Rants of an alien spouse

[Todd-Leah 0]

We are at the first stage of our visa process, USC husband just filed the I-130, but I am already feeling like giving up.

I downloaded the forms from USCIS website, filled up the I-130 and G-325A, put a sticky note at where he supposed to put down his signature, double checked everything before mailing them to him by snail mail. After two months of constant reminders, he finally mailed them out to USCIS on Mar 15 2008.

He just received the NOA1 in the mail today and sent me a scanned copy. I saw my name on the NOA I-797C was wrong! It was my husband's mistake. He somehow mixed up the forms that I mailed to him and the a copy that he filled up earlier with the wrong name. Don't ask me how that could happen!

I have done everything required on my part, gathering all the documents required from me for the next stage of the process, and I am waiting to send them out as soon as we get the next NOA. But, he is taking his time to gather the documents for the I-864 and doesn't seem to have a clue of what he is supposed to do, even though I have forwarded all the guides from this forum and USCIS website to him. He hasn't looked at them!!!

He wants me to visit next month and is looking for an apartment for us to move into (he lived with his cousins since he moved back there last year). In fact, I have started all the preparations to move gradually since we decided to start the migration last Nov, I have sold the brick and mortal business that I used to run and is working mostly online right now. I have also sold some of the furniture, getting ready to rent out the house and sell the car so that I can move back to my parents for a few weeks before leaving to visit him next month.

I have doubt about my decision and my future life in the States right now. Should I even bother to proceed with this long and winding journey with little support from him? I guess my discontentment started when I see what others are doing for their SOs on this forum and felt that I am being taken for granted.

At the same time, I have been offered a job with an ex-employer (left 9 years ago) that required me to relocate to another city, I am tempted to take up. The reason for that: I felt that I am embarking on a lonely journey without a companion, and having a new career will keep me occupied while my husband put his acts together.

I know this is a marriage problem, not a visa problem, and I don't really know what answers I am looking for. But, thank you for a place to rant.

[raymaga 25]

I know I personally couldn't have done the whole process without the help and support of my husband (fiance at the time). He did his fair share of the paperwork and gathering of documents. He even spent a lot of time online doing research and then we'd share what we both found out.

I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband about his casual attitude. Tell him how you feel and that you are having doubts about even finishing the whole process.

You may as well know if this is what you really want before you waste all your time, energy and money on somebody who is never going to be there for you.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Credzba 0]

I think you (every woman) deserves someone who will do anything for them.

This person does not see how important you are to him, then you should find a replacement before you spend years with a bad relationship.

I am griping about this person without knowing him, and I realize that isn't fair.

I just know what I did for my wife, and it came down to doing everything, including contacting my senator to try to get her with me sooner.

Be careful. You don't want to leave a good person who made a mistake, but you also dont want to spend good years of your life with someone who doesn't appreciate you.

thats my opinion

[Captain Oates 911]

Moving to the U.S. is not easy - either practically or emotionally. The set up here is tough and deliberately so - it's for pioneers really. Tough hard people who want to make money or die trying.

Tax is tough, health care is tough, property tax is tough, insurance is tough and guns are available over the counter

I know both sides of it now on and off for 4 years and certainly from a European standpoint, it isn't worth doing except to do it to be with your spouse. If your bond is shaky then you would end up with the more than 50% of emigrants who eventually return home...

Everyone here is scared silly about the small print in all their financial dealings and they could be beggared at any moment by legal actions or tornados or earthquakes or hurricanes. There is no such thing as the 'unfair contract terms act' etc where commercial contracts can be put aside for being too sharp - it's the quick and the dead. It makes for a vibrant economy but the human cost is awful - people are reduced from 'very comfortable' to a homeless hostel if they have a bad illness with an inadequate insurance.

Mitt Romney says the U.S. is 'the finest country that ever existed in the history of the world' and everyone here believes it and most of us from outside believe it as we have been told it so often. The truth is that most Americans have a really tough time making it from the cradle to the grave and it's only their national pride and 'gaaaaard' that keeps them going. Easy street it is not and there is more to it than grease and elvis and big cars. The deer hunter is more like it.

Make sure your guy is what you 'must have' because the price is not worth it otherwise

[MsZ 6]

I really don't think this is the right forum for relationship advice. Sorry. There are plenty of places for it though. You've got to follow your common sense and your heart.

[Captain Oates 911]

I really don't think this is the right forum for relationship advice. Sorry. There are plenty of places for it though. You've got to follow your common sense and your heart.

You are right - wrong forum - the poster seems to be sensible though and has it figured I reckon

[N360 0]

Sorry to hear about all this. This process will test the best of us. You probably know this already but you need to have a serious talk with hubby. Because the paper woks you guys just went through is nothing when you get to the NVC or consular process. Good luck!

[Todd-Leah 0]

It was an emo post when one is upset. Sorry for the inappropriate marital rants on a visa forum. It feels much better after the purging. I am ready to talk, calmly, without pouring all the negative emotions on the clueless man!

Leah

[Leedah 22]

there is nothing wrong with sharing. Folks, why do we have to police e.v.e.r.y. single word a person says on this forum. If she wants to vent and asks for advice, and someone answers WITH that advice...BIG DEAL. We have enough ####### to worry about with USCIS than to start "policing" the masses.

Come on folks, slow your roles.

For the "citizen police"...

I'm LEEDAH (write it down to flame me at your convenience if you like. lol)

Leave the unsuspecting people alone.

[Captain Oates 911]

there is nothing wrong with sharing. Folks, why do we have to police e.v.e.r.y. single word a person says on this forum. If she wants to vent and asks for advice, and someone answers WITH that advice...BIG DEAL. We have enough ####### to worry about with USCIS than to start "policing" the masses.

Come on folks, slow your roles.

For the "citizen police"...

I'm LEEDAH (write it down to flame me at your convenience if you like. lol)

Leave the unsuspecting people alone.

Is that Gary Glitter (Leedah of the gang, I am, I am). Just joking. It's easy to get off topic and I do it all the time, but it's no big deal I agree. Anyway she seems fine and has got over the wobble - so all's well that ends well.

Onwards to the next wobble for all of us, until one day the wobble is too big and we die of it and that puts the previous wobbles in perspective - not that we are going to regret anything as we sit on god's right hand for eternity (god's right hand must be a bit knobbly after all these trillions of years so there is something to worry about)

[stuck_in_manila 0]

leah:)

i know you're done ranting, but just so you know, we're in the exact same boat.

well, that's stretching the truth a bit. my husband did file the correct forms and all. but, I did all the legwork (research, filling out the forms that the hubby will sign and stuff). when I discovered this site, I was a bit amused coz some of the husbands here are doing exactly what I'm doing for my baby.

Bottomline is, I feel that each of us has different strengths and weaknesses. I guess in the relationship I'm in, I'm the more patient partner and I have more free time, or that I make more time! he he he

that or I'm still too much in love not to vent my frustration caused by the overly-tedious-petition-process on my poor hubby, who may have wittingly or unwittingly failed to, quoting CREZDBA, "do anything for the partner."

sue

Edited March 27, 2008 by ed_and_sue

[kitty loves moudi 0]

We are at the first stage of our visa process, USC husband just filed the I-130, but I am already feeling like giving up.

I downloaded the forms from USCIS website, filled up the I-130 and G-325A, put a sticky note at where he supposed to put down his signature, double checked everything before mailing them to him by snail mail. After two months of constant reminders, he finally mailed them out to USCIS on Mar 15 2008.

He just received the NOA1 in the mail today and sent me a scanned copy. I saw my name on the NOA I-797C was wrong! It was my husband's mistake. He somehow mixed up the forms that I mailed to him and the a copy that he filled up earlier with the wrong name. Don't ask me how that could happen!

I have done everything required on my part, gathering all the documents required from me for the next stage of the process, and I am waiting to send them out as soon as we get the next NOA. But, he is taking his time to gather the documents for the I-864 and doesn't seem to have a clue of what he is supposed to do, even though I have forwarded all the guides from this forum and USCIS website to him. He hasn't looked at them!!!

He wants me to visit next month and is looking for an apartment for us to move into (he lived with his cousins since he moved back there last year). In fact, I have started all the preparations to move gradually since we decided to start the migration last Nov, I have sold the brick and mortal business that I used to run and is working mostly online right now. I have also sold some of the furniture, getting ready to rent out the house and sell the car so that I can move back to my parents for a few weeks before leaving to visit him next month.

I have doubt about my decision and my future life in the States right now. Should I even bother to proceed with this long and winding journey with little support from him? I guess my discontentment started when I see what others are doing for their SOs on this forum and felt that I am being taken for granted.

At the same time, I have been offered a job with an ex-employer (left 9 years ago) that required me to relocate to another city, I am tempted to take up. The reason for that: I felt that I am embarking on a lonely journey without a companion, and having a new career will keep me occupied while my husband put his acts together.

I know this is a marriage problem, not a visa problem, and I don't really know what answers I am looking for. But, thank you for a place to rant.

Hi Leah.. Before saying anything else I want to bring to your attention something, since you are in the immigration process, it may be detrimental to your case if you enter the usa. I'd seriously do some research on this. I happened to have read about this before where posters were already affected negatively. Don't just take my words, but do the research yourself and know if this applies to your situation. You mentioned being surprised at husbands doing the paperwork process for their wives.. I am in the thought that the 'petitioner' should be the one to petition for their spouse and it not being a gender sort of thing. I was surprised when I found VJ that infact, many beneficiaries are very involved and some like yourself are doing all of it. While it would be so good to have that support, some ppl are not equipped for this so in a marriage each has strengths and weaknesses.. paperwork might be your strength and his weakness. Think about his strengths.. see if you two would be balanced or not and if you can accept this.

Edited March 27, 2008 by kitty loves moudi

[Nutty 2]

Don't feel badly about posting.

It is ok to consider the options you have...

My feeling is that since your situation is fairly good in Malaysia, why can't your husband move to live with you there. I have been to Malaysia and think it is a nice country and would not mind living there myself.

One thing is for sure....it takes about a year or more for you to do all the immigration process. From start to finish. It is costly also. And when you come to USA, you will have to start a new life here. It is hard to do and does take some time (3 to 5 years) to put down "roots" in this country.

I say this from experience. I sponsored my first husband to come to USA and it took a while to get a job, new circle of friends, etc...etc. for him.

[Captain Oates 911]

Don't feel badly about posting.

It is ok to consider the options you have...

My feeling is that since your situation is fairly good in Malaysia, why can't your husband move to live with you there. I have been to Malaysia and think it is a nice country and would not mind living there myself.

One thing is for sure....it takes about a year or more for you to do all the immigration process. From start to finish. It is costly also. And when you come to USA, you will have to start a new life here. It is hard to do and does take some time (3 to 5 years) to put down "roots" in this country.

I say this from experience. I sponsored my first husband to come to USA and it took a while to get a job, new circle of friends, etc...etc. for him.

Also this equality business and 'wimmin ' flying planes and driving big SUV's takes some getting used to...

and 'wimmin' are allowed to shout at their men and demean them and to be dominant - until you discover fishing/motorbiking it can be a problem

It was hard enough coming from England where only mother in laws do it on the one day they are allowed near el rancho, but it must be awful for people coming from countries where 'wimmin' are only equal and not in charge of everything and encouraged to shout and berate and tub thump

Once a man has learned to accept his new status (nil) and his new waistline, it isn't so bad

[WantingMyHubby 0]

Hi Leah.. Before saying anything else I want to bring to your attention something, since you are in the immigration process, it may be detrimental to your case if you enter the usa. I'd seriously do some research on this. I happened to have read about this before where posters were already affected negatively. Don't just take my words, but do the research yourself and know if this applies to your situation. You mentioned being surprised at husbands doing the paperwork process for their wives.. I am in the thought that the 'petitioner' should be the one to petition for their spouse and it not being a gender sort of thing. I was surprised when I found VJ that infact, many beneficiaries are very involved and some like yourself are doing all of it. While it would be so good to have that support, some ppl are not equipped for this so in a marriage each has strengths and weaknesses.. paperwork might be your strength and his weakness. Think about his strengths.. see if you two would be balanced or not and if you can accept this.

I agree I'm the foreign spouse (wife) and have done the majority of the research myself. While it can be frustrating sometimes when my hubby isn't nearly as knowledgeable about this process as I am, I know him like the back of my hand...and I know that it's not because he doesn't want me there as much as I want to BE there, I'm just the more patient and paperwork-oriented one. He puts forth a lot of effort and we balance each other well. Trust me, it's frustrating to wait while he gathers the documents for the I-130...but I trust him and am relying HEAVILY on my patience to get through this.

Just keep your communication open and honest throughout the process...don't worry Leah, you're not alone!

Sorry for continuing the off-topic topic!