Double Standards

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I have been facing a little bit of this over the last year. I am wondering if anyone else has.

I am not alllowed to talk to men except the ones I work with and family and certainly not have male friends anymore but it seems as if my husband talks freely to women, yet would never accept the same from me.

As much as it pains me, it seems as if a double standard exists in my relationship and it troubles me. He can go out with friends at night overseas and I am sure it will be the same here. But if I go out he wants one of my children with me. He doesn't want me chatting. I feel as if he can do what he wants and I am bound by another set of rules. I know he loves me. That is not the point. I just feel that he is open minded with everyone but me including other American women. He has met them and frankly tolerates all kinds of things in women in his home town but for me and his family oh heck no. I was not even able to hold a conversation with a man or laugh a little when I was in Algeria. I had to keep my eyes down. Have any of you experienced an extreme level of irrational jealousy on your husbands part about men you know, your dress or behavior?

I am opening myself up for a hell of alot of criticism but thats what VJ is about... talking about issues with mena spouses. I know he loves me. This has nothing to do with love. This has to do with culture. He is very hard on the girls in his family and his sister as well....Its not just me

[Ban Hammer 13,110]

i can't offer advice, since i'm a guy and that would violate his wishes that you don't talk to other men.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

I would say if you are willing to accept this behavoir then your fine, if not, will he ever lighten up when he gets here

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

i can't offer advice, since i'm a guy and that would violate his wishes that you don't talk to other men.

You are not a guy Charles.. You are a mena girl

[brnidokiegurl 0]

Charles isnt a guy

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I would say if you are willing to accept this behavoir then your fine, if not, will he ever lighten up when he gets here

He is going to have to. American society is just not set up like this. I understand because I saw other women pretty much sitting at home while their husbands sat outside and drank coffee and did what they want. The only women you saw out at night at restaurants were prostitutes.

Charles isnt a guy

Hes an honorary MENA GIRL

[sereia 0]

welcome to a marriage with a muslim man. i do face some of the things you mention (like not wanting me to have male friends, etc) but he does NOT have female friends and keeps his gaze down when he must talk to females, etc. so i wouldn't call my situation a double standard... but i've heard plenty of stories about other examples of double standards! hey even with non muslims!

american women are not YOU. YOU are his wife. you are held to a totally different standard than other women he might talk to. i wish you luck!

[sereia 0]

I would say if you are willing to accept this behavoir then your fine, if not, will he ever lighten up when he gets here

He is going to have to. American society is just not set up like this. I understand because I saw other women pretty much sitting at home while their husbands sat outside and drank coffee and did what they want. The only women you saw out at night at restaurants were prostitutes.

Charles isnt a guy

Hes an honorary MENA GIRL

don't bet on him changing because you think "he has to". that kind of behaviour has been ingrained in him and his culture and you should expect him NOT to change...but be happy if he does! its not cool to marry a guy because you think you can change him. but i also think its not cool for these guys to marry strong american women when they are so completely different.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

This is true all the coffee shops day and night are mostly men, but we do not live life like this here. He was subject to men at work, when shopping, repair ment so i guess u just need talk to him about this . Women here are very independent something else they wont be used to, most have been divorced and some with kids, they are more than able to take care of the house, the car and the bills all at the same time if need be ha

[KEK 0]

I would say if you are willing to accept this behavoir then your fine, if not, will he ever lighten up when he gets here

He is going to have to. American society is just not set up like this. I understand because I saw other women pretty much sitting at home while their husbands sat outside and drank coffee and did what they want. The only women you saw out at night at restaurants were prostitutes.

Charles isnt a guy

Hes an honorary MENA GIRL

Do you really think he would be willing to change once he comes over here?

Are you willing to accept that you might be held to a different standard than other American women, or that the double standard will continue between you and him?

Is he open to talking about these things?

Good luck

[Nasturtium 500]

Dh knows that I talk to men all teh time-- it's my job. I also work with them. He doesn't want me to touch them, but shaking hands is OK. I don't want to touch anyone, even to shake their hands Dh doesn't touch other women, and he talks to them-- because he works with them. I know in teh past he had female friends (cousins mostly) and he knows I had/have male friends-- but both of us keep our contact to a real minimum. So for us it'

s not done in the double-standard mode.

[ya falaha! 0]

Wahrania, did you not experience this with your MENA ex's?

Edited March 26, 2008 by moody

[sereia 0]

Wahrania, did you not experience this with your MENA ex's?

good question!

[aisha kandisha 0]

If you are to frame all of this from a traditional cultural perspective, the fact that he goes and talks to women freely is clearly hypocritical on his part and definitely a double-standard. I think the rest is not. He has higher expectations of "good" behavior from you than he does from other women in his neighborhood. I don't think this is unusual. I tolerate things in my neighbors I would not in my husband.

Clearly generalizing - but women laughing out on the street with men or going out at night unnecessarily are not highly thought of from people who hold more traditional values in the Middle East, as I am sure you know. He wants you out with your daughter so it will appear that whatever you are doing is not inappropriate. The difference is that here most people could give a ####### when their neighbors come and go.

[Ban Hammer 13,110]

Charles isnt a guy