MENA-One Visa Journey For the Book

[morocco4ever 63]

I think my husband read that about Condolezza Rice on Aljazeera.

But for you Olivia, we all here understand. What is really hard is when we have people on this board claiming to be well meaning, but in the next sentence tell us that our men are using us for a green card. The fact is yes it does happen, but there are also a lot of relationships that are real. You have already made a commitment with your husband, so unless there is strong evidence then it is just your own insecurities speaking.

The connection problem is the worst. When you finally have time to talk, and poof the connection is gone. Lets face it, we get frantic. One thing you have to remember is that not only you are frantic, but so is your husband. Don't forget that. He is doing his best.

As for when you confront him with your fears, and he either dissappears, or clams up. This is a normal male reaction, whether Arabic, or any other culture. It makes them mad that you have doubts and this is their natural way to deal with it. Us on the other hand feel the need to discuss the issues....NOW. The next time he does this just give him the time he needs. Then when everything is smoothed over just explain to him that this is just a normal woman reaction, and the added stress of being separated makes it that much worse for us. Then ask him if the next time you have your doubts and insecurities if he will just forget that it upset him and instead realize that all it is is a cry from you for the affection you need to hear from him. Tell him to stay calm rather than get mad, and reassure you how much he loves you. Afterall, isn't that really what you are hoping to hear from him?

Men don't understand the insecurities we as women have naturally. Not just that but we don't understand their normal reaction to our doubts. But given calm explanation and time we can both learn to handle each other.

[Elva and Ehab 0]

When I first met my SO I got a lot of remarks from people stating, "how can you trust someone from Egypt, who is muslim and maybe he justs wants a visa or how do you know he's not a terrist?" Believe me, I heard it all!!! I finally had to just trust my own instincts and not listen to those ugly words. Yes, I was cautious at first but as more time went by and I got to know my SO and his family more, I felt better. I prayed a lot too and asked God to give me insight, he did, and with that, I started to have peace of mind with it all. Don't listen to what people say, trust yourself and trust in God. If it's meant to be, it will all fall in place eventually.

I know its very hard to be separated, but this too shall pass, hang in there. Your in my thoughts and prayers. HUGS!!

[mohamed N melinda 0]

just have faith i know waiting is so hard but once u have great fiath in Allah and yourself and your husband i believe u can do it inshaAllah . just think of the day u will go to the airport to pick him how swwet and happy .

i pray for you that you will be with your hubby soon and Allah give you strength ameen

[mohamed N melinda 0]

and yeah trust your heart and love for him

[Imua 0]

I think my husband read that about Condolezza Rice on Aljazeera.

But for you Olivia, we all here understand. What is really hard is when we have people on this board claiming to be well meaning, but in the next sentence tell us that our men are using us for a green card. The fact is yes it does happen, but there are also a lot of relationships that are real. You have already made a commitment with your husband, so unless there is strong evidence then it is just your own insecurities speaking.

The connection problem is the worst. When you finally have time to talk, and poof the connection is gone. Lets face it, we get frantic. One thing you have to remember is that not only you are frantic, but so is your husband. Don't forget that. He is doing his best.

As for when you confront him with your fears, and he either dissappears, or clams up. This is a normal male reaction, whether Arabic, or any other culture. It makes them mad that you have doubts and this is their natural way to deal with it. Us on the other hand feel the need to discuss the issues....NOW. The next time he does this just give him the time he needs. Then when everything is smoothed over just explain to him that this is just a normal woman reaction, and the added stress of being separated makes it that much worse for us. Then ask him if the next time you have your doubts and insecurities if he will just forget that it upset him and instead realize that all it is is a cry from you for the affection you need to hear from him. Tell him to stay calm rather than get mad, and reassure you how much he loves you. Afterall, isn't that really what you are hoping to hear from him?

Men don't understand the insecurities we as women have naturally. Not just that but we don't understand their normal reaction to our doubts. But given calm explanation and time we can both learn to handle each other.

Excellent points - I will remember this. My hubby and I had a disagreement the other day and the power went out before we had a chance to work it out - he came online briefly yesterday just to reassure me before the power went out again. Tomorrow I will tell him just what you said so he realizes so much of my fears are a reaction to the stress of distance and communication problems and basically I just need to know that he loves me.

[a1angied 0]

You know that I had alot doubts because of things that I would read here and then think just because someone elses man did that then it must mean that my muslim husband must be the same, think the same and that is simply not true. I would ask all of these questions that would be negative and it only hurt our relationship. Distance and negativitiy will do this. I talked to him everyday a couple of times and was online with him atleast 3 times or more a week. Still I wanted more, why because I wanted here with me and that was not possible. I am spoiled and I want what I want and I want it now. Yeah we all know that was not happening with this visa process.

My husband was married before and has 4 children and yes I had a hard time with it, but this is the facts and yes I was married before and I have 2 children. I had to realize that I prayed and believe that for what ever reason God wants us to be together. I am not forsure how long and I am no longer willing to worry about that. I have to enjoy each and everyday and give thanks for this day. I know that it may seem easy for me to say this because my husband is with me now and we where only apart for 11 months total. I went through the he!! and all the drama that I allowed into my head and negativity but I have learned that we are all indiviuals and are here to support one another.

I had to lean on God, my faith and prayers. That was all I could do and that is what I try to do each and every day.

Peace be with you!

[mohamed N melinda 0]

You know that I had alot doubts because of things that I would read here and then think just because someone elses man did that then it must mean that my muslim husband must be the same, think the same and that is simply not true. I would ask all of these questions that would be negative and it only hurt our relationship. Distance and negativitiy will do this. I talked to him everyday a couple of times and was online with him atleast 3 times or more a week. Still I wanted more, why because I wanted here with me and that was not possible. I am spoiled and I want what I want and I want it now. Yeah we all know that was not happening with this visa process.

My husband was married before and has 4 children and yes I had a hard time with it, but this is the facts and yes I was married before and I have 2 children. I had to realize that I prayed and believe that for what ever reason God wants us to be together. I am not forsure how long and I am no longer willing to worry about that. I have to enjoy each and everyday and give thanks for this day. I know that it may seem easy for me to say this because my husband is with me now and we where only apart for 11 months total. I went through the he!! and all the drama that I allowed into my head and negativity but I have learned that we are all indiviuals and are here to support one another.

I had to lean on God, my faith and prayers. That was all I could do and that is what I try to do each and every day.

Peace be with you!

[Nagishkaw 510]

There were times when I walked by faith and nothing more. I do not like to think of those times. They were very hard. I do not have words to describe it.

[SaadBell 0]

Olivia,

First, the question everyone asks themselves, “do I really know him” could I be fooled. Of course, we all can be conned, but, that is with all men, not just Arab men. Look at all the wife’s, who married their childhood sweetheart, only to find out that the man had a secret life. BTK, family man, well loved, so, anyone is easily conned by a sociopath. Most of the woman of horrific murders, knew their husband most of their lives, and never suspected a thing. So just because you know them well, your family knows them well never guarantees a thing. Follow your gut, keep your eyes open, and chances are you will be fine and never even run into someone like that.

Yes, separation is a nightmare, funny same thing in my first marriage, my ex husband was a navy man, flew planes, and was never never never home. One time he was home for two weeks in one year. I wish I knew the answer to what get’s one through this, all I can say is take it one day at a time. Know you are not alone, and one day this will be behind you. You are in my thoughts.

May you have peace

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Being newly married to a MENA man brings special challenges when separated and going through the visa process. I would talk about this with my counselor but at the end of the session I didn’t feel resolve. Lately my restless mind has been facing the demons in the darkness alone at night. Time and again I expose myself to threads on VJ which come back and haunt the halls of my mind and echo the fears of my subconscious. I have faced some of these ideas in the threads on VJ before going into my marriage by the naysayer’s who chewed my ears those nine months Waleed and I were engaged. I naively assumed during that time that eventually those ideas would die away and our love was strong enough to face anything.

Those of us that marry these men in the post 9/11 environment face seriously scary things that are outside the boundaries of a normal healthy relationship. Certainly they don’t have to worry if we’re a terrorist, or if we’re using them for a green card, or if we have another wife and kids, or if we’re hiding something from them. Most of us that are separated communicate with our long distance spouses through the internet either in some msgr, or VOIP, or text msg, or the international calling card. Communication is essential for any relationship to continue even if your spouse is currently living with you.

It’s both our first marriage. We’ve been married over a year and haven’t seen each other for about as long. The visa process has taken us nine months already. Most of my finances are tied up in finishing college while the Egyptian military took him for a year to 16 months at the beginning of this year. The communication is entirely controlled from his side now because he can only contact me when he can contact me. I am finding myself more frightened then positive about our situation. I continue to battle internally my anxiety and fears which are amplified at night time.

We get only so much time to communicate while he’s on break from the military. It’s not like either of us have read a book for marriage on staying in communication while separated and how to address each others fears as they arise. When I address my fears with him he goes into hiding and the silence is killing. I wish there was a manual on being in an international bi-national marriage with a MENA man while going through the visa process. Then I could read the chapter I’m writing now and save a lot of trouble.

I understand that with most of the MENA men they are virgins when they marry and this is their first intimate relationship. They are like aliens visiting a new planet and shuffling their feet along the ground as if they are unsure of this planets gravity. I have sympathy and compassion for the men who are getting their legs under them. They are learning what the needs of their partner are, and becoming familiar with interacting with them for the first time, and understanding that communication is nourishment to the relationship and should be both ways if possible.

The other day I was in bliss chatting away with my Husband for the first time in a long time since the army took him. We were in messenger for three and half hours when all of a sudden “POOF” he was gone. It's not like this hasn't happened before but given the circumstances it's always disappointing. Thirty minutes later I get a garbled windings mixed sms from him for me to head home if I’m tired because he can’t get logged back on and to send him a time when we can meet the next day. It seems even the text msg was having problems if it’s giving me funny wingding symbols with the text. It isn’t helpful to a relationship when the connection is interrupted because of faulty lines in Egypt or wherever.

I do feel more strongly now that married people should not be apart no matter what. It feels unnatural and unhealthy. I wish he and I had better luck. I wish I’d win the lottery so I could get him out of the Egyptian military and fly there when ever I wanted to so we could see each other more during this process. I wish we’d waited till we were both 30 to get married so I’d be done with college and have some brilliant job and he’d be done with the military and taking his USMLE (United States Medical License Equivalent) and we weren’t facing these struggles we’re in now.

But sometimes I truly wish I didn’t have to face some of the glaring issues that come with being married to a MENA man like he might terrorist and a really good actor, or using me for a green card, or because he’s Muslim he may have another wife and kids somewhere, or he’s just hiding something and how would I know because I am not there able to be with him every second and know he every move and search every inch of his life before past present and future. Will there ever be a time when those issues fade? Is it also naive of me to believe it will be better after we are together? What is the best attitude I can take now?

In these times that I feel weak I have to recognize I neglect the spiritual. Then I turn to God or angels or guides for my answers. I try to calm down and take a warm shower and then drink some tea with honey. Eventually I get my answers in the form of faint good feelings and nice images. I feel guided to stay with him, stick it out, and that things will get better one day. That I just have to be supportive of whatever is going on with him and be there for him. That we’re both growing and maturing during this time apart and maybe we need this time to do that and finish up some personal growth before we’re able to be together having that mature married life and family. We just have a year left. May 2009 I graduate college and he is supposed to for sure be out of the Egyptian military. I don’t have the answers for what comes after that date but I hope and pray that somewhere in there we get to be together starting our life finally.

In this visa journey you’ve got to have faith in something whatever it is, hope for the best, trust in each other, but most of all LOVE.

Keep going on cruises....you look beautiful and rested....keep living a rich life..Develop rich friendships with women

No one knows if they will be used for papers or not.....but no one knows if an american will betray and batter them (happened to me)and you have to keep traveling...I am having a baby at 41 with an algerian man who sometimes disappoints me but I am in love with and listening to others would have cut short this journey....Olivia....build your life while you wait.Read incredible books and go on every cruise possible...Love with wild abandon....you will never regret it even if things go south....you loved,you lived...you tasted life...

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

listen olivia

Being newly married to a MENA man brings special challenges when separated and going through the visa process. I would talk about this with my counselor but at the end of the session I didn’t feel resolve. Lately my restless mind has been facing the demons in the darkness alone at night. Time and again I expose myself to threads on VJ which come back and haunt the halls of my mind and echo the fears of my subconscious. I have faced some of these ideas in the threads on VJ before going into my marriage by the naysayer’s who chewed my ears those nine months Waleed and I were engaged. I naively assumed during that time that eventually those ideas would die away and our love was strong enough to face anything.

Those of us that marry these men in the post 9/11 environment face seriously scary things that are outside the boundaries of a normal healthy relationship. Certainly they don’t have to worry if we’re a terrorist, or if we’re using them for a green card, or if we have another wife and kids, or if we’re hiding something from them. Most of us that are separated communicate with our long distance spouses through the internet either in some msgr, or VOIP, or text msg, or the international calling card. Communication is essential for any relationship to continue even if your spouse is currently living with you.

It’s both our first marriage. We’ve been married over a year and haven’t seen each other for about as long. The visa process has taken us nine months already. Most of my finances are tied up in finishing college while the Egyptian military took him for a year to 16 months at the beginning of this year. The communication is entirely controlled from his side now because he can only contact me when he can contact me. I am finding myself more frightened then positive about our situation. I continue to battle internally my anxiety and fears which are amplified at night time.

We get only so much time to communicate while he’s on break from the military. It’s not like either of us have read a book for marriage on staying in communication while separated and how to address each others fears as they arise. When I address my fears with him he goes into hiding and the silence is killing. I wish there was a manual on being in an international bi-national marriage with a MENA man while going through the visa process. Then I could read the chapter I’m writing now and save a lot of trouble.

I understand that with most of the MENA men they are virgins when they marry and this is their first intimate relationship. They are like aliens visiting a new planet and shuffling their feet along the ground as if they are unsure of this planets gravity. I have sympathy and compassion for the men who are getting their legs under them. They are learning what the needs of their partner are, and becoming familiar with interacting with them for the first time, and understanding that communication is nourishment to the relationship and should be both ways if possible.

The other day I was in bliss chatting away with my Husband for the first time in a long time since the army took him. We were in messenger for three and half hours when all of a sudden “POOF” he was gone. It's not like this hasn't happened before but given the circumstances it's always disappointing. Thirty minutes later I get a garbled windings mixed sms from him for me to head home if I’m tired because he can’t get logged back on and to send him a time when we can meet the next day. It seems even the text msg was having problems if it’s giving me funny wingding symbols with the text. It isn’t helpful to a relationship when the connection is interrupted because of faulty lines in Egypt or wherever.

I do feel more strongly now that married people should not be apart no matter what. It feels unnatural and unhealthy. I wish he and I had better luck. I wish I’d win the lottery so I could get him out of the Egyptian military and fly there when ever I wanted to so we could see each other more during this process. I wish we’d waited till we were both 30 to get married so I’d be done with college and have some brilliant job and he’d be done with the military and taking his USMLE (United States Medical License Equivalent) and we weren’t facing these struggles we’re in now.

But sometimes I truly wish I didn’t have to face some of the glaring issues that come with being married to a MENA man like he might terrorist and a really good actor, or using me for a green card, or because he’s Muslim he may have another wife and kids somewhere, or he’s just hiding something and how would I know because I am not there able to be with him every second and know he every move and search every inch of his life before past present and future. Will there ever be a time when those issues fade? Is it also naive of me to believe it will be better after we are together? What is the best attitude I can take now?

In these times that I feel weak I have to recognize I neglect the spiritual. Then I turn to God or angels or guides for my answers. I try to calm down and take a warm shower and then drink some tea with honey. Eventually I get my answers in the form of faint good feelings and nice images. I feel guided to stay with him, stick it out, and that things will get better one day. That I just have to be supportive of whatever is going on with him and be there for him. That we’re both growing and maturing during this time apart and maybe we need this time to do that and finish up some personal growth before we’re able to be together having that mature married life and family. We just have a year left. May 2009 I graduate college and he is supposed to for sure be out of the Egyptian military. I don’t have the answers for what comes after that date but I hope and pray that somewhere in there we get to be together starting our life finally.

In this visa journey you’ve got to have faith in something whatever it is, hope for the best, trust in each other, but most of all LOVE.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

Video no longer available?

listen olivia

[MelindaandTarek 0]

Olivia - May your faith keep you strong and listen to your heart and your inner voice....its hard, very hard to be away from the one you love..and add the shotty connections and lack of ongoing communication and it's hard.......

I am here for you if you ever need a ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on.... Melinda

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Being newly married to a MENA man brings special challenges when separated and going through the visa process. I would talk about this with my counselor but at the end of the session I didn’t feel resolve. Lately my restless mind has been facing the demons in the darkness alone at night. Time and again I expose myself to threads on VJ which come back and haunt the halls of my mind and echo the fears of my subconscious. I have faced some of these ideas in the threads on VJ before going into my marriage by the naysayer’s who chewed my ears those nine months Waleed and I were engaged. I naively assumed during that time that eventually those ideas would die away and our love was strong enough to face anything.

Those of us that marry these men in the post 9/11 environment face seriously scary things that are outside the boundaries of a normal healthy relationship. Certainly they don’t have to worry if we’re a terrorist, or if we’re using them for a green card, or if we have another wife and kids, or if we’re hiding something from them. Most of us that are separated communicate with our long distance spouses through the internet either in some msgr, or VOIP, or text msg, or the international calling card. Communication is essential for any relationship to continue even if your spouse is currently living with you.

It’s both our first marriage. We’ve been married over a year and haven’t seen each other for about as long. The visa process has taken us nine months already. Most of my finances are tied up in finishing college while the Egyptian military took him for a year to 16 months at the beginning of this year. The communication is entirely controlled from his side now because he can only contact me when he can contact me. I am finding myself more frightened then positive about our situation. I continue to battle internally my anxiety and fears which are amplified at night time.

We get only so much time to communicate while he’s on break from the military. It’s not like either of us have read a book for marriage on staying in communication while separated and how to address each others fears as they arise. When I address my fears with him he goes into hiding and the silence is killing. I wish there was a manual on being in an international bi-national marriage with a MENA man while going through the visa process. Then I could read the chapter I’m writing now and save a lot of trouble.

I understand that with most of the MENA men they are virgins when they marry and this is their first intimate relationship. They are like aliens visiting a new planet and shuffling their feet along the ground as if they are unsure of this planets gravity. I have sympathy and compassion for the men who are getting their legs under them. They are learning what the needs of their partner are, and becoming familiar with interacting with them for the first time, and understanding that communication is nourishment to the relationship and should be both ways if possible.

The other day I was in bliss chatting away with my Husband for the first time in a long time since the army took him. We were in messenger for three and half hours when all of a sudden “POOF” he was gone. It's not like this hasn't happened before but given the circumstances it's always disappointing. Thirty minutes later I get a garbled windings mixed sms from him for me to head home if I’m tired because he can’t get logged back on and to send him a time when we can meet the next day. It seems even the text msg was having problems if it’s giving me funny wingding symbols with the text. It isn’t helpful to a relationship when the connection is interrupted because of faulty lines in Egypt or wherever.

I do feel more strongly now that married people should not be apart no matter what. It feels unnatural and unhealthy. I wish he and I had better luck. I wish I’d win the lottery so I could get him out of the Egyptian military and fly there when ever I wanted to so we could see each other more during this process. I wish we’d waited till we were both 30 to get married so I’d be done with college and have some brilliant job and he’d be done with the military and taking his USMLE (United States Medical License Equivalent) and we weren’t facing these struggles we’re in now.

But sometimes I truly wish I didn’t have to face some of the glaring issues that come with being married to a MENA man like he might terrorist and a really good actor, or using me for a green card, or because he’s Muslim he may have another wife and kids somewhere, or he’s just hiding something and how would I know because I am not there able to be with him every second and know he every move and search every inch of his life before past present and future. Will there ever be a time when those issues fade? Is it also naive of me to believe it will be better after we are together? What is the best attitude I can take now?

In these times that I feel weak I have to recognize I neglect the spiritual. Then I turn to God or angels or guides for my answers. I try to calm down and take a warm shower and then drink some tea with honey. Eventually I get my answers in the form of faint good feelings and nice images. I feel guided to stay with him, stick it out, and that things will get better one day. That I just have to be supportive of whatever is going on with him and be there for him. That we’re both growing and maturing during this time apart and maybe we need this time to do that and finish up some personal growth before we’re able to be together having that mature married life and family. We just have a year left. May 2009 I graduate college and he is supposed to for sure be out of the Egyptian military. I don’t have the answers for what comes after that date but I hope and pray that somewhere in there we get to be together starting our life finally.

In this visa journey you’ve got to have faith in something whatever it is, hope for the best, trust in each other, but most of all LOVE.

[aisha kandisha 0]

Those of us that marry these men in the post 9/11 environment face seriously scary things that are outside the boundaries of a normal healthy relationship. Certainly they don’t have to worry if we’re a terrorist, or if we’re using them for a green card, or if we have another wife and kids, or if we’re hiding something from them. /size]

But sometimes I truly wish I didn’t have to face some of the glaring issues that come with being married to a MENA man like he might terrorist and a really good actor, or using me for a green card, or because he’s Muslim he may have another wife and kids somewhere, or he’s just hiding something and how would I know because I am not there able to be with him every second and know he every move and search every inch of his life before past present and future. Will there ever be a time when those issues fade? Is it also naive of me to believe it will be better after we are together? What is the best attitude I can take now?

I don't think these are issues that inherently "come with being married to a MENA man". I don't have these concerns about my husband, and any questions I did have about him were resolved prior to marrying him. Nearly all of those questions would have been the same regardless of the region my husband was from, except perhaps spending a lot of time discussing how the adjustment would impact us both. Therefore, speaking only for myself, issues can be worked through, but our issues were not the same. Frankly, some of the things you address border or cross into the bigoted stereotypes we get from outsiders, in particular "because he’s Muslim he may have another wife and kids somewhere" and "he might terrorist ".

I am not trying to be unsympathetic to the obvious duress you are under, but I find these "concerns" not only objectionable and somewhat offensive, but also (with perhaps the green card issue which is rarely as black and white as people make it out to be) unwarranted if they are to be chalked up to being issues that "come with being married to a MENA man". I think these issues are often more reflective of the baggage we carry into our relationships (lack of trust, past bad experiences/abuse, poor judgment in previous relationships, prejudices, etc.) rather than a real reflection of MENA men.

I don't know if you will get past these issues, but I wish you the best in doing so. You seem like a reflective person and perhaps reflecting on how much this is really about you and/or stereotypes/prejudices you may unknowingly hold (in particular since you mention terrorism/post 9/11) will help you begin to work through these issues, leaving you only with concerns that are really worth dwelling on.