Double Standards

[*JG* 2]

My husband used to have these strong pre-conceived notions about hating all gay people before he came to the US. Once he met my cousin, my friend, and a few people he works with, he has since realized they are people just like anyone else. I think he thought if the person was gay and a guy, he would have to fend the guy off or something. I kind of chuckle about it sometimes now.

He does say not to tell anyone back in Jamaica he has gay friends. That makes me kind of sad.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

.....his family witnessed him do several things to me when I was there that I think looking back were really off...It was very extreme but his family accepted it as normal...

then why did u accept it also, did you not speak up and show your concerns at that time sounds like you are allowing this behavoir. I understand respect for the family that you are visiting but a few times i crossed paths with (the family wants.....) situation and just had to speak up

[Nasturtium 500]

Weirdness. I eat at a Middle Eastern restaurant quite frequently and have gotten to know the men that work there. They're off-the-boat types. I always wondered why they would talk to me but avert their eyes and seem kind of...flat? dispassionate? with their tone of speech. No smiling or anything like that. From a Western perspective, it's just *odd* to have someone who seems genuinely interested in you (I'm always fielding questions about my job, my studies, and my family) but their body language just doesn't match their words.

Except for this one younger guy WHO IS ALWAYS HITTING ON ME. I swear to god, he was hitting on me right in front of my husband! I wonder if it's because I assumed that his behavior was due to shy-ness and thus tried to get him to open up a bit more by being more "open" with my body language?

The more you know!

LOL! Sounds like the older men are respecting you Sounds like the younger one is not To hit on a girl is unacceptable and especially in front of her husband.

[morocco4ever 63]

[

huh?! Meet any strong, indepent woman much?! I am thinking not so much...or it threatens ur manhood or u need to compensate for some parts that are, well, lacking to keep it rated G....

This just shows your ignorance of American culture....FYI..women here have jobs, are self supporting, make decisions and dont need a man in order to survive.

Dummy me!!!!! and I thought that true love was letting the other person be the person that they are...after all, that is what attracted them to you in the first place.

Okay this is just the craziest idea I have every heard. Do you mean to tell me (desert fox) that all american women here are self supporting and don't need a man to survive. I think your head is in the desert sand here. When I first got divorced I was appalled at the amount of american women out there fighting for a worthless piece of ####### american man just because he had a job and could support them. It made me both laugh and sick to my stomach. I vowed then and there that I would never be like these women, and I have succeeded. And yes, I am married to an Arab. I have neither compromised my self or my culture. You need to wake up.

Edited March 27, 2008 by morocco4ever

[Gaby&Talbert 1]

In a good relationship everything should be equal. My past experience has been that women take advantage of a nice guy. My wife being from another country never tries to take advantage of me. I have always been a giver not a taker and my wife is the same. We are always appreciative of each other and conscious of each others feelings. My ex wife who was american was manipulative and controling. She was very selfish and only cared about what she wanted. She never wanted to work when our children were born which was fine with me but as soon as I got home she said it was my turn to take care of the kids and she went out with her friends to have fun and party. She men guys and slept with some too. The happiest day of my life was when we were divorced, I felt like a new person. She left and the kids stayed with me. I stayed single for 8 years because I vowed I would never let someone treat me that way again. She has been horible ever since then until I got custody of one of our children and she lost some of her control. My wife now cannot believe the things my ex wife does and says to the children just to be in control even if it hurts the children. The child I have custody of was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes 6 months ago and I have paid all the medical bills and my ex has refused to pay for anything. We don't need the money and I have always paid my child support to her for the other two children she has custody of. They both would do anything to be with us but my ex said she would never let them live with us and I know it is a control thing for her and money. It would kill her if she lost the control and the money she gets from me.

I hope all American woman are not like her and I don't think they are but I see alot of American women with some of her character flaws.

If American women here have married a man from another culture I hope you were aware of the differences and accept your husbands as they are and not expect them to change. If you have made it clear to them how you are and they accepted that then you shouldn't have problems. Some of the women here have said they have changed the way they dress after marrying these men and I don't think this is a bad thing. Look how women dress here, it is too sexy. My wife won't wear anything too sexy not because I tell her not to but because she doesn't think it is appropriate. Sometimes I will buy her something a little too sexy and she will only wear it at home with me. I am lucky because I know my wife loves me and I trust her completely and have no reason to be jelious. I learned a long time ago that it is not worth being jelious, if your spouse is going to cheat on you it will happen no matter what you do to try and stop it. I have a daughter from my previous marriage that is learning many bad things from my ex wife. She sees her mom going out with other men while she was married. She sees her mom going through another divorce because she is tired of her current husband. She sees her mom scream and yell and her husband. I would give anything for my daughter to live with me and learn good values from my wife now but unfortunately my ex will not ever let this happen.

[a1angied 0]

The way I see things is that we are all humans and if we marry someone from a different culture and/or country that as long as we go into the relationship as a couple and want the best out of life and learn if they are from a different culture or religion that both of you learn about each others and find what is a balance.

If you don't go into the relationship with eyes wide open and find that things are not working, either work through it, leave, or live with it.

I read alot about American this, Arab that and all this is, is generlizations and the point that is being lost is that we are humans and unique, individuals just like fingerprints. When we develop our own attitudes, values and belief systems no two will be the same. That is what make us who we are.

You have to live in your skin and no one else does. If you choose to let someone tell you who you should be, what you should do, etc.. that is a personal choice and yes as an adult we all have choices to make and remember with each choice is a consequence weather it be good or bad, your choice and you live with it. That is why i love being a responsible adult, as I am able to live with my choices, right, wrong or indifferent.

Just my opinion and yes we all have them.

[morocco4ever 63]

In a good relationship everything should be equal. My past experience has been that women take advantage of a nice guy. My wife being from another country never tries to take advantage of me. I have always been a giver not a taker and my wife is the same. We are always appreciative of each other and conscious of each others feelings. My ex wife who was american was manipulative and controling. She was very selfish and only cared about what she wanted. She never wanted to work when our children were born which was fine with me but as soon as I got home she said it was my turn to take care of the kids and she went out with her friends to have fun and party. She men guys and slept with some too. The happiest day of my life was when we were divorced, I felt like a new person. She left and the kids stayed with me. I stayed single for 8 years because I vowed I would never let someone treat me that way again. She has been horible ever since then until I got custody of one of our children and she lost some of her control. My wife now cannot believe the things my ex wife does and says to the children just to be in control even if it hurts the children. The child I have custody of was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes 6 months ago and I have paid all the medical bills and my ex has refused to pay for anything. We don't need the money and I have always paid my child support to her for the other two children she has custody of. They both would do anything to be with us but my ex said she would never let them live with us and I know it is a control thing for her and money. It would kill her if she lost the control and the money she gets from me.

I hope all American woman are not like her and I don't think they are but I see alot of American women with some of her character flaws.

If American women here have married a man from another culture I hope you were aware of the differences and accept your husbands as they are and not expect them to change. If you have made it clear to them how you are and they accepted that then you shouldn't have problems. Some of the women here have said they have changed the way they dress after marrying these men and I don't think this is a bad thing. Look how women dress here, it is too sexy. My wife won't wear anything too sexy not because I tell her not to but because she doesn't think it is appropriate. Sometimes I will buy her something a little too sexy and she will only wear it at home with me. I am lucky because I know my wife loves me and I trust her completely and have no reason to be jelious. I learned a long time ago that it is not worth being jelious, if your spouse is going to cheat on you it will happen no matter what you do to try and stop it. I have a daughter from my previous marriage that is learning many bad things from my ex wife. She sees her mom going out with other men while she was married. She sees her mom going through another divorce because she is tired of her current husband. She sees her mom scream and yell and her husband. I would give anything for my daughter to live with me and learn good values from my wife now but unfortunately my ex will not ever let this happen.

Funny....your ex wife sounds similar to my ex husband. You can't say these traits are typical for american women, they aren't. This is based on the fact that you went into a relationship with your eyes closed..........same as I did the first time. As we say here time and time again, it isn't a culture, it also isn't based on the sex of a person, it is based on the fact that some people are good and some aren't. I have learned through past mistakes to take a good long look at the personality before I let my heart love again. It pays off, I know I made the right choice, as it sounds you have.

[sarahaziz 0]

Anytime wahrania I can understand how alot of people feel on this subject. I think when everyones spouse is actually ready to come you have all those fears about the past come back. Definitely talk to him so you can start a new life and erase the past. It's going to be so hard to forget that pain/resentment but I think comparing him to ####### men from here will make you appreciate him. I always tell my spouse if you EVER EVER change to modern values or ways, talking styles (disrespectfully) any views I really don't see how a successful marriage will be built. Of course he says he won't change when he's here bc "he's algerian if he comes to america he will be extra clean bc of surroundings" whatever when my french algerian uncle and aunts came overseas to USA I saw them change, get greedy, and you see another face. Actually it's not another face it's a face they're just showing more of. And some people they preserve their clean way of life from back home. I think the only way to stop those fears is to talk to the spouse and make all the rules clear to him before he comes. I've done that. You respect me I will respect you 10 times more.

As far as past arab bashing comments people are still going nuts about those. That's not for the good men who treat american women with respect. The past poster explaining if they share same beliefs and values and setting boundries of course that's going to be a successful marriage. But if a man isn't taking care of you when he comes emotionally, mentally, physically then he didn't come to USA to do the purpose of his relocation to USA. If people bash on americans or arabs about marriage, comming here whatever it is it's not to discourage marriage b/t people it's to speak about past experiences to help another. People get too defensive but they don't see pain behind someone elses past experiences and a sort of giving a warning sign to everybody else "just to look out". Apart from loving your partner, You shouldn't have to "look out" but hey evrything is accepted in USA and every country knows about America that's why they enjoy the mentality and freedom america offers. Just one of my thoughts.

[Nutty 2]

?????? What is this about??

.....his family witnessed him do several things to me when I was there that I think looking back were really off...It was very extreme but his family accepted it as normal...

then why did u accept it also, did you not speak up and show your concerns at that time sounds like you are allowing this behavoir. I understand respect for the family that you are visiting but a few times i crossed paths with (the family wants.....) situation and just had to speak up

[Nutty 2]

Seeing a transexual for the first time!!!!

Sitting in a tourist restuarant in Bangkok, three shemales came in and started sizing up my husband.

When I pointed out to him they were men who have changed to women, Abbas was very curious (trying to get a good look with being obvious) but also looked very concerned.

Strangely, in Esfahan, Iran...I saw a big fat man dressed as a woman shopping.

Come to find out the Ayatollah Homeini (founder of the Islamic Republic of Iran) said transgender people suffer from an illness and so should be allowed to have sex change operations.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

?????? What is this about??

.....his family witnessed him do several things to me when I was there that I think looking back were really off...It was very extreme but his family accepted it as normal...

then why did u accept it also, did you not speak up and show your concerns at that time sounds like you are allowing this behavoir. I understand respect for the family that you are visiting but a few times i crossed paths with (the family wants.....) situation and just had to speak up

to me?...i was just asking her why if she can acknowledge this happening did she speak up at the time that his family was witnessing this behavior

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

?????? What is this about??

.....his family witnessed him do several things to me when I was there that I think looking back were really off...It was very extreme but his family accepted it as normal...

then why did u accept it also, did you not speak up and show your concerns at that time sounds like you are allowing this behavoir. I understand respect for the family that you are visiting but a few times i crossed paths with (the family wants.....) situation and just had to speak up

to me?...i was just asking her why if she can acknowledge this happening did she speak up at the time that his family was witnessing this behavior

I think because of past failures, I am trying alot harder than normal to make things work and to allow for adjustments. I am kind of depressed right now over a couple of things that transpired and I do not think the pregnancy is making things much easier for me. I really crave a high level of stability and normalcy and unfortunately I may have walked into more of an unstable family situation than I bargained for ( complicated inter family relationships.. drama etc. ) I can personally say that there were things that happened on my last trip that made me really sad and I am just kind of sad right now thinking about them. Speaking up is a lot harder than you think when you are trying really hard to make things work and you have been seperated your whole marriage by immigration. This process has done so much damage to us as well

[brnidokiegurl 0]

i was married Nov 20 home Dec 1 so also seperated most of the time, not pregnant, two weeks wasnt much of a married time but we are manageing hope you can work it all out

[Gaby&Talbert 1]

?????? What is this about??

.....his family witnessed him do several things to me when I was there that I think looking back were really off...It was very extreme but his family accepted it as normal...

then why did u accept it also, did you not speak up and show your concerns at that time sounds like you are allowing this behavoir. I understand respect for the family that you are visiting but a few times i crossed paths with (the family wants.....) situation and just had to speak up

to me?...i was just asking her why if she can acknowledge this happening did she speak up at the time that his family was witnessing this behavior

I think because of past failures, I am trying alot harder than normal to make things work and to allow for adjustments. I am kind of depressed right now over a couple of things that transpired and I do not think the pregnancy is making things much easier for me. I really crave a high level of stability and normalcy and unfortunately I may have walked into more of an unstable family situation than I bargained for ( complicated inter family relationships.. drama etc. ) I can personally say that there were things that happened on my last trip that made me really sad and I am just kind of sad right now thinking about them. Speaking up is a lot harder than you think when you are trying really hard to make things work and you have been seperated your whole marriage by immigration. This process has done so much damage to us as well

If you are having all these doubts and he isn't even here yet I would be worried too. I know while I was waiting i didn't have a single doubt. Love is blind sometimes but it sounds to me that you are past the blind stage if you have all these worries now. before you bring him here and you do have control over your life you better think long and hard before you complete this process.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

?????? What is this about??

.....his family witnessed him do several things to me when I was there that I think looking back were really off...It was very extreme but his family accepted it as normal...

then why did u accept it also, did you not speak up and show your concerns at that time sounds like you are allowing this behavoir. I understand respect for the family that you are visiting but a few times i crossed paths with (the family wants.....) situation and just had to speak up

to me?...i was just asking her why if she can acknowledge this happening did she speak up at the time that his family was witnessing this behavior

I think because of past failures, I am trying alot harder than normal to make things work and to allow for adjustments. I am kind of depressed right now over a couple of things that transpired and I do not think the pregnancy is making things much easier for me. I really crave a high level of stability and normalcy and unfortunately I may have walked into more of an unstable family situation than I bargained for ( complicated inter family relationships.. drama etc. ) I can personally say that there were things that happened on my last trip that made me really sad and I am just kind of sad right now thinking about them. Speaking up is a lot harder than you think when you are trying really hard to make things work and you have been seperated your whole marriage by immigration. This process has done so much damage to us as well

If you are having all these doubts and he isn't even here yet I would be worried too. I know while I was waiting i didn't have a single doubt. Love is blind sometimes but it sounds to me that you are past the blind stage if you have all these worries now. before you bring him here and you do have control over your life you better think long and hard before you complete this process.

You have spent FIVE months seperated . What the hell do you know about what people in MENA go through to be with their spouses? I am here to hear from them. You are on our boards saying all American women are sluts and we like to sleep with other peoples husbands. I have been in the immigration process since January 2007 and he is still not here. I am also in a high risk pregnancy and am already depressed to a level you cannot imagine. This process has torn me limb from limb and the seperation during this pregnancy has endangered my life. Yes, there are things that are making me very unhappy right now but for the life of me , there is NO WAY you could imagine what the MENA people go through as far as seperation and the trauma it causes even very healthy relationships