Spouse won't forgive & Forget

[sarahaziz 0]

Alot of topics made me think about my own situation and I think I need some MENA advice from other women cuz I don't know the first thing to marriage!! I've never had a bf before other than my spouse. My spouse has an a*sshole cousin Khalid who always trys to compete and make my spouse look like a loser. I never knew about their little enemy relationship since I knew Khalid since we were kids and played together. Khalid showed me photos of him with his shirt off and I take him like a brother so I didn't know my spouse would think I'd look at him in "that way" After we started dating he brought up the photos and told me everything and said don't ever talk to him again. Khalid lives in the capital now for university so we don't see him anymore.

When I was at my spouses house after getting the certificate marriage there we had to have a ceremony with henna/food/ dancing in 2 days blah blah. Khalid eventually came to stay in my spouses house to help with the ceremony. It was my sister inlaw my spouse my cousin and khalids mom in one room talking. Eventually Khalid popped in everyone gave salaam to him I gave salaam (Face touching his Face) to my spouses cousin by accident (This was about a year ago). My spouse is extremely jealous in these things his wife is his wife nobody can look or touch her as i feel for him. My spouse wanted to literally smack me but he ended up ignoring me sleeping on the sofa across the room and eventually had a breakdown and cried. He told me not to even say hi to Khalid and I dont know what happened but when he took my hand for salaam on the face i did it on accident!! My husband never ever cried or at least never showed me and to see him go nuts like that I feel so bad. He explained it's really bad since it's his cousin and not mine for me to give him salaam like that.

Its been a year now and he still cant forget it everytime we fight he brings it up. It was only a salaam but i know it's my husbands respect if he said no its no. He said he's hurt because I disrespected him to keep his cousins respect. He said Khalid gave a smile to him like oh wow look at your wife saying hi to me. When I told him if he cant forgive me about it then i'll leave him alone. He said divorce never can happen with us. He said I can have sexual relations with another man and he won't leave me he will accept everything in his heart because of love and only 1 woman wife blah blah until he dies. Ok now I feel kind of disrespected he said that but I know he's hurt i talk #### when im hurt too. Our K3 interview is comming up soon and I don't know what to do we've been fighting like this for 2 weeks now despite the good news of a K3. He's always been there for my family to proove the respect for us to marry he's just such a great man I can't believe such a small mistake hurt him big time. He thinks if i could do that I could do even worse and bigger things in USA since USA is more open he doesn't trust me and talks like i can replace him so easily with anothr man.Any advice on how to make him forget that stupid embasrresing incident? What would everybody else do in my shoes

[*JG* 2]

I really don't want to say what I think about this cause I am very opinionated.

I hope you work it out. I'm so sorry.

[sarahaziz 0]

Thanks I just don't know how to regain trust for something so small.

[reeses16 8]

Have you tried talking to him about the situation when it wasn't in the heat of the moment? Remind him that you're from the US and greeting other men, etc. doesn't have the same meaning to you. And you wouldn't do anything to hurt him on purpose. Do you think his reaction is specific to his cousin or men in general? Let him know that men and women interact differently in the US, for example touching/hugging isn't disrespectful.

Also, I think it might be helpful for you two to decide some ground rules on arguments/discussions. It doesn't do any good to bring up past disagreements/misunderstandings etc especially when your in the middle of one at the moment. You say you've been fighting for 2 weeks. Try not to get pulled into a fight. If he brings it up don't react. Don't ignore him, but say you don't want to discuss right now and you understand what he's saying.

Just a few ideas....

[boardashell_2000 0]

Thanks I just don't know how to regain trust for something so small.

Tell him to get over himself...It's not YOUR problem the problem with his cousin...I will tell you...I would never put up with that kind of jealousy...it leads to being totally controlled down the road...BUMP THAT!

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

I'm curious to know if you told him that you did it by accident and culturally were aware that it was not a good thing to do and not fully aware of their poor relationship, what is it that he wants for you to do? What does he need to move on? Have you asked him, what he wants from you?

[sarahaziz 0]

He wants me to smack Khalid

[sarahaziz 0]

Have you tried talking to him about the situation when it wasn't in the heat of the moment? Remind him that you're from the US and greeting other men, etc. doesn't have the same meaning to you. And you wouldn't do anything to hurt him on purpose. Do you think his reaction is specific to his cousin or men in general? Let him know that men and women interact differently in the US, for example touching/hugging isn't disrespectful.

Also, I think it might be helpful for you two to decide some ground rules on arguments/discussions. It doesn't do any good to bring up past disagreements/misunderstandings etc especially when your in the middle of one at the moment. You say you've been fighting for 2 weeks. Try not to get pulled into a fight. If he brings it up don't react. Don't ignore him, but say you don't want to discuss right now and you understand what he's saying.

Just a few ideas....

Your suggestion worked very well about not talking about it and saying I understood what he was saying. He felt I was sincerely sorry when I said if i was in his shoes I'd be upset also it mustve been really a horrible incident since it's such a big deal to him after a year. I doubt he'll forget it tho. Hopefully he forgave me

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

He wants me to smack Khalid

You guys should talk about how this has changed the man you knew and married. Tell him you wonder if he should talk with Khalid and make the peace. It's God's will for us to forgive, just as he forgives us. But let him know that when you move to the US, Khalid will be left in Algeria and you hope that he hasn't made any enemies in the US yet!

[~~~water~~~ 0]

It seems in this type of mindset it only gets worse not better!! You did nothing wrong! I hope the best for you at least here the cousin will be a ocean away, but really if he's this suceptible to jealousy it usually gets worst and will show up under a different name/situation. Its up to him to find peace in himself

Edited March 15, 2008 by ~~~water~~~

[sereia 0]

i'm with water on this one. just wait until he gets here and you will open up a new can of worms! these men need to get their jealousy in CHECK!

[desert_fox 32]

two children??

[tammy2688 1]

Hello,

I know of some remedy, I have sent you personal messages, please read.

Tammy

[morocco4ever 63]

There are a lot of opinions going on here, and each one has value. The only thing is that it is also conflicting.

First off, his culture does rule that a woman obeys her husband. Second, if you grew up here then you don't have the same culture, even though this is how you were brought up. In a sort, you are mixed, and he doesn't understand it.

I know the first time my husband saw me on the webcam hug a guest that was male he totally flipped out. He forbid me to do that to anyone again. Of course I understand his culture, and I also know that a hug is nothing more than a greeting in the US. Of course I agreed, knowing full well that when he got here he would see where I am coming from. I also told him that he must repsect me and do the same with other women. He agreed. So then his friend is married to a British girl, and one visit her mother came. We all spent time together. And when she left she gave him a hug. I could see the look of shock on his face, and he was unsure how to handle it. Of course this didn't really upset me, but I, of course, told him that he broke his promise to me. He said "what should I have done, pushed her away?" Exactly I said, that is exactly how I feel when a friend hugs me. It will never change our love for each other. We no longer have this issue between us.

Your situation is different, he hates his cousin. Now knowing Arabic men I know the worst thing you can do is to tell him no, you will do what you want. In my view, the best way to deal with this is to tell him you love him, respect him, and care only about him. Tell him that if he wants you to smack him you will. This should calm him down enough to be reasonable. Later you can ask him questions about it. Like, "sweetheart, when I smack him do you think it will upset your mother/father?" Will this cause any family problems? Now if he is reasonable he will realize that this is just crazy.

Now, and you must really think about this. If this jealousy does continue, or gets worse, there is a deeper issue. There does come a time when you have to say enough is enough. Hopefully he will see the silliness of his jealousy, but if not you really need to think twice about the entire relationship.

Don't judge the entire relationship on this isolated incident of course. Give it some time, gentleness, and understanding. Hopefully he will gain trust.

I hope my suggestions help.

[sarahaziz 0]

two children??

A moron replying?