How much do you really know about your MENA man?

[sereia 0]

I really don't agree with any of these "tests" some of you keep talking about. If these guys want a visa they will say what they think you need to hear to get you to trust them if they have half a brain! If these guys are low enought to use you, don't you think they've planned it out even a little? I think the "no, no lets move to ___enter MENA country here___ instead of you coming to America" test is the oldest, lamest in the book. These guys all know very well you aren't moving to MENA. Especially those of you with houses you own, kids, grandkids, good jobs, etc. They know very well its a test and they passed it.

I think there are loads of other warning signs no one is bringing up here.

But back to the OP, I'm really sorry you've been so hurt and lied to, Tammy. Personally I wouldn't continue my husband's AOS if I were in your shoes. I keep hearing about people in miserable relationships yet they are "helping out" their SO to get the green card...only god knows why!!!? I would cancel it so fast your head would spin if I found out I was being used! I wish you luck in your future. *hugs*

Edited March 15, 2008 by sereia

[sarahaziz 0]

Hi Tammy,

A little heart to heart from another Tammy. All right, needless to day you are a brave woman. It is seeming like a pattern more than MENA men leaving than the real pattern that US WOMEN ARE LEARNING TO BE STRONGER EVERY DAY. What happened to those dreams of a sweet life? I don't know. But tammy, you did the right thing by confronting this. I cannot tell ya to just let him go, the sacrifice, the time, the money, the TIME! spent on this process makes it harder to kickem off than if you just met him on the street. Ya there is a pattern and it is bull that even he fell into it, now that you know what to do, do it girl. I know how it is to have s*** like this happen, that feeling is one of the worst. it really is like he died and never had a funeral...just a split personality shift that happened for what reasons, its mostly family, other MENA men, and you know it all. Please Please do not forget your faith in God, its so easy to let it go now. after all this ####### how could he do thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssssssss. Tammy we love you, we know what you have to do and you kow what you have to do. tell your kids you are there for them first and and remembr you are not just a woman. you are a fighter and you know this already. I wish you a good recovery, a really good reward for going through this and you tell us and vent out and give any words you have...it could help the new ones that have no clue.

As for me: FOR THE NEW ONES...there are a few things i had to do in order to find and poke out red flags and watched the reactions

1. i told him i had several relationships before (intmate ones) see how he reacted

2. i told him i get "easily bored" see how he reacted...

3. i told him i dont like muslim men or bangali men (he is from bangladesh) (reaction)

4. i told him love is #######...its kinda something i dont believe in (reaction)

5. i told him i dont wanna get married and if i do i will feel suffocated so i dont think i can stick with him (reaction)

6. i told him i might not want children whats he gonna do? (reaction)

7. i told him if he comes here and starts to want to bring his brothers and sisters here im not gonna let that be the sole subject our life or let it interfere with our life (Reaction)

8. i told him i dont really monogomous relationships (lol...watched for reaction)

9. i asked him how much money he thinks we "should" give to his mom

10. finally i told him i will go back to bangladesh if nothing works out (reaction)

now all these things, i saw him honestly flush out his emotions...and passed most of them easily, some with difficulty

- yes watch out for if they know TOO much about the visa process

-watch for if they kinda talk about their families a lot

WATCH HOW THEY TALK ABOUT THEIR HOME-COUNTRY WOMEN! see if they give liking, a bit too much "respect" (im not saying they cant respect women, lol, you know what i mean) if they show a bit of a preference

-that means they evenally wanna go back after they have "established themselves" to their home coutry girls

11. i told him i hate the home country girls - that they sort of annoy me (watch the reaction)

12. i said i would rather "be like those girls" (watched the reaction)

13. i said the home country girls have more self respect than us american girls or us who are of same nationality but raised here (watched for reaction)

14. i said we will DEFINATELY move back to his home country after a few years that i LIKE it better than america (watched for this reaction tentatively)

I know said it all in a sort of mock-cynical way, soemtimes used humor, BUT this is a dead serious issue and I encourage anyone who has not already come to terms with a possible reality of "non-rose colored" life, please use these tactics and see just what happens

For Tammy, for all of us who have felt the whole ordeal before or are feeling it a bit now....we women have to watch our for ourselves. Amen.

With my love and prayers to us all

Tammy

omg youre like my twin I did EXACTLY as you did hahahaha. Oour dudes are way older to us like dads theyre the ones worrying and trying to impress us to stay pshhh! Never let guys off easily

[Nagishkaw 510]

I really don't agree with any of these "tests" some of you keep talking about. If these guys want a visa they will say what they think you need to hear to get you to trust them if they have half a brain! If these guys are low enought to use you, don't you think they've planned it out even a little? I think the "no, no lets move to ___enter MENA country here___ instead of you coming to America" test is the oldest, lamest in the book. These guys all know very well you aren't moving to MENA. Especially those of you with houses you own, kids, grandkids, good jobs, etc. They know very well its a test and they passed it.

I think there are loads of other warning signs no one is bringing up here.

But back to the OP, I'm really sorry you've been so hurt and lied to, Tammy. Personally I wouldn't continue my husband's AOS if I were in your shoes. I keep hearing about people in miserable relationships yet they are "helping out" their SO to get the green card...only god knows why!!!? I would cancel it so fast your head would spin if I found out I was being used! I wish you luck in your future. *hugs*

Why would anyone want to *test* or make little hints in the first place? If you are secure in your relationship, then just come flat out and ask your questions.....unless you are afraid of either him or his answers.

[RAKASA 0]

I really don't agree with any of these "tests" some of you keep talking about. If these guys want a visa they will say what they think you need to hear to get you to trust them if they have half a brain! If these guys are low enought to use you, don't you think they've planned it out even a little? I think the "no, no lets move to ___enter MENA country here___ instead of you coming to America" test is the oldest, lamest in the book. These guys all know very well you aren't moving to MENA. Especially those of you with houses you own, kids, grandkids, good jobs, etc. They know very well its a test and they passed it.

I think there are loads of other warning signs no one is bringing up here.

But back to the OP, I'm really sorry you've been so hurt and lied to, Tammy. Personally I wouldn't continue my husband's AOS if I were in your shoes. I keep hearing about people in miserable relationships yet they are "helping out" their SO to get the green card...only god knows why!!!? I would cancel it so fast your head would spin if I found out I was being used! I wish you luck in your future. *hugs*

Why would anyone want to *test* or make little hints in the first place? If you are secure in your relationship, then just come flat out and ask your questions.....unless you are afraid of either him or his answers.

but Nagi, c'mon... do you really think they would be foolish enough to say "well, yeah, I just want the gc- we can work through this, right?

[sereia 0]

which is yet another test. "you aren't using me for a green card, are you? please tell me! i'll help you anyway. i just want to know the truth."

[Nagishkaw 510]

[ayesha4akram 0]

Tammy I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I'm here if you need to talk

[tammy2688 1]

Not "tests" they are signs of emotional changes to look for. Now if ya never did test, then you end up feeling like what if i had. thats all

even after every freakin test there is no real answer

after all, a lie dector test - the ULTIMATE test, as they say, is after all a stress test

basically if the person knows thats all it is and can keep calm through it, no lie will ever be detected

i have experience in the medical field of this, something i did not know before

so yes, i definately definately agree, if your relationship is secure and trustful there is no reason to test in the first place but what i was talking about was the FIRST WEEEKS we met where there is a need to just go through scenarios to see the emotion, we all do that all the time with everyone in subtle ways, its just the way we interact with people, its not a test but to see how they feel

now after the relationship is established thats when its too late to do any of this, by then your already in the rosy glasses and already he knows how to say the right things...it makes ni difference then

i was talking about the first few days and nothing after that

after all that is said and done, no one can save us from what is in our fate

we try, we try so hard to fight the negativities that are always possible in life

whether we believe our relationships are secure and do nothing else. or whether we are blunt, or whether we try tests or whether we give more love than possibly thought of to make sure we never fall in situations such a this

to all his own that is my thoughts - it is not good to put down some for trying something - WE ALL KNOW NOTHING IS A GAURANTEE OF ANYTHING IN LIFE

we must all be strong women and deal with our own lives our own way

only God can save us

Tammy

[tammy2688 1]

which is yet another test. "you aren't using me for a green card, are you? please tell me! i'll help you anyway. i just want to know the truth."

no thats not a test lol, but if you can even get a bit of a sense as to where they are, it makes all the difference to know you tried

if that was the case no one would try anything anymore, just say it wont work and forget about it

i agree there is no sure fire way of knowing anything, i never said there was

the first few weeks though it is a good idea to put around different scenarios - AGAIN I never said anything works to a good degree

because everything is unpredictable and ofcoarse if he he a con man he knows what to say

but if he isnt, he wil be honest and not always give the answer you know a con man will give

and that is when you know he is a for real, on that subject at least

best wishes to all

let us pray that keep finding ways to get peace in our lives

lol ya girl ya cant let em off easy...not like they let US off easy!

Hi Tammy,

A little heart to heart from another Tammy. All right, needless to day you are a brave woman. It is seeming like a pattern more than MENA men leaving than the real pattern that US WOMEN ARE LEARNING TO BE STRONGER EVERY DAY. What happened to those dreams of a sweet life? I don't know. But tammy, you did the right thing by confronting this. I cannot tell ya to just let him go, the sacrifice, the time, the money, the TIME! spent on this process makes it harder to kickem off than if you just met him on the street. Ya there is a pattern and it is bull that even he fell into it, now that you know what to do, do it girl. I know how it is to have s*** like this happen, that feeling is one of the worst. it really is like he died and never had a funeral...just a split personality shift that happened for what reasons, its mostly family, other MENA men, and you know it all. Please Please do not forget your faith in God, its so easy to let it go now. after all this ####### how could he do thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssssssss. Tammy we love you, we know what you have to do and you kow what you have to do. tell your kids you are there for them first and and remembr you are not just a woman. you are a fighter and you know this already. I wish you a good recovery, a really good reward for going through this and you tell us and vent out and give any words you have...it could help the new ones that have no clue.

As for me: FOR THE NEW ONES...there are a few things i had to do in order to find and poke out red flags and watched the reactions

1. i told him i had several relationships before (intmate ones) see how he reacted

2. i told him i get "easily bored" see how he reacted...

3. i told him i dont like muslim men or bangali men (he is from bangladesh) (reaction)

4. i told him love is #######...its kinda something i dont believe in (reaction)

5. i told him i dont wanna get married and if i do i will feel suffocated so i dont think i can stick with him (reaction)

6. i told him i might not want children whats he gonna do? (reaction)

7. i told him if he comes here and starts to want to bring his brothers and sisters here im not gonna let that be the sole subject our life or let it interfere with our life (Reaction)

8. i told him i dont really monogomous relationships (lol...watched for reaction)

9. i asked him how much money he thinks we "should" give to his mom

10. finally i told him i will go back to bangladesh if nothing works out (reaction)

now all these things, i saw him honestly flush out his emotions...and passed most of them easily, some with difficulty

- yes watch out for if they know TOO much about the visa process

-watch for if they kinda talk about their families a lot

WATCH HOW THEY TALK ABOUT THEIR HOME-COUNTRY WOMEN! see if they give liking, a bit too much "respect" (im not saying they cant respect women, lol, you know what i mean) if they show a bit of a preference

-that means they evenally wanna go back after they have "established themselves" to their home coutry girls

11. i told him i hate the home country girls - that they sort of annoy me (watch the reaction)

12. i said i would rather "be like those girls" (watched the reaction)

13. i said the home country girls have more self respect than us american girls or us who are of same nationality but raised here (watched for reaction)

14. i said we will DEFINATELY move back to his home country after a few years that i LIKE it better than america (watched for this reaction tentatively)

I know said it all in a sort of mock-cynical way, soemtimes used humor, BUT this is a dead serious issue and I encourage anyone who has not already come to terms with a possible reality of "non-rose colored" life, please use these tactics and see just what happens

For Tammy, for all of us who have felt the whole ordeal before or are feeling it a bit now....we women have to watch our for ourselves. Amen.

With my love and prayers to us all

Tammy

omg youre like my twin I did EXACTLY as you did hahahaha. Oour dudes are way older to us like dads theyre the ones worrying and trying to impress us to stay pshhh! Never let guys off easily

[tammy2688 1]

I really don't agree with any of these "tests" some of you keep talking about. If these guys want a visa they will say what they think you need to hear to get you to trust them if they have half a brain! If these guys are low enought to use you, don't you think they've planned it out even a little? I think the "no, no lets move to ___enter MENA country here___ instead of you coming to America" test is the oldest, lamest in the book. These guys all know very well you aren't moving to MENA. Especially those of you with houses you own, kids, grandkids, good jobs, etc. They know very well its a test and they passed it.

I think there are loads of other warning signs no one is bringing up here.

But back to the OP, I'm really sorry you've been so hurt and lied to, Tammy. Personally I wouldn't continue my husband's AOS if I were in your shoes. I keep hearing about people in miserable relationships yet they are "helping out" their SO to get the green card...only god knows why!!!? I would cancel it so fast your head would spin if I found out I was being used! I wish you luck in your future. *hugs*

Why would anyone want to *test* or make little hints in the first place? If you are secure in your relationship, then just come flat out and ask your questions.....unless you are afraid of either him or his answers.

true, that is true..but if life gave us direct answers we could just sit tight and not have to work to build love or trust, it would just come

anyway I wish we will all find some peace in our hearts and get that bit of happiness we long for in whatever way we can

Tammy

[tammy2688 1]

I really don't agree with any of these "tests" some of you keep talking about. If these guys want a visa they will say what they think you need to hear to get you to trust them if they have half a brain! If these guys are low enought to use you, don't you think they've planned it out even a little? I think the "no, no lets move to ___enter MENA country here___ instead of you coming to America" test is the oldest, lamest in the book. These guys all know very well you aren't moving to MENA. Especially those of you with houses you own, kids, grandkids, good jobs, etc. They know very well its a test and they passed it.

I think there are loads of other warning signs no one is bringing up here.

But back to the OP, I'm really sorry you've been so hurt and lied to, Tammy. Personally I wouldn't continue my husband's AOS if I were in your shoes. I keep hearing about people in miserable relationships yet they are "helping out" their SO to get the green card...only god knows why!!!? I would cancel it so fast your head would spin if I found out I was being used! I wish you luck in your future. *hugs*

Why would anyone want to *test* or make little hints in the first place? If you are secure in your relationship, then just come flat out and ask your questions.....unless you are afraid of either him or his answers.

true, that is true..but if life gave us direct answers we could just sit tight and not have to work to build love or trust, it would just come

anyway I wish we will all find some peace in our hearts and get that bit of happiness we long for in whatever way we can

Tammy

AGAIN, i am talking about the first few days you met someone

if you could be SECURE within the first week of meeting someone then good for you...i for one dont have the foresight to be so secure with someone i met last week - finally it is not about being afaid, it is about wanting to know someone who you never met in your life

i am not talkng about AFTER the relationship has been established, you can play this game when its already underway and secure....lets not misunderstand what i said please

i am talking about the first we days when nothing is secured yet

thanks

Tammy

[tammy2688 1]

It seems our entire lives are about watching for those "red flags" after all what is a weather forecast than watching for potential bad weather....sadly sometimes we must "test" the waters before we dive into them, though it may never tell us the depth of the water...which is impossible to know...we will kick ourselves over to never have attempted to uncover the depth of the waters....

with much love to all

Tammy

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

I'm very sorry to hear of this sad turn of events, TammySue. May your heartbreak be healed.

-MK

[KandD 1]

It seems our entire lives are about watching for those "red flags" after all what is a weather forecast than watching for potential bad weather....sadly sometimes we must "test" the waters before we dive into them, though it may never tell us the depth of the water...which is impossible to know...we will kick ourselves over to never have attempted to uncover the depth of the waters....

with much love to all

Tammy

RISKS

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool,

To weep is to risk being called sentimental.

To reach out to another is to risk involvement.

To expose feelings is to risk showing your true self.

To place your ideas and your dreams before the crowd is to risk being called naive.

To love is to risk not being loved in return,

To live is to risk dying,

To hope is to risk despair,

To try is to risk failure

But risks must be taken, because the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing.

He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love.

Chained by his certitude, he is a slave; he has forfeited his freedom.

Only the person who risks is truly free.

By Janet Rand

[doodlebugg 10]

I agree...I can look back over my past relationships and see the flags and warnings now...hind site is foresite. I know some warning flags are:

1. asking to borrow any money

2. Talking about how needy the family is

3. Not paying for anything when u visit or when he comes...(if he has means to do so)

4. Disappearing for periods of time

5. Long lags in chat times

6. Fast engagement or marriage not wanting to wait

7. having his passport ready to go with to much knowledge of visa processes...talking alot about how his other friends made it to usa

8. family that have passport applications ready before your first visit and often refer to visiting u in america after u are married

9. Lagging in filing, disinterest

10. Not contributing to relationship aas much as you are

11. Saying he wont want another wife...but still believes it ok

12. Says little controling things..like what to wear, how much to eat

13. Refuses to sign any sort of contract

14. Always seems willing to have u live there...but always finds a reason why usa would be better for you both..

any others i missed?

I'm not getting 9 and 11. If a guy is not quick to file or showing disinterest in filing how on earth is that a red flag for a green card guy?

Also, a lot of muslim men will defend that it is their right to marry more than one wife but they don't choose to so I'm not certain why that one's a flag either.