Yardies, at home and a farrin' (Part 6)

[*JG* 2]

I think if it starts to happen to either of you and it's openly discussed, then sure, things can be worked out IF BOTH OF YOU WANT TO WORK IT OUT. Say your husband is doing these suspect things and you find out. You bring them up and you want to work them out. But, he likes having you at home and his "friends" on the side. Then, NO, no matter what you want, it can't be worked out.

And, I'm sorry, but if they are fishing, they are looking for something that they will eventually find.

[Marlita 0]

The thing I am trying to say is there is no going back. If a man cheats on me, he better be willing to move forward. I have never, nor will I ever take a cheater back. It is my one rule I have never, nor will I ever go back on.

So, no, the answer is that it is not hard to stick to a rule you make if you really believe in that rule.

In a marriage, or any relationship for that matter, there are always grey areas to compromise on. However, I believe cheating breaks ALL the rules. I never compromise on this issue.

Just to play devils advocate here....what if you found out your partner cheated say, a year ago? You just find out, would you leave him now, or forgive what he did a year ago? Also, what if this same situation had children involved, meaning you have a young child between the 2 of you?

[tnw 0]

Cheating is cheating....and that is anything he wouldn`t do in front of me

I agree with both of the last 2 posts on this subject.

We are all adults here. We know what friendship entails and when know when it crosses over the boundry into something else. If he's hiding stuff from you, that boundry has been crossed. If me or my husband can't say something in the presence of the other to one of our "friends" then we have a problem.

ABSOLUTELY!

[Marlita 0]

JENGS........wake up....wake up

fi real, i was on time today, so the day is going to drag,

??? Here's my question for the day and when thinking about the answer let's try to leave our husband's/SO's out of it.

Do you believe the statement. She means nothing to me, when a man is caught cheating? Men (friends) have told me over and over again that men can sleep with a woman and have zero feelings for her. From observing men, I in part do belive that statement to be true, but when it goes on for a long time, that's when i'm like NOT. Long time meaning years and then they start having kids and all that stuff and he's still with his wife.

I'm awake now

She means something to him. If a man cheats on his wife, that other woman had some sort of pull, even if it was just to stroke his ego to know someone else still wants him. She meant enough for him to completely disrespect his wife and the vows of marriage he made.

That being said, I think a man can have casual affairs without it meaning any matter of the heart. He can have sex without being in love with the woman, sometimes without even really liking her. Women are usually much tougher on their hearts in these matters.

The very first time he cheated it would mean something to me. Something I could never forgive nor forget.

Again, forgiving infidelity in my eyes is a licence to cheat. He knows you`re not going anywhere, despite your threats...

I completely agree with this statement.

I, too, believe that if you let him get away with cheating at any time, he will KNOW he can do it again and again without consequences. He'll just get better at hiding it from you the next time.

Not even liking her, that is scary and English i totally agree with your second statement. Forgiving it the wrong way, just leads to more cheating, meaning there has to be some type of consequences. A long time ago one of my friend's uncles told her the same thing, if you make it to easy on a man to come back to you after he's cheated on you then he'll do it again.

I think women get stuck there. U might want him to suffer something but then their scared that they might drive him away to the other woman. but i think they should thing postive if he really wanted to be with her...wouldn't he have left you and went to her?? So sometimes the woman sho has been cheated on has more clout then she realizes...makes sense??

I don't have to debate forgiving anything the RIGHT or WRONG way cause in my life, there is NO way to forgive on this issue.

I would not be scared to drive him to this other woman......She can have him. He'll do the same thing to her that he did to me.

Clout? As in what? You hold it over his head each time you get mad at him? Make yourself sound like a Saint cause you forgave him and stuck by him? Pul----eeze......license to act up and know he'll be forgiven is all you've taught him!

Well I'm just saying as its not as cut an dry as this. i've been cheated on and I couldnt let go, not cause I couldn't get a better guy, but cause my love for the guy was still there....thats why the cheating hurt so much. if I didn't love him, honestly I could walk away, just like that. But I couldn't. I eventually left cause I couldnt forgive him and held it over his head almost weekly. Eventually his cheating, and my unforgiving heart broke the relationship completely apart. Now he of course was wrong to cheat in the first place, and I had the option to leave, as you say you would, but...hey I just wanted to work through it.

I do think some women are scared of being alone, scared of losing the time `invested`...instead of wasting more time on the man who has proven himself worthless on the premise that they decided to fight for their relationship, they need to leave and start afresh with someone who has respect for them.

Amen.

There are so many great women out there wasting their time trying to rehab a loser cheating man.

I totally agree.

Now to throw something else into this discussion...

Do you think there is such a thing as emotional cheating? Everyone assumes cheating to be on a sexual level but do you think such a thing exists as cheating on your wife emotionally?

Of course there is emotional cheating. i've done it cause I was emotionally deprived in a relationship that was on the brink. I definitely think men and women cheat for emtotional reasons.

[*JG* 2]

She means something to him. If a man cheats on his wife, that other woman had some sort of pull, even if it was just to stroke his ego to know someone else still wants him. She meant enough for him to completely disrespect his wife and the vows of marriage he made.

That being said, I think a man can have casual affairs without it meaning any matter of the heart. He can have sex without being in love with the woman, sometimes without even really liking her. Women are usually much tougher on their hearts in these matters.

The very first time he cheated it would mean something to me. Something I could never forgive nor forget.

I agree that a man can cheat and it not have any love sort of attachment to it. I believe that men are more tempted to cheat just for the fact that they are born male and in this society they are given this sexual prowess which can cause some serious damage to a long term and committed realtionship. I think that men have been having sex with woman they dont truly care about since the first time they lost their virginity so its not a shocker that it can still go on into adulthood and even after they are married. however, it doenst mean its right. And yes some men can have sex with you without even liking you...thats an odder man than most but it does happen.

After all this, i also believe that a man that has been truly convicted of his heart cannot continue to have sex with you if he is not emotionally in that relationship anymore. Sort of a situation where you notice the man doesnt want sex as much as he did before. Not having anything to do with being sick, or stressed but just some "odd" reason not wanting it from you anymore...thats also a red flag..to me...that he is getting it from somewhere else. Now even though a guy may cheat I don't think it bad that a woman stays with him. You cannot turn off love in the drop of a hat just because someone cheats....sad but very true. I do believe it hard to forgive, and you will NEVER forget so quit trying to. You will just have to honsetly forgive him and make a conscious effort to every day until it gets easier for you. I don;t think that by forgiving someone you are weak and telling them to cheat again. I think the man must take some responsibility for his actions and know that he hurt someone who truly cared for him. If he wants to be forgiven it must stop (cheating) from then on, and he must make an effort to help heal his partners heart. Otherwise he can also make the decision to leave the relationship and spare the partner added hurt and turmoil. I believe that it is good for the mind body and spirit to have a forgiving heart that is not burdened down. But it is also good not to endure continuing pain inflicted from a consistently cheating spouse. So in that regard it take two to rectify a relationship after the cheating has occured.

I never said that not being able to forgive someone and moving on meant you stopped loving them. If my husband cheated on me, I would not stop loving him at the drop of a hat. Nor, would I probably ever stop loving him. I could not live with him anymore.

I think the circumstances of the cheating and in the forgiving of a person foretells the future.

I think not only do men (or women, as the case may be) need to take responsibilities for their actions, after the fact, they need to think about them before they take that action. Cheating is usually not like you see in the movies where you meet someone and a spit second later you are screwing their brains out. There is a progression to the flirting and you always know when it is leading to something else. You cannot tell me that someone does not know when they are crossing a line. Not knowing and not heeding the signals are two different things.

Have any of you seen the movie "Unfaithful" with Diane Lane, Richard Gere, and Oliver Martinez? There is a scene in there where she just had her first sexual encounter with Oliver Martinez and she's heading back home on the subway. Her face goes from smiling to herself to sadness and back in split second intervals, until she is crying.

[Yaads 0]

She means something to him. If a man cheats on his wife, that other woman had some sort of pull, even if it was just to stroke his ego to know someone else still wants him. She meant enough for him to completely disrespect his wife and the vows of marriage he made.

That being said, I think a man can have casual affairs without it meaning any matter of the heart. He can have sex without being in love with the woman, sometimes without even really liking her. Women are usually much tougher on their hearts in these matters.

The very first time he cheated it would mean something to me. Something I could never forgive nor forget.

I agree that a man can cheat and it not have any love sort of attachment to it. I believe that men are more tempted to cheat just for the fact that they are born male and in this society they are given this sexual prowess which can cause some serious damage to a long term and committed realtionship. I think that men have been having sex with woman they dont truly care about since the first time they lost their virginity so its not a shocker that it can still go on into adulthood and even after they are married. however, it doenst mean its right. And yes some men can have sex with you without even liking you...thats an odder man than most but it does happen.

After all this, i also believe that a man that has been truly convicted of his heart cannot continue to have sex with you if he is not emotionally in that relationship anymore. Sort of a situation where you notice the man doesnt want sex as much as he did before. Not having anything to do with being sick, or stressed but just some "odd" reason not wanting it from you anymore...thats also a red flag..to me...that he is getting it from somewhere else. Now even though a guy may cheat I don't think it bad that a woman stays with him. You cannot turn off love in the drop of a hat just because someone cheats....sad but very true. I do believe it hard to forgive, and you will NEVER forget so quit trying to. You will just have to honsetly forgive him and make a conscious effort to every day until it gets easier for you. I don;t think that by forgiving someone you are weak and telling them to cheat again. I think the man must take some responsibility for his actions and know that he hurt someone who truly cared for him. If he wants to be forgiven it must stop (cheating) from then on, and he must make an effort to help heal his partners heart. Otherwise he can also make the decision to leave the relationship and spare the partner added hurt and turmoil. I believe that it is good for the mind body and spirit to have a forgiving heart that is not burdened down. But it is also good not to endure continuing pain inflicted from a consistently cheating spouse. So in that regard it take two to rectify a relationship after the cheating has occured.

I think that cheating is definitely a big deal to me. I don't know if it is the end all of the relationship because like Marlita said bolded above. I do think there is a difference in cheating once and consistently cheating. It is all in the intention in the first place.

Part of me thinks that being emotionally cheated on would hurt more than being physically cheated on.

I do think that people are able to keep a relationship together after infidelity. It is definitely hard but doable if you are willing. Some people just aren't willing and cheating has crossed their "can't go back" line. I understand and respect that persons decision but do think that it is possible to recover from infidelity and keep your marriage intact. A lot has to depend on the cheating spouses attitude - are they truly sorry, repentant and willing to change? Do they recognize that it will be a long road to recovery and that trust will have to be earned? Stuff like that...

[Marlita 0]

I do think some women are scared of being alone, scared of losing the time `invested`...instead of wasting more time on the man who has proven himself worthless on the premise that they decided to fight for their relationship, they need to leave and start afresh with someone who has respect for them.

Amen.

There are so many great women out there wasting their time trying to rehab a loser cheating man.

I totally agree.

Now to throw something else into this discussion...

Do you think there is such a thing as emotional cheating? Everyone assumes cheating to be on a sexual level but do you think such a thing exists as cheating on your wife emotionally?

thanks for that breath of fresh air and I say yes, I don't mind woman friends, but when it comes to to telling them things you wouldn't tell or share with me then i would have a problem with that.

Honestly, IMO, no......not with men. With men, it may start out that way; but it always seems to lead to something sexual, whether that be just talk or actions.

Well we're all human. Sex can be had with emotion by men also, they all don't just have sex for the physical enjoyment, for many men just as women, having sex with someone can be very emotionally fulfilling.

[Forever Young 1]

OMLAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWDDD!!!! Mi cyan't tek onnuh!!!!

Mi seh deh blinking new thread just start han wi hup tuh page SEVEN ARREADY!!!!!!!!!!!

Bwoy, onnuh cyan CHAT eh? ...Is why mi love onnuh suh dyam much !

Aright dem a ave mi WUKING tiddeh...mi check in lata!

Mi nuh ear nuttin from Kimkim...I hope she a feel arright!

BLESS-ED LOVE ALLLLLLWAYS YARDIE FAM!

Gill

Edited March 5, 2008 by Deyoungting

[Marlita 0]

I do think some women are scared of being alone, scared of losing the time `invested`...instead of wasting more time on the man who has proven himself worthless on the premise that they decided to fight for their relationship, they need to leave and start afresh with someone who has respect for them.

Amen.

There are so many great women out there wasting their time trying to rehab a loser cheating man.

I totally agree.

Now to throw something else into this discussion...

Do you think there is such a thing as emotional cheating? Everyone assumes cheating to be on a sexual level but do you think such a thing exists as cheating on your wife emotionally?

Ditto...and can go both ways. When needs are not being met...You can betta believe you open yourself to crossing some boundaries.

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

She means something to him. If a man cheats on his wife, that other woman had some sort of pull, even if it was just to stroke his ego to know someone else still wants him. She meant enough for him to completely disrespect his wife and the vows of marriage he made.

That being said, I think a man can have casual affairs without it meaning any matter of the heart. He can have sex without being in love with the woman, sometimes without even really liking her. Women are usually much tougher on their hearts in these matters.

The very first time he cheated it would mean something to me. Something I could never forgive nor forget.

I agree that a man can cheat and it not have any love sort of attachment to it. I believe that men are more tempted to cheat just for the fact that they are born male and in this society they are given this sexual prowess which can cause some serious damage to a long term and committed realtionship. I think that men have been having sex with woman they dont truly care about since the first time they lost their virginity so its not a shocker that it can still go on into adulthood and even after they are married. however, it doenst mean its right. And yes some men can have sex with you without even liking you...thats an odder man than most but it does happen.

After all this, i also believe that a man that has been truly convicted of his heart cannot continue to have sex with you if he is not emotionally in that relationship anymore. Sort of a situation where you notice the man doesnt want sex as much as he did before. Not having anything to do with being sick, or stressed but just some "odd" reason not wanting it from you anymore...thats also a red flag..to me...that he is getting it from somewhere else. Now even though a guy may cheat I don't think it bad that a woman stays with him. You cannot turn off love in the drop of a hat just because someone cheats....sad but very true. I do believe it hard to forgive, and you will NEVER forget so quit trying to. You will just have to honsetly forgive him and make a conscious effort to every day until it gets easier for you. I don;t think that by forgiving someone you are weak and telling them to cheat again. I think the man must take some responsibility for his actions and know that he hurt someone who truly cared for him. If he wants to be forgiven it must stop (cheating) from then on, and he must make an effort to help heal his partners heart. Otherwise he can also make the decision to leave the relationship and spare the partner added hurt and turmoil. I believe that it is good for the mind body and spirit to have a forgiving heart that is not burdened down. But it is also good not to endure continuing pain inflicted from a consistently cheating spouse. So in that regard it take two to rectify a relationship after the cheating has occured.

I never said that not being able to forgive someone and moving on meant you stopped loving them. If my husband cheated on me, I would not stop loving him at the drop of a hat. Nor, would I probably ever stop loving him. I could not live with him anymore.

I think the circumstances of the cheating and in the forgiving of a person foretells the future.

I think not only do men (or women, as the case may be) need to take responsibilities for their actions, after the fact, they need to think about them before they take that action. Cheating is usually not like you see in the movies where you meet someone and a spit second later you are screwing their brains out. There is a progression to the flirting and you always know when it is leading to something else. You cannot tell me that someone does not know when they are crossing a line. Not knowing and not heeding the signals are two different things.

Have any of you seen the movie "Unfaithful" with Diane Lane, Richard Gere, and Oliver Martinez? There is a scene in there where she just had her first sexual encounter with Oliver Martinez and she's heading back home on the subway. Her face goes from smiling to herself to sadness and back in split second intervals, until she is crying.

Love that movie. Cheating hurts. It doesn't matter who does it first, it's a very painful experience. I've been cheated on for SILLY reasons. Not wanting to do certain things, not want to have unprotected sex, not wanting to have a child yet...the list can go on. Oh, HECK, even caught an ex in bed. You think I would have learned something. Sometimes I takes a lot for me to forgive myself and move on. With my son's father, I wanted to hold on to something that was never there. It took me a long time to find that out, but I did in the end. Now, it's time to FORGIVE myself and stop blaming myself for not catching on the the game earlier.

[*JG* 2]

The thing I am trying to say is there is no going back. If a man cheats on me, he better be willing to move forward. I have never, nor will I ever take a cheater back. It is my one rule I have never, nor will I ever go back on.

So, no, the answer is that it is not hard to stick to a rule you make if you really believe in that rule.

In a marriage, or any relationship for that matter, there are always grey areas to compromise on. However, I believe cheating breaks ALL the rules. I never compromise on this issue.

Just to play devils advocate here....what if you found out your partner cheated say, a year ago? You just find out, would you leave him now, or forgive what he did a year ago? Also, what if this same situation had children involved, meaning you have a young child between the 2 of you?

Yes, one of us would have to go. There are not "what ifs" in this one for me. If he cheats....at any point during our relationship.....and I find out about it, it's over. I believe in this issue with everything I have. There is no gray area here. I make it very clear from the beginning of a serious relationship. If you want me, you can have only me. If you want others, then move along.

No other scenario would make a difference. I am not dependent on any man. I need my husband in many different ways but to say I am solely dependent on anyone but myself is absolutely ridiculous. I am a strong woman completely capable of taking care of myself. My husband does not complete me, nor vice versa. We compliment each other.

[Marlita 0]

Cheating is cheating....and that is anything he wouldn`t do in front of me

I agree with both of the last 2 posts on this subject.

We are all adults here. We know what friendship entails and when know when it crosses over the boundry into something else. If he's hiding stuff from you, that boundry has been crossed. If me or my husband can't say something in the presence of the other to one of our "friends" then we have a problem.

agree with what i've bolded

but i'm thinking i'm not understanding what emotional cheating is! i'm thinking that it is stuff u should be telling your wife and your not, maybe because the two of you have grown apart, i'm picking up from the other posts..that in really almost come in like flirting?? is this right?? like fishing to see if u can go there (sexually)

I thinkin it can be both ways. I think flirting can be strictly physical. Heck I flirt. But when you to get to confiding in another man or woman that's different, you look foward to your interactions with the other person, they start to make you feel good( need being met) They are forfilling a neet not being met by the husband or wife or not realizing their need can only be met by the MAN ABOVE. They are headed for trouble.

Come on now, we ALL flirt. I wouldn't think my man to be human if he didnt. its when you take it to another level. i can flirt in front of my man and he knows its just playful Marlita doing her thing.

[*JG* 2]

Cheating is cheating....and that is anything he wouldn`t do in front of me

I agree with both of the last 2 posts on this subject.

We are all adults here. We know what friendship entails and when know when it crosses over the boundry into something else. If he's hiding stuff from you, that boundry has been crossed. If me or my husband can't say something in the presence of the other to one of our "friends" then we have a problem.

agree with what i've bolded

but i'm thinking i'm not understanding what emotional cheating is! i'm thinking that it is stuff u should be telling your wife and your not, maybe because the two of you have grown apart, i'm picking up from the other posts..that in really almost come in like flirting?? is this right?? like fishing to see if u can go there (sexually)

I thinkin it can be both ways. I think flirting can be strictly physical. Heck I flirt. But when you to get to confiding in another man or woman that's different, you look foward to your interactions with the other person, they start to make you feel good( need being met) They are forfilling a neet not being met by the husband or wife or not realizing their need can only be met by the MAN ABOVE. They are headed for trouble.

Come on now, we ALL flirt. I wouldn't think my man to be human if he didnt. its when you take it to another level. i can flirt in front of my man and he knows its just playful Marlita doing her thing.

Which is exactly what I said. If you can't do it is front of your husband, therein lies the problem.

[brownnskinn 0]

Gill you crack me up.

I want some cheesecake

Edited March 5, 2008 by brownnskinn

[TRELAWNY PARISH 10]

Cheating is cheating....and that is anything he wouldn`t do in front of me

I agree with both of the last 2 posts on this subject.

We are all adults here. We know what friendship entails and when know when it crosses over the boundry into something else. If he's hiding stuff from you, that boundry has been crossed. If me or my husband can't say something in the presence of the other to one of our "friends" then we have a problem.

agree with what i've bolded

but i'm thinking i'm not understanding what emotional cheating is! i'm thinking that it is stuff u should be telling your wife and your not, maybe because the two of you have grown apart, i'm picking up from the other posts..that in really almost come in like flirting?? is this right?? like fishing to see if u can go there (sexually)

I thinkin it can be both ways. I think flirting can be strictly physical. Heck I flirt. But when you to get to confiding in another man or woman that's different, you look foward to your interactions with the other person, they start to make you feel good( need being met) They are forfilling a neet not being met by the husband or wife or not realizing their need can only be met by the MAN ABOVE. They are headed for trouble.

Come on now, we ALL flirt. I wouldn't think my man to be human if he didnt. its when you take it to another level. i can flirt in front of my man and he knows its just playful Marlita doing her thing.

I think flirting with another woman in front of me is DISRESPECTFUL...I would never do that and I'm sure my man wouldn't like it.

Years ago I was dating this guy and we went out to eat. I noticed from we sat down that this woman kept flirting with my date and we kept talking about it. So, I told him I'm going to get up and go to the restroom. The woman's date went outside to make a call and the woman walked by and handed her business card to my date. She also wrote on the back of the card (call me after 11pm he'll be at work. When I got back to the table my date gave me the card and YES, I got up walked over to her table and handed it to her date (which was her husband) and told him to read what's on the back. Was I wrong to do that?