How much do you really know about your MENA man?

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Tammy, I'm so very sorry this has happened to you.

You are not alone. This is becoming a 'norm' even tho most don't post it here. You are brave to do so. In sharing our 'realities' it willl help others in the future when they need to make their own decisions.

I'm hearing variations on this from different women at least a couple of time a week now. It's so, so sad. I don't know what to say anymore either, but they need our support.

[Nagishkaw 510]

I think you have gotten a lot of good input/support...for me - I have discussed all things w/my SO however I know there will be adjustments when we are living tog here....I am caught off guard w/a comment about additional wives...for me this is something I would NEVER tolerate or even consider.......but thats just me:)

Reminds me of lyrics from a song by Kansas....' Desperation shows it's ugly face in many ways...'

[sara..... 371]

I am so sorry what has happened to u.........my God give u peace and happiness.........

[terrie/kamal 0]

Hugs to you Tammy. Therre is alot of people here in mena who care. Remember you are strong.

[reginaait 0]

Okay, so we all love our MENA men, but what do we know about him? I mean, come one, I can be anyone you want me to be online, but how much will I follow thru with when you meet me in the real? So, online he seems to be kind, loving, funny, deep, romantic, everything you want in a man, right?

But, how much of it is really "him"?

In my experience it has been not much at all.

Soon after my hubby arrived here, eveything was sunlight and roses, perfect.

Then, two weeks later, he moved into the spare bedroom.

I didn't make much of it at first, we still had our "nightly visits" and he said it was because my kids kept him from sleeping. I kinda like having the bed and the blankets to my self, so I didn't protest to much.

Then, the night visits became few and far between, and for the past two months have been non existant.

He kept saying he needed to find work so he could help me and his family also. Okay, I agree he should help his family, as long as ours is taken care of. But, he landed a small temporary job for cash. Helping out a friend of mine with snow removal, on a short term basis. Guess what? He has hung onto every penny of that money except to buy a few packs of cigarettes for himself. I had to use my tax refund to buy food for the house, all the while he is hanging onto his money. He brought no money with him when he came, I have paid for everthing all of this time.

I know, you have heard this story before, and I am not out for sympathy, or "I told you so". Yeah, I knew the risks I was taking when I got into this relationship for the most part. Of course I was sure that he loved me, I loved him, our lives would be perfect. Same old story. For a while I was happy, for a while we lived as friends, now the AOS has been filed and he is waiting for his work permit. I am hoping that when he get's his work permit he will remove himself from my house and I can get my life back to normal. I kinda feel sorry for him and won't throw him out with no where to go and no way to support himself, that's just me.

I guess the point I am trying to make is this: Make sure, before you sign the first paper, before you marry, before you do anything, that you really KNOW the person. Divorce is hard at best, but when you add all the other things to it, the waiting, the money, the turmoil, it's really devastating.

I am very sorry Tammy. I wish you the best with your desicion...

regina

[amrssnowangel 0]

I think you have gotten a lot of good input/support...for me - I have discussed all things w/my SO however I know there will be adjustments when we are living tog here....I am caught off guard w/a comment about additional wives...for me this is something I would NEVER tolerate or even consider.......but thats just me:)

hehehe..if you are refering to what I said in my post...I re read it...I didnt mean i was OFFERING him to ACTUALLY have other wives. It was definetely a test. Lets face it..if for one moment he thought I would let him and he wanted to, he'd talk it over a bit...but he closed that door fast and hard. He knows now I'd NEVER tolerate that. I was just saying, In the earlier days...i tried everything and anything to get those red flags to show...including that one. We all have asked our SO's questions as part of trying to get to know them and alot of us met online...its our right to protect ourselves with as much information as we can. LIke I said, this was early on...and i'd NEVER tolerate it...it was suggested as a way to find out his true feelings. Meeting online as the OP said...they can be anyone they want....say all they want..but when they feel the walls are down...their true colors will show....thats all i was ssaying..not that I'd actually ALLOW that to EVER happen...sorry for the confusion....

[Ban Hammer 13,283]

i'm very sorry to read this news.

[~Jess~ 0]

Tammy i am very sad to be reading this. if you need to talk please feel free to message me anytime. You are in my thoughts.

[morocco4ever 63]

I agree that all of this sounds bad and suspicious of using you for just a visa. But before you make any decisions you must be sure there isn't something there that is hurting or bothering him that has changed him. I know that the minute things go wrong in an American/MENA relationship the first thing that comes to mind is that it was his plan from the start. But there is always that chance that it isn't that at all.

When my husband hit the 6 month mark here he become so depressed. He missed his family, his home, and his country. It was a hard time for him. My door was open, he was welcome to go back but I wouldn't be going back with him, and I made that clear. He even suggested we sell the house and move to another state. I also made it clear if he wanted to move to another state he was welcome too, just not with me. I knew his confusion wasn't a part of his "plan to use me", but rather a normal reaction to not fitting in here. Its been 9 months since his set back and I tell you, it was worth the patience. We are incredibly happy and planning our future together.

So what I am saying here is to not jump to that conclusion, but find out for sure.

Whatever happens, and whatever you choose I wish you can find peace and happiness.

[Peggy 1]

[Nasturtium 500]

Tammy, I am sorry. Please talk to me if you need to talk.

Julianna

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Okay, so we all love our MENA men, but what do we know about him? I mean, come one, I can be anyone you want me to be online, but how much will I follow thru with when you meet me in the real? So, online he seems to be kind, loving, funny, deep, romantic, everything you want in a man, right?

But, how much of it is really "him"?

In my experience it has been not much at all.

Soon after my hubby arrived here, eveything was sunlight and roses, perfect.

Then, two weeks later, he moved into the spare bedroom.

I didn't make much of it at first, we still had our "nightly visits" and he said it was because my kids kept him from sleeping. I kinda like having the bed and the blankets to my self, so I didn't protest to much.

Then, the night visits became few and far between, and for the past two months have been non existant.

He kept saying he needed to find work so he could help me and his family also. Okay, I agree he should help his family, as long as ours is taken care of. But, he landed a small temporary job for cash. Helping out a friend of mine with snow removal, on a short term basis. Guess what? He has hung onto every penny of that money except to buy a few packs of cigarettes for himself. I had to use my tax refund to buy food for the house, all the while he is hanging onto his money. He brought no money with him when he came, I have paid for everthing all of this time.

I know, you have heard this story before, and I am not out for sympathy, or "I told you so". Yeah, I knew the risks I was taking when I got into this relationship for the most part. Of course I was sure that he loved me, I loved him, our lives would be perfect. Same old story. For a while I was happy, for a while we lived as friends, now the AOS has been filed and he is waiting for his work permit. I am hoping that when he get's his work permit he will remove himself from my house and I can get my life back to normal. I kinda feel sorry for him and won't throw him out with no where to go and no way to support himself, that's just me.

I guess the point I am trying to make is this: Make sure, before you sign the first paper, before you marry, before you do anything, that you really KNOW the person. Divorce is hard at best, but when you add all the other things to it, the waiting, the money, the turmoil, it's really devastating.

Ok..ok..ok...Jackie this guy stopped sleeping with her 2 weeks after he got here....Arabic men love sex....capeche?

Yours wanted papers,Jackie...But you did have sex right?Now this little ####### thinks he is going to hurt a kind soft girl like Tammy,he's got another thing coming...this wasnt 2 years down the line...This was a plot...

Now Tammy,I went through something similar....but sex didnt stop and he tried to come back...but trust me I am a legend to the lengths I took my life back..

NO FREAKING MERCY BABY...You deserve to have sex with a man who loves you..

Ok ....some dirty low ball tricks....ready?Alot of you mena women will disagree with me...but its headgame time...He isnt coming back to you...You need to take your power back....this little doozie helped me

Ask immediately for an islamic divorce...He has to have sex with you...its your right

Wanna screw with his brain and get a little even.....Get your hair done...Look gorgeous...Get a sitter....Go out all night...I dont care if you are going to your moms...mess with his head like he s messed with yours..

Invite american friends over...tell everyone what hes done to you before hand,,have tupperware parties

Go to sunday school,,,,cry....get some support

Play Gloria Gaynor really loud I WILL SURVIVE,,,,its unnerves these guys...

Um....go on a date...platonic or not...In fact...I chose an arab when Icaught my pali cheating on me....It made him almost commit suicide...It drove him nuts...(the other arab was in on it and thought what Iwas doing was funny...)Tell him to call and leave messages....(remember it was platonic)

Um...play really loud country music...make some friends in the military...invite them over....tell them what he did...marines are alwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays thrilled to help...I did that too....poor little evil pali #### his pants...

Threw his stuff out the door and surrounded myself with baptists for a while...

You will be ok baby.....I DID ALL OF THESE THINGS TO SURVIVE HIS SNEAKY ABUSIVE>>>####..he punched me...he tried to take my house...you name it...in the end I screwed him mentally and legally and I moved on....you can too.....

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Okay, so we all love our MENA men, but what do we know about him? I mean, come one, I can be anyone you want me to be online, but how much will I follow thru with when you meet me in the real? So, online he seems to be kind, loving, funny, deep, romantic, everything you want in a man, right?

But, how much of it is really "him"?

In my experience it has been not much at all.

Soon after my hubby arrived here, eveything was sunlight and roses, perfect.

Then, two weeks later, he moved into the spare bedroom.

I didn't make much of it at first, we still had our "nightly visits" and he said it was because my kids kept him from sleeping. I kinda like having the bed and the blankets to my self, so I didn't protest to much.

Then, the night visits became few and far between, and for the past two months have been non existant.

He kept saying he needed to find work so he could help me and his family also. Okay, I agree he should help his family, as long as ours is taken care of. But, he landed a small temporary job for cash. Helping out a friend of mine with snow removal, on a short term basis. Guess what? He has hung onto every penny of that money except to buy a few packs of cigarettes for himself. I had to use my tax refund to buy food for the house, all the while he is hanging onto his money. He brought no money with him when he came, I have paid for everthing all of this time.

I know, you have heard this story before, and I am not out for sympathy, or "I told you so". Yeah, I knew the risks I was taking when I got into this relationship for the most part. Of course I was sure that he loved me, I loved him, our lives would be perfect. Same old story. For a while I was happy, for a while we lived as friends, now the AOS has been filed and he is waiting for his work permit. I am hoping that when he get's his work permit he will remove himself from my house and I can get my life back to normal. I kinda feel sorry for him and won't throw him out with no where to go and no way to support himself, that's just me.

I guess the point I am trying to make is this: Make sure, before you sign the first paper, before you marry, before you do anything, that you really KNOW the person. Divorce is hard at best, but when you add all the other things to it, the waiting, the money, the turmoil, it's really devastating.

[SaadBell 0]

wahrania - I like your thinking, you are one strong women.

[tammy2688 1]

Hi Tammy,

A little heart to heart from another Tammy. All right, needless to day you are a brave woman. It is seeming like a pattern more than MENA men leaving than the real pattern that US WOMEN ARE LEARNING TO BE STRONGER EVERY DAY. What happened to those dreams of a sweet life? I don't know. But tammy, you did the right thing by confronting this. I cannot tell ya to just let him go, the sacrifice, the time, the money, the TIME! spent on this process makes it harder to kickem off than if you just met him on the street. Ya there is a pattern and it is bull that even he fell into it, now that you know what to do, do it girl. I know how it is to have s*** like this happen, that feeling is one of the worst. it really is like he died and never had a funeral...just a split personality shift that happened for what reasons, its mostly family, other MENA men, and you know it all. Please Please do not forget your faith in God, its so easy to let it go now. after all this ####### how could he do thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssssssss. Tammy we love you, we know what you have to do and you kow what you have to do. tell your kids you are there for them first and and remembr you are not just a woman. you are a fighter and you know this already. I wish you a good recovery, a really good reward for going through this and you tell us and vent out and give any words you have...it could help the new ones that have no clue.

As for me: FOR THE NEW ONES...there are a few things i had to do in order to find and poke out red flags and watched the reactions

1. i told him i had several relationships before (intmate ones) see how he reacted

2. i told him i get "easily bored" see how he reacted...

3. i told him i dont like muslim men or bangali men (he is from bangladesh) (reaction)

4. i told him love is #######...its kinda something i dont believe in (reaction)

5. i told him i dont wanna get married and if i do i will feel suffocated so i dont think i can stick with him (reaction)

6. i told him i might not want children whats he gonna do? (reaction)

7. i told him if he comes here and starts to want to bring his brothers and sisters here im not gonna let that be the sole subject our life or let it interfere with our life (Reaction)

8. i told him i dont really monogomous relationships (lol...watched for reaction)

9. i asked him how much money he thinks we "should" give to his mom

10. finally i told him i will go back to bangladesh if nothing works out (reaction)

now all these things, i saw him honestly flush out his emotions...and passed most of them easily, some with difficulty

- yes watch out for if they know TOO much about the visa process

-watch for if they kinda talk about their families a lot

WATCH HOW THEY TALK ABOUT THEIR HOME-COUNTRY WOMEN! see if they give liking, a bit too much "respect" (im not saying they cant respect women, lol, you know what i mean) if they show a bit of a preference

-that means they evenally wanna go back after they have "established themselves" to their home coutry girls

11. i told him i hate the home country girls - that they sort of annoy me (watch the reaction)

12. i said i would rather "be like those girls" (watched the reaction)

13. i said the home country girls have more self respect than us american girls or us who are of same nationality but raised here (watched for reaction)

14. i said we will DEFINATELY move back to his home country after a few years that i LIKE it better than america (watched for this reaction tentatively)

I know said it all in a sort of mock-cynical way, soemtimes used humor, BUT this is a dead serious issue and I encourage anyone who has not already come to terms with a possible reality of "non-rose colored" life, please use these tactics and see just what happens

For Tammy, for all of us who have felt the whole ordeal before or are feeling it a bit now....we women have to watch our for ourselves. Amen.

With my love and prayers to us all

Tammy