relationship in the long run.

The ridiculing of my fiancée and I is really getting old. I have never questioned nor made light of the love you feel for your respected partners. That is hitting far below the belt on a forum aimed at offering advice to couples in love. I would appreciate the same respect I give you and ask you drop the sophomoric dribble directed point blank at us. So just why is it the two of you feel the need to seek out my posts and pretty much only my posts and get personal? I am waiting to hear these answers.

Alla & I fell in love with each other. Where she lives or I live are immaterial. I know she would go where ever we agreed was best.

Jeffrey - We get it that you and Alla share a love, passion and commitment to each other that the rest of the world have never known.

Their love is a special kind of humorless teenage love.

[Saffyre 0]

I'm going to skip over the last part of this thread where it appears to have become a bit 'snipey' and go back to the OP's statement.

I haven't really discussed living in the Uk with my SO because I so genuinely don't care where I live as long as i am with him. Not everyone is the same, some people form emotional attachments to places and would find it hard to leave. I don't 'think' he would have that issue as he was in the marine corps for 8 years and spent a lot of time travelling. We also met while he was living in the UK so I know he can cope with it.

But coping and being happy are two different things -I expect to get homesick. In fact we have planned for it. We already have a fund put aside for 'trips back to the UK' and the first one will be planned as soon as I get my green card and i'm allowed to leave the US.

Maybe a trip back to the UK would do you the world of good. But then perhaps, what would REALLY help, is to tell your husband that his response to your comment was hurtful and dismissive, and ask him if you can sit and have a proper discussion about it. Make it clear that you are not asking to leave him, or the US, but you would like to discuss options for the future. Maybe let him think about it for a while before asking for his answer?

Just my two cents worth. I know that sometimes with my SO, I have to ask the question then give him a couple of days to mull it over........

[rebeccajo 14]

coming from someone who has said, over and OVER, variants on the concept that 'I am who I am and people have to take me how they find me', and who has often not restricted her comments to what someone 'needed to hear', I find that somewhat... disingenuous

Prettiest, I have never once said people have to take me how they find me. That's not even a particular belief of mine so if you've read that into my posts, well, you have over read. As far as telling people what they 'need to hear' I do that frequently regarding immigration matters.

I realize you hold courtesy in high regard. I'm probably too blunt for your liking in many of my posts, but that does not mean I am a disingenuous person. Personally, I find people who hide behind the mask of civility while judging others to be the disinegenuous ones.

[rebeccajo 14]

Yeah, sure... Alla & I are now compared to middle schoolers holding hands in the playground. So... most teenagers involve themselves in long distance relationships. Most teenagers have enough commitment to hop on a plane, sacrifice a country and lifestyle for a year to be with this person. Most teenagers are willing to live in a far harsher and less safe environment in order to make sure they truly want to be together. Most teenagers want to make sure they are compatible enough before they put their partner on a plane, her kids in tow, to a whole brand new life. Sure was real immature of this fool to actually be thinking this way might make things better for a relationship in the long run.

The ridiculing of my fiancée and I is really getting old. I have never questioned nor made light of the love you feel for your respected partners. That is hitting far below the belt on a forum aimed at offering advice to couples in love. I would appreciate the same respect I give you and ask you drop the sophomoric dribble directed point blank at us. So just why is it the two of you feel the need to seek out my posts and pretty much only my posts and get personal? I am waiting to hear these answers.

Jeffrey - I really don't seek out your posts. I'm too busy for that, frankly. It seems we've clashed before on some points but that is not uncommon with frequent posters.

As far as how you feel about Alla - I actually think it's grand for you personally to feel that way. It just struck me as a bit insensitive for it to have been inserted in the thread in the manner it was.

You know - all of us in these relationships have sacrificed a lot, and one half of the partnership has sacrificed a great deal. In this case, the OP is the one who made the big jump. Permanently. Even you state in your first paragraph how you sacrificed 'for a year' living in Alla's country. The OP made a permanent sacrifice.

You probably feel because you did live in Russia for a year that you would move there. Heck, maybe you made the comment simply because you're a guy and guys usually just say what they think. For me though, as a woman who was once married to a man who laid down the law to me about everything from sun up to sun down (like the NFL) I could feel the OP's pain over your feelings for Alla. She probably would love to believe her SO had that level of devotion towards her. But these relationships are usually more complicated than that and practical concerns usually enter the equation as to where the couple will live. Many of those concerns have been nicely summarized by other posters here.

My apologies for derailing the thread.

Edited April 4, 2008 by rebeccajo

[Alex+R 0]

Yeah, sure... Alla & I are now compared to middle schoolers holding hands in the playground. So... most teenagers involve themselves in long distance relationships. Most teenagers have enough commitment to hop on a plane, sacrifice a country and lifestyle for a year to be with this person. Most teenagers are willing to live in a far harsher and less safe environment in order to make sure they truly want to be together. Most teenagers want to make sure they are compatible enough before they put their partner on a plane, her kids in tow, to a whole brand new life. Sure was real immature of this fool to actually be thinking this way might make things better for a relationship in the long run.

The ridiculing of my fiancée and I is really getting old. I have never questioned nor made light of the love you feel for your respected partners. That is hitting far below the belt on a forum aimed at offering advice to couples in love. I would appreciate the same respect I give you and ask you drop the sophomoric dribble directed point blank at us. So just why is it the two of you feel the need to seek out my posts and pretty much only my posts and get personal? I am waiting to hear these answers.

Alla & I fell in love with each other. Where she lives or I live are immaterial. I know she would go where ever we agreed was best.

Jeffrey - We get it that you and Alla share a love, passion and commitment to each other that the rest of the world have never known.

Their love is a special kind of humorless teenage love.

Yeah, I'm sorry. It was out of line to make fun of your relationship. (Seriously.)

I really do hope your relationship in the U.S. does turn out to be the completely untroubled sailing you predict.

[liliella 0]

Thank you to everyones responses, and I think Jefferys love for his fiance is lovely, I myself have experienced a few 'loves' like that, and it does indeed feel wonderful. I calmly had a conversation with my husband again last night, about the issues we had talked about. He calmly and lovingly told me that he loves me no end, but would not consider moving to the UK. This isnt 'out of the blue', he had made a few comments previously, a few months back. He is American and would not be happy living in the UK, so if I felt strongly enough to 'choose' the UK over him, then that would be my decision.

I replied that I had already made the choice previously, when I moved to the States. So the conversation calmly ended with a 'like it or lump it'. Im OK, yes, I love him and perhaps Ive read way too many Mills & Boon books over the years.

I guess our marriage is built on love, trust and respect, but mainly sharing the rent and bills. Ive come to the conclusion that he isnt that knight in shining armour who would be prepared to swim shark infested waters to save me, but then he loves me as much as HE can, and that will just have to do.

[Mononoke28 135]

Love over time becomes a partnership at the end. As much as we want it to be filled with little hearts and flowers around it bottom line is, you become partners who love and respect each other. There may be a few in there who keep living in that bubble but most of us don't. And to be honest with you, I'd rather stay and share my life with my best friend than with the romantic fool we all dreamed about while growing up.

Diana

[liliella 0]

Ive just re-read my post and I dont want to come across as self-pitying. I have a great job, a wonderful home, new friends and me and my husband get along fine. I guess that Ive realised the reality of the situation and to make the best of what we have. Maybe in the future Ill go back to ol' blighty and if so, Ill be filing for divorce I guess, no need to sweat it out now. We'll carry on doing what we do, and what Im going to try NOT to do, is get too weepy and upset that he doesnt love me as much as I love him. In the grand scheme of things, theres wars and famine and bad stuff everywhere, Im not going to navel-gaze. ( until that time of the month, at least, lol ) Thankyou to everyone for your help.

[Mononoke28 135]

It also may be that he has too easy right now. You're there and in his mind, you'll always be there. I have a feeling that he might think differently if he saw how serious you were once you moved back to the UK.

Diana

[Tsup2 0]

My spouse is from the Philippines and it is impossible for me to live there now. I have joint custody of my children from a previous marriage. We have discussed retirement in the Philippines. I feel that I owe it to her after leaving her country, family and friends and adjusting to life here in the US. Once the kids are grown off to the Philippines we go. I am looking forward to retirement in the Philippines. I would live anywhere to be with her.

[rebeccajo 14]

Thank you to everyones responses, and I think Jefferys love for his fiance is lovely, I myself have experienced a few 'loves' like that, and it does indeed feel wonderful. I calmly had a conversation with my husband again last night, about the issues we had talked about. He calmly and lovingly told me that he loves me no end, but would not consider moving to the UK. This isnt 'out of the blue', he had made a few comments previously, a few months back. He is American and would not be happy living in the UK, so if I felt strongly enough to 'choose' the UK over him, then that would be my decision.

I replied that I had already made the choice previously, when I moved to the States. So the conversation calmly ended with a 'like it or lump it'. Im OK, yes, I love him and perhaps Ive read way too many Mills & Boon books over the years.

I guess our marriage is built on love, trust and respect, but mainly sharing the rent and bills. Ive come to the conclusion that he isnt that knight in shining armour who would be prepared to swim shark infested waters to save me, but then he loves me as much as HE can, and that will just have to do.

No mate is 'perfect'.

We just have to find the one who has the 'least' flaws or flaws we can live with.

I really don't think there are any knights in shining armour. There are guys who make the valiant effort, but even they have a 'toad' or two in their baggage.

A good marriage lasts a long time. While you shouldn't count on 'like it or lump its' to change - they can.

Oh - you can love and respect each other and still share rent and bills. Don't settle for less; don't expect more than you should.

[Jeraly 4]

I became happier as soon as I realised I wasn't going to find a perfect person. Instead I found someone who is perfect for me. Sure we fight and have our ups and downs (and there will plenty more to come I am sure when I move ) but we love each other dearly.

Sure - sometimes I get disappointed when I feel he can't deliver something I expected him to. I am sure he has the same thoughts about me as well sometimes It's all give and take so you just need to be able to find something you are both happy with