Tell me its not me

[MrsAmera 41]

Terrie - I think that some advice here is ok but a bit overboard. I think first you need to consider that he's only been here for 4-5 months. That's not long. My husband has been here about 2 1/2 yrs and is still dealing with homesickness and depression occasionally (amal's husband has been here 4 years and is still dealing with it). I really feel like this might be the issue, more so than that he is using you. Give it some time really, I think that part of the notion that he's using you may also be from all of our fears that our SO may be doing this. But if this is all that you're thinking of you might not be looking at other issues. PM me anytime I'm happy to talk

[SaadBell 0]

IS THAT ANYTHING like the guy who has child porn on his computer (but geez its his computer) after all

Good point, when I finally looked at my ex-husbands stuff, I had plenty of signs, if you are happily married, one never thinks of things like this. It is when you start to spot signs, gut feelings, you have every right to know. I never used the stuff I saw on the computer in my divorce, what it did do for me, I KNEW WHAT I WAS DEALING WITH, no longer did I wonder if I was doing the right thing.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Terrie - I think that some advice here is ok but a bit overboard. I think first you need to consider that he's only been here for 4-5 months. That's not long. My husband has been here about 2 1/2 yrs and is still dealing with homesickness and depression occasionally (amal's husband has been here 4 years and is still dealing with it). I really feel like this might be the issue, more so than that he is using you. Give it some time really, I think that part of the notion that he's using you may also be from all of our fears that our SO may be doing this. But if this is all that you're thinking of you might not be looking at other issues. PM me anytime I'm happy to talk

This is a great point..sometimes its not homesickness either...sometimes people are just not compatible and they spent such short time together ON VACATION and in an insulated net environment...Things are so much easier online.Living with someone is much harder..It may not be just the so's.the petitioners can have major issues and not be what the so's bargained for

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

IS THAT ANYTHING like the guy who has child porn on his computer (but geez its his computer) after all

Good point, when I finally looked at my ex-husbands stuff, I had plenty of signs, if you are happily married, one never thinks of things like this. It is when you start to spot signs, gut feelings, you have every right to know. I never used the stuff I saw on the computer in my divorce, what it did do for me, I KNEW WHAT I WAS DEALING WITH, no longer did I wonder if I was doing the right thing.

exactly Ganja..Pollyanna advice will not help someone being preyed upon...you need to look at all sides,good bad and in between and as the knight in raiders of the lost ark said

CHOOSE WISELY.....

[polarbear 0]

There is some good advice here, but I would also start small.

Our husbands have been here about the same time and really, it is often times difficult adjusting to one another. There isn't more to it than that.... and actually, last night I was the one that was moody, speaking harshly, and just plain difficult. He is the one who made me stop, talk to him, and figure out what was bothering me so much. If he hadn't done that, I would still probably be b!tchy and not really figured out what was really bothering me. It's hard on both parties, and you might need to stop and evaluate things and figure out how you want to handle this.

I don't know how strong your suspisions are, but talking to him calmly and asking him sincerely about what might be bothering him, is a good first step. There is a good likelyhood it has nothing to do with you. Everyone adjusts differently. If he hasn't traveled alot or spent much time away from Egypt, it is perfectly normal for him to be getting REALLY homesick right now. Talking about future plans to visit home is always good as well - from your signature, he should have his AP papers right? So it's a possibility now, not just wishful thinking. I think the knowladge that I encourage my husband to go home when he needs to (father ill, family not doing so well, ect...) makes him worry a little less and he is talking about putting it off now until we are more financially stable. He used to talk about going back as soon as he was able to travel.

One more thing... before you talk to him, make sure you have thought out what you want to say and the main points you want to hit. Even write it down if it helps. It always helps me to keep it from getting into a plain old emotional argument - helps me get my point across.

[caybee 21]

The OP is upset that her husband has seemed distant recently (at a time that often coincides with homesickness for an immigrant), and he made a previous comment about being able to take care of himself here, without her help, not necessarily such a strange comment for a MENA man -- or any man -- who was raised to be the breadwinner and whose ego may be taking a huge hit while he still has to depend on his wife for a lot of the basics. "I can take care of myself" also means "I can take care of my wife" -- it must be a huge relief for an immigrant to reach this point of autonomy.

The OP has every reason to be hurt by her husband's distance and to want to find a solution. But unless I missed something, she has said nothing about suspecting unfaithfulness or questionable internet activity. So I wonder why so much time is being spent suggesting this "last resort," which, as some have pointed out, may be illegal, and which, if discovered, could do irreparable harm to the OP's marriage if she spies on him, even if there's nothing there.

Not to minimize what some members have gone through with cheating partners, but even if legal, spyware is not harmless. The simple act of spying puts a person in a damaging and distrustful frame of mind, even if nothing is found and the partner never knows about it, because the person spying puts himself or herself in the position of sifting through their partners private correspondence or thoughts looking for dirt, which is an ugly business. What if the OP finds a journal entry or an email to a sibling where her husband vents a momentary frustration, maybe even mentions something his wife did that annoyed him or mentions leaving -- though he never really intends to -- then feels better after the vent and can keep going, believing his private thoughts have remained private? I've occasionally allowed myself an unfettered vent in an email to MYSELF or a very trusted friend, a vent that might hurt a loved one's feelings if they actually read what I wrote, but one that let me get my thoughts out in writing so I could read them with my own eyes and then deal with them in a mature fashion. The spyware route is so easy, but the consequences can be huge and relationship-damaging, even if nothing improper is ever discovered.

We often ask our partner what he or she is thinking, but who among us would really want to know every unfiltered thought that goes through his or her mind, and who among us would want to share all of ours? We sometimes need to filter what we say, or at least choose our words carefully, to avoid hurting those closest to us. Most of us have known someone whose filtering mechanism is broken, and we know what it's like to be around that kind of person.

The ONLY possible justification I can see for spyware is if a partner already knows about an affair (and I mean is CERTAIN about that affair) and just needs one last glaring piece of evidence to give them the push they need to take a difficult step. And even then, I think there are much healthier ways to get that push.

Just my 2 dh.

[terrie/kamal 0]

Thank you for all your advice everyone. I have taken some of it into consideration and some wheels are already turning on this. I think things will turn out differently then first anticipated but i'm always on the caution.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

The OP is upset that her husband has seemed distant recently (at a time that often coincides with homesickness for an immigrant), and he made a previous comment about being able to take care of himself here, without her help, not necessarily such a strange comment for a MENA man -- or any man -- who was raised to be the breadwinner and whose ego may be taking a huge hit while he still has to depend on his wife for a lot of the basics. "I can take care of myself" also means "I can take care of my wife" -- it must be a huge relief for an immigrant to reach this point of autonomy.

The OP has every reason to be hurt by her husband's distance and to want to find a solution. But unless I missed something, she has said nothing about suspecting unfaithfulness or questionable internet activity. So I wonder why so much time is being spent suggesting this "last resort," which, as some have pointed out, may be illegal, and which, if discovered, could do irreparable harm to the OP's marriage if she spies on him, even if there's nothing there.

Not to minimize what some members have gone through with cheating partners, but even if legal, spyware is not harmless. The simple act of spying puts a person in a damaging and distrustful frame of mind, even if nothing is found and the partner never knows about it, because the person spying puts himself or herself in the position of sifting through their partners private correspondence or thoughts looking for dirt, which is an ugly business. What if the OP finds a journal entry or an email to a sibling where her husband vents a momentary frustration, maybe even mentions something his wife did that annoyed him or mentions leaving -- though he never really intends to -- then feels better after the vent and can keep going, believing his private thoughts have remained private? I've occasionally allowed myself an unfettered vent in an email to MYSELF or a very trusted friend, a vent that might hurt a loved one's feelings if they actually read what I wrote, but one that let me get my thoughts out in writing so I could read them with my own eyes and then deal with them in a mature fashion. The spyware route is so easy, but the consequences can be huge and relationship-damaging, even if nothing improper is ever discovered.

We often ask our partner what he or she is thinking, but who among us would really want to know every unfiltered thought that goes through his or her mind, and who among us would want to share all of ours? We sometimes need to filter what we say, or at least choose our words carefully, to avoid hurting those closest to us. Most of us have known someone whose filtering mechanism is broken, and we know what it's like to be around that kind of person.

The ONLY possible justification I can see for spyware is if a partner already knows about an affair (and I mean is CERTAIN about that affair) and just needs one last glaring piece of evidence to give them the push they need to take a difficult step. And even then, I think there are much healthier ways to get that push.

Just my 2 dh.

Yes...yes and yes..I would like to know the healthy ways to get that push when everything in your life has collapsed...What pains me is that after all the cases I have seen of this,I have never ever ever seen a woman ready to deal with that everything she has built up in her mind was a plot, a plan...Whatever the real situation is,I see nothing wrong with a contingency plan.I wish that when I was faced with what I saw that someone gave me solid advice and plan 1 plan 2 and plan 3. There has to be first an acknowledgement of all the possibilities...

If she is already having such hard core gut feelings and he has acted distant and has stated he can adjust without her,it doesnt sound like depression.It sounds like she needs to go to marriage counseling.If he is commited to her and this marriage,he will go to as many as she needs to get things right.If he balks,then honestly,she needs to really make some decisions.Can she endure 2 more years of this?She will be 50 at the time.Does she have more emotions and time to invest in a situation that only she is commited to making work?

If she is to the point that she is coming to the boards to talk about things,something is terribly wrong.I personally think based on what shes said that she needs to tell him that she wants counseling and start scheduling it.We here at vj as well meaning as we want to be are not licenced family therapists.....if hes using her,he sure as hell wont want to work on their marriage...She'll get her answers right there.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Thank you for all your advice everyone. I have taken some of it into consideration and some wheels are already turning on this. I think things will turn out differently then first anticipated but i'm always on the caution.

Only you can decide what you want to do.I think the advice for marriage counseling is an excellent one..I think doing things as a couple is a good idea.

Do what my mom says.Prepare for the worst,Hope for the best....

[allousa 1]

If she is to the point that she is coming to the boards to talk about things,something is terribly wrong.I personally think based on what shes said that she needs to tell him that she wants counseling and start scheduling it.We here at vj as well meaning as we want to be are not licenced family therapists.....if hes using her,he sure as hell wont want to work on their marriage...She'll get her answers right there.

I really try my best to not get embroiled in these "back and forth" comments....but I read your previous post telling the OP that telling everyone about it wasn't helping and then your comment above. Have you not yourself made VOLUMES of posts talking about the specifics of your past, present and future relationships. You are absolutely entitled to your opinion, but what concerns me is your push to alienate these SOs in a malicious manner, when you may not have personal knowledge of the situation. I know that I wouldn't want on my shoulders or karma, the demise of a relationship based on something I advised someone to do.

It's very easy to feed into the doubts and fears that some posters say about SOs using a person for the GC. But that is NOT EVERY RELATIONSHIP. A marriage is hard work and a bi-cultural relationship/marriage is even harder. But people coming to this site everyday and reading some of these posts....if you are looking for negativity...your going to find it.

If a woman/man is honest with themselves...alot of signs are going to be there prior to an SO ever getting to the U.S. My husband lived several years in the States before he got stuck in Morocco for 4 years and now that he is back, we are both having adjustments. It's not all him either...some of it's me. My best advice is to be honest with each other about what you are feeling but be open to what the other person is saying and try not to jump to conclusions.

[~~~water~~~ 0]

If she is to the point that she is coming to the boards to talk about things,something is terribly wrong.I personally think based on what shes said that she needs to tell him that she wants counseling and start scheduling it.We here at vj as well meaning as we want to be are not licenced family therapists.....if hes using her,he sure as hell wont want to work on their marriage...She'll get her answers right there.

I really try my best to not get embroiled in these "back and forth" comments....but I read your previous post telling the OP that telling everyone about it wasn't helping and then your comment above. Have you not yourself made VOLUMES of posts talking about the specifics of your past, present and future relationships. You are absolutely entitled to your opinion, but what concerns me is your push to alienate these SOs in a malicious manner, when you may not have personal knowledge of the situation. I know that I wouldn't want on my shoulders or karma, the demise of a relationship based on something I advised someone to do.

It's very easy to feed into the doubts and fears that some posters say about SOs using a person for the GC. But that is NOT EVERY RELATIONSHIP. A marriage is hard work and a bi-cultural relationship/marriage is even harder. But people coming to this site everyday and reading some of these posts....if you are looking for negativity...your going to find it.

If a woman/man is honest with themselves...alot of signs are going to be there prior to an SO ever getting to the U.S. My husband lived several years in the States before he got stuck in Morocco for 4 years and now that he is back, we are both having adjustments. It's not all him either...some of it's me. My best advice is to be honest with each other about what you are feeling but be open to what the other person is saying and try not to jump to conclusions.

I agree so much its a lot of work making a marriage work and the bi-cultural aspect really adds to this. We don't know others true intentions

[sarahaziz 0]

It's not you Terri, but it's not good that he disrespects like that, you should talk to him and I'm sure things will get more respectful.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

If she is to the point that she is coming to the boards to talk about things,something is terribly wrong.I personally think based on what shes said that she needs to tell him that she wants counseling and start scheduling it.We here at vj as well meaning as we want to be are not licenced family therapists.....if hes using her,he sure as hell wont want to work on their marriage...She'll get her answers right there.

I really try my best to not get embroiled in these "back and forth" comments....but I read your previous post telling the OP that telling everyone about it wasn't helping and then your comment above. Have you not yourself made VOLUMES of posts talking about the specifics of your past, present and future relationships. You are absolutely entitled to your opinion, but what concerns me is your push to alienate these SOs in a malicious manner, when you may not have personal knowledge of the situation. I know that I wouldn't want on my shoulders or karma, the demise of a relationship based on something I advised someone to do.

It's very easy to feed into the doubts and fears that some posters say about SOs using a person for the GC. But that is NOT EVERY RELATIONSHIP. A marriage is hard work and a bi-cultural relationship/marriage is even harder. But people coming to this site everyday and reading some of these posts....if you are looking for negativity...your going to find it.

If a woman/man is honest with themselves...alot of signs are going to be there prior to an SO ever getting to the U.S. My husband lived several years in the States before he got stuck in Morocco for 4 years and now that he is back, we are both having adjustments. It's not all him either...some of it's me. My best advice is to be honest with each other about what you are feeling but be open to what the other person is saying and try not to jump to conclusions.

Allousa,

Your situation is NOT the situation of many of the people on the boards. You have a relationship born in the USA with someone who was already familiar with american culture , traditions and all and all was truly in love with you. He got stuck back home and in between, he created a baby with you. You have a real love story, karma or not, your love was bigger than the seperation.

As hard as it is for any of us to fathom or deal with, there is a high level of fraud going through several mena countries which is why there is such a horrific level of visa fraud and ridiculous APs. The consulates know something that maybe none of us want to deal with and admit. People will feign love and affection to get into this country, take advantage of vulnerable lonely people, entire families have been in on it ( read some of last weeks posts) In light of the high level of marriage fraud perpetrated on Americans and many westerners, the importance of posts like this and forums like this is to have dialog and talk through things. Does this mean that everyone experiences this? No. Is this subject constantly surpressed? Yes. To admit that it takes place somehow demeans people from these countries. You have to look at statistics and the behavior or certain consulates. Without a high preponderance of fraud, the consulates would not be taking the action that they are.

The important thing is to offer the most postive suggestions you can without dismissing the genuine fears and concerns of the poster. To tell them that its all "stress" or adjustment issues on the part of the sponsored person is pure bunk to. This is placing blame on the petitioner that somehow if she made her home more welcoming or was helping him adjust better, that he would behave himself better. There is a level of what we should expect of them to. We should expect them to help us around the house. To help us with bills. For them to get a job when they get their work permit. To help with cooking and household things... No one would cut an American woman slack if we moved over there. We would be cooking cous cous and cooking lamb. Yet somehow everyone is advocating the sponsor to put up with ludricrous behavior. The men coming over here are adults and depressed or not, when you are married you need to be nice to your spouse and kind. Depression is NOT AN EXCUSE for not being loving , helpful and supportive. Thats a bunch of bunk. There are people drowning every trying to go to spain washing up with bloated bodies alll across the shores of North Africa , dying to be in a free market economy . These women that sponsored these men went through hell to get them here , some of them.... and thousands in phone bills and plane tickets etc... At least depressed or not , the guy can be kind to Terrie. This depression stuff is a bunch of bunk.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

If she is to the point that she is coming to the boards to talk about things,something is terribly wrong.I personally think based on what shes said that she needs to tell him that she wants counseling and start scheduling it.We here at vj as well meaning as we want to be are not licenced family therapists.....if hes using her,he sure as hell wont want to work on their marriage...She'll get her answers right there.

I really try my best to not get embroiled in these "back and forth" comments....but I read your previous post telling the OP that telling everyone about it wasn't helping and then your comment above. Have you not yourself made VOLUMES of posts talking about the specifics of your past, present and future relationships. You are absolutely entitled to your opinion, but what concerns me is your push to alienate these SOs in a malicious manner, when you may not have personal knowledge of the situation. I know that I wouldn't want on my shoulders or karma, the demise of a relationship based on something I advised someone to do.

It's very easy to feed into the doubts and fears that some posters say about SOs using a person for the GC. But that is NOT EVERY RELATIONSHIP. A marriage is hard work and a bi-cultural relationship/marriage is even harder. But people coming to this site everyday and reading some of these posts....if you are looking for negativity...your going to find it.

If a woman/man is honest with themselves...alot of signs are going to be there prior to an SO ever getting to the U.S. My husband lived several years in the States before he got stuck in Morocco for 4 years and now that he is back, we are both having adjustments. It's not all him either...some of it's me. My best advice is to be honest with each other about what you are feeling but be open to what the other person is saying and try not to jump to conclusions.

I agree so much its a lot of work making a marriage work and the bi-cultural aspect really adds to this. We don't know others true intentions

No we dont . They sure would not put up with this ####### if we all lived overseas. We would all be cooking lamb and rolling cous cous and going to the hamam and dealing with things. This country is not a damn day care. These guys have some responsibility to the women that sponsored them to. Being polite , kind , helpful and respectful is not too much to ask. What about the Sponsors depression issues? If she doesnt hear I love you and feels like she is married to a sullen child? Where is the responsibility to her? What about the sponsees obligation to reimburse her for immigration fees and to be a part of a family, helping and providing. All this coddling is just silly. These guys have responsibility to their wives too. Maybe if that was ingrained in them when they got here , about adjusting to American life and bucking up and standing up for things, these women would not be in this emotional state.

[sara..... 371]

well im going to dive into this one no matter what happens ........and yup it is not the same as a married person going thru it but here goes..........

when we moved to pakistan the first two or three months was great.....it was fun to see and do different things but when it got past six months

all of us became sort of with drawn and crabby........why?

every time someone in our family would have a birthday that was not with us it made us sad..........we missed our friends back home.....we missed some of the life we had back home........its hard to adjust to a new life.......after four years when we came back to the USA we went thru the same thing because we had family there that we missed........there was also part of our family there that we would miss the holidays ......different things that we would do that were special.......friends we had made in pakistan as well........its difficult to adjust to a life away from people that have been ur friends and family.....and u do get with drawn and u do get angry........and sometimes ur depressed.........yes yes i know its not the same but in away it is because its still going thru some of the same feelings he is probably going thru......it does not mean its right for him to be rude or with drawn but we know it happens cuz we went thru it our selfs ........anyway thats what i think about it and i would not be fast to jump to the conclusion that he was doing something that was not right.......