any feedback most appreciated...

[liliella 0]

Im writing under a different screen name, the reason will become apparent, as I need some feedback and/or advice regarding the following issues that has come up at home. Im British and am suffering quite terrible homesickness. I have been with my husband for 2 years, married and living in the US for 10 months now.

We have recently had a discussion regarding the idea of us moving to the UK as a family, and the reaction I got from my husband was quite unexpected. Basically, he has told me that he does not want to live in the UK and that if I wanted to go home, then I would be alone. This of course has upset me no end as I left my home country and family, to be with my husband, NOT to be in the US, and I naturally thought our marriage was based on love and wanting to be together.

Now, Im not being unreasionable as I havent just come out with this and expected us to start packing our bags, I just suggested that maybe in a few years we could go and live there for a while.

What do the Americans think here?, would you move to your partners country or is your marriage based on staying put in the US?, Im just a bit baffled, and heartbroken. I would have moved to Outer Mongolia to marry him, but obviously he doesnt feel the same.

[tom&tata 2]

I am not American but I am speaking on behalf of him as we discussed it numerous times. For now, US is the better place for us as we both can work & live here, whereas where I come from, current regulation is not easy on woman married with foreigner. It's decision based on economics & quality of life for both of us. But, we have agreed that when we are getting older, we will move & live in my home country as it is less expensive.

Is there anything that keeps him here (closeness to family, child(ren) from prev relationship, etc)?

[bora bora 1]

I am not American but I am speaking on behalf of him as we discussed it numerous times. For now, US is the better place for us as we both can work & live here, whereas where I come from, current regulation is not easy on woman married with foreigner. It's decision based on economics & quality of life for both of us. But, we have agreed that when we are getting older, we will move & live in my home country as it is less expensive.

Is there anything that keeps him here (closeness to family, child(ren) from prev relationship, etc)?

Maybe he SAID that he wouldn't move, but if he knew that you were so unhappy in the U.S. that you would go back to the UK, no matter what, he may change his mind.

[shadtov 0]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Maybe your husband just needs some time to think about your discussion. I know that my husband usually requires a few days to absorb and consider big decisions. Sometimes I react harshly, initially, when my world view is challenged. I'm thinking that your husband's world view involves you both living in the US.

On the other hand, I also think that it is important for you to honor your wishes and your heart as well. My husband and I made a deal that we would spend 3 years in the US and then consider moving to Mexico if things weren't working well here. My husband was definitely homesick. He loves his home. Things aren't perfect now, but we know that moving to Mexico would add other challenges. One of our goals is to save enough money at this stage in our lives so we could maintain homes in both countries in our futures--or at least visit regularly.

It's difficult and full of compromise.

I'd encourage you to give your husband some time. Then I'd talk about it again. If you love your husband so much that you'd be willing "to move to outer mongolia" I can't imagine that your husband also doesn't love you intensely. He may be thinking in a way that is very practical while you are following your heart. I think that a relationship needs both, heart and logic. I don't favor either process. In our relationship, I tend to think and plan everything to death while my husband bases decisions on relationships and feelings. Both are valid and necessary.

I wish you well. Being homesick with no solution in sight is incredibly difficult.

Im writing under a different screen name, the reason will become apparent, as I need some feedback and/or advice regarding the following issues that has come up at home. Im British and am suffering quite terrible homesickness. I have been with my husband for 2 years, married and living in the US for 10 months now.

We have recently had a discussion regarding the idea of us moving to the UK as a family, and the reaction I got from my husband was quite unexpected. Basically, he has told me that he does not want to live in the UK and that if I wanted to go home, then I would be alone. This of course has upset me no end as I left my home country and family, to be with my husband, NOT to be in the US, and I naturally thought our marriage was based on love and wanting to be together.

Now, Im not being unreasionable as I havent just come out with this and expected us to start packing our bags, I just suggested that maybe in a few years we could go and live there for a while.

What do the Americans think here?, would you move to your partners country or is your marriage based on staying put in the US?, Im just a bit baffled, and heartbroken. I would have moved to Outer Mongolia to marry him, but obviously he doesnt feel the same.

[Lansbury 19]

My wife is the USC, she came to live in the UK as I still had 10 years police service left to complete for a full service pension. It made financial sense to do so but it was on the understanding when I retired we would come to the USA.

The decision to come and live in the USA was again partly for financial reasons. My pension would get multiplied by the exchange rate, while her Oregon Public Employees Pension would get divided by the exchange rate if we remained in the UK. That wasn't the only reason we chose were to live based on where we thought we would enjoy our retirement the most and where if we needed or wanted to work (either paid or voluntary) there was the best opportunities.

What I'm trying to say is we chose where to live not because the other person was there but because it made sense to live there at the time.

I would also add that from my personal experience you are about the worst time for homesickness. The novelty has worn off but you haven't yet really settled in to life in the USA.

Some people just find the thought of up routing and moving to live in another country just too much, and would never do it regardless of what it cost them. Others like us are more adventurous.

Edited April 1, 2008 by Lansbury

[bora bora 1]

My husband wanted to come to the U.S., but he was nervous...

I told him I thought it was fair that he come here and live for a year - and then if he didn't like it we could go back to Brazil. I had lived with him in his country for a year and asked him to do the same. He agreed, and after a week decided the U.S. was his home. Some people adapt very quickly, maybe 10 months is not enough time to acculturate...

OP, I wish you luck on whatever you decide.

[Mononoke28 135]

Did you guys talk about the possibility of moving back to the UK down the road? If not, then his reaction is totally understandable because you agreed to move here and not vice versa. If it is something you did talk about before you moving here then he needs to understand where you are coming from.

I think that if you love each other you should try to be with that person wherever he/she is but we also have a choice to make that move. You had the choice to stay and make him move for you but you chose to be here. He should do the same for you but if you did not agree on it from the beginning you should not expect him to do the same.

Us women are more giving and will do whatever it takes to make a relationship work. Men are a little different in that respect. He might change his mind later on but you need to do whatever you think you should do to be happy.

Diana

Edited April 1, 2008 by Mononoke28

[Kazan' Tiger 1]

Alla & I fell in love with each other. Where she lives or I live are immaterial. I know she would go where ever we agreed was best.

[liliella 0]

theres no family/prev relationship/children ties. He has said that its because of the weather and NFL. We didnt discuss this previously at length as I wanted to come here, I am the adventurous one. However, I assumed that if it made sense for us to go at some point, he would at least entertain the idea. I would not try and blackmail him into going, that wouldnt work and am not currently planning my departure, but at least I know that if the UK was where I wanted to be, then I guess I would be going alone.

thanks for the replies, some interesting perspectives in there.

[*julez* 124]

I think many people assume tha cos you're British and English speaking it will be easy to adjust to a new life in the US. After all, how different can it be???? Right? But the reality of life in the US for a Brit is harder than it would seem. I know my husband is struggling with it. Overall, he likes it but definitely misses the familiarity of home. The food is different, the weather is different, the sports are different, etc. Plus the US spouse already has an entire life built here, one that you are just expected to integrate into, with no problems. Unfortunately its just not always that easy.

Once the feeling of adventure wears off and the drone of everyday life settles in you're likely to find yourself wondering what the hell has happened to your life??? From all the stories I've read here on VJ, people consistently report the ups and downs of life in the US, particularly in the first year. Most people are able to overcome those feelings of homesickness, in time. And maybe that's all you're experiencing right now, a terrible bout of homesickness.

But then you got slapped in the face that in no uncertain terms, that a future in the UK as a couple is not in the cards. End of discussion. That's a bit tougher to deal with, cos now you're questioning your relationship. And I can completely understand why you're upset, but I don't think what has happened means that this is the end of the road for you guys. I guess if I were in your shoes, I'd take some time to reflect on the conversation and then sit down with your husband and calmly explain to him just how hurt and confused you are feeling. And tell him just how homesick you are. Keeping the lines of ciommunication open is the key! Or, maybe a trip to Old Blighty will just the thing to restore your spirits and give you the conficence you need to keep building your life here in the US.

Sorry for the ramble! I do hope you can sort things out.

[LoriLawless 0]

I can kinda understand where he's coming from.

My child keeps me from going, but I would consider it otherwise.

I agree the weather sucks there! Sorry, I love your country, just not the weather lol

I'm a huge NFL fan too - but that's not all I would miss.

I guess it probably struck him as a surprise ya know? He probably thought it was all agreed upon when you moved here, and didn't give moving there a second thought until you brought it up.

I'd give it some time, and talk to him a little more about how you feel. Good luck.

[Kazan' Tiger 1]

Yeah... a much of big men grabbing each other are more important than the love of my life!

...He has said that its because of the weather and NFL...

[LoriLawless 0]

I think many people assume tha cos you're British and English speaking it will be easy to adjust to a new life in the US. After all, how different can it be???? Right? But the reality of life in the US for a Brit is harder than it would seem. I know my husband is struggling with it. Overall, he likes it but definitely misses the familiarity of home. The food is different, the weather is different, the sports are different, etc. Plus the US spouse already has an entire life built here, one that you are just expected to integrate into, with no problems. Unfortunately its just not always that easy.

Once the feeling of adventure wears off and the drone of everyday life settles in you're likely to find yourself wondering what the hell has happened to your life??? From all the stories I've read here on VJ, people consistently report the ups and downs of life in the US, particularly in the first year. Most people are able to overcome those feelings of homesickness, in time. And maybe that's all you're experiencing right now, a terrible bout of homesickness.

But then you got slapped in the face that in no uncertain terms, that a future in the UK as a couple is not in the cards. End of discussion. That's a bit tougher to deal with, cos now you're questioning your relationship. And I can completely understand why you're upset, but I don't think what has happened means that this is the end of the road for you guys. I guess if I were in your shoes, I'd take some time to reflect on the conversation and then sit down with your husband and calmly explain to him just how hurt and confused you are feeling. And tell him just how homesick you are. Keeping the lines of ciommunication open is the key! Or, maybe a trip to Old Blighty will just the thing to restore your spirits and give you the conficence you need to keep building your life here in the US.

Sorry for the ramble! I do hope you can sort things out.

She said it better than I did.

[liliella 0]

thanks.

It was a bit of a slap in the face, youre right. Guess I thought, it didnt really matter where we were as long as we had each other. Think youre right about a trip home, that might sort me out. Its not even, that im so homesick that I need to go, it was just a thought that popped into my head that received a surprise reply.

[StillThePrettiest 3]

oh, I'm so sorry this has happened; even the THOUGHT of maybe one day being back home can be very comforting, so not only have you had that pulled out from under you, you feel at least somewhat betrayed by your husband's reaction... I would feel terribly if that happened to me

I've been living in the UK for almost four years now (prior to that lived my whole life in Sydney, Australia) and I was - am - VERY reluctant to leave to go to the US... because of that we've discussed it many times, and have an agreement that at (approximately) the two year mark, we'll discuss longer term plans, and decide where we want to be; in some ways that's my lifeline, because if I HATE it there (and part of me expects to ) I can surely stick it out for two years, right? I don't know what I'd do if that lifeline was suddenly taken away from me

I think your husband's reaction - and even more, his reasons - were pretty poor, but as someone said earlier: perhaps HE was surprised, or felt a little betrayed too; if you hadn't discussed living in the UK before, perhaps your question came out of left field for him... and I have found, many times, that people can get quite irrational if they feel like their country is being criticised in some way; I've even done it myself... and some people just don't respond well if they're surprised; they may feel defensive, or just speak thoughtlessly

when a bit of time has passed, and there isn't any tension in the air, can you tell him how his reaction made you feel, and maybe explain a bit more why you asked him in the first place? I can't imagine he'd TRULY want to put your happiness in second place to weather and NFL... and just discussing it again now the issue's been raised may be less confrontational, and more productive

I wish you the best... it's so awful to feel dislocated, and like you don't belong, and to yearn and yearn for things that you just can't have at present... it's death by inches

I hope you get past this, and can start to feel more at home where you are... my thoughts and prayers are with you

xx