If you're thinking of marrying: Part I

[bounrith 0]

www.dennisprager.com

If you're thinking of marrying: Part I

Decades of radio counseling, personal experience, and public and private discussions about marriage prompt me to write this list of questions for anyone contemplating marriage.

1. Is the person your best friend or at least becoming so?

It is easy to find a lover. It is easy to get excited about a new person. But if you cannot say that the person you are considering marrying has become or is becoming your best friend, you need to figure out why before you decide to marry. This is probably the single most overlooked question among couples, especially young ones.

And for good reason. Many people cannot not answer this in the affirmative. But you have to answer it. Over time, friendship is the greatest bond between a couple. If the person you marry does not become your best friend, you will either seek someone who will be or simply drift apart.

What is a best friend? Someone you can and do tell just about everything to. Someone you want to be with as much as possible. And someone you need. One of the most devastating ideas of the last generation was that needing or depending upon another person is a sign of weakness. The opposite is true. The inability to need is a sign of weakness -- you are afraid to relinquish power or afraid to be hurt.

2. Aside from sex, do you enjoy each other?

As great as the sex may be (and great sex certainly adds to a marriage), even Hugh Hefner spends the vast majority of time doing other things. You must enjoy this person during those hours. This sounds trite, but enjoying each other may actually be the single most important characteristic of a happy marriage.

3. Is there chemistry between the two of you?

As essential as being best friends and enjoying each other are, there should be a physical component to your relationship. Dating for marriage is not an interview for a platonic best friend. Nearly always, a woman who dates a man who meets the criteria listed here can grow to find him sexually attractive. If that were not the case, the majority of men would never attract a woman. There are very few men who turn heads. Most men become physically attractive to a woman thanks to other, masculine, qualities that they possess.

Even for men it is common to find a woman physically attractive over time. In my late 20s, I directed a summer institute for men and women ages 19-25. After the first two summers, I began to play a game with myself. On the first night of the session, I made a mental note of which women I thought the most attractive and compared that list to one I made after the four weeks. The names on the latter list were rarely on the first-night list.

Nevertheless, if there is insufficient physical attraction after all other criteria are met and time has passed, you may be in the tragic position of having to end a relationship with a great man or woman.

4. Does the person have a number of good friends and at least one very close friend of the same sex?

It is a bad sign if the person you are thinking of marrying does not have good friends (including of long duration) of the same sex. Something is very wrong. This alone should rule out the person from consideration. A woman who cannot hold female friends and a man who cannot hold male friends have issues that will probably sink your marriage.

5. How does the person treat others?

It should go without saying that if the person is not kind to you, quit while you can. But it is far from sufficient that the person you are considering marrying treats you kindly. Watch how he or she treats waitresses, employees, family members and anyone else he/she comes into contact with. I promise you how the person treats others now is how this person will treat you later.

If these questions and the ones I will pose in Part II are answered honestly and help determine your decision, your chances of entering a happy marriage or avoiding an unhappy one are dramatically increased.

Good luck.

You'll need that, too.

[Jenn! 918]

It is a bad sign if the person you are thinking of marrying does not have good friends (including of long duration) of the same sex. Something is very wrong. This alone should rule out the person from consideration. A woman who cannot hold female friends and a man who cannot hold male friends have issues that will probably sink your marriage.

I found this interesting. While I personally have more female friends, and my husband male friends, I don't understand why this is an indicator that "something is very wrong".

[nane1104 146]

My marriage is only based on sex....

THat's why we don't face any ordinary marriage trouble

But seriously...good post!

Edited March 28, 2008 by nane1104

[bounrith 0]

It is a bad sign if the person you are thinking of marrying does not have good friends (including of long duration) of the same sex. Something is very wrong. This alone should rule out the person from consideration. A woman who cannot hold female friends and a man who cannot hold male friends have issues that will probably sink your marriage.

I found this interesting. While I personally have more female friends, and my husband male friends, I don't understand why this is an indicator that "something is very wrong".

I think it is an indicator because I believe it goes straight to the core differences between males and females. A woman who hold only male friends, may have some insecurities or may be on a drive that make it hard to live with.

[SteveLaura 0]

I was in a relationship with a girl who had very few female friends. In fact, most women seemed to dislike her (including my female friends). I thought it was jealousy at first as she was quite attractive, but it became clearer as the relationship developed that it was more than that. She had low self-esteem and felt that her looks were the only good thing about her. Because of that, she felt much more able to talk and make friends with men (flirting - even in front of me) and yet had nothing to offer to other women. She got counselling, but it didn't save the relationship.

It was certainly a flag for me from then on, although I wouldn't go as far to say that women with few female friends share the same issues as she did.

[bounrith 0]

Part II

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=118645

[amiquechu 0]

This is kind of funny. It seems like all the women I dated that I liked from my college years up until I met Erika had major issues with usually three or four of the five. The one that was almost always an issue was the "I'm afraid of getting hurt again, so I'm going to be a cold-### c**t" problem. It was just the women I ended up dating, but for a while I had it in my head that it was "American women" and their attitudes. The first time I went to Peru was with a friend of mine who was from there and now living in the US. I told him before we went to not be surprised if I found me a wife when we went there for our two-week trip, since I was so sick of American women . Plus, I had heard Latin women are very passionate and dedicated to the relationship that they're in. Sounded good to me. I met Erika and the rest is history. Our relationship passes all five with flying colors. Erika kicks ###!

Good post bounrith

[melusine 5]

yes good post !

I think everyone should wonder about thoses questions

We did a project together wich was that we both bught the same book called 1001 questions to ask before getting married (we called it the pink book (the cover is soo pink)). Anyway, this one or another one and we patiently went through it all, talking religion, kids, education, sex, ex's, money etc....

Pages after pages, night after night, weeks after weeks.

It was nice to actually take the time to do it together, we learned things, debated things etc...was fun as long as there is a lot of respect both sides.

I would then also suggest it to everyone (this one or another same kinda book) as long as you both think it would be fun.

[Y's_habibitk 2]

I was in a relationship with a girl who had very few female friends. In fact, most women seemed to dislike her (including my female friends). I thought it was jealousy at first as she was quite attractive, but it became clearer as the relationship developed that it was more than that. She had low self-esteem and felt that her looks were the only good thing about her. Because of that, she felt much more able to talk and make friends with men (flirting - even in front of me) and yet had nothing to offer to other women. She got counselling, but it didn't save the relationship.

It was certainly a flag for me from then on, although I wouldn't go as far to say that women with few female friends share the same issues as she did.

I agree and this would be the "something is very wrong" part. I have seen this senario so many times with girls I knew, and even myself in my early 20's. I always had 1 female friend and a gizillion male friends.

Some women are jealous and alienate others.. but what I have learned is... the ones that have all male friends are the ones who are jealous.. they dont want any competition around.

If you are the only woman in a crowd of men, you will get all the attention.. duh! lol

And I wouldnt want to be married to an attention wh*re. male or female.

So, yes.. I see that this would be a big red flag

Let me add.. before ppl take offense: Some women just get along better with men.

Lisa

Edited March 28, 2008 by Y_habibitk

[one...two...tree 2,762]

It is a bad sign if the person you are thinking of marrying does not have good friends (including of long duration) of the same sex. Something is very wrong. This alone should rule out the person from consideration. A woman who cannot hold female friends and a man who cannot hold male friends have issues that will probably sink your marriage.

I found this interesting. While I personally have more female friends, and my husband male friends, I don't understand why this is an indicator that "something is very wrong".

I think it is an indicator because I believe it goes straight to the core differences between males and females. A woman who hold only male friends, may have some insecurities or may be on a drive that make it hard to live with.

Interesting.

[sj5 4]

very interesting~

Edited March 28, 2008 by SJ

[Dr. Obvious 49]

My husband is my best friend, so I win.

[SnowyTater 0]

No one let my fiance read #4 I guess

*crawls under a rock to die*