Candle is Good

[pushbrk 12,672]

Regarding the recent thread entitled Candleforlove, I responded that the opening post was a reasonable assessment. In general, it was. I don't know about the specifics that prompted the post.

Candleforlove.com is a great resource for those navigating the fiance(e) or spouse visa process involving China. The information and support available is invaluable. I don't know what I would have done without it. Most of what I've learned about the visa process can be traced back to that sight.

At the same time, the board is a privately owned, not for profit venture that is heavily moderated. A small core of long time members comprise both the moderation team and the "insider" club that tends to receive deference in nearly all matters of controversy. Getting along often takes priority over getting it right. Personal attacks are allowed from and engaged in by some moderators and some general members.

You play by the aggressively but inconsistently enforced rules or take your ball and go home. For the vast majority of people seeking information and support for their visa process, this presents absolutely no problem.

For others, the site is viewed as a good ol' boys club/clique. (that serves an important purpose)

[Jaseball 0]

A little bird told me you got banned from CFL too.

I found this highly ironic, since like this post, you have always sent folks over there and praised that website. In fact, you are one of the reasons I went over there when my approved petition left NVC and went to GUZ.

My first problem with the mods there was when I made a post about past girlfriends and relationships called, "American Women." This freaked out some people there because they seem to have a 95% or more male poster ratio and a thread that could be viewed as sexist or degrading towards women is taboo, even though if a 'female,' poster does the same thing about men it is ok. My thread got locked.

I started a similar one later called "Relationship Experiences," or something and that one was allowed to go on and on and faded off the first page without incident.

There are also all these threads with guys asking if their relationship seems strange, could they be getting scammed, etc., and I'll go in there and say stuff such as, if it were me my radar would be going off with all the red flags. Other guys are telling them to send cash, because if he doesn't the girl loses face, or to fly over there and visit and bring flowers.

It drives me crazy because quite a few of the people there don't speak a word of Chinese, their 'girlfriends,' avoid web cams, ask for gifts/cash, show no concern towards the guy, and all these warning signs, but the men are oblivious.

One post I warned this guy 5x and after a week and seeing him post about getting ripped off I called him a sucker and said if someone is warning you left and right and you still choose to send money, then yes, you are a sucker.

The day I got suspended the site owner had posted about him and his wife getting a divorce. The longer term members were ones who 'got,' the joke. I said they should close the thread, the site owner should lead by example, and some topics just are not funny to joke about.

One guy said he didn't like my attitude or posts. I asked him why should I care? Then a mod said something about my possibly being the first member ever booted out not for rules violations, but by consensus or something.

I asked that mod if he meant it was like the Survivor TV show and had the tribe spoken. Got banned after that post.

So, yeah, that site is good if you don't rock the boat, agree with longer term members who socialize there, are not sarcastic, and you focus on the visa process and nothing else.

Also, in my closed thread here, Warpedboard asked if I wanted them to post my comments here. I'd appreciate that. You had mods there that even admitted there was a double standard on the board.

Actually my thread here has been deleted I think, but regardless, CFL is good for China specific information, but it is not moderated anywhere close to the dozens of other sites I frequent.

[pushbrk 12,672]

A little bird told me you got banned from CFL too.

I found this highly ironic, since like this post, you have always sent folks over there and praised that website. In fact, you are one of the reasons I went over there when my approved petition left NVC and went to GUZ.

My first problem with the mods there was when I made a post about past girlfriends and relationships called, "American Women." This freaked out some people there because they seem to have a 95% or more male poster ratio and a thread that could be viewed as sexist or degrading towards women is taboo, even though if a 'female,' poster does the same thing about men it is ok. My thread got locked.

I started a similar one later called "Relationship Experiences," or something and that one was allowed to go on and on and faded off the first page without incident.

There are also all these threads with guys asking if their relationship seems strange, could they be getting scammed, etc., and I'll go in there and say stuff such as, if it were me my radar would be going off with all the red flags. Other guys are telling them to send cash, because if he doesn't the girl loses face, or to fly over there and visit and bring flowers.

It drives me crazy because quite a few of the people there don't speak a word of Chinese, their 'girlfriends,' avoid web cams, ask for gifts/cash, show no concern towards the guy, and all these warning signs, but the men are oblivious.

One post I warned this guy 5x and after a week and seeing him post about getting ripped off I called him a sucker and said if someone is warning you left and right and you still choose to send money, then yes, you are a sucker.

The day I got suspended the site owner had posted about him and his wife getting a divorce. The longer term members were ones who 'got,' the joke. I said they should close the thread, the site owner should lead by example, and some topics just are not funny to joke about.

One guy said he didn't like my attitude or posts. I asked him why should I care? Then a mod said something about my possibly being the first member ever booted out not for rules violations, but by consensus or something.

I asked that mod if he meant it was like the Survivor TV show and had the tribe spoken. Got banned after that post.

So, yeah, that site is good if you don't rock the boat, agree with longer term members who socialize there, are not sarcastic, and you focus on the visa process and nothing else.

Also, in my closed thread here, Warpedboard asked if I wanted them to post my comments here. I'd appreciate that. You had mods there that even admitted there was a double standard on the board.

Actually my thread here has been deleted I think, but regardless, CFL is good for China specific information, but it is not moderated anywhere close to the dozens of other sites I frequent.

In my mind, there's no mind there's an obvious double standard in the moderation. The same kind of thing happens here too but this site is far less agressively moderated. All that said, those who don't rock the boat can get the help they need in both cases.

I still gladly send people there and sometimes ask people to tell them I sent them. I send them there to get the help they need. I ask them to to say I sent them, just to rub their noses in it but to my knowledge nobody has ever actually mentioned me as the reason they were there. It isn't important.

For what it's worth, I think personal characterizations like "sucker" have no place in these forums. I prefer to stick to the advice when asked for and avoid it when it isn't. If the advice makes somebody feel like a "sucker", so be it. I prefer posts on the topic instead of about the poster.

My responses to posts about me, (not the topic) are what resulted in my ban. In general, the threads digressed due to territorial behavior by members of the insiders club including moderators violating the sites terms of service freely.

[pushbrk 12,672]

A little bird told me you got banned from CFL too.

I found this highly ironic, since like this post, you have always sent folks over there and praised that website. In fact, you are one of the reasons I went over there when my approved petition left NVC and went to GUZ.

My first problem with the mods there was when I made a post about past girlfriends and relationships called, "American Women." This freaked out some people there because they seem to have a 95% or more male poster ratio and a thread that could be viewed as sexist or degrading towards women is taboo, even though if a 'female,' poster does the same thing about men it is ok. My thread got locked.

I started a similar one later called "Relationship Experiences," or something and that one was allowed to go on and on and faded off the first page without incident.

There are also all these threads with guys asking if their relationship seems strange, could they be getting scammed, etc., and I'll go in there and say stuff such as, if it were me my radar would be going off with all the red flags. Other guys are telling them to send cash, because if he doesn't the girl loses face, or to fly over there and visit and bring flowers.

It drives me crazy because quite a few of the people there don't speak a word of Chinese, their 'girlfriends,' avoid web cams, ask for gifts/cash, show no concern towards the guy, and all these warning signs, but the men are oblivious.

One post I warned this guy 5x and after a week and seeing him post about getting ripped off I called him a sucker and said if someone is warning you left and right and you still choose to send money, then yes, you are a sucker.

The day I got suspended the site owner had posted about him and his wife getting a divorce. The longer term members were ones who 'got,' the joke. I said they should close the thread, the site owner should lead by example, and some topics just are not funny to joke about.

One guy said he didn't like my attitude or posts. I asked him why should I care? Then a mod said something about my possibly being the first member ever booted out not for rules violations, but by consensus or something.

I asked that mod if he meant it was like the Survivor TV show and had the tribe spoken. Got banned after that post.

So, yeah, that site is good if you don't rock the boat, agree with longer term members who socialize there, are not sarcastic, and you focus on the visa process and nothing else.

Also, in my closed thread here, Warpedboard asked if I wanted them to post my comments here. I'd appreciate that. You had mods there that even admitted there was a double standard on the board.

Actually my thread here has been deleted I think, but regardless, CFL is good for China specific information, but it is not moderated anywhere close to the dozens of other sites I frequent.

In my mind, there's no mind there's an obvious double standard in the moderation. The same kind of thing happens here too but this site is far less agressively moderated. All that said, those who don't rock the boat can get the help they need in both cases.

I still gladly send people there and sometimes ask people to tell them I sent them. I send them there to get the help they need. I ask them to to say I sent them, just to rub their noses in it but to my knowledge nobody has ever actually mentioned me as the reason they were there. It isn't important.

For what it's worth, I think personal characterizations like "sucker" have no place in these forums. I prefer to stick to the advice when asked for and avoid it when it isn't. If the advice makes somebody feel like a "sucker", so be it. I prefer posts on the topic instead of about the poster.

My responses to posts about me, (not the topic) are what resulted in my ban. In general, the threads digressed due to territorial behavior by members of the insiders club including moderators violating the sites terms of service freely.

My participation as "Duke" in this thread resulted in my ban. Notice the "GFY" by the moderator and the later follow-up that resulted in that same moderator posting, "Then I stand corrected."

http://candleforlove.com/forums/index.php?...mp;#entry372690

[Jaseball 0]

You're right about calling someone a sucker is pretty mean. Most folks just say sorry it happened and wish you the best. I actually felt bad about that because the guy was really cool, but far too trusting.

Here are some ironic things though:

1) My fiancee got packet 3 last night while I was asleep. I had a feeling she would get it before my ban was up, but I can't update my status on CFL and probably won't bother now.

2) Being banned means I can't use the PM system there and there are actually quite a few folks who agree with me and I want to stay in touch with them.

3) Contacting a mod or the site owner is a pain when banned. I even tried to start a new account to send some PM's, read the members section, and contact the mod who banned me, but I used an email with my username, so they never activated it.

I doubt they do IP tracking or range banning, so I could create another email, pull a new IP just in case, and then register for CFL again, but that is more trouble than it is worth. Of course this new account could be a 'female,' and I'd be treated like royalty, but that is just too sick and twisted.

Edited March 13, 2008 by Jaseball

[Brian & Kathy 0]

It's interesting to read these. I'm relatively new to VJ and very new to CFL, but there was always 'something' about CFL that I could never put my finger on. It didn't seem inviting, and in fact, we delayed registering until after NOA2, even though we learned about CFL and VJ at around the same time.

CFL is an amazing resource with huge wealths of information and help, but I'd rather not stay any longer than I have to. I think it's too bad that such a helpful forum can give anyone this general feeling.

I'll have to remember not to rock the boat. I'm pretty sure Kathy would NOT be happy if I get us banned.

Great to hear you got P3 Jaseball, and it was only a 2.5 month wait.

Brian

Edited March 13, 2008 by Brian & Kathy

[toplaw 0]

Interestingly enough, I was banned from CFL also - but by my fiancee.

[Captain Ewok 1,871]

I understand that you guys are frustrated regarding your problems with another website however this is not really the place to vent them continuously. It is certainly a fine line to walk in moderating these posts however I would ask that you consider contacting the other websites admin regarding your problems. Typically a website admin will listen to issues that are of concern to it's members. Thank you.

[pushbrk 12,672]

I understand that you guys are frustrated regarding your problems with another website however this is not really the place to vent them continuously. It is certainly a fine line to walk in moderating these posts however I would ask that you consider contacting the other websites admin regarding your problems. Typically a website admin will listen to issues that are of concern to it's members. Thank you.

Nobody gets banned from CFL without the admin's agreement. The purpose of this thread is to inform people the site is very helpful but far more aggressively moderated than this one, so caution in your posting is advised.

As such, examples of what won't fly seem quite appropriate.

[Jaseball 0]

I understand that you guys are frustrated regarding your problems with another website however this is not really the place to vent them continuously. It is certainly a fine line to walk in moderating these posts however I would ask that you consider contacting the other websites admin regarding your problems. Typically a website admin will listen to issues that are of concern to it's members. Thank you.

In my other posts I mentioned how I tried to contact the mods, but since I'm banned I have no access to PM's, the members area, or other ways to contact the mods there. I even tried to activate a second account, but used a jaseball@ address, so they knew it was me and never activated the account.

That's about as far as I am willing to go.

The China sub section on VJ is very inactive and it is actually nice to see informed people view and participate here.

Unlike my first post, this post is very dry with first person perspectives and no bashing of CFL.

[little white guy 0]

You're right about calling someone a sucker is pretty mean. Most folks just say sorry it happened and wish you the best. I actually felt bad about that because the guy was really cool, but far too trusting.

Here are some ironic things though:

1) My fiancee got packet 3 last night while I was asleep. I had a feeling she would get it before my ban was up, but I can't update my status on CFL and probably won't bother now.

2) Being banned means I can't use the PM system there and there are actually quite a few folks who agree with me and I want to stay in touch with them.

3) Contacting a mod or the site owner is a pain when banned. I even tried to start a new account to send some PM's, read the members section, and contact the mod who banned me, but I used an email with my username, so they never activated it.

I doubt they do IP tracking or range banning, so I could create another email, pull a new IP just in case, and then register for CFL again, but that is more trouble than it is worth. Of course this new account could be a 'female,' and I'd be treated like royalty, but that is just too sick and twisted.

Just make sure the woman spells her name right. Few weeks ago a poster named "peary" something like that got called pretty much a gay boy. Yes think it was a good old boy jumped the gun because of a miss spell. Don't know if she understood what she got called not seen anything else posted by her but will check again. I left that place never to post again and truth is when pushbrk was there his advice was the best in my view. Don't need good old boys opinions in maters such as this. Only facts.

[little white guy 0]

I understand that you guys are frustrated regarding your problems with another website however this is not really the place to vent them continuously. It is certainly a fine line to walk in moderating these posts however I would ask that you consider contacting the other websites admin regarding your problems. Typically a website admin will listen to issues that are of concern to it's members. Thank you.

In my other posts I mentioned how I tried to contact the mods, but since I'm banned I have no access to PM's, the members area, or other ways to contact the mods there. I even tried to activate a second account, but used a jaseball@ address, so they knew it was me and never activated the account.

That's about as far as I am willing to go.

The China sub section on VJ is very inactive and it is actually nice to see informed people view and participate here.

Unlike my first post, this post is very dry with first person perspectives and no bashing of CFL.

Once I ran across a saying in chinese looking for a way to tell my wife how much she means to me so I posted one I found asking just what did it mean?. I got a pm from "D" asking me if I was going to cause trouble on CFL. Your reason for asking me that is what I said. The reply was well maybe I didn't understand why you asked a translation of those words. So yes I said no you did not understand at all and futhermore your "jump" says you either have no common sense, which means you can't think and reason. Or the saying is true you can't teach a old dog a new trick.

[Dr Funkenstein 0]

What to do about getting an account on CFL? I filled registered two days ago but no responce. I have a case sent from NVC to GZ and would like to share in the fun.

Jim

[Rob & Jin 0]

What to do about getting an account on CFL? I filled registered two days ago but no responce. I have a case sent from NVC to GZ and would like to share in the fun.

Jim

You should be able to email one of the Admin group- (donasho) and tell him this. It can take a couple of days to get validated.

[Kongfu Panda 0]

I see..

I got on CFL today. I registered. I did not try to post on the forum.

I just tried to find the 2008 status of all applications, but I only found 2007 information.

Quite frastrated... I guess CFL is too sophisticated for me..