MENA-One Visa Journey For the Book

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

Being newly married to a MENA man brings special challenges when separated and going through the visa process. I would talk about this with my counselor but at the end of the session I didn’t feel resolve. Lately my restless mind has been facing the demons in the darkness alone at night. Time and again I expose myself to threads on VJ which come back and haunt the halls of my mind and echo the fears of my subconscious. I have faced some of these ideas in the threads on VJ before going into my marriage by the naysayer’s who chewed my ears those nine months Waleed and I were engaged. I naively assumed during that time that eventually those ideas would die away and our love was strong enough to face anything.

Those of us that marry these men in the post 9/11 environment face seriously scary things that are outside the boundaries of a normal healthy relationship. Certainly they don’t have to worry if we’re a terrorist, or if we’re using them for a green card, or if we have another wife and kids, or if we’re hiding something from them. Most of us that are separated communicate with our long distance spouses through the internet either in some msgr, or VOIP, or text msg, or the international calling card. Communication is essential for any relationship to continue even if your spouse is currently living with you.

It’s both our first marriage. We’ve been married over a year and haven’t seen each other for about as long. The visa process has taken us nine months already. Most of my finances are tied up in finishing college while the Egyptian military took him for a year to 16 months at the beginning of this year. The communication is entirely controlled from his side now because he can only contact me when he can contact me. I am finding myself more frightened then positive about our situation. I continue to battle internally my anxiety and fears which are amplified at night time.

We get only so much time to communicate while he’s on break from the military. It’s not like either of us have read a book for marriage on staying in communication while separated and how to address each others fears as they arise. When I address my fears with him he goes into hiding and the silence is killing. I wish there was a manual on being in an international bi-national marriage with a MENA man while going through the visa process. Then I could read the chapter I’m writing now and save a lot of trouble.

I understand that with most of the MENA men they are virgins when they marry and this is their first intimate relationship. They are like aliens visiting a new planet and shuffling their feet along the ground as if they are unsure of this planets gravity. I have sympathy and compassion for the men who are getting their legs under them. They are learning what the needs of their partner are, and becoming familiar with interacting with them for the first time, and understanding that communication is nourishment to the relationship and should be both ways if possible.

The other day I was in bliss chatting away with my Husband for the first time in a long time since the army took him. We were in messenger for three and half hours when all of a sudden “POOF” he was gone. It's not like this hasn't happened before but given the circumstances it's always disappointing. Thirty minutes later I get a garbled windings mixed sms from him for me to head home if I’m tired because he can’t get logged back on and to send him a time when we can meet the next day. It seems even the text msg was having problems if it’s giving me funny wingding symbols with the text. It isn’t helpful to a relationship when the connection is interrupted because of faulty lines in Egypt or wherever.

I do feel more strongly now that married people should not be apart no matter what. It feels unnatural and unhealthy. I wish he and I had better luck. I wish I’d win the lottery so I could get him out of the Egyptian military and fly there when ever I wanted to so we could see each other more during this process. I wish we’d waited till we were both 30 to get married so I’d be done with college and have some brilliant job and he’d be done with the military and taking his USMLE (United States Medical License Equivalent) and we weren’t facing these struggles we’re in now.

But sometimes I truly wish I didn’t have to face some of the glaring issues that come with being married to a MENA man like he might terrorist and a really good actor, or using me for a green card, or because he’s Muslim he may have another wife and kids somewhere, or he’s just hiding something and how would I know because I am not there able to be with him every second and know he every move and search every inch of his life before past present and future. Will there ever be a time when those issues fade? Is it also naive of me to believe it will be better after we are together? What is the best attitude I can take now?

In these times that I feel weak I have to recognize I neglect the spiritual. Then I turn to God or angels or guides for my answers. I try to calm down and take a warm shower and then drink some tea with honey. Eventually I get my answers in the form of faint good feelings and nice images. I feel guided to stay with him, stick it out, and that things will get better one day. That I just have to be supportive of whatever is going on with him and be there for him. That we’re both growing and maturing during this time apart and maybe we need this time to do that and finish up some personal growth before we’re able to be together having that mature married life and family. We just have a year left. May 2009 I graduate college and he is supposed to for sure be out of the Egyptian military. I don’t have the answers for what comes after that date but I hope and pray that somewhere in there we get to be together starting our life finally.

In this visa journey you’ve got to have faith in something whatever it is, hope for the best, trust in each other, but most of all LOVE.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

I understand that with most of the MENA men they are virgins when they marry and this is their first intimate relationship.

i doubt this really if they are over 16, but it is a hard process and very trying on both, especially with u trying to do school and this hanging over your shoulder, just have to trudge on and know in time it will surely end good speedy luck to all of us

[simple_male 1]

Olivia, you have made very good points. It is very difficult to be away from each other. May God make everything easy for you!

[tenderheartusa79 14]

that really sound so sad and i know how does it feel

and i think all the couples here have been thinking about the same .

sometimes we feel the same we feel its not normal or healthy relationship cause after one or two years we still apart and we still living away from our loves .

for me it really hurts so much cause i know my fiancée for more than two years and we still apart

but we promised each other to challenge and fight everything till we be together .

and i think you are the only one who have that kinda scary ideas . i think most of American women has the same scary ideas especially if they are married or engaged to Muslims men

maybe they thinking that their men are terrorists and a really good actors, or using them for a green card, or because they are Muslims they may have another wife and kids somewhere .

i don't know if you heard about that or not .

last week the American minister of foreign ( condoleezza rice )

was warning the American women to marry or engage to Egyptian men .

she says the Egyptian men especially young Egyptian men marry old American women for the visa and the green card and then they will divorce them

she says the old American women marry young Egyptian men for their pleasure and the young Egyptian men marry old American men for the visa and the green card!!!!!!!!

and to be honest that really happened and its still happening

but all i want to say i think you can tell of you man loves you or just wants to use you i don't mean really you I'm talking in cowmen .

and i think if you sure that you have your life love, your dream man , your soul mate , your true life

so that man deserve to go through that stupid journey for him .

maybe it will be so much better if you will wait kinda long time and go through retarded journey ( the visa process ) to be with the right man instead of live all of your life with a man who you don't love or maybe who will be so mean and rude to ya

you just have to be patient and challenge everything till you be with your love and i pray to GOD to make that year go faster and faster for you and for me so we can be with the people that we love

my best wishes for ya and you and waleed in my prayers and inshaallah you will be with him soon and fast

[Jenn! 918]

i don't know if you heard about that or not .

last week the American minister of foreign ( condoleezza rice )

was warning the American women to marry or engage to Egyptian men .

she says the Egyptian men especially young Egyptian men marry old American women for the visa and the green card and then they will divorce them

she says the old American women marry young Egyptian men for their pleasure and the young Egyptian men marry old American men for the visa and the green card!!!!!!!!

Do you know when and why she said this? I can't seem to find any stories about it...

[tenderheartusa79 14]

i don't know if you heard about that or not .

last week the American minister of foreign ( condoleezza rice )

was warning the American women to marry or engage to Egyptian men .

she says the Egyptian men especially young Egyptian men marry old American women for the visa and the green card and then they will divorce them

she says the old American women marry young Egyptian men for their pleasure and the young Egyptian men marry old American men for the visa and the green card!!!!!!!!

Do you know when and why she said this? I can't seem to find any stories about it...

i will try to look for that for ya

but she really said that and she even said very big number about how many Egyptian divorced their wives after they got the green card but i forgot that number

i forgot to tell you something . yeah in Islam you can marry more than one wife but it does not mean that you should or must marry more then one wife

for me i don't know anyone who married more than wife and i will never ever think to marry more than one wife ( just my queen for sure )

i live in Islamic country so its not like what you think . you what I'm saying ?!!!!!!

Edited March 24, 2008 by tenderheart197900

[simple_male 1]

that really sound so sad and i know how does it feel

and i think all the couples here have been thinking about the same .

sometimes we feel the same we feel its not normal or healthy relationship cause after one or two years we still apart and we still living away from our loves .

for me it really hurts so much cause i know my fiancée for more than two years and we still apart

but we promised each other to challenge and fight everything till we be together .

and i think you are the only one who have that kinda scary ideas . i think most of American women has the same scary ideas especially if they are married or engaged to Muslims men

maybe they thinking that their men are terrorists and a really good actors, or using them for a green card, or because they are Muslims they may have another wife and kids somewhere .

i don't know if you heard about that or not .

last week the American minister of foreign ( condoleezza rice )

was warning the American women to marry or engage to Egyptian men .

she says the Egyptian men especially young Egyptian men marry old American women for the visa and the green card and then they will divorce them

she says the old American women marry young Egyptian men for their pleasure and the young Egyptian men marry old American men for the visa and the green card!!!!!!!!

and to be honest that really happened and its still happening

but all i want to say i think you can tell of you man loves you or just wants to use you i don't mean really you I'm talking in cowmen .

and i think if you sure that you have your life love, your dream man , your soul mate , your true life

so that man deserve to go through that stupid journey for him .

maybe it will be so much better if you will wait kinda long time and go through retarded journey ( the visa process ) to be with the right man instead of live all of your life with a man who you don't love or maybe who will be so mean and rude to ya

you just have to be patient and challenge everything till you be with your love and i pray to GOD to make that year go faster and faster for you and for me so we can be with the people that we love

my best wishes for ya and you and waleed in my prayers and inshaallah you will be with him soon and fast

It is hard for me to believe that Secretary of State Condolezza Rice would comment like this. It would have been in the world news everywhere! Anyway, regardless of one's husband is a Muslim and from any other faith, sharing everything with each other is very important. If one hides something from his past, it would be hard to trust him. Marrying for green card and then leave happens, no matter the guy is a Muslim or not. But, most men marry for the purpose of marriage. Now a days, usually they put the male visa applicant from a Muslim country on AP for a while.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

I also meant to include that as much as you both hate him going to the military isnt this prob accepted as a honor for him and his family that he does his responsibile this (im asking dont really know how this situation is) be proud he accepted this responsibility and didnt find a means to evade it and you know your schooling is a necessity for you so just look foward to this all being behind you, your young you got a long ways to go together in the big picture a year or two is just a small piece, at the time it feels like forever but it wont be

[sara..... 371]

Olivia, im sorry to hear ur having such a bad day but we all have them and i know this wont help u any right now but it will pass ........... and dont worry about the things other people can put in ur mind about marraige for visa or terrorist or any of those things u know ur man more than anyone else in the world well with the exception of his mom try to be around people that are supportive of ur situation and what ur going thru.........Muslim men for the most part are virgins when they marry so i know its difficult to understand but most once they are married thats it for them........and they do have a hard time understanding the things that go thru womens minds when separated while waiting in ur case for the military to be finished with him.....but one of the things that keeps him going im sure is the fact that he has a loving wife that is waiting for him and he does not worry that u will be unfaithful to him because u r his wife........ someone also told me that men in the military in Egypt that are married to non Egyptian women have a pretty hard time in the service.......i dont know if he has told u about it or not or if he stays silent so that u dont worry.........i dont know if its true or not but its what i have been told so when he is able to talk to u im sure it makes him feel so good inside........yup that ####### with the Internet gone while ur chatting sucks.......there are days i want to pull my own hair out i get so frustrated........but we have to hold on to what we are able to have with our men that are in other countries with the bad Internet connections .... I hope u feel better soon i know its a difficult journey and in ur case more so than some of the rest of us..........

sara

[amrssnowangel 0]

Keep your faith strong. You and he chose to marry each other. When we get worried or scared and the pressure is tremendous, we take time to remind each other and ourselves that we do believe that God has already set our futures in motion. I dont know your personal beliefs..but we do believe that our futures are set. God already knows the outcome, its already preordained. So nothing we can do will change waht God has set forth in our lives. Yes we have free wills.....but God already knows...God already has directed our paths. So trust in God. "Lean not unto your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and HE will direct your path". Put Satans temptations of bad thoughts out of your mind. What is meant to be...will be. Doesn't mean we should be blind....but God will put signs before us...bold ones to. Not just words uttered or bad connections...but bold signs. Have no fear. Have no worry.

Matthew 6:25-34 (New International Version)

New International Version (NIV)

Do Not Worry

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet God feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^[a]? 28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and God knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Keep your eyes on Him. Stay focused....

[amrssnowangel 0]

Keep your faith strong. You and he chose to marry each other. When we get worried or scared and the pressure is tremendous, we take time to remind each other and ourselves that we do believe that God has already set our futures in motion. I dont know your personal beliefs..but we do believe that our futures are set. God already knows the outcome, its already preordained. So nothing we can do will change waht God has set forth in our lives. Yes we have free wills.....but God already knows...God already has directed our paths. So trust in God. "Lean not unto your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and HE will direct your path". Put Satans temptations of bad thoughts out of your mind. What is meant to be...will be. Doesn't mean we should be blind....but God will put signs before us...bold ones to. Not just words uttered or bad connections...but bold signs. Have no fear. Have no worry.

Matthew 6:25-34 (New International Version)

New International Version (NIV)

Do Not Worry

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet God feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^[a]? 28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and God knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Keep your eyes on Him. Stay focused....

[Henna Rose 0]

Peace be upon you! Today and everyday

[Aymerlu 3]

{{{{{{HUGS OLIVIA}}}}}}

[Ahmed N Cheryl 0]

Olivia I understand what you are going through.....it is so hard to be apart form your husband And yes it is very new for Islamic men and alot are virgins. It is a sin to have sex before you are married in Islam. Granted some disregard their religion the same as many do here......but more than you think honor their religion. And although the religion allows for 4 wives there is a certain criteria that must be met for it to be considered appropriate. But most the men I have met agree that one wife is all they want or need. Most Muslim men are very devoted to their wives.

Olivia I hope you rheart and mind comes to peace soon.

Cheryl

[ak3 0]

My advice is listen to your concience and heart not others ....think of it like being not much different than a american wife separated from her army husband..that seems to help alot...and if u need to sacrifice school getting done earlier to see him do it....i know you will finsih but what is important now ? I wish you luck and a fast journey. i had the same worries with the eg. army but luckily my husband wasnt a doctor...and i think that is why we got out