jokes thread again

[almaty 19]

A woman sends her clothing out to the local laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the laundryman that says, "Use more soap on panties." This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry, "Use more soap on panties." Finally fed up, the laundry man responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on ###."

An elephant asks a camel: “Why are your breasts on your back?”

“Well,” says the camel, “I think that’s a strange question from somebody whose ####### is on his face!”

What women should never say to their naked man!

1 This explains your car. 2 I never saw one like that before. 3 But it still works, right? 4 Are you cold? 5 I guess this makes me the early bird. 6 Ahhhh, it's cute. 7 Can I be honest with you? 8 Maybe it looks better in natural light. 9 Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 10 Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes

[Nessa 23]

A woman sends her clothing out to the local laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the laundryman that says, "Use more soap on panties." This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry, "Use more soap on panties." Finally fed up, the laundry man responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on ###."

An elephant asks a camel: “Why are your breasts on your back?”

“Well,” says the camel, “I think that’s a strange question from somebody whose ####### is on his face!”

What women should never say to their naked man!

1 This explains your car. 2 I never saw one like that before. 3 But it still works, right? 4 Are you cold? 5 I guess this makes me the early bird. 6 Ahhhh, it's cute. 7 Can I be honest with you? 8 Maybe it looks better in natural light. 9 Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 10 Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes

[#@!!* 0]

Two fish were swimming in their tank

One fish looked at the other fish and said

"Do you know how to drive this thing?"

[Jasman0717 9]

[Indo_mommy 0]

[Ban Hammer 13,344]

[snz1802 0]

[웃 910]

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

means a smile and

is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some '#######-ICONS?'

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular #######

(__!__) a fat #######

(!) a tight #######

(_*_) a sore #######

{_!_} a swishy #######

(_o_) an ####### that's been around

(_x_) kiss my #######

(_X_) leave my ####### alone

(_zzz_) a tired #######

(_E=mc2_) a smart #######

(_$_) Money coming out of his #######

(_?_) Dumb #######

[웃 910]

Teaching maths in 1970

1. A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80.

How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns t o find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonus's are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من ??جل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D 8ج من

الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

[almaty 19]

lol..soooooooo true

[Nagishkaw 510]

[luckytxn 2,264]

A man has fallen for a blonde and after many dates decides to take her hunting with him and she accepts. The morning he escorts her to her deer stand and makes sure she is comfy and then walks off to his deer stand when he hears a shot. He is surprised that she has shot a deer so fast and walks back and upon entering the clearing he spies her arguing with someone else.

"it's mine," she says.

"No it is mine," he argues.

Then she lifts her weapon and cocks it.

"Ok ok," he says, "but just let me take my saddle off of your deer."

Edited August 19, 2009 by luckytxn