if your SO's visa was denied...

[rebeccajo 14]

I think that it comes down to one side is always going to have to make a sacrifice in an international relationship. You can't have it all when both partners have children. If my former wife wanted to move to Australia and take my children with her, I have no right to stop here. It is her life and she has a right to find happiness. Although I love my children and would die for them, they are with their mother until they become adults and decide where to live for themselves. It's the same with Alla's children.

And it's a family thing. Not a government thing. See what I mean?

You had the statements in the same paragraph and they aren't related. Not to be picky (I'm really not) - all I'm sayin' is you'd have the same situation if the families were moving into another state away from their birth father.

IMO 'letting the government decide' doesn't seem to happen very often around VJ - at least not with what I've seen. I've seen couples break up just because they can't do the wait - that could be 'letting the government decide'; it could be immaturity; it could be the relationship wasn't so hot to begin with. I've seen couples break up when the visa went belly-up because the foreign SO was then no longer interested in the relationship; those situations always seem to me to have been 'for the greencard' marriages and the USC ends up hurt. I've seen one or two relationships where the USC just wasn't interested in living in a third-world country; I guess you can make whatever you want of that.

Edited March 24, 2008 by rebeccajo

[rebeccajo 14]

PS If I were in an international relationship where both of us had kids, I wouldn't marry that person if one of us had to leave our kids. I would never leave my kids and I couldn't respect a man who did it. I'd also question the man's integrity if he wanted to take his kids away from their mother, if she were in the picture.

Alex -

I guess I kind of feel the same. But I'm not so sure I'd go so far as to say I wouldn't 'respect' the man if he left his kids. I just don't think I could ask him to do it.

[Kazan' Tiger 1]

Of course! I would be very upset! But how do I have the right to decide my former wife's life or who she falls in love with? It is her life. If it weren't, divorce (or maybe I should say the ability to remarry) would be illegal until all children passed the age of a majority. No, I would not move to Australia any more than Alla's children's father would seek to emigrate here.

If your wife wanted to take your children to Australia, you wouldn't be upset at all? Would you try to move to Australia to make some kind of effort to be in their lives? I would think it's not just her life she's affecting but yours and, more importantly, your children's. That's what happens when you have kids. It's not just "your life" anymore.

PS If I were in an international relationship where both of us had kids, I wouldn't marry that person if one of us had to leave our kids. I would never leave my kids and I couldn't respect a man who did it. I'd also question the man's integrity if he wanted to take his kids away from their mother, if she were in the picture.

I'm looking at from both perspectives.

I think that it comes down to one side is always going to have to make a sacrifice in an international relationship. You can't have it all when both partners have children. If my former wife wanted to move to Australia and take my children with her, I have no right to stop here. It is her life and she has a right to find happiness. Although I love my children and would die for them, they are with their mother until they become adults and decide where to live for themselves. It's the same with Alla's children.

And it's a family thing. Not a government thing. See what I mean?

You had the statements in the same paragraph and they aren't related. Not to be picky (I'm really not) - all I'm sayin' is you'd have the same situation if the families were moving into another state away from their birth father.

IMO 'letting the government decide' doesn't seem to happen very often around VJ - at least not with what I've seen. I've seen couples break up just because they can't do the wait - that could be 'letting the government decide'; it could be immaturity; it could be the relationship wasn't so hot to begin with. I've seen couples break up when the visa went belly-up because the foreign SO was then no longer interested in the relationship; those situations always seem to me to have been 'for the greencard' marriages and the USC ends up hurt. I've seen one or two relationships where the USC just wasn't interested in living in a third-world country; I guess you can make whatever you want of that.

[Alex+R 0]

Of course! I would be very upset! But how do I have the right to decide my former wife's life or who she falls in love with? It is her life. If it weren't, divorce (or maybe I should say the ability to remarry) would be illegal until all children passed the age of a majority. No, I would not move to Australia any more than Alla's children's father would seek to emigrate here.

So you'd be upset but... not upset enough to do anything about it. What if it meant you'd see your kids once every two years?

[Kazan' Tiger 1]

So what do you propose I do? Expect Australia to accept an American and a three Russians because my former wife decided to marry an Australian man and live there? Should I make arrangements to get Alla's former husband out of Russia to come along with us too?

Of course! I would be very upset! But how do I have the right to decide my former wife's life or who she falls in love with? It is her life. If it weren't, divorce (or maybe I should say the ability to remarry) would be illegal until all children passed the age of a majority. No, I would not move to Australia any more than Alla's children's father would seek to emigrate here.

So you'd be upset but... not upset enough to do anything about it. What if it meant you'd see your kids once every two years?

[Alex+R 0]

Not allow your wife to take the kids.

[Kazan' Tiger 1]

Last time I looked I am not her supreme ruler. Why is she not free to do what she wants? Why should she have to live her life for me and my wants? So should Alla's children's father stop Alla from coming to be with me as well?

Not allow your wife to take the kids.

[Alex+R 0]

Last time I looked I am not her supreme ruler. Why is she not free to do what she wants? Why should she have to live her life for me and my wants? So should Alla's children's father stop Alla from coming to be with me as well?

Not allow your wife to take the kids.

You make it sound like your kids are your wife's and not also yours. You ARE your children's keeper (theoretically) even if you don't have custody. Usually you have some say in whether your ex-spouse can take kids out of the country.

eta: in Alla's husband's case, I don't know. If they were American, I would say yes, he should stop them, if he cares about his kids. I don't know their situation. If they're wealthy and doing well in Russia, then if I were him, I'd try to stop my ex from taking my kids. If they're really poor, then he might be doing the best thing by letting them go to the US.

Edited March 24, 2008 by Alex+R

[Kazan' Tiger 1]

Right! So why could not I think that my former wife is doing what she feels is best for them too? Maybe this imaginary Aussie, we are using for our discussion, is doing better than the guy she is seeing here. I don't think it is right to prevent my former or my future wife from finding happiness. I don't think it is fair to hold her life hostage because we share children.

Last time I looked I am not her supreme ruler. Why is she not free to do what she wants? Why should she have to live her life for me and my wants? So should Alla's children's father stop Alla from coming to be with me as well?

Not allow your wife to take the kids.

You make it sound like your kids are your wife's and not also yours. You ARE your children's keeper (theoretically) even if you don't have custody. Usually you have some say in whether your ex-spouse can take kids out of the country.

eta: in Alla's husband's case, I don't know. If they were American, I would say yes, he should stop them, if he cares about his kids. I don't know their situation. If they're wealthy and doing well in Russia, then if I were him, I'd try to stop my ex from taking my kids. If they're really poor, then he might be doing the best thing by letting them go to the US.

[Jenn! 918]

I don't know the laws... *Can* the ex-husband stop the ex-wife from moving overseas with the kids? Can he stop them from moving across the country?

[Alex+R 0]

You're still completely ignoring the children in the equation.

[Dr. Obvious 49]

I don't understand how you wouldn't care if you would never see your kids again if it only made your ex happy to do so. That is bizarre. They are your children.

[Kazan' Tiger 1]

In our case, Alla's former husband must sign an agreement stating he realizes the child is emigrating Russia and it is permanent with no promise of return.

I don't know the laws... *Can* the ex-husband stop the ex-wife from moving overseas with the kids? Can he stop them from moving across the country?

[Kazan' Tiger 1]

No, I am not. If she has custody, she has the right to decide where they live until they reach the age of majority. It seems to me that you feel no one has the right to remarry and relocate to a place of their choosing if they have children.

You're still completely ignoring the children in the equation.

[Mina76 0]

Wherever my husband is living then that is where I should be!