Gifts to the bride's family

[GloAndCole 22]

My fiance lives in China and people tell her that it is customary to give gifts to the bride's parents when they marry. I said, "Okay, what kind of gifts"? She said, "Money and a few other small things". How much money ? 60,000 yuan. Holy cow! That alot of bread I said. With todays exchange rate thats got to be close to $8,000 U.S. This does not sound right to me. Has anyone ever heard of such a thing !

To the OP, whether it is culture thing or not, bottom line you need to save yourself as much as possible since you will be responsible for the bills of two once she is arrived here. Dun constrain yourself to pay for it if you dun feel comfortable or just to save the face for her parents. I'm sure her parents will understand how much money involved for maintaining a long distance relationship & immigration fee. I would recommend you to meet her family at least once before she leaves China so there is no misunderstanding in between you all.

Good luck with whatever decision you're going to make.

Cheers,

Glo

Edited April 15, 2009 by GloAndCole

[Dan & Juan 12]

Wow this was a very sore point for us. I thought that tradition of symbol was very good, but in the end the parents weren't too thrilled with my amount. Since I was not buying an apartment etc in China I did give a large amount to my wife's account and that may never see the way back to us as the daughter having to take care of the parents is deep imbedded in her heart. It is difficult to understand for me but this is the life I choose I love her so much I must adapt.

[Azzudiin 26]

To the OP, $8000 is way out of line. I have traveled and lived in China and that amount is really quite out of line. Many of the gift customs are different, and vary widely from each area of China.

The golden rule though applies in China just like in the US, if Chinese parent asks you if you have the money to support their child comfortable, answer with an honest yes, but do not say how much money you have in your bank accounts, that is considered rude no matter what country you are in.

Also a couple lesser known customs which will put you in good graces with the family.

If your fiance has sisters or brothers with children under age 10-12 a nice custom is to give those soon to be neices and nephews RMB200. No envelope needed, just over a casual dinner, this one goes a long way to making your fiances siblings happy with you.

Monetary gifts to the parents of your fiance can be handled with the meeting of the parents the first time. Will use my recent case as example. When I asked my fiance to marry me, I did so with the clause "if your parents approve". We then had dinner at a nice restaurant with her family. I politely talked about our relationship with the father, answered several questions from the mother and father about myself, career, future plans etc. When it was apparent they where warming up to me I politely asked for their blessing in marrying their daughter. This was about half way through the evening. Evening proceeded on with us talking about several things, but the parents still had not answered. Toward the end of the evening the father said he would be happy to have me marry his daughter. Just as the evening was ending I handed the father a red envelope with RMB5000 enclosed and then gave the customery end of evening goodbyes, thank yous etc.

One thing to note, chinese custom is that when you hand a gift to someone, hand it to them with 2 hands, this shows respect for elders, also do not expect them to open it, they will not open in your presence and this is why the actual amount does not matter. The amount should be significant, but not anywhere close to the amount the original poster had listed.

[GloAndCole 22]

Wow this was a very sore point for us. I thought that tradition of symbol was very good, but in the end the parents weren't too thrilled with my amount. Since I was not buying an apartment etc in China I did give a large amount to my wife's account and that may never see the way back to us as the daughter having to take care of the parents is deep imbedded in her heart. It is difficult to understand for me but this is the life I choose I love her so much I must adapt.

Yea like I said my parents never asked for any money. Lots of parents nowadays dun really care about it anymore as long as their daughter is happy. To the OP, talk to your fiancé, even someone from HK thinks this amount is ridiculous. I understand ppl in mainland China dun earn enough to contribute for saving. But she should stand from your point of view and know u guys new family should be first priority. On the top of that you are/will need to spend a lot of money even she is here until she can find a job to contribute to the new family. Anyway I hope you make the right decision.

Glo

Edited April 15, 2009 by GloAndCole

[justashooter 430]

China is a big country, so no single rule covers all circumstances.

I lived in China for 4 years and married a girl from a city that has few foreign residents. Gaining the trust of the family was a lengthy process, but worth every moment of effort. After Li moved in with me her sister had a fit and wouldn't talk with her for months, but she was the "first point of contact", so getting on well with her was important. I bribed my way in with gifts for her child. Things from America that can't be bought in China.

The sister opened the door to the rest of the family, with minor gifts greasing the skids all the way. Zippo lighters and imported alcohol for the men, American chocolate and cosmetics for the women, picture books of American scenery, anything they couldn't get in China, or that wasn't made in China. Leather purses from Mexico were a big hit with the MIL.

The bride money issue was tied to the financial security of the MIL. Most Chinese families don't have retirement plans, health insurance, medicaid/medicare, social security, etc. Retirement begins at 58 or so, and Chinese husbands are not always prone to spend a lot of money on their "yellow faced wife", when the 25 year old mistress has needs. It sounds cruel, but that's the way it is for successful Chinese businessmen in Henan province.

We made a payment of about 20,000 yuan to the MIL, with the understanding that her oldest daughter would be moving to America and making better money than she could in China, so would be in a better position to take care of the MIL. My wife was already making 60K Rmb a year as a contract translator, so things could only go up, right? Since finding a job here my wife is putting $500 (3200Rmb) a month into an account her mother and sister can access in China.

Wife now has her house in the country, luxury car, bank account, credit card, easy job, d cups, and everything else a Chinese girl could want. MIL has a steady cash flow, which is all she really wanted. I got a sincere wife who also happens to be smoking hot. Everybody is happy.

[pushbrk 13,174]

China is a big country, so no single rule covers all circumstances.

I lived in China for 4 years and married a girl from a city that has few foreign residents. Gaining the trust of the family was a lengthy process, but worth every moment of effort. After Li moved in with me her sister had a fit and wouldn't talk with her for months, but she was the "first point of contact", so getting on well with her was important. I bribed my way in with gifts for her child. Things from America that can't be bought in China.

The sister opened the door to the rest of the family, with minor gifts greasing the skids all the way. Zippo lighters and imported alcohol for the men, American chocolate and cosmetics for the women, picture books of American scenery, anything they couldn't get in China, or that wasn't made in China. Leather purses from Mexico were a big hit with the MIL.

The bride money issue was tied to the financial security of the MIL. Most Chinese families don't have retirement plans, health insurance, medicaid/medicare, social security, etc. Retirement begins at 58 or so, and Chinese husbands are not always prone to spend a lot of money on their "yellow faced wife", when the 25 year old mistress has needs. It sounds cruel, but that's the way it is for successful Chinese businessmen in Henan province.

We made a payment of about 20,000 yuan to the MIL, with the understanding that her oldest daughter would be moving to America and making better money than she could in China, so would be in a better position to take care of the MIL. My wife was already making 60K Rmb a year as a contract translator, so things could only go up, right? Since finding a job here my wife is putting $500 (3200Rmb) a month into an account her mother and sister can access in China.

Wife now has her house in the country, luxury car, bank account, credit card, easy job, d cups, and everything else a Chinese girl could want. MIL has a steady cash flow, which is all she really wanted. I got a sincere wife who also happens to be smoking hot. Everybody is happy.

You bet it varies. My MIL is deceased and FIL has a hefty lifetime pension and full medical as a retired Major General. The value of gifts we receive tends to be higher than the ones we give and no money changed hands between FIL and I before the marriage. We did give a one-time cash gift of respect ($500) about three years later but it was only very reluctantly accepted as Baba needs no money.

[AlanM 1]

To the OP, $8000 is way out of line. I have traveled and lived in China and that amount is really quite out of line. Many of the gift customs are different, and vary widely from each area of China.

The golden rule though applies in China just like in the US, if Chinese parent asks you if you have the money to support their child comfortable, answer with an honest yes, but do not say how much money you have in your bank accounts, that is considered rude no matter what country you are in.

Also a couple lesser known customs which will put you in good graces with the family.

If your fiance has sisters or brothers with children under age 10-12 a nice custom is to give those soon to be neices and nephews RMB200. No envelope needed, just over a casual dinner, this one goes a long way to making your fiances siblings happy with you.

Monetary gifts to the parents of your fiance can be handled with the meeting of the parents the first time. Will use my recent case as example. When I asked my fiance to marry me, I did so with the clause "if your parents approve". We then had dinner at a nice restaurant with her family. I politely talked about our relationship with the father, answered several questions from the mother and father about myself, career, future plans etc. When it was apparent they where warming up to me I politely asked for their blessing in marrying their daughter. This was about half way through the evening. Evening proceeded on with us talking about several things, but the parents still had not answered. Toward the end of the evening the father said he would be happy to have me marry his daughter. Just as the evening was ending I handed the father a red envelope with RMB5000 enclosed and then gave the customery end of evening goodbyes, thank yous etc.

One thing to note, chinese custom is that when you hand a gift to someone, hand it to them with 2 hands, this shows respect for elders, also do not expect them to open it, they will not open in your presence and this is why the actual amount does not matter. The amount should be significant, but not anywhere close to the amount the original poster had listed.

You know this is out of line because during you travels all over China you stop and ask the people "hey how much money should a daughter give her parents when she gets married"?

I think you mean it is out of line according to you way of thinking.

[AlanM 1]

I married my wife in China and she wanted to give her parents 100,000 RMB. They did not want and tried to give it back but she wanted them to have face because she was first of their 3 children to marry and she marry a foreign man and no one in her city/family had ever married a foreigner.

Did I think it was a lot? Yes

Did I check with other western and chinese people? Yes

Did they think it was out of custom or unreasonable? No because I not buy the house/car, etc

Did I do it? Yes because I loved her and not consider it was a scam

She has not given me any indication that the marriage was a scam. So do not be so quick to judge from just your experience or feelings.

Holy cow 100K RMB equals to 14K USD!! I'm Chinese & we have the money thing too but nowadays parents dun ask for that much anymore esp. we need to have 2 receptions in both places with air tickets which cost us an arm and a leg. It's just a symbol to show the sincere it can be USD80 there is no strict requirement for the amount. For mainland Chinese standard it seems they're asking waaaay too much if you ask me.

As far as I know even in China lots of couple share the costs like what me and my hubby did. Even though I'm planning to pay a small amount of money gift to my parents when I get back to HK for the reception (I'm married) but they're planning to give it back to me as wedding cost. I just dun understand how come lots of ppl think their AMERICAN fiancé must pay for everything when we local ppl dun even follow this rule anymore? They aint ATM, isnt it more fair to share the cost for everything????

Glo

Holy cow you did not read my post. I said she wanted to give this money to her parents. Her parents never asked me.

She wanted to do it because she it is tradition to give someamount of money. The amount was decided in her mind because I was not going to buy the house/car that is usually required, she was their first child to get married and she wanted to express her thanks to them for raising her, they just retired and her father was going to open a new business but did not have all cash he needed, and they helped her buy her apartment and told her the "help" was not a loan that it was a gift to her. It was her way of paying them back.

[ididntdoit 0]

China is a big country, so no single rule covers all circumstances.

I lived in China for 4 years and married a girl from a city that has few foreign residents. Gaining the trust of the family was a lengthy process, but worth every moment of effort. After Li moved in with me her sister had a fit and wouldn't talk with her for months, but she was the "first point of contact", so getting on well with her was important. I bribed my way in with gifts for her child. Things from America that can't be bought in China.

The sister opened the door to the rest of the family, with minor gifts greasing the skids all the way. Zippo lighters and imported alcohol for the men, American chocolate and cosmetics for the women, picture books of American scenery, anything they couldn't get in China, or that wasn't made in China. Leather purses from Mexico were a big hit with the MIL.

The bride money issue was tied to the financial security of the MIL. Most Chinese families don't have retirement plans, health insurance, medicaid/medicare, social security, etc. Retirement begins at 58 or so, and Chinese husbands are not always prone to spend a lot of money on their "yellow faced wife", when the 25 year old mistress has needs. It sounds cruel, but that's the way it is for successful Chinese businessmen in Henan province.

We made a payment of about 20,000 yuan to the MIL, with the understanding that her oldest daughter would be moving to America and making better money than she could in China, so would be in a better position to take care of the MIL. My wife was already making 60K Rmb a year as a contract translator, so things could only go up, right? Since finding a job here my wife is putting $500 (3200Rmb) a month into an account her mother and sister can access in China.

Wife now has her house in the country, luxury car, bank account, credit card, easy job, d cups, and everything else a Chinese girl could want. MIL has a steady cash flow, which is all she really wanted. I got a sincere wife who also happens to be smoking hot. Everybody is happy.

You bet it varies. My MIL is deceased and FIL has a hefty lifetime pension and full medical as a retired Major General. The value of gifts we receive tends to be higher than the ones we give and no money changed hands between FIL and I before the marriage. We did give a one-time cash gift of respect ($500) about three years later but it was only very reluctantly accepted as Baba needs no money.

There is also the gift of a good man for a never married daughter. My FIL was retired airforce

from ww2. He had no big pension and live in a very old apartment in Xian. Him and Mom lived

a very simple life. They got by but thats all. One visit to GZ wife surprises me saying we are

going to Bejing this trip.

When we left Bejing she didnt say we were not going home. Big surprise when we landed

in Xian. Her brother and nephew picked us up so my thoughts were ok, i have no gifts.

Wife smiles and says its ok. We walked up the stairs to what I thought was Lei's home.

The door opened and there was Mom, was worried to death, had no idea what to

do. It took about 2 minutes looking at everyones smiling faces, mom taking my

arm, sit, sit she said and started feeding me watermelon to know I was home.

The home looked like a 5 star resturant, never seen so much food. We sit at the

table and cant even use my own chopsticks everyone was feeding me!!

So yes it does vary. I was adopted by this family before I ever meet them.

They would not let me spend a dime even though I tried many, many times.

Could not understand hardly a word said but didn't need to. I knew I was home.

Just the opposite of giving gifts in our case, I was given the greatest gift of all.

Edited April 20, 2009 by ididntdoit

[justashooter 430]

There is also the gift of a good man for a never married daughter.

you have a special family in China. yours is beter than mine, and I thought I had it good.

[ididntdoit 0]

Dont talk that way shooter, have read many of your posts.

Easy to see your a good man. You have lived there so you

know the word (vary) has more meanings than anyother

country. I didnt find my wife the way 99% of us do.

Thats a very long story.

Sure her family matters but you have a good woman beside.

Thats what realy matters right?

There is also the gift of a good man for a never married daughter.

you have a special family in China. yours is beter than mine, and I thought I had it good.

[justashooter 430]

a good chinese woman is well worth any bride price, no matter what words are used to arrange.

the best words to get one with are huayinchaoyu.

the best huayinchaoyu is the kind you really mean.

it's a lucky man that find he can tell his wife huayinchaoyu and it's the truth.

tell us the story.

Dont talk that way shooter, have read many of your posts.

Easy to see your a good man. You have lived there so you

know the word (vary) has more meanings than anyother

country. I didnt find my wife the way 99% of us do.

Thats a very long story.

Sure her family matters but you have a good woman beside.

Thats what realy matters right?

There is also the gift of a good man for a never married daughter.

you have a special family in China. yours is beter than mine, and I thought I had it good.

[ididntdoit 0]

Shooter I would be banned for putting everyone to sleep.

Have no way in short form to explain this story. Nothing

is normal (to use that word) about how we meet or

anything else. You remember when you were young

older folks would say things you knew didn't happen,

or didn't belive at the time?

Sounds funny i'm sure but my Grandma told me one day

maybe you will be one of the lucky ones and find your

meant to be. Yeh ok your crazy. 45 years latter for some

not meant to be reason I (we) meet. After doing my best

to aviod this woman, emails, phone calls, everynight on

yahoo she would be there 12am. Sweety, Little White guy

are you there? I will wait for you ok?

She never stopped no matter what I did. So talked with her.

She told me many things one of them was this.

In her chinglish way she told me what her Mom said and

that she belived in it, do you belive in meant to be?

Next thing I knew I was head over heals. Maybe one month

after this woman told me she was coming here to marry.

And she did!! Still not sure how she did it being a never

married woman middleaged same as me. I picked her

butt up at the airport and it was like we have always known

each other. Her and here family had brought me gifts.

She even brought things for our home, table runner for

the kicthen table, nick knacks, even some clothes for

me to wear. She brought the love of not only her but

her family also. Anyway two days latter all my family

went with us to the county courthouse and we got married.

The worst day of both of our lives was when she had to

go home. At the airport there was a (young hug couple).

Wife called them, we both just sat there and did the same.

Couldn't stop the hugs and tears. Never known what lost

realy meant until that day. I mean completly lost.

Am middle aged, seen a lot, been through two lifetimes

but that feeling I have never had to live in that way.

Sorry did turn out to long, can't help it. Not even started

yet in truth. Its close to 4 years now, two since my sweet

woman has been living here. Many trips to China being with

my family there. I guess Grandma was right. As dumb as

most would say it is. For us thats the only way we know

to call it. Have no other way to say.

a good chinese woman is well worth any bride price, no matter what words are used to arrange.

the best words to get one with are huayinchaoyu.

the best huayinchaoyu is the kind you really mean.

it's a lucky man that find he can tell his wife huayinchaoyu and it's the truth.

tell us the story.

Dont talk that way shooter, have read many of your posts.

Easy to see your a good man. You have lived there so you

know the word (vary) has more meanings than anyother

country. I didnt find my wife the way 99% of us do.

Thats a very long story.

Sure her family matters but you have a good woman beside.

Thats what realy matters right?

There is also the gift of a good man for a never married daughter.

you have a special family in China. yours is beter than mine, and I thought I had it good.

[justashooter 430]

...

The worst day of both of our lives was when she had to

go home. At the airport there was a (young hug couple).

Wife called them, we both just sat there and did the same.

Couldn't stop the hugs and tears. Never known what lost

realy meant until that day. I mean completly lost.

Am middle aged, seen a lot, been through two lifetimes

but that feeling I have never had to live in that way.

...

well that captures it, and i know what you mean. great story.