How much do you really know about your MENA man?

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Tammy, I'm glad you see it that way-- it's a much healthier outlook. Anyway, you know my position on this which is to stop his papers since you're legally and financially responsible now for a man you are divircing even after your divorce. it's not about vengence, it's about protecting your family. How is it fair if on his W4s he decides to put he is supporting 6 people and then when he leaves you're stuck with a 10k bill from the IRS for a man you divroced even before he started working? Just think about your children first and yourself second and let him be. if you don't have a marriage and continue letting him get papers off of you, you're actually commiting fraud-- which is something you don't want to be dragged into either (or your family.) So no, it's not always about being cold or revenge or vengence, it's about doing what is legal and doing what is moral for your family There's nothing bad about that.

[doodlebugg 10]

great advice! maintaining dignity and self-respecting behavior is the last thing anyone needs in that kind of situation!

I"m confused. Who were you talking to in this post? I believe Tammy has retained her self respect and dignity and I commend her on sticking to her guns. Some women would keep this going and not admit when it's over.

[Caladan 19]

I also have to add that I don't see the value in most of the tests, because they all involve asking someone who may be trying to deceive you whether he's trying to deceive you, or generalizing so broadly about human behavior as to be useless.

The only cure is to know the culture, the language, and to know the person a long time before getting married. Anything less than that may work out well, but it's still a risk.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

great advice! maintaining dignity and self-respecting behavior is the last thing anyone needs in that kind of situation!

I"m confused. Who were you talking to in this post? I believe Tammy has retained her self respect and dignity and I commend her on sticking to her guns. Some women would keep this going and not admit when it's over.

[~Jackie~ 30]

I kept it going til I saw the back of his head as he walked to his truck with his suitcases.

And for admitting it was over, that took another 8 months.

jJ

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

great advice! maintaining dignity and self-respecting behavior is the last thing anyone needs in that kind of situation!

I"m confused. Who were you talking to in this post? I believe Tammy has retained her self respect and dignity and I commend her on sticking to her guns. Some women would keep this going and not admit when it's over.

Its most likely me.....and tammy we love you...stay strong

[irahaymeh 0]

Hi Tammy,

Julianna has some very good points about immigration fraud and protecting you and your family. I totally agree with her. You and your family are in my prayers and I pray that God will lead you to take the right direction for your protection. Situations like this make me so angry but I appreciate you sharing so that I and others can keep our eyes open for the red flags.

[sereia 0]

AMEN Julianna! Please do this for your kids, Tammy. This guy does NOT deserve your help. !!!!

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I also have to add that I don't see the value in most of the tests, because they all involve asking someone who may be trying to deceive you whether he's trying to deceive you, or generalizing so broadly about human behavior as to be useless.

The only cure is to know the culture, the language, and to know the person a long time before getting married. Anything less than that may work out well, but it's still a risk.

If we all paid attention to culture very very carefully,none of us would marry them...in their culture divorce is not accepted,neither is kids from other marriages,most would never marry an arab woman much older or who cannot have kids....Most of our marriages defy popular arab culture..If you have travelled there are really know arabic culture..you know that...Some relationships defy the odds....but many don't...certain mena are stricter than others....North African even with high marriage fraud has a stronger relationship with the west..algerian moroccan egyptian than the crescent who dont speakfor example french or were colonised...They accept marriages for papers....but sticking with it?Its a sad harsh reality...Jackie has some very honest insights into her own marriage .....and sad to say they completely reflect many mena mens perception of americans

Jackie,I think he loved you...I think he was pressured to leave...for kids,etc...I do think he loved you..Not that it matters now..

Tammys husband doesnt touch her...this is hugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggeeeeeeeeeee

[Caladan 19]

If we all paid attention to culture very very carefully,none of us would marry them

That doesn't strike me as a reason to ignore culture.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

If we all paid attention to culture very very carefully,none of us would marry them

That doesn't strike me as a reason to ignore culture.

their culture is polar opposite of ours....most of us know this...accepting the reality when you are blinded by love is another thing

[Nasturtium 500]

If we all paid attention to culture very very carefully,none of us would marry them

That doesn't strike me as a reason to ignore culture.

I agree And I agree with Jen--I didn't "test" my husband at all. I asked him questions getting to know him and he asked me questions, then I did my own investigations of his religion, culture, etc. No one can be 100% sure which is where you just have to trust someone. When you meet, love and marry another American, you can be assured he is not looking for papers. But, you cannot be assured he or she will not cheat on you, leave you, etc. No one gets married thinking this will eventually happen. Risk is involved in every relationship. This one just has one more dynamic which is NOT limited to MENA. Visa fraud is everywhere, just happens to be prevalent in MENA. Some areas are worse. I didn't ignore my husband's culture though. I mostly fit the norm for the standard marriage over there minus a few things-- I'm not a cousin, I'm obviously not Arab, and I'm not Muslim. There is another woman in his village, the foreign-wife "trailblazer" She's Romanian and her husband (some cousin of Dh's) met her in Romania when they were in medical school together. They married in the 70s, lived in Romania for a few years, then moved there-- and she's been there ever since. They had 2 or 3 kids. She works at a local hospital. Their case and ours are fairly similar in how we met (working the same dicipline) and that she's younger than he is (I'm younger than Dh) and she's not Muslim. It's not common though at all. My husband once made the off-handed comment that he made a decision to marry me out of my characters and not for love, and that he also chose me because I was culturally compatible with his cultre and that he had been watching me interact with the "surrounding people" to figure out if I would work. So maybe I was being tested and didn't know it

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

There is so much stuff in this thread that has me biting my tongue. Let me just say there are a whoooooooooooooooooole lot of generalizations being tossed around in here. People's perceptions are always fascinating.

Anyway, I wish the best to everyone -- whether in a relationship now, or moving on from a broken one. May everyone here find happiness.

-MK

[Nasturtium 500]

There is so much stuff in this thread that has me biting my tongue. Let me just say there are a whoooooooooooooooooole lot of generalizations being tossed around in here. People's perceptions are always fascinating.

Anyway, I wish the best to everyone -- whether in a relationship now, or moving on from a broken one. May everyone here find happiness.

-MK

WOM, you're right. Everyone is different, and even one MENA culture compared to another may not work... so you just have to take it case by case, really. Some things can be standard, but many things are not. Your wish of general happiness is a good one.

[yaziedandlisa 0]

Okay, so we all love our MENA men, but what do we know about him? I mean, come one, I can be anyone you want me to be online, but how much will I follow thru with when you meet me in the real? So, online he seems to be kind, loving, funny, deep, romantic, everything you want in a man, right?

But, how much of it is really "him"?

In my experience it has been not much at all.

Soon after my hubby arrived here, eveything was sunlight and roses, perfect.

Then, two weeks later, he moved into the spare bedroom.

I didn't make much of it at first, we still had our "nightly visits" and he said it was because my kids kept him from sleeping. I kinda like having the bed and the blankets to my self, so I didn't protest to much.

Then, the night visits became few and far between, and for the past two months have been non existant.

He kept saying he needed to find work so he could help me and his family also. Okay, I agree he should help his family, as long as ours is taken care of. But, he landed a small temporary job for cash. Helping out a friend of mine with snow removal, on a short term basis. Guess what? He has hung onto every penny of that money except to buy a few packs of cigarettes for himself. I had to use my tax refund to buy food for the house, all the while he is hanging onto his money. He brought no money with him when he came, I have paid for everthing all of this time.

I know, you have heard this story before, and I am not out for sympathy, or "I told you so". Yeah, I knew the risks I was taking when I got into this relationship for the most part. Of course I was sure that he loved me, I loved him, our lives would be perfect. Same old story. For a while I was happy, for a while we lived as friends, now the AOS has been filed and he is waiting for his work permit. I am hoping that when he get's his work permit he will remove himself from my house and I can get my life back to normal. I kinda feel sorry for him and won't throw him out with no where to go and no way to support himself, that's just me.

I guess the point I am trying to make is this: Make sure, before you sign the first paper, before you marry, before you do anything, that you really KNOW the person. Divorce is hard at best, but when you add all the other things to it, the waiting, the money, the turmoil, it's really devastating.

he's probably met other arabs coaching him at the mosque..........................im so sorry tammy.......you need to throw him out.....he doesnt deserve papers

hey!! FYI: what he did is against our religion! and that wrong,,, dont think mosques learn bad things ever never,,,and in our religion as our great prophet said: firset poeple to get ur good things are ur house poeple!! and my house poeple are my wife and kids,, her's or mine!! and the good things are: good caring and treatment and sepnding money on!!

thank you