Double Standards

[Y's_habibitk 2]

Weirdness. I eat at a Middle Eastern restaurant quite frequently and have gotten to know the men that work there. They're off-the-boat types. I always wondered why they would talk to me but avert their eyes and seem kind of...flat? dispassionate? with their tone of speech. No smiling or anything like that. From a Western perspective, it's just *odd* to have someone who seems genuinely interested in you (I'm always fielding questions about my job, my studies, and my family) but their body language just doesn't match their words.

Except for this one younger guy WHO IS ALWAYS HITTING ON ME. I swear to god, he was hitting on me right in front of my husband! I wonder if it's because I assumed that his behavior was due to shy-ness and thus tried to get him to open up a bit more by being more "open" with my body language?

The more you know!

LOL! Sounds like the older men are respecting you Sounds like the younger one is not To hit on a girl is unacceptable and especially in front of her husband.

Uh huh

[brnidokiegurl 0]

?????? What is this about??

.....his family witnessed him do several things to me when I was there that I think looking back were really off...It was very extreme but his family accepted it as normal...

then why did u accept it also, did you not speak up and show your concerns at that time sounds like you are allowing this behavoir. I understand respect for the family that you are visiting but a few times i crossed paths with (the family wants.....) situation and just had to speak up

to me?...i was just asking her why if she can acknowledge this happening did she speak up at the time that his family was witnessing this behavior

I think because of past failures, I am trying alot harder than normal to make things work and to allow for adjustments. I am kind of depressed right now over a couple of things that transpired and I do not think the pregnancy is making things much easier for me. I really crave a high level of stability and normalcy and unfortunately I may have walked into more of an unstable family situation than I bargained for ( complicated inter family relationships.. drama etc. ) I can personally say that there were things that happened on my last trip that made me really sad and I am just kind of sad right now thinking about them. Speaking up is a lot harder than you think when you are trying really hard to make things work and you have been seperated your whole marriage by immigration. This process has done so much damage to us as well

If you are having all these doubts and he isn't even here yet I would be worried too. I know while I was waiting i didn't have a single doubt. Love is blind sometimes but it sounds to me that you are past the blind stage if you have all these worries now. before you bring him here and you do have control over your life you better think long and hard before you complete this process.

You have spent FIVE months seperated . What the hell do you know about what people in MENA go through to be with their spouses? I am here to hear from them. You are on our boards saying all American women are sluts and we like to sleep with other peoples husbands. I have been in the immigration process since January 2007 and he is still not here. I am also in a high risk pregnancy and am already depressed to a level you cannot imagine. This process has torn me limb from limb and the seperation during this pregnancy has endangered my life. Yes, there are things that are making me very unhappy right now but for the life of me , there is NO WAY you could imagine what the MENA people go through as far as seperation and the trauma it causes even very healthy relationships

hope u were addressing the other person because i prob been on here longer than u, after one returneed K1 (see now that u prob were) pass the strawberry pie

Edited March 28, 2008 by brnidokiegurl

[hopeful... 0]

I know you mean well...But most of us have to stay here to maintain the burden of DOMICILE and financial ability (affidavit of support) for the visa process to begin with.

You can't live abroad and file a petition for CR-1 or IR-1 visa.

Not sure if I read this correctly, but I did live abroad with my husband and filed for the CR-1/IR-1 visa. I'm not suggesting everyone do that, however, but it is possible.

As for the original topic of "double standards" which seems to have gotten lost somewhere, I cannot understand why so many women are so willing to just hand over their power (as human beings) to another human being (i.e. their spouses or fiances). It seems as if too many women (and not just on a MENA forum, but in general) equate control with "being romantic." It's as if the thought process is, " He loves me SOOO much that he can't even stand the thought of my eyes on another man. Isn't that sweet?" IMO that is sheer lunacy. When a man (or woman for that matter) is jealous, especially "irrationally jealous" as stated in the original post, it makes me wonder for what reason would anyone want/desire to sign up for a lifetime of attempted control? I have a lot of male friends, some since my childhood, others since high school, college, or career. These friends add a lot of joy to my life and we share some important common interests (especially sports) that I don't share with most of my female friends. If my husband had ever dreamed of telling me to lose them, he would have had to find a different woman. And, let's be realistic. ALL men notice other women and ALL women notice other men. It doesn't mean they are going to cheat or behave inappropriately or that they are considering what it would be like to have that person instead of who they already have. It simply means they have eyes, they are alive, and they can appreciate beauty. I believe that if a relationship is secure (and both individuals are secure), jealousy is hardly a factor.

[nana_356 0]

Just because we are marrried that does not mean that we become robots, we are all human. When mena men come to the US, they will get an eye-full from watching music videos. And Ill be honest if I see I nice looking piece of man meat, I am gonna take a peak. We are human.

[Ban Hammer 13,110]

I know you mean well...But most of us have to stay here to maintain the burden of DOMICILE and financial ability (affidavit of support) for the visa process to begin with.

You can't live abroad and file a petition for CR-1 or IR-1 visa.

Not sure if I read this correctly, but I did live abroad with my husband and filed for the CR-1/IR-1 visa. I'm not suggesting everyone do that, however, but it is possible.

As for the original topic of "double standards" which seems to have gotten lost somewhere, I cannot understand why so many women are so willing to just hand over their power (as human beings) to another human being (i.e. their spouses or fiances). It seems as if too many women (and not just on a MENA forum, but in general) equate control with "being romantic." It's as if the thought process is, " He loves me SOOO much that he can't even stand the thought of my eyes on another man. Isn't that sweet?" IMO that is sheer lunacy. When a man (or woman for that matter) is jealous, especially "irrationally jealous" as stated in the original post, it makes me wonder for what reason would anyone want/desire to sign up for a lifetime of attempted control? I have a lot of male friends, some since my childhood, others since high school, college, or career. These friends add a lot of joy to my life and we share some important common interests (especially sports) that I don't share with most of my female friends. If my husband had ever dreamed of telling me to lose them, he would have had to find a different woman. And, let's be realistic. ALL men notice other women and ALL women notice other men. It doesn't mean they are going to cheat or behave inappropriately or that they are considering what it would be like to have that person instead of who they already have. It simply means they have eyes, they are alive, and they can appreciate beauty. I believe that if a relationship is secure (and both individuals are secure), jealousy is hardly a factor.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Just because we are marrried that does not mean that we become robots, we are all human. When mena men come to the US, they will get an eye-full from watching music videos. And Ill be honest if I see I nice looking piece of man meat, I am gonna take a peak. We are human.

man meat loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooolllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

[~Jackie~ 30]

man meat I saw that video.

[MelindaandTarek 0]

man meat I saw that video.

oh thank goodnesss. I thought I was the only one

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

well

I know you mean well...But most of us have to stay here to maintain the burden of DOMICILE and financial ability (affidavit of support) for the visa process to begin with.

You can't live abroad and file a petition for CR-1 or IR-1 visa.

Not sure if I read this correctly, but I did live abroad with my husband and filed for the CR-1/IR-1 visa. I'm not suggesting everyone do that, however, but it is possible.

As for the original topic of "double standards" which seems to have gotten lost somewhere, I cannot understand why so many women are so willing to just hand over their power (as human beings) to another human being (i.e. their spouses or fiances). It seems as if too many women (and not just on a MENA forum, but in general) equate control with "being romantic." It's as if the thought process is, " He loves me SOOO much that he can't even stand the thought of my eyes on another man. Isn't that sweet?" IMO that is sheer lunacy. When a man (or woman for that matter) is jealous, especially "irrationally jealous" as stated in the original post, it makes me wonder for what reason would anyone want/desire to sign up for a lifetime of attempted control? I have a lot of male friends, some since my childhood, others since high school, college, or career. These friends add a lot of joy to my life and we share some important common interests (especially sports) that I don't share with most of my female friends. If my husband had ever dreamed of telling me to lose them, he would have had to find a different woman. And, let's be realistic. ALL men notice other women and ALL women notice other men. It doesn't mean they are going to cheat or behave inappropriately or that they are considering what it would be like to have that person instead of who they already have. It simply means they have eyes, they are alive, and they can appreciate beauty. I believe that if a relationship is secure (and both individuals are secure), jealousy is hardly a factor.

Well good for you

I fell in love with a saharawi who's grandmother and great aunts wear the white burka with one eye looking out....He is from the sahara desert and has only traveled on a plane with ME..He is somewhat backwards,jealous and sometimes makes me crazy, but I didnt fall in love with a metrosexual open minded man...I fell in love with an ibadi muslim...a very strict man....he has loosened up ALOT for me...I just feel overwhelmed sometimes

Like EID,he and his brother were popping the eyeballs out of the sheeps head and popping them in their mouths...We had desert drummers at our wedding and all kinds of desert nomads..Its who he is ..I am horribly and insufferably in love with him.....I am having his baby and I love him more than the air I breathe....And no way would he tolerate me having male friends....its other stuff thats upsetting me now not .......Ill have to work through it alone....

[desert_fox 32]

I know you mean well...But most of us have to stay here to maintain the burden of DOMICILE and financial ability (affidavit of support) for the visa process to begin with.

You can't live abroad and file a petition for CR-1 or IR-1 visa.

Not sure if I read this correctly, but I did live abroad with my husband and filed for the CR-1/IR-1 visa. I'm not suggesting everyone do that, however, but it is possible.

As for the original topic of "double standards" which seems to have gotten lost somewhere, I cannot understand why so many women are so willing to just hand over their power (as human beings) to another human being (i.e. their spouses or fiances). It seems as if too many women (and not just on a MENA forum, but in general) equate control with "being romantic." It's as if the thought process is, " He loves me SOOO much that he can't even stand the thought of my eyes on another man. Isn't that sweet?" IMO that is sheer lunacy. When a man (or woman for that matter) is jealous, especially "irrationally jealous" as stated in the original post, it makes me wonder for what reason would anyone want/desire to sign up for a lifetime of attempted control? I have a lot of male friends, some since my childhood, others since high school, college, or career. These friends add a lot of joy to my life and we share some important common interests (especially sports) that I don't share with most of my female friends. If my husband had ever dreamed of telling me to lose them, he would have had to find a different woman. And, let's be realistic. ALL men notice other women and ALL women notice other men. It doesn't mean they are going to cheat or behave inappropriately or that they are considering what it would be like to have that person instead of who they already have. It simply means they have eyes, they are alive, and they can appreciate beauty. I believe that if a relationship is secure (and both individuals are secure), jealousy is hardly a factor.

great post!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Jenn! 918]

He is somewhat backwards,jealous and sometimes makes me crazy, but I didnt fall in love with a metrosexual open minded man....

Weirdness. I eat at a Middle Eastern restaurant quite frequently and have gotten to know the men that work there. They're off-the-boat types. I always wondered why they would talk to me but avert their eyes and seem kind of...flat? dispassionate? with their tone of speech. No smiling or anything like that. From a Western perspective, it's just *odd* to have someone who seems genuinely interested in you (I'm always fielding questions about my job, my studies, and my family) but their body language just doesn't match their words.

Except for this one younger guy WHO IS ALWAYS HITTING ON ME. I swear to god, he was hitting on me right in front of my husband! I wonder if it's because I assumed that his behavior was due to shy-ness and thus tried to get him to open up a bit more by being more "open" with my body language?

The more you know!

LOL! Sounds like the older men are respecting you Sounds like the younger one is not To hit on a girl is unacceptable and especially in front of her husband.

To hit on a girl is unacceptable? Ok, a married woman, yes. But....I mean, how did everyone meet their SO's?

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

He is somewhat backwards,jealous and sometimes makes me crazy, but I didnt fall in love with a metrosexual open minded man....

seriously....I have never met an arabic man who was truly in love with his wife that would be cool with her hanging out with men all the time.Maybe long term friends...but come on....Im in love with a muslim...How many husbands here would be ok with their wives ogling men and hanging out with them all the time...Oh hell no...Not if its a real marriage

[Jenn! 918]

He is somewhat backwards,jealous and sometimes makes me crazy, but I didnt fall in love with a metrosexual open minded man....

seriously....I have never met an arabic man who was truly in love with his wife that would be cool with her hanging out with men all the time.Maybe long term friends...but come on....Im in love with a muslim...How many husbands here would be ok with their wives ogling men and hanging out with them all the time...Oh hell no...Not if its a real marriage

Who said anything about ogling men? And do you know what metrosexual means because I don't understand how it's the opposite of being strict and closed-minded.

[Nasturtium 500]

To hit on a girl is unacceptable? Ok, a married woman, yes. But....I mean, how did everyone meet their SO's?

Probably doing something unacceptable it just depends on the culture and the religion though. Techincally Muslims (if we're discussing Muslims) should be "lowering their gaze." Obviously, that is harder than it sounds But mostly I was talking about that guy hitting on her and especially in front of her husband. There comes a point where I think that crosses most cultural and religious bounds.

Edited March 28, 2008 by julianna

[Nasturtium 500]

Who said anything about ogling men? And do you know what metrosexual means because I don't understand how it's the opposite of being strict and closed-minded.

The only thing I can think is that it would clash with the idea of modesty? I'm not sure either. But if you were pretty strict and sticking to Sunnah and whatnot I don't know that you'd make the metrosexual cut with highwaters and a beard...