How much do you really know about your MENA man?

[Aymerlu 3]

Tammy,

I really don't know what to say. Just that I'm sorry.

[SaadBell 0]

Wow, did he ever mention helping his family before coming? How long did you know him before? This is scarey. Im soo sorry you are going through this. What warning signs did you see maybe before he came...that you see now? Anything that would shed light for the rest of us?

Yes, that is a good idea, I would love to know some of the warning signs to look for. Too bad, all this is making me lose faith in humanity. Honest I do feel your pain

[doodlebugg 10]

..I don't play nice and as American,you cannot play nice.Stop his AOS and a message in his suitcase...Hes probably got a wife back home waiting...I say screw all of these jerks....They get coached by other arabs upon arrival and back home...He was nice until she filed aos I bet...Mines coming with a cr1.I will not lift conditions if he does anything shifty...These mena men who are like this take advantage of soft weak American women...Girls back home wouldnt play this

You are right

and one more thing.....being weak strings it along.....cut it hard.....I am telling you from experience I had with a nasty,cheating,manipulative mena man 5 years ago.I not only suffered,the kids suffer horribly....He will pull out all the stops...another trick you can pull is this.....let him aos,but then have him move completely out...Quietly publish for divorce,get one,then quietly tell the uscis he used you for papers and quietly pull his papers,change your phone,your locks, and if he comes near you,get a restraining order...He doesnt love you..You deserve to be loved..Pull the plug and fast and hard and sneaky.....you will feel better right after that...TRUST ME...The hardest thing is coming to terms with the fact he doesnt love you.When you do that,you can do the nasty things you will have to do

amen!!!

Oh Tammy I am so sorry!!! I was just saying the other day that a lot of the women who filed around the same time I did and interviewed around that time already have their man here and are divorced and mine's still in Egypt. I don't know why but it's just odd. I whole heartedly agree with Wahrania. Do not let the ####### file for AOS. Stop it now so he cannot stay here and bring a bride from back home with him. Don't let yourself but the vessle through which he can prosper. (((hugs))))

[sarahaziz 0]

That kind of thing should put everyone on their toes. I've always been on mine even if things are smooth. If the spouse gets mad you'd think about him like that so what don't be scared to tell him what you think he wants from you. Men love strong independent women. Everyone should pay attention to all details and actions and words of their spouses american or arab. If they talk about their family needing help women should distance themselves if they don't want to be used. Usually when a man explains to you his family doesn't need money and his family understands he has to leave them to be with who he fell in love with and stay with his wife where she goes it's not really a warning sign. Everyone knows their own relationship and buisness. You're not his mom or sister to help him out with "life" like that. Maybe you distanced yourself or allowed the distance to come between you too? Maybe you can save the marriage. I hope you and him can work things out divorce is horrible. If not i wouldnt be nasty to him because what you do to others it comes back to you and believe that if he had bad motives in his heart for you God will get him 10 times worse it really does work out that way. I pray you have a wonderful outcome of this situation

[Nagishkaw 510]

I too am so sorry to hear this, but commend you for your bravery,Tammy.

[Jen C 2008 0]

so what were some of the red flags or warning sings? u say none and everthing was fine but to look back on this most women will say ther was somerthing and they choose to ignore it !

[amrssnowangel 0]

That kind of thing should put everyone on their toes. I've always been on mine even if things are smooth. If the spouse gets mad you'd think about him like that so what don't be scared to tell him what you think he wants from you. Men love strong independent women. Everyone should pay attention to all details and actions and words of their spouses american or arab. If they talk about their family needing help women should distance themselves if they don't want to be used. Usually when a man explains to you his family doesn't need money and his family understands he has to leave them to be with who he fell in love with and stay with his wife where she goes it's not really a warning sign. Everyone knows their own relationship and buisness. You're not his mom or sister to help him out with "life" like that. Maybe you distanced yourself or allowed the distance to come between you too? Maybe you can save the marriage. I hope you and him can work things out divorce is horrible. If not i wouldnt be nasty to him because what you do to others it comes back to you and believe that if he had bad motives in his heart for you God will get him 10 times worse it really does work out that way. I pray you have a wonderful outcome of this situation

I know with my SO...he's insisting on paying his own way the first few months. He's bringing money and paying me to stay till he finds work here. Alhamdolellah. His parents dont need money...they seem to have. Im blessed in this. I did ask to come that way and immediately he offered to take a job offer he had in Kuwait so he could afford to bring me over, all the way to the point of geting his CV ready and wanting it make the plans. I have tired even to OFFER additional wives if I can't give him a child. he declined...saying he can't and wont have more than one ever. He offered a marriage contract...and has offered to help support my grown daughter and her two kids till she is back on her feet. I asked how much we will need to send his parents and family to help so we can budget it in..he declined...

I've tried to investigate EVERY warning flag i can think of. What others may there be? How CAN we try to make better sure of the flags and avoid these issues.

Im sooo sorry this has happened..and I agree...with one..maybe you can still work it out. Be kind...God knows all and knows the intentions of our heart. You husband will pay for any misdeeds he has performed..but dont make another misdeed in your ways to. Two wrongs will never make a right. Try to see what it is he feels maybe he is missing...Find out why he felt he couldn't share the money issue with you and ask if it was ok to help his family. I hope u can work it out..God bless.

[amrssnowangel 0]

so what were some of the red flags or warning sings? u say none and everthing was fine but to look back on this most women will say ther was somerthing and they choose to ignore it !

I agree...I can look back over my past relationships and see the flags and warnings now...hind site is foresite. I know some warning flags are:

1. asking to borrow any money

2. Talking about how needy the family is

3. Not paying for anything when u visit or when he comes...(if he has means to do so)

4. Disappearing for periods of time

5. Long lags in chat times

6. Fast engagement or marriage not wanting to wait

7. having his passport ready to go with to much knowledge of visa processes...talking alot about how his other friends made it to usa

8. family that have passport applications ready before your first visit and often refer to visiting u in america after u are married

9. Lagging in filing, disinterest

10. Not contributing to relationship aas much as you are

11. Saying he wont want another wife...but still believes it ok

12. Says little controling things..like what to wear, how much to eat

13. Refuses to sign any sort of contract

14. Always seems willing to have u live there...but always finds a reason why usa would be better for you both..

any others i missed?

[sarahaziz 0]

Mostly everyones spouse here really married for love since they talked alot online or met at work here they got to know each other. Some people who have rushed into marriage after a couple of months well sometimes that's not enough time to know a man. After marriage is when i saw my husbands true annoying colors cuz of the visa wait. Either i had to go back to my country and wait with him like a dumbass or he had to come here. There was a guy here he was my dads client and he married a younger american woman shes independent no kids nothing. He payed for everything because he felt sorry to use her and he was "religious" i guess and didn't want to take from a woman and leave her. After couple of months he didn't know how to break it to her that he didnt want to be with her so he actually stopped brushing his teeth and stopped bathing for a couple of days at a time. Like he payed for everything never to use her in that sense but he still got citizenship from her and she was really heartbroken she was so young. I don't know but there are different warning signs for different people! Just wanted to share that with all the women and men on the boards. I think alot of people will be greatful to see their spouses shower and brush their teeth everyday now

[sarahaziz 0]

so what were some of the red flags or warning sings? u say none and everthing was fine but to look back on this most women will say ther was somerthing and they choose to ignore it !

I agree...I can look back over my past relationships and see the flags and warnings now...hind site is foresite. I know some warning flags are:

1. asking to borrow any money

2. Talking about how needy the family is

3. Not paying for anything when u visit or when he comes...(if he has means to do so)

4. Disappearing for periods of time

5. Long lags in chat times

6. Fast engagement or marriage not wanting to wait

7. having his passport ready to go with to much knowledge of visa processes...talking alot about how his other friends made it to usa

8. family that have passport applications ready before your first visit and often refer to visiting u in america after u are married

9. Lagging in filing, disinterest

10. Not contributing to relationship aas much as you are

11. Saying he wont want another wife...but still believes it ok

12. Says little controling things..like what to wear, how much to eat

13. Refuses to sign any sort of contract

14. Always seems willing to have u live there...but always finds a reason why usa would be better for you both..

any others i missed?

Wow lol I had 1,6, a little bit of 7

[~Jackie~ 30]

Even tho I say on most days that I didn't see it coming...that I had no idea. But I will raise my hand in admission, there were some very small signals I could have caught. But being a good wife, I went along with his thinking just to not make waves.

Some of the small things.....

He didn't really want me to visit my friends or spend time with my family. He never came out and said it, but I could tell from his reaction that it was better if I didn't have 'tiffany time'. I took it to mean he really cared and wanted my time.

He overreacted to a handshake/little hug at a work xmas party. We actually had to leave, he was about to blow a gasket from that handshake and it was better to leave than make a scene. Again, I thought it was cuz he loved me so much.

We worked and came home. Didnt socialize much either one of us,,,loners.

He tried often to pick little arguements. One day he said, 'habibi there is dust in the bathroom.' I had to laugh, I said 'is that all you got?' lol.

One day I left my cell phone at home. Not only did he listen to my messages, he didnt tell me I had any and I missed a call from my son & work. His response, 'there is not privacy between a husband & wife'....yea ok, but don't ever come between me and my kids.

Our trip to Jordan was the beginning of our end. I wish we had never gone there. After he had long talks with his father and brothers, the change started slowly. Those that were around for the details, know the story. And if I hadn't had all of you, I don't know if I would be alive today. Wahrania, Noura, Prena, Amal, Laura, and too many to mention, stayed so close to me and I appreciate it so much. Tammy, let us be here for you.

And there are more of you that don't post it here....know that my phone is always open to you. My support group closed, not for lack of interest, I just didn't feel anything I said would help, I was the walking wounded myself. Well, I am better now and stronger. Lean on me all you want. I am here.

Some see it coming and some do not. The day he took off his wedding ring and walked out will forever be burned in my memory. It was like he died and there was no funeral. I wish I had known BEFORE I got him a 10 year greencard. He is now considerered legal and all the benefits of America are his to enjoy. That I have to accept, but it is a bitter pill to swallow.

So nice to be able to talk about this here without fear of wolves devouring the poster. ((group hug)) for civility.

Jackie

[SaadBell 0]

Yes it is wonderful to be able to discuss this taboo subject openly with out cat fights. Thank you all for your inputs, and support.

[chasnik 0]

Tammy,

Im soooo sorry..if you need anything or need to talk feel free to message me on MS.Ya'll are in my prayers!

[RAKASA 0]

I'm truly saddened by the continual showing of this "rumour" to be true. Tammy, I feel so terribly for you and all you've gone through to get him here and now this... this is just really crappy. We all know it happens.... I'm just sick that it happens so much, so often, and now to so many people I know from this forum.

We're here for you Tammy - don't be a doormat and let him walk all over you.

[MelindaandTarek 0]

I think you have gotten a lot of good input/support...for me - I have discussed all things w/my SO however I know there will be adjustments when we are living tog here....I am caught off guard w/a comment about additional wives...for me this is something I would NEVER tolerate or even consider.......but thats just me:)