any feedback most appreciated...

[Dr. Obvious 49]

What do the Americans think here?, would you move to your partners country or is your marriage based on staying put in the US?, Im just a bit baffled, and heartbroken. I would have moved to Outer Mongolia to marry him, but obviously he doesnt feel the same.

I filed DCF, so it is pretty obvious what I think.

My husband told me from the beginning that he would be fine with moving to the US. LOL, I am sure he thinks differently now.

[perfect 39]

This conversation came up with me and my husband about a year after we got married but in the context more of if USA fell out with UK and deported all non US citizens, I had assumed that he would come with me because like you, I assumed that it was unimportant where we life but more important being together, wherever that may be. WRONG!! He has told me in no uncertain terms that if anything happened such that I was removed from the country or had to return to the UK for any reason I would be going alone. Even when I mentioned the idea of going back for a vacation and to visit my family - he told me he would be staying here.

[mox 298]

I'm with StP. It really does sound like you might have caught him by surprise. "Um...um...um...THE NFL!!" is something I would oh-so-cleverly come up with when caught in the headlights. Actually I probably wouldn't even be that clever. I'd be like "Um...um...um...I can't speak British!!"

As for me, I (we) would move to her country if I could be reasonably sure of getting gainful employment to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. It would also have to wait until my children were self-sufficient and we were at a point that I felt like I could make that kind of a break. I've lived in 3 different countries in my adult life, and every move was difficult. If your husband has never lived outside the U.S., he could also be a little scared of the unknown. Maybe when you talk again, you could suggest a trip to the old country to kind of scope things out.

This conversation came up with me and my husband about a year after we got married but in the context more of if USA fell out with UK and deported all non US citizens, I had assumed that he would come with me because like you, I assumed that it was unimportant where we life but more important being together, wherever that may be. WRONG!! He has told me in no uncertain terms that if anything happened such that I was removed from the country or had to return to the UK for any reason I would be going alone. Even when I mentioned the idea of going back for a vacation and to visit my family - he told me he would be staying here.

That's really unfair.

[Lansbury 19]

it was just a thought that popped into my head that received a surprise reply.

Perhaps it got a surprise reply because it was a surprise question and the reply just popped into his head before it was considered properly.

[melusine 5]

I didn't like to hear that story..... It's some kind of what i heard when i divorced of my first marriage (there was no immigration for the other one involved but the situation is somehow similar). I was thinking he would think it would be cool to go live in other countries (after all he liked the idea of all my friends doing it) but when i came up with the subject... it was a NO (like i will not even think about it) after a while, the relationship was also doomed (i was the adventurous one also).

Of course, with my actual fiance, i bring thoses matters up front and so everything is quite clear.

As for an advice, i would say to stay for now or to leave very temporarly. I would still if i would be you try to make the relationship work and would wait at least about 2 years to see if the homesick is still here (it took me about a year and a half to adapt from france to french canada). Try your best to enjoy this new home that you have, do activities, and activities together... perhaps considering some counseling.....

I don't know much how it works with papers, immigration etc but beeing you, i would try to put myself in such a position that if i go back in UK for a while i would be able to come back if after all i change my mind.

[catrocks 0]

Awww I'm sorry, it can't be nice to be told you can never go back to live in the UK if you want to live with your husband. I would hope he was just surprised and needs some time to think about it. The NFL is not a reason.

My husband would actually have preferred to live in the UK, but we decided on the US because he already had a good job whereas I'd only just graduated uni. But he keeps telling me that we need to move to the UK in a few years because he doesn't really like it here. But, I expect he is the exception.

I understand how you feel - whenever I'm feeling homesick it's comforting to think that we might live in the UK again one day. It must be a shock to be told that's not going to happen, especially after you've given up your home and everything familiar to move across the world to be with him. I would expect he would do the same if you had been unable to move to the US for whatever reason. It's kind of a slap in the face.

But just wait a couple of days, like other posters have said, and then sit down with him and explain calmly how it made you feel. Tell him that you didn't mean that you'd like to move back there right now, but that you'd like to think you'd always have the option and that you don't want to have to choose between him and your home country. Tell him that after you've gone through so much to be with him it's hurtful to think that he wouldn't have done the same. But stay calm, and then listen to what he has to say. Hopefully he was just caught off guard and a little freaked out. If he's always lived here then it might take a bit of getting used to the idea of not.

[Jeraly 4]

My OH would prefer to live in the UK as well - he isn't particularly enamoured of the US although I think maybe it was the situation he was in Not so unusual Cat

[StillThePrettiest 3]

my fiance too - he'd LOVE to live here, and I suspect would have been the one to move were it not for his almost-seventeen year old son in the US

so there's a lot of upheaval for me... but it's not all bad; cost of living is SO much lower in Houston, so that will be enjoyable, and hopefully Dave can complete his degree before we leave again, and therefore be much more employable in the UK if (when ) we come back here

so no, not so unusual...

[Alex+R 0]

I'm sorry, that can't be nice to hear. Your husband was insensitive, but perhaps in a few days he'll come around with a more loving response when he sees how he has hurt you. Is there any chance you and he could agree that after a certain period of time you'll address the issue again?

As for homesickness, I think you should try to stick it out until 18 months have passed. If you haven't already, get involved in some local groups/teams/clubs to make it seem more like home. 10 months is, like someone else said, a point when the novelty wares off but you're not rooted in the new place. Give it a bit more time.

[catrocks 0]

My OH would prefer to live in the UK as well - he isn't particularly enamoured of the US although I think maybe it was the situation he was in Not so unusual Cat

my fiance too - he'd LOVE to live here, and I suspect would have been the one to move were it not for his almost-seventeen year old son in the US

so there's a lot of upheaval for me... but it's not all bad; cost of living is SO much lower in Houston, so that will be enjoyable, and hopefully Dave can complete his degree before we leave again, and therefore be much more employable in the UK if (when ) we come back here

so no, not so unusual...

Yeah the cost of living was another reason we decided on the US. I think the reason Ben doesn't really like the US is because he lived in Germany for 2 years with the USAF and travelled a lot.... he got a lot of outside perspective and to learn about other cultures, so when he returned to the US he kind of thought it was stupid. Well, especially here because everyone's so redneck! He's also said he would like to live in Australia and Rhode Island (?) so we will see!

[Krikit 1,165]

Liliella, you have received so much wonderful advice and thoughts here that I cannot really add to it. I can give a bit of homesickness information from my own perspective, though. Like Melusine, it has taken me about 1-1.5 years to settle in and not be devastatingly homesick. I love where I live now. It was also very helpful for me to be able to travel back whenever I wanted/needed to. It really took the edge off. But it also made me look forward to coming back home, you know? I agree that you probably caught your husband by surprise. Don't take it to heart, because your hurt will turn into anger and resentment, and may even make the thought of returning home even stronger in your mind. I'm sure your husband would be open to discussing it if he knew how much his words affected you. Keep the thought of returning home in the back of your mind. But don't consider making any firm decisions until at least another year from now. Time has a way of changing things and healing the mind. I pray you have peace.

[Mononoke28 135]

I think the problem us wome have is that we assume too much, and I am guilty of this as well. We assume other people would do things for us without talking about it, then in part we're guilty of that. Of course love should be unconditional and we should all try to be together BUT, if suggestions like these are not talked about before such a big move, BEFORE getting married, then in a way I totally understand her husband. It wasn't discussed before and it's not something he had considered.

Now, should he try to understand where she is coming from and consider the possibilities? Absolutely. But bottom line is, he was blindsided with a situation that should've been brought up before anything happened.

Of course the whole NFL comment was just the icing on the cake!

Diana

[rebeccajo 14]

Alla & I fell in love with each other. Where she lives or I live are immaterial. I know she would go where ever we agreed was best.

Jeffrey - We get it that you and Alla share a love, passion and commitment to each other that the rest of the world have never known.

[Alex+R 0]

Alla & I fell in love with each other. Where she lives or I live are immaterial. I know she would go where ever we agreed was best.

Jeffrey - We get it that you and Alla share a love, passion and commitment to each other that the rest of the world have never known.

Their love is a special kind of humorless teenage love.

[bora bora 1]

Alla & I fell in love with each other. Where she lives or I live are immaterial. I know she would go where ever we agreed was best.

Jeffrey - We get it that you and Alla share a love, passion and commitment to each other that the rest of the world have never known.

Their love is a special kind of humorless teenage love.