Funeral Bacchanalia

[chispas 0]

Hola VJ Familia,

Just wanted to share with you that earlier this week my sister-in-law passed back in Africa. It was a traumatic time for everyone, as she suffered more than necessary by not taking "Western Medication" or believing that her illness was due to "JuJu" that was put on her. (That's another long story) Since her passing, I have received phone calls, flashes, IM, email etc. from everyone claiming to be the person in charge of the arrangements. I haven't made a fiduciary contribution to anyone yet, but am put off by the blatant fighting over who will receive money and who should not get anything. Has anyone gone through this sort of infighting after the death of a family member in Africa? If yes, how did you handle it? I was sent a list with details down to the cost of chairs and snacks. This is quite disturbing to me!

P.S. Thanks to Boaz and Dana for helping me decipher some of this mystery. Hugs to all on VJ

Edited March 7, 2008 by chispas

[Ta Ta 1]

My sympathy for the loss of your sister in law.

I would in your special circumstances be very careful paying any large amount to anyone.

Ask your husband who the main person is in the immediate family and deal with that person only or better yet let your husband handle it but

protect yourself financially.

Yes, that is often so in Africa, everyone networks as one and everyone wants to arrange any occassion.

Watch closely what takes place and change your numbers if neccessary, give it only to a certain family member if the calls stress you out too much.

If he is the eldest brother then it would be expected of him to contribute generously.

[chispas 0]

My sympathy for the loss of your sister in law.

I would in your special circumstances be very careful paying any large amount to anyone.

Ask your husband who the main person is in the immediate family and deal with that person only or better yet let your husband handle it but

protect yourself financially.

Yes, that is often so in Africa, everyone networks as one and everyone wants to arrange any occassion.

Watch closely what takes place and change your numbers if neccessary, give it only to a certain family member if the calls stress you out too much.

If he is the eldest brother then it would be expected of him to contribute generously.

Hola Chica and thanks for the info. My husband has been MIA to his family. I didn't know that the family hadn't spoken to him until her sister became sicker and the phone calls started pouring in to me. He isn't the oldest one and does have other siblings in Europe too. Hmm

[Zee Bee 61]

I'm sorry about your SIL

When my grandmother passed away (2 years ago) my mom and my aunts had a hard time getting people on the same page. My grandmother had only daughters and some of my mom's cousins tried to overtake the funeral arrangements, claiming that they could not do it. Finally, my mom had to put her foot down and dictate what was to happen, where and when.

People wanted to have a big ceremony with all kinds of extras but my mom and my aunts refused, they didn't see the need for it (religiously and traditionally). People wanted money for this and that, for renting buses to ferry relatives from one village to another, for food, to pay religious people, and all kinds of other stuff.

Luckily my mom was there to do things herself, but I know for a fact that if she did not have the opportunity to go home, she would not have sent a dime. Sometimes people ask for money for this, and they use it for that. They may use it for something for which it is not intended.

I would take Omoba's advice, don't send anything, or do anything unless you feel 110% comfortable with your decision.

[Ta Ta 1]

Remember that some relatives may think you are rich and able and willing to put on the biggest and never before seen funeral and celebration afterwards the

entire village has ever seen. They may almost try to shame you into "your obligations ".

I would let my SO handle it, refer calls to him and send an amount you are both agreeing on.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Well, chica, in your situation, I don't think you should send any money. They will ask and they will be pushy and even rude. Send your prayers. Keep your money. She will be appropriately buried. Have you been able to notify your husband? I know he may not be in a place to care now.....but at least he'll know. It should be his responsibility to determine what HE would like to do. You can provide prayer and emotional support without sacrificing yourself.

[chispas 0]

Thanks Chicas,

Yes, I did let him know and his answer was a loud "OH". That was it. Nothing else said even though I have filled him in on the details. It is my perception that he didn't want to know the details. So I respected that. Today, I'll take the list of wants to him and let it alone. I just want to thank you ladies for your input because although I am not US born either, we don't tend to have this issue from our neck of the woods. I was doubting my own core beliefs so your input has really solidified my confidence to stick to what I know best.

[ose_n_me 0]

Sorry for your loss

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Thanks Chicas,

Yes, I did let him know and his answer was a loud "OH". That was it. Nothing else said even though I have filled him in on the details. It is my perception that he didn't want to know the details. So I respected that. Today, I'll take the list of wants to him and let it alone. I just want to thank you ladies for your input because although I am not US born either, we don't tend to have this issue from our neck of the woods. I was doubting my own core beliefs so your input has really solidified my confidence to stick to what I know best.

{hugs}