Curious about how long you've lived with SO.

[aravis227 1]

This topic came up on another forum I frequent (mostly they are telling me I'm dumb because I've never lived with my fiance). They are non-immigrationers, I was curious how my situation compared to other people here. We met on-line, have visited several times, voice/video chat every day, but never lived in the same city.

[sara..... 371]

This topic came up on another forum I frequent (mostly they are telling me I'm dumb because I've never lived with my fiance). They are non-immigrationers, I was curious how my situation compared to other people here. We met on-line, have visited several times, voice/video chat every day, but never lived in the same city.

hmm well because of religion and culture i have never lived with my fiance either........we have lived in the same house about a month at a time but always with a chaperon.....and for us chaperon means when ever we are even in the same room someone is with us .....and i dont think it is dumb to wait until ur married to be together.........we have been engaged for three years now......

and also have chat ./ web cam and phone calls too but we have learned a great deal about each other by verbal communication.......our way is not what everyones is but for us it is right.........and sure it has not always been easy......we fight just like any other couple.........but we work thru what ever the disagreement is........

Edited March 19, 2008 by estadia

[*JG* 2]

I didn't live with Andre for longer then two weeks at a time before he moved here.

We've been married nearly two years now.

Ignore the hater idiots!

[JULIAFERNO 0]

I didn't live with Andre for longer then two weeks at a time before he moved here.

We've been married nearly two years now.

Ignore the hater idiots!

I personally felt the need to live in the same city with my SO before beginning the visa process, but that's just me. I moved to Turkey for 5 months, and lived with my SO - we learned a lot more about each other and it only affirmed my belief that I wanted to marry him. Do I think that's necessary for everyone? No. Do I think it might shed light on a relationship that might not work in the day-to-day living together situation? Sure.

My father also brought his wife over from the Ukraine on a K1 visa about 7 years ago - they had never lived together before and probably only spent a total of 6 weeks together before she moved to the US. They are happily married with two children of their own.

Different strokes for different folks!

[*JG* 2]

I guess I should've said I visited my BF/fiance every month for almost two years. I just never stayed for longer then 2 weeks at a time.

There are many different ways to get to know someone.

Uprooting my whole life and then coming back to try and patch it back together were not how I saw myself.

[Jenn! 918]

We lived together for about a year and a half before getting engaged. Personally, I would have a hard time marrying someone who I hadn't lived with, but tons of people do it. Whatever works for you!

[aravis227 1]

Uprooting my whole life and then coming back to try and patch it back together were not how I saw myself.

That's why we haven't lived together. He owns his house in Canada, so it would be hard to do a long-term visit when he wouldn't be able to work while he was here. If I went there, I'd have to quit my job and get rid of my apartment...and that seems silly when we'd be moving back here anyway.

I was just curious if I was the abnormal one. We're all in a fairly odd situation compared to the "norm".

[Zee Bee 61]

We have never lived together and are not until we get married.

[*JG* 2]

The thing is, there is no set way to do this to ensure it works out in the end.

Have you seen the stats on divorced people who lived together before marriage? It's no better then those who haven't. It's all a crapshoot.

No, you are not alone.

[Sal and Jay 2]

This topic came up on another forum I frequent (mostly they are telling me I'm dumb because I've never lived with my fiance). They are non-immigrationers, I was curious how my situation compared to other people here. We met on-line, have visited several times, voice/video chat every day, but never lived in the same city.

I think it depends on your situation, Jay and I have been having this relationship for 7 years and have visited each other every 6 months, we talk every day on the phone for about an hour, some friends have said you probably spend more time talking to each other than normal people do.lol. He came here in September for 2 weeks and I then went back with him for a month, so that was 6 weeks. So looking forward to spending the rest of our lives together.

[AlHayatZween 2]

The thing is, there is no set way to do this to ensure it works out in the end.

Absolutely, i agree.

We were lucky, my fiance moved in with me for the last six months before i returned to the US. But that was our choice and we had a unique situation.

Lots of people don't live together before they get married. A lot of our parents, for example... and a lot of our parents have been married for 30, 40, 50 years... God bless them.

And lots of people who do live together before marrying end up divorced.

Just stay strong and don't listen to anyone else. Believe in yourself and in your sweetheart.

hz

[SonoranSongbird 3]

We've only visited, anything from a long weekend to two weeks. It helps that we live on the same continent and are only one time zone difference so we can have frequent visits (usually it has been one to two months between visits) and we can talk on the phone every night.

Living with someone for over five years does not guarantee that you won't one day wake up and find the person sleeping next to you feels like a stranger. And, as Sara says, there are many ways to get to know a person. If my fiance lived across town from me, we would have spent the first few months seeing each other once or twice a week and doing things like hiking or going to movies and such. I suppose we eventually would have gotten to know each other more intimately, but I think the way we've had to go about things as a long distance couple have forced us to get to know each other on a deeper level much sooner.

In any case, plenty of couples who do not have to deal with immigration don't live together before marriage---and many non-immigrant marriages begin as long distance relationships as well. Just recently, I saw an article that said that 53% of couples move in together prior to marrying (and I am not sure how many of those only move in together after getting engaged). My parents are about to celebrate their 45th wedding anniversary, and they got engaged only three months after meeting for the first time. A good friend of mine moved across the country from California to Minnesota to marry a man she'd met online. It's not like couples who have to immigrate to marry are all that different from many other couples in this respect.

[JULIAFERNO 0]

The thing is, there is no set way to do this to ensure it works out in the end.

Have you seen the stats on divorced people who lived together before marriage? It's no better then those who haven't. It's all a crapshoot.

No, you are not alone.

Very true. I don't think living together/not living together and staying married/getting divorced is a cause and effect relationship. A relationship works if the two people involved are compatible (among other things). Living together may only speed up the realization that you are in fact, right for each other or that you are not. My best friend is going through a divorce right now - her husband and her were together for 3 years in a long distance relationship and only saw eachother for weekends or a week or two at a time before they got married. She says now that if they had lived together or in the same city beforehand, the relationship probably would have ended. It's not that they are getting divorced because they never lived together, but because they were not right for each other and never truly discovered that until after they were married.

Hmm...does that make any sense at all?

[Alex & Rachel 78]

I lived for four years with a boyfriend and yet I am certain that I know Alex so much better as a person. Living with someone or not living with someone doesn't affect the amount that you can effectively communicate.

[aravis227 1]

My mom has been married twice and lived with both of them before they got married...she's also been divorced twice. Dennis' parents met each other right before his mom had to go back to Germany (she was in Canada on a visitor's visa), they never lived together, and then went through Canadian immigrations to get married, they just had their 40th anniversary. So I completely agree that living together beforehand has nothing to do with your success as a married couple. It's more about how compatible you are as people and how hard you're willing to work to make it through the hard times.