racial name-calling among 6th graders at school

[maya62 7]

Last night our son came home and asked what "whigger" means. He's 12, and he's been in the US for about 2.5 years, and he's gone to public school since he arrived. He's adjusted remarkably well both academically and socially, thanks in part I'm sure to being an excellent athlete, which goes a long way amongst grade school boys.

But yesterday one of the other kids called him a "whigger", maybe because the other kids know his mom is Caucasian whereas he and his dad are dark-skinned Asians (the color of the Dalai Lama... lol). His birth mother is back in Nepal. We live in a small community and I've emailed the teacher about our conversation at home last night, and the teacher and I are on the same page about things. Our son definitely prefers a low-key approach, and we've talked about the situation at length (why it's a bad word, the derivation of the word, why beating the kid up is not a good idea, why the kid might've said that word, what would Buddha do, etc...), and I'm really proud of how he handled it, because, like he told me, "If this was Nepal I would've beaten him up, but this isn't Nepal, is it mummy?"

But here's my question: Are there any tried-and-true, creative responses to such an incident that will actually foster better understanding and positive growth as opposed to punishment/resentment/escalation, etc... ?? Does anyone know? Has anyone here encountered this before?

Thanks in advance for any words of wisdom anyone might have. I've only been a mom (stepmom) for these 2.5 years and I welcome input from those with more experience!!

Maya

[Sinergy 3]

I always tell my daughter, " dont worry they are just jealous of you" it always made her feel better however shes 12 now and can take care of herself.

Your son however is new to the country, and hes gonna get picked on, not just bc hes a boy but bc hes not from here. My advice is hug him and tell him that there are ugly ppl in this world, and he just needs to ignore them, bc hes not a whigger, and he knows hes not.

When hes 15, if it happens again, let him kick their #######'s

[Jenn! 918]

Sorry I don't really have any advice, but I don't really understand the term used in this way. How could it possibly apply to your son?

[Sinergy 3]

Sorry I don't really have any advice, but I don't really understand the term used in this way. How could it possibly apply to your son?

I was also thinking the same thing, when i was in school "whigger" was used to say a white boy/girl was trying to act black.

I dont see how it would apply to her son, but kids will say anything to be mean.

[Jenn! 918]

Sorry I don't really have any advice, but I don't really understand the term used in this way. How could it possibly apply to your son?

I was also thinking the same thing, when i was in school "whigger" was used to say a white boy/girl was trying to act black.

I dont see how it would apply to her son, but kids will say anything to be mean.

Right. So maybe the best way to put these kids in their place would be to put them in their place by pointing out that they don't even know the proper insults to use!

[Caladan 19]

Kids are a little dumb. 'Whigger' usually denotes a white person adopting stereotypical urban black mannerisms, speech patterns, and dress in order to seem authentically ghetto. Bonus if the whigger has a trust fund but thinks he's down with the homies.

But explaining that they've used the wrong race-based name calling is unlikely to help.

As far as handling it, I have to ask if this is an isolated incident or part of a general problem. If the former, which it sounds like, I think you've handled it exactly right. Your son's a good athlete and student, and if he's otherwise adjusting well, letting this one roll off his back is probably the best course of action.

If the latter, it wouldn't be a bad idea for the teacher to be a little more aware of the problem so she can catch it when it occurs and deal with it then.

[Peikko 1,575]

It appears to me that most of the name calling that goes on is an attempt by those kids who don't know any better to make themselves appear more important by comparitive means. So, instead of feeling good because you feel good, you feel good because of your place in a hierarchy. I know young kids don't feel comfortable if they don't feel as though they fit in, or they are visibly different from their peers but this should be the time to start to value the differences.

I think the most important thing therefore to teach your kid is to understand the importance of self worth. The value one places on oneself should be something derived from within not from the perception others have of you. I am not suggesting that kids learn some delusional fantasy about how fantastic they are but just that they learn to value themselves for what they are, recognising their talents as well as their flaws and learn to be comfortable with that who they are.

[chri'stina 190]

Kids are a little dumb. 'Whigger' usually denotes a white person adopting stereotypical urban black mannerisms, speech patterns, and dress in order to seem authentically ghetto. Bonus if the whigger has a trust fund but thinks he's down with the homies.

But explaining that they've used the wrong race-based name calling is unlikely to help.

As far as handling it, I have to ask if this is an isolated incident or part of a general problem. If the former, which it sounds like, I think you've handled it exactly right. Your son's a good athlete and student, and if he's otherwise adjusting well, letting this one roll off his back is probably the best course of action.

If the latter, it wouldn't be a bad idea for the teacher to be a little more aware of the problem so she can catch it when it occurs and deal with it then.

I agree about what whigger refers to. I heard it all the time growing up, someone saying that about someone(a white person, not about a mixed person) else who tried to act a certain way.

It's possible the kids don't even know what it means, and if they do it still doesn't make sense.

I agree with Caladan. If it's isolated, let it go. I wouldn't tell him they are mean because they are jealous of him. To me that doesn't sound good because then the child might think they are better than other people. I'd just say some kids are rude or don't care as much about others' feelings and to ignore them, or just say "why are you calling me that?" or say to them "who cares?". If it's a common problem then I agree about the teacher being more aware.

[Sinergy 3]

Kids are a little dumb. 'Whigger' usually denotes a white person adopting stereotypical urban black mannerisms, speech patterns, and dress in order to seem authentically ghetto. Bonus if the whigger has a trust fund but thinks he's down with the homies.

But explaining that they've used the wrong race-based name calling is unlikely to help.

As far as handling it, I have to ask if this is an isolated incident or part of a general problem. If the former, which it sounds like, I think you've handled it exactly right. Your son's a good athlete and student, and if he's otherwise adjusting well, letting this one roll off his back is probably the best course of action.

If the latter, it wouldn't be a bad idea for the teacher to be a little more aware of the problem so she can catch it when it occurs and deal with it then.

I agree about what whigger refers to. I heard it all the time growing up, someone saying that about someone(a white person, not about a mixed person) else who tried to act a certain way.

It's possible the kids don't even know what it means, and if they do it still doesn't make sense.

I agree with Caladan. If it's isolated, let it go. I wouldn't tell him they are mean because they are jealous of him. To me that doesn't sound good because then the child might think they are better than other people. I'd just say some kids are rude or don't care as much about others' feelings and to ignore them, or just say "why are you calling me that?" or say to them "who cares?". If it's a common problem then I agree about the teacher being more aware.

Its ok when they are in 1st or 2nd grade, they really dont understand a long drawn out explanation on why kids are really mean.

[maya62 7]

Thanks everyone for the feedback!

I don't think this kid knew what he was saying (ie, the true meaning of the word). I couldn't figure out that choice of epithet either, so I asked one of my coworkers and she's the one that said maybe they said it because they think he's bi-racial.

According to our son, this boy is known in school for being "negative". It's already in the hands of the teacher since one of the other kids who was there told him what had happened. He elected to turn it over to the administrator. But I think they will handle it in a pretty low-key way as it is a first incident (as far as I know).

Our son is tough. He's trim but tall and could probably pound the living cr*p out of this other boy, but we're trying to teach him good problem-solving skills. Besides, then our son would be in trouble instead of this other boy, which would probably suit the other boy just fine. My husband told him the story of how Buddha, when asked by a community member how to deal with someone who is being mean, asked the man: If someone gives you a gift and you don't accept it, to whom does it belong? So our son knows that, as long as he does not "engage", what D said belongs only to D.

I do appreciate the feedback and I hope it doesn't happen again! I respected his wishes this time not to come into school and talk to the teacher, but I doubt I'll have that kind of restraint if this happens again!

Maya

[Sinergy 3]

Thanks everyone for the feedback!

I don't think this kid knew what he was saying (ie, the true meaning of the word). I couldn't figure out that choice of epithet either, so I asked one of my coworkers and she's the one that said maybe they said it because they think he's bi-racial.

According to our son, this boy is known in school for being "negative". It's already in the hands of the teacher since one of the other kids who was there told him what had happened. He elected to turn it over to the administrator. But I think they will handle it in a pretty low-key way as it is a first incident (as far as I know).

Our son is tough. He's trim but tall and could probably pound the living cr*p out of this other boy, but we're trying to teach him good problem-solving skills. Besides, then our son would be in trouble instead of this other boy, which would probably suit the other boy just fine. My husband told him the story of how Buddha, when asked by a community member how to deal with someone who is being mean, asked the man: If someone gives you a gift and you don't accept it, to whom does it belong? So our son knows that, as long as he does not "engage", what D said belongs only to D.

I do appreciate the feedback and I hope it doesn't happen again! I respected his wishes this time not to come into school and talk to the teacher, but I doubt I'll have that kind of restraint if this happens again!

Maya