Gifts to the bride's family

[pushbrk 13,167]

Yes, it's old European tradition for the bride's family to bear the cost of a wedding in return for not having to continue to feed the unproductive female child and the Eastern tradition to be compensated for providing a servant and breeding stock. Both are outdated and ridiculous by any modern standard but traditions do tend to tenaciously maintain their grasp on societies.

[Jaseball 0]

Yes, it's old European tradition for the bride's family to bear the cost of a wedding in return for not having to continue to feed the unproductive female child and the Eastern tradition to be compensated for providing a servant and breeding stock. Both are outdated and ridiculous by any modern standard but traditions do tend to tenaciously maintain their grasp on societies.

Yep. I think it has to work for the couple and in most cases, more so for the bride. Most guys I know just want the girl and want her to be happy, but hopefully within reason.

What is 'reasonable,' really ranges all over the place too. How wealthy are the couple? First, Second, Third or more marriage? Age of the people involved? What do the in-laws want and expect?

Heck, for some people spending $40K+ for a wedding is just 6 months or less worth of saving, for others $40K would take 5+ years to save, and for others still they spend $40K on flower arrangements.

Most modern day couples from what I have seen, at least in America budget out and plan their own wedding and take care of expenses. Parent's from both sides then chip in what they can afford or come to some agreement.

[kraigster 0]

I would like to thank everyone for their input and experience in this matter. I believe we have resolved the matter with the parents. After much negotiating and trust, the amount has been reduced to 30,000 yuan with half do before the interview and the other half do before the actual wedding. If she doesn't pass the interview for some reason then the 15,000 will be returned to me. I thought about and have agreed to their wishes. It still makes me think that in some strange way that I am purchasing a wife LOL. I hope their are no more surprises like this. I thought I understood a little bit about Chinese culture but he culture threw me a curveball on this one. Wish us luck.

[pushbrk 13,167]

I would like to thank everyone for their input and experience in this matter. I believe we have resolved the matter with the parents. After much negotiating and trust, the amount has been reduced to 30,000 yuan with half do before the interview and the other half do before the actual wedding. If she doesn't pass the interview for some reason then the 15,000 will be returned to me. I thought about and have agreed to their wishes. It still makes me think that in some strange way that I am purchasing a wife LOL. I hope their are no more surprises like this. I thought I understood a little bit about Chinese culture but he culture threw me a curveball on this one. Wish us luck.

If her interview travel, medical and visa fee are coming out of the $15,000 that will eat up a lot of it. At this point you're looking at about the cost of one trip to China or less.

[kraigster 0]

I would like to thank everyone for their input and experience in this matter. I believe we have resolved the matter with the parents. After much negotiating and trust, the amount has been reduced to 30,000 yuan with half do before the interview and the other half do before the actual wedding. If she doesn't pass the interview for some reason then the 15,000 will be returned to me. I thought about and have agreed to their wishes. It still makes me think that in some strange way that I am purchasing a wife LOL. I hope their are no more surprises like this. I thought I understood a little bit about Chinese culture but he culture threw me a curveball on this one. Wish us luck.

If her interview travel, medical and visa fee are coming out of the $15,000 that will eat up a lot of it. At this point you're looking at about the cost of one trip to China or less.

Actually I have given her money to travel from north China to Guangzhou, Medical exam and money for some notarizations. I will be there with her at the time of the interview and hopefully we can come directly back to states. The 15,000 yuan is for the parents but I have a gut feeling that they will not be spending it and have set it aside for her as just in case money. When I was in China last year, I didn't get a chance to meet them or see where they live but I think they might be well off.

[pushbrk 13,167]

I would like to thank everyone for their input and experience in this matter. I believe we have resolved the matter with the parents. After much negotiating and trust, the amount has been reduced to 30,000 yuan with half do before the interview and the other half do before the actual wedding. If she doesn't pass the interview for some reason then the 15,000 will be returned to me. I thought about and have agreed to their wishes. It still makes me think that in some strange way that I am purchasing a wife LOL. I hope their are no more surprises like this. I thought I understood a little bit about Chinese culture but he culture threw me a curveball on this one. Wish us luck.

If her interview travel, medical and visa fee are coming out of the $15,000 that will eat up a lot of it. At this point you're looking at about the cost of one trip to China or less.

Actually I have given her money to travel from north China to Guangzhou, Medical exam and money for some notarizations. I will be there with her at the time of the interview and hopefully we can come directly back to states. The 15,000 yuan is for the parents but I have a gut feeling that they will not be spending it and have set it aside for her as just in case money. When I was in China last year, I didn't get a chance to meet them or see where they live but I think they might be well off.

You not meeting them may well have a lot to do with their request for money.

[BobandXiaomei 14]

Gift's for the family? I gave my mother-in-law some American gingseg which is considered among many the best (others may argue) and a sign of my sincere caring for her health. I gave brothers and sisters American Silver Eagle coins in the fancy cases you get from the US Mint. I also brough over Godiva chocolates.

The only money I left was for offsetting lao po's expenses on me while I was there (I was never allowed to pay for anything directly except small souvenirs) and she was reluctant to accpet that. I also left her with money to travel to GUZ and then to the USA. I asked about paying the family (even though this was her 2nd marriage) and she said her family doesn't do that as they only want her husband to be sincere in his love for her and daughter.

Edited March 25, 2008 by BobandXiaomei

[Ngoc-Anh 1]

don't know about each family...8000 dollars is a whole bunch of money.

I am half chinese and my family are really traditional as well.

We had also gift and money during our engagement and our wedding but it is more as a symbol that will

be returned to the couple at the end of the ceremony as a gift for a new start together.

I do not want to indicate that you are getting scamed or anything but you might want to find out a little bit more about the 8000 dollars!

Good luck

[B&J.S 0]

Well, I am from China mainland, things like this really depends. Some parents wants alot, and I had a colleague here, she's chinese of course and she married to a chinese guy, but her mom wants 500 000 RMB plus a big apartment, a car and a good stable job... My mom refers to $3000, but in my case, since I am the only one child for my mom so no matter how much it will still be mine eventually ...

So talk to your fiance and see...

Good Luck!!!

Traditionally the thought was that the female in the Chinese family side raised the daughter and when she is married she becomes totally part of the husband's house - doing chores, raising kids, staying at home, etc.

The time, money, etc., spent on raising the female daughter and then losing her to the groom's family was compensated by large financial contributions by the groom, including lavish gifts, the groom's parent's buying a house for the couple to live in, etc.

Of course on the American side the father of the bride is supposed to shell out the cash for a lavish wedding and for getting the couple on their feet.

Now, imagine if you are an American with a boy and a girl and your son decided to marry a Chinese girl, while your daughter wants to marry an American and you are supposed to follow tradition.

My own take is you have to consider all areas and really talk out what your partner expects, what the in-laws expect and then reach a logical compromise. Given that an American marrying a Chinese involves two very different cultures it means there has to be a middle ground. To have us dismissing all the traditions is rude and possibly destructive to the marriage, but at the same time to expect an American to perform 100% of the traditions of a Chinese wedding is also ridiculous.

I've always felt ill thinking about couples who spend an insane amount of money and over 1 year planning traditional American weddings where the bride wants to act like a princess for a day and it has to be PERFECT.

Even in China marriage vows, the expectations, and the increased divorce rates should put the traditional ways of doing things into question. The marriage is supposed to be the union of two people, not a transfer of wealth, or extended family expected to toss large sums of money around, etc.

This thread does remind me that I really have to nail down some details and get expectations out in the open for my own situation. I've touched on the subject and joked around, but I need to spend time really thinking about how this is going to work.

[warpedbored 0]

Since there are 56 different ethnic groups in China, each with their own customs it is going to vary a lot. Still I would be wary of a family that wanted me to put up 8K before the visa is even approved.

[josephtaylor 0]

I Am engaged to Girl in China I have known for 2.5 years now. I have worked in the Guangdong area for many years and have Condo in Foshan , China. You are referring to what they call a ( Wealth tip ) that amount you state does seem abit overkill though. As a single man without my parents involved , I was asked to give 18000 yuan and host the wedding banquet in her hometown of Guizhou. Her older sister which was married 6 years ago , Her fiancee , which is chinese and poor had to get his parents to give the " Wealth tip " of 48,000 yuan as his parents were involved in this.

At least being that I am not of Chinese citizenship , I will not also have to host a 2nd wedding banquet in my own hometown which is customary for chinese to do. I have been to several traditional chinese weddings of friends and factory colleagues and it is something to be accustomed to , especially the absence of wedding gifts as we are used to seeing in the states , instead everyone gives the couple little red envelopes with cash inside. Maybe if you host the wedding banquet you can get part of the "Wealth tip " back. But personally unless you are super rich as the tip is supposed to be based on your net worth , I would argue for a lesser amount.

Joey

[juanita 0]

VISA APROBADA!!!

[endoftheroad 1]

Second marriage here for us and my Chinese bride's family wants only happiness for their daughter. When I met them I gave the mother some fancy chocolates and the father a fancy lighter. I also gave them a 17th century French lithograph for their house. They gave me a fancy Chinese tea set. I will host a nice dinner for the friends and family in China prior to my love coming to the USA for the American wedding (small ceremony and reception). I am also arranging the traditional photo setup in China. That's it. They're a frugal family and know I am not Mr. Moneybags, love and happiness is the key.

[AlanM 1]

I married my wife in China and she wanted to give her parents 100,000 RMB. They did not want and tried to give it back but she wanted them to have face because she was first of their 3 children to marry and she marry a foreign man and no one in her city/family had ever married a foreigner.

Did I think it was a lot? Yes

Did I check with other western and chinese people? Yes

Did they think it was out of custom or unreasonable? No because I not buy the house/car, etc

Did I do it? Yes because I loved her and not consider it was a scam

She has not given me any indication that the marriage was a scam. So do not be so quick to judge from just your experience or feelings.

[GloAndCole 22]

I married my wife in China and she wanted to give her parents 100,000 RMB. They did not want and tried to give it back but she wanted them to have face because she was first of their 3 children to marry and she marry a foreign man and no one in her city/family had ever married a foreigner.

Did I think it was a lot? Yes

Did I check with other western and chinese people? Yes

Did they think it was out of custom or unreasonable? No because I not buy the house/car, etc

Did I do it? Yes because I loved her and not consider it was a scam

She has not given me any indication that the marriage was a scam. So do not be so quick to judge from just your experience or feelings.

Holy cow 100K RMB equals to 14K USD!! I'm Chinese & we have the money thing too but nowadays parents dun ask for that much anymore esp. we need to have 2 receptions in both places with air tickets which cost us an arm and a leg. It's just a symbol to show the sincere it can be USD80 there is no strict requirement for the amount. For mainland Chinese standard it seems they're asking waaaay too much if you ask me.

As far as I know even in China lots of couple share the costs like what me and my hubby did. Even though I'm planning to pay a small amount of money gift to my parents when I get back to HK for the reception (I'm married) but they're planning to give it back to me as wedding cost. I just dun understand how come lots of ppl think their AMERICAN fiancé must pay for everything when we local ppl dun even follow this rule anymore? They aint ATM, isnt it more fair to share the cost for everything????

Glo

Edited April 15, 2009 by GloAndCole