What are the legalities of desertion after green card is recieved

[Dennis Miller 0]

Dennis,

This surely is an unhappy situation for you but you don't make it sound like a fraud case. If you know where your wife is and she's simply decided to independantly earn the money to pay for her mother's medical care, perhaps the situation is simply that you don't live together for the time being. Perhaps you can work out a way to continue your relationship while temporarily living apart.

It doesn't sound like she's done anything illegal. It is very common for a Chinese woman's marriage choice to be a practical one rather than an emotional one. They then choose to give their love to the husband they've chosen. They also tend to take a long term view of life and relationships that would make a year or more apart while she fulfils her filial obligations independant of her husband seem far more reasonable to her than it would to you or me.

Perhaps you'll want explore her thoughts and feeling in this vein.

Thank you for your reply! I replied to this post yesterday but do not see it here now? I understand that she wants to work to pay for the medical care but why not work at the city where you live? There would be no living expenses that way. What if mommas medical care can not wait for two or three more years? You said that " they then choose to give their love to the husband they've chosen". Please, would you explain this to me as I don't understand? Thank you!

What I'm saying is that it is common for a Chinese woman to choose whom she will love based at least as much on practical matters as on any romantic attraction. It's more of a decision to love than a process of falling in love in the beginning. The decision and the loving often precede the "in love" part of the relationship. The Catch 22, of course, is that we fall in love with them usually long before their "in love" stage begins.

If I understand you correctly you are saying that she chose me for practicality not love and she may not be in love with me?

I'm saying that's a distinct possibility, though she may have chosen to give her love to you. "In love" is not generally a requirement in advance of commitment from a Chinese woman. So, her commitment may well be intact. Communication will be required to know the answer.

So if she doesn't love me then why stay in the relationship? She just wants me for security? So far I have found her to be truthful but will avoid questions she doesn't want to answer. She may never be in love with me.

You are confusing "loving you" with "being in love". I suppose it's a common error but they are not the same thing in any culture. Again, I'm only pointing out a possibility for you to consider. I don't know your wife or anything about your relationship you haven't written here.

I do suggest you learn more about how the Chinese view marriage. You'll get a lot more opinions and probably a better understanding if you'll read previous discussions or start your own in the culture forum at http://www.candleforlove.com It's a forum like this but just for China/USA fiance and marriage visa issues.

Living apart for extended period due to work issues is just not uncommon for Chinese couples. Some patience may be all you need to end up with a wonderful wife and happy life.

Thank you for your help! You have explained many things to me. I appreciate you taking the time to do so! I must admit that I do not understand the difference between loving someone and being in love, I'm sorry. If I love someone then I am in love with them. I have tried to register on Candle for over a week now. Cannot get a confirmation returned to me. I have logged in with a friends information and posted. I have contacted them about not being able to register and get the confirmation but have yet to hear back from them! I don't know what else to do?

[Jengles 0]

I don't think u should move there. I think you should go and visit, that isn't unreasonable...where is she working?? sounds like it is a sweatshop and who got her the job?? sounds like a hook-up for work and maybe she's worried about getting a job near you because she can't speak English. I would take a trip and figure out what is going on?

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

I wanted to just add something. She went home for a visit according to what you said and then when she returned nary a month later moved to work in a restaurant. My ex is Chinese from mainland China. There are "entrepreneurs" in China who loan money for work in the US. Your mother in law may have already had the procedure completed and it being an emergency your wife agreed to the loan because it can be worked off in a year. IT usually means that you work where they assign you to work and they provide rather poor housing and the hours are very long. It's only a step above slave labor. It's very very common here. I mention it because the things you said, sound suspiciously like this could be one thing that might have happened. On her honor, she will work and pay it off. You may want to book a hotel room and try to have an honest face to face talk with your wife. It's a little odd that she doesn't speak english and you don't speak chinese. What language do you communicate in?

[pushbrk 13,073]

I wanted to just add something. She went home for a visit according to what you said and then when she returned nary a month later moved to work in a restaurant. My ex is Chinese from mainland China. There are "entrepreneurs" in China who loan money for work in the US. Your mother in law may have already had the procedure completed and it being an emergency your wife agreed to the loan because it can be worked off in a year. IT usually means that you work where they assign you to work and they provide rather poor housing and the hours are very long. It's only a step above slave labor. It's very very common here. I mention it because the things you said, sound suspiciously like this could be one thing that might have happened. On her honor, she will work and pay it off. You may want to book a hotel room and try to have an honest face to face talk with your wife. It's a little odd that she doesn't speak english and you don't speak chinese. What language do you communicate in?

Excellent point. This is quite common and would be easy for your wife to find such an arrangement since she has a green card. If so, she would be concerned about losing face by telling her husband about it.

[pushbrk 13,073]

Thank you for your help! You have explained many things to me. I appreciate you taking the time to do so! I must admit that I do not understand the difference between loving someone and being in love, I'm sorry. If I love someone then I am in love with them. I have tried to register on Candle for over a week now. Cannot get a confirmation returned to me. I have logged in with a friends information and posted. I have contacted them about not being able to register and get the confirmation but have yet to hear back from them! I don't know what else to do?

I suspect you probably do understand the difference. Do you have a mother, father, sister, son or daughter? Have you ever been in love and then found that love grew stronger. Do you realize "love" is also a verb, not just a noun/feeling?

[Jengles 0]

I wanted to just add something. She went home for a visit according to what you said and then when she returned nary a month later moved to work in a restaurant. My ex is Chinese from mainland China. There are "entrepreneurs" in China who loan money for work in the US. Your mother in law may have already had the procedure completed and it being an emergency your wife agreed to the loan because it can be worked off in a year. IT usually means that you work where they assign you to work and they provide rather poor housing and the hours are very long. It's only a step above slave labor. It's very very common here. I mention it because the things you said, sound suspiciously like this could be one thing that might have happened. On her honor, she will work and pay it off. You may want to book a hotel room and try to have an honest face to face talk with your wife. It's a little odd that she doesn't speak english and you don't speak chinese. What language do you communicate in?

Excellent point. This is quite common and would be easy for your wife to find such an arrangement since she has a green card. If so, she would be concerned about losing face by telling her husband about it.

This does sound reasonable to me, at $25,000 for the surgery, her mother would be dead or dying before she made that kind of money. If that is the case see if you can arrange payments to be made instead of work and your wife was probably a good candidate because she already had a visa.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

I wanted to just add something. She went home for a visit according to what you said and then when she returned nary a month later moved to work in a restaurant. My ex is Chinese from mainland China. There are "entrepreneurs" in China who loan money for work in the US. Your mother in law may have already had the procedure completed and it being an emergency your wife agreed to the loan because it can be worked off in a year. IT usually means that you work where they assign you to work and they provide rather poor housing and the hours are very long. It's only a step above slave labor. It's very very common here. I mention it because the things you said, sound suspiciously like this could be one thing that might have happened. On her honor, she will work and pay it off. You may want to book a hotel room and try to have an honest face to face talk with your wife. It's a little odd that she doesn't speak english and you don't speak chinese. What language do you communicate in?

Excellent point. This is quite common and would be easy for your wife to find such an arrangement since she has a green card. If so, she would be concerned about losing face by telling her husband about it.

This does sound reasonable to me, at $25,000 for the surgery, her mother would be dead or dying before she made that kind of money. If that is the case see if you can arrange payments to be made instead of work and your wife was probably a good candidate because she already had a visa.

I doubt it. The surgery probably only cost about $10,000 if this is what happened. They want cheap labor in the US. It increases their profits exponentially here. It would also set a precedent if they accepted a loan repayment program. These operations often don't have the nicest people working in China. Meaning mafiaesque, if you know what I mean.

[pushbrk 13,073]

I wanted to just add something. She went home for a visit according to what you said and then when she returned nary a month later moved to work in a restaurant. My ex is Chinese from mainland China. There are "entrepreneurs" in China who loan money for work in the US. Your mother in law may have already had the procedure completed and it being an emergency your wife agreed to the loan because it can be worked off in a year. IT usually means that you work where they assign you to work and they provide rather poor housing and the hours are very long. It's only a step above slave labor. It's very very common here. I mention it because the things you said, sound suspiciously like this could be one thing that might have happened. On her honor, she will work and pay it off. You may want to book a hotel room and try to have an honest face to face talk with your wife. It's a little odd that she doesn't speak english and you don't speak chinese. What language do you communicate in?

Excellent point. This is quite common and would be easy for your wife to find such an arrangement since she has a green card. If so, she would be concerned about losing face by telling her husband about it.

This does sound reasonable to me, at $25,000 for the surgery, her mother would be dead or dying before she made that kind of money. If that is the case see if you can arrange payments to be made instead of work and your wife was probably a good candidate because she already had a visa.

When speaking of how things work in China, what you or I might consider reasonable is hardly relevant.

[Jengles 0]

I wanted to just add something. She went home for a visit according to what you said and then when she returned nary a month later moved to work in a restaurant. My ex is Chinese from mainland China. There are "entrepreneurs" in China who loan money for work in the US. Your mother in law may have already had the procedure completed and it being an emergency your wife agreed to the loan because it can be worked off in a year. IT usually means that you work where they assign you to work and they provide rather poor housing and the hours are very long. It's only a step above slave labor. It's very very common here. I mention it because the things you said, sound suspiciously like this could be one thing that might have happened. On her honor, she will work and pay it off. You may want to book a hotel room and try to have an honest face to face talk with your wife. It's a little odd that she doesn't speak english and you don't speak chinese. What language do you communicate in?

Excellent point. This is quite common and would be easy for your wife to find such an arrangement since she has a green card. If so, she would be concerned about losing face by telling her husband about it.

This does sound reasonable to me, at $25,000 for the surgery, her mother would be dead or dying before she made that kind of money. If that is the case see if you can arrange payments to be made instead of work and your wife was probably a good candidate because she already had a visa.

When speaking of how things work in China, what you or I might consider reasonable is hardly relevant.

I meant reasonable in what Bassi and Zainab typed is what happened, what you responded excellent point too

[pushbrk 13,073]

I wanted to just add something. She went home for a visit according to what you said and then when she returned nary a month later moved to work in a restaurant. My ex is Chinese from mainland China. There are "entrepreneurs" in China who loan money for work in the US. Your mother in law may have already had the procedure completed and it being an emergency your wife agreed to the loan because it can be worked off in a year. IT usually means that you work where they assign you to work and they provide rather poor housing and the hours are very long. It's only a step above slave labor. It's very very common here. I mention it because the things you said, sound suspiciously like this could be one thing that might have happened. On her honor, she will work and pay it off. You may want to book a hotel room and try to have an honest face to face talk with your wife. It's a little odd that she doesn't speak english and you don't speak chinese. What language do you communicate in?

Excellent point. This is quite common and would be easy for your wife to find such an arrangement since she has a green card. If so, she would be concerned about losing face by telling her husband about it.

This does sound reasonable to me, at $25,000 for the surgery, her mother would be dead or dying before she made that kind of money. If that is the case see if you can arrange payments to be made instead of work and your wife was probably a good candidate because she already had a visa.

When speaking of how things work in China, what you or I might consider reasonable is hardly relevant.

I meant reasonable in what Bassi and Zainab typed is what happened, what you responded excellent point too

Right. Expecting to switch from the arrangement described to a payment arrangement of even a buyout is what's not a reasonable expectation.

Whether $25,000 is reasonable for her medical expenses would depend on the needs and the hospital. Costs vary widely.

If I were the OP, I'd find a native speaking female Chinese translator near where his wife is staying, to accompany him for a visit. Not a confrontation, a visit.

I wouldn't be surprised if the circumstances of such an arrangement (if that's what it is) included her family consumating the agreement in her behalf without consulting her first. The Chinese take filial responsibility very seriously.

Edited March 25, 2008 by pushbrk

[Austin_Volgograd 0]

Well, if you offered to pay for her mothers heart surgery and she has not taken it...it does sound like a feeble excuse to get away.

I think you need to find out how to withdraw your Affidavit of Support.

Too late to withdraw Affidavit of Support. That must be done before a green card is issued. And because they were married for two years prior to applying for the green card, she was entitled to the 10-year permanent green card. There are no conditions on this green card.

[silat 0]

Just wondering how do you communicate ..... get divorce and better luck next time!

[Dennis Miller 0]

I don't think u should move there. I think you should go and visit, that isn't unreasonable...where is she working?? sounds like it is a sweatshop and who got her the job?? sounds like a hook-up for work and maybe she's worried about getting a job near you because she can't speak English. I would take a trip and figure out what is going on?

I do not know the name of the place, all I know is the city name. It's suposed to be a hotel with a restaurant. She lives in a dormitory with other Asians. When she left I was told that she would be working in a different city and living with her girlfriend. She found the original job through an chinese employment agency in S.F. and her girlfriend but that is not where she is now.

[Dennis Miller 0]

I wanted to just add something. She went home for a visit according to what you said and then when she returned nary a month later moved to work in a restaurant. My ex is Chinese from mainland China. There are "entrepreneurs" in China who loan money for work in the US. Your mother in law may have already had the procedure completed and it being an emergency your wife agreed to the loan because it can be worked off in a year. IT usually means that you work where they assign you to work and they provide rather poor housing and the hours are very long. It's only a step above slave labor. It's very very common here. I mention it because the things you said, sound suspiciously like this could be one thing that might have happened. On her honor, she will work and pay it off. You may want to book a hotel room and try to have an honest face to face talk with your wife. It's a little odd that she doesn't speak english and you don't speak chinese. What language do you communicate in?

Excellent point. This is quite common and would be easy for your wife to find such an arrangement since she has a green card. If so, she would be concerned about losing face by telling her husband about it.

This does sound reasonable to me, at $25,000 for the surgery, her mother would be dead or dying before she made that kind of money. If that is the case see if you can arrange payments to be made instead of work and your wife was probably a good candidate because she already had a visa.

When speaking of how things work in China, what you or I might consider reasonable is hardly relevant.

I meant reasonable in what Bassi and Zainab typed is what happened, what you responded excellent point too

Right. Expecting to switch from the arrangement described to a payment arrangement of even a buyout is what's not a reasonable expectation.

Whether $25,000 is reasonable for her medical expenses would depend on the needs and the hospital. Costs vary widely.

If I were the OP, I'd find a native speaking female Chinese translator near where his wife is staying, to accompany him for a visit. Not a confrontation, a visit.

I wouldn't be surprised if the circumstances of such an arrangement (if that's what it is) included her family consumating the agreement in her behalf without consulting her first. The Chinese take filial responsibility very seriously.

If I do go there and confront her, if I can find her, I fear she would lose face and I know that is a bad thing for Chinese. She would not forgive me I fear. The operation cost $25,000.00 US dollars not yuan. This does sound like a possibility of what has happened as I wasn't given details of where she would be working, she's living in a dormitory with other Asians, working 11 hour days, six days a week. Where in the US is there NO phone available? No mailing address? I also understand that her sister in China is now working long hours there and she has a small child. I don't know what to do?

[pushbrk 13,073]

I wanted to just add something. She went home for a visit according to what you said and then when she returned nary a month later moved to work in a restaurant. My ex is Chinese from mainland China. There are "entrepreneurs" in China who loan money for work in the US. Your mother in law may have already had the procedure completed and it being an emergency your wife agreed to the loan because it can be worked off in a year. IT usually means that you work where they assign you to work and they provide rather poor housing and the hours are very long. It's only a step above slave labor. It's very very common here. I mention it because the things you said, sound suspiciously like this could be one thing that might have happened. On her honor, she will work and pay it off. You may want to book a hotel room and try to have an honest face to face talk with your wife. It's a little odd that she doesn't speak english and you don't speak chinese. What language do you communicate in?

Excellent point. This is quite common and would be easy for your wife to find such an arrangement since she has a green card. If so, she would be concerned about losing face by telling her husband about it.

This does sound reasonable to me, at $25,000 for the surgery, her mother would be dead or dying before she made that kind of money. If that is the case see if you can arrange payments to be made instead of work and your wife was probably a good candidate because she already had a visa.

When speaking of how things work in China, what you or I might consider reasonable is hardly relevant.

I meant reasonable in what Bassi and Zainab typed is what happened, what you responded excellent point too

Right. Expecting to switch from the arrangement described to a payment arrangement of even a buyout is what's not a reasonable expectation.

Whether $25,000 is reasonable for her medical expenses would depend on the needs and the hospital. Costs vary widely.

If I were the OP, I'd find a native speaking female Chinese translator near where his wife is staying, to accompany him for a visit. Not a confrontation, a visit.

I wouldn't be surprised if the circumstances of such an arrangement (if that's what it is) included her family consumating the agreement in her behalf without consulting her first. The Chinese take filial responsibility very seriously.

If I do go there and confront her, if I can find her, I fear she would lose face and I know that is a bad thing for Chinese. She would not forgive me I fear. The operation cost $25,000.00 US dollars not yuan. This does sound like a possibility of what has happened as I wasn't given details of where she would be working, she's living in a dormitory with other Asians, working 11 hour days, six days a week. Where in the US is there NO phone available? No mailing address? I also understand that her sister in China is now working long hours there and she has a small child. I don't know what to do?

I said NOT a confrontation, a visit. Of course she'd lose face if you confronted her. She's your wife. Surely you can arrange to visit her. Communication, not confrontation.