Trouble Adapting to Life Here..getting down on herself

[giannidellavigne 0]

Hi everyone. My wife is from Colombia and we've been married for 1 1/2 years now. Lately she's been getting really down on herself for a lot of things, but mainly:

The Language

She speaks great English but for her she just doesn't feel comfortable or confident yet to have conversations with others and she feels she can't be "herself" with other people like she can when she speaks Spanish. I know this because she's a totally different person when she's on the phone with friends or relatives, or even on the computer where she types in Spanish. I constantly tell her how much she's improved in such a short time but it just doesn't work---she's impatient and blames herself for not learning fast enough. This is our biggest problem right now. I am learning Spanish but it's a slow process

Friends/Social Life

She left her life in her country to be here with me. Many things are better here but she misses her friends, which I can understand. She hasn't made any friends here yet, partly because she's shy with the language but also because --let's admit it--it's tough to make friends after your school days. She works in a very small office with no one her own age so work is out of the question. It makes her feel bad to go out with my friends or family all the time--she feels less of a person. She missess her culture, her friends, her language, etc...even though she loves me this is something very important to her and it's starting to affect our relationship.

Her Job

In Colombia, she was a manager and people worked for her. Here, she feels she's "nothing" even though she works in an office as an intern. There's a lot worse jobs she could have so she should feel fortunate. She sees other immigrants (mostly Hispanic) who do the really tough jobs here -- housekeeping, maintenance, etc...and it makes her sad. She sometimes feels there's no future for Hispanics in this country and that it won't get better. Granted, in Colombia she made less money and had a less stable job. But here she is bossed around and forced to run errands and do other "intern" stuff like college kids do. She's over 30 and this bothers her.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I've checked out the Colombian Club here on VJ. Does anyone know of any local support groups, associations we can join where she can network and make friends and "have a vacation from English."??? I live in NJ and cannot find any Colombian clubs, or even Latino Associations, etc..

Thanks for reading...

G

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Google is your friend. Check out also the local YWCA and the public libraries--- sometimes they need bilingual people to tutor children (paid or volunteer). I'm sure she'll find something sooner or later. Also check out craiglist for bilingual jobs. Spanish is one of her greatest assets (not saying she doesn't have any others, I'm sure she's a smart woman!). Tell her to drop by our "FUERA DE LUGAR" thread.

peace and good luck, L.

[Imua 0]

Hi everyone. My wife is from Colombia and we've been married for 1 1/2 years now. Lately she's been getting really down on herself for a lot of things, but mainly:

The Language

She speaks great English but for her she just doesn't feel comfortable or confident yet to have conversations with others and she feels she can't be "herself" with other people like she can when she speaks Spanish. I know this because she's a totally different person when she's on the phone with friends or relatives, or even on the computer where she types in Spanish. I constantly tell her how much she's improved in such a short time but it just doesn't work---she's impatient and blames herself for not learning fast enough. This is our biggest problem right now. I am learning Spanish but it's a slow process

Friends/Social Life

She left her life in her country to be here with me. Many things are better here but she misses her friends, which I can understand. She hasn't made any friends here yet, partly because she's shy with the language but also because --let's admit it--it's tough to make friends after your school days. She works in a very small office with no one her own age so work is out of the question. It makes her feel bad to go out with my friends or family all the time--she feels less of a person. She missess her culture, her friends, her language, etc...even though she loves me this is something very important to her and it's starting to affect our relationship.

Her Job

In Colombia, she was a manager and people worked for her. Here, she feels she's "nothing" even though she works in an office as an intern. There's a lot worse jobs she could have so she should feel fortunate. She sees other immigrants (mostly Hispanic) who do the really tough jobs here -- housekeeping, maintenance, etc...and it makes her sad. She sometimes feels there's no future for Hispanics in this country and that it won't get better. Granted, in Colombia she made less money and had a less stable job. But here she is bossed around and forced to run errands and do other "intern" stuff like college kids do. She's over 30 and this bothers her.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I've checked out the Colombian Club here on VJ. Does anyone know of any local support groups, associations we can join where she can network and make friends and "have a vacation from English."??? I live in NJ and cannot find any Colombian clubs, or even Latino Associations, etc..

Thanks for reading...

G

Come across the river, take the 7 train to Jackson Heights - biggest Colombian community in the USA. There was some guy who ran a travel agency who has helped Colombian immigrants get settled - I wish I could remember his name. He had a bit part in the movie 'Maria Full of Grace' which was partially filmed in JH. I am sure if your wife asked around the community someone could point her in the right direction. Good luck!!

[giannidellavigne 0]

Thanks for the info guys! I'll do some googling and definitely take a trip to JH!

[Mononoke28 135]

John,

How long ago did your wife get here? Was she aware of the kind of life she was going to live once she arrived? I'm pretty straight forward and it is my belief that a lot of people create a sort of fantasy world of what their life in the US or their life with their SO will be once they get here, so it's a shock to them to see that it's not what they had imagined.

I've met a lot of people who felt that way when they first got here and then with time things got better, but they have to accept their new life and give up the old one, it's the only way. She cannot compare her life here vs. the life she had in Colombia and she needs to embrace what she can be in the US. There's a lot of room for growth for anybody who wants to take advantage of the opportunities they get here, which is more than what we can say for Colombia. And yes, there's plenty of people who have to shed a lot of tears and work hard to get what they want but they have much better lives than what they had in their native countries.

These are things that your wife needs to understand before she can move forward, if she doesn't she'll get stuck in the past and be miserable. But I'm sure with time and patience she'll get there.

Diana

[BishopMnA 0]

Church did the trick for my wife. She met lots of great people there and they were very helpful to her...

Peace,

MarkNAAm

[strong_silent_45 0]

Aloha from Hawaii ---- yes it must be difficult for her to adjust to the new culture where she may still feel like an outsider or experiencing feelings like she just doesn't "belong" yet. It is just my opinion, but if she is somehow able to find some niche here that she can relate to, I think that will help with her self esteem. At least she has a job and is working and making an income to contribute to your family unit, so that has to help. My wife arrived here from the Philippines last April. We were married in July ( 7-7-7 ) and she only just received her EAD a couple of months ago. Up until that time she was feeling worthless and depressed because she felt like she was not contributing and was feeling like a "freeloader." Now that she is working part time as a legal assistant for a Filipino law firm in Honolulu, she is starting to feel better. We also found her a really great work at home business too, and soon, she will be earning more than enough with her business to be able to just stay home and work on her business. It is amazing what a good income can do for a person's self esteem. : ) I wish you and your wife the best of luck and hopefully things will improve for her very quickly. Aloha for now --- Mark

[Nessa 23]

Her Job

In Colombia, she was a manager and people worked for her. Here, she feels she's "nothing" even though she works in an office as an intern.

I have encountered most of the issues she has, specially that part about the job. I used to be the manager, people would work for me, I'd supervise them, and here I feel like I'm nothing. It's a terrible feeling. I figured that I can't change the way things are here so I'm gonna have to change myself and learn to swallow my pride. I haven't succeeded in doing that yet, but maybe one day.

As for friends, I have problems finding a friend, small town, plus people are just different here, they're more ''cold''.

I'd suggest for you to take a look on finding local people that speaks her language. I'm sure there are hispanics there.