Cutting ties or helping with AOS

[southernchic 0]

Dear VJ community:

I'm truly between a rock and a hard place. My husband and I are now separated and heading towards divorce. After almost 2 years of drama and mental anguish dealing with this man, I am ready to move on with my life. As soon as he arrived in the US i learned that he'd been lying to me about some serious issues. I tried to see if there was a way to work it out but I kept catching in lie after lie after lie.

Finally I had enough and forced him to leave. Mind you, he was telling me that he loved me and couldn't live without me but when he knew his time was coming to an end (just before he moved out) I discovered that he was on dating sites aggressively looking to meet other women.

THE CHALLENGE IS THIS. I know for a fact that he'd rather live in the US illegally than to return to his home country without a wife, a child or money. His family doesn't even know that we're separated. I worry about him living in the US as an illegal. But my delimna is that I don't want to sponsor him. To date, I haven't even applied for the AOS. Time is running out. I have to make up my mind.

This isn't about punishment or revenge. Its about not wanting to be a victim and not wanting having financial responsibility for this guy. Did we have a legit relationship? Maybe. But I'm not sure because he's lied so much and had he not lied in the first place we'd probably never have gotten marrried.

Part of me wants to help him out of compassion over how he will survive as an illegal. But there is another part of me that just wants to cut ties. I welcome respectful and non-judgemental advice - esp from those who've experienced something like this. here are my three questions:

Should I help him or cut ties and walk away?

Is is possible to help with the AOS process and to end my sponsorship some time down the road?

What is the level of financial obligation for a sponsor? Under what conditions would I have to pay money?

[frustrated1 0]

That is a tough decision. I believe if you pursue the AOS process, you have show financial support and that may come back to haunt you if he's unable to support himself for any reason. Also, if you then say you can't support him, that may jeopardize your sponsoring rights in the future.

I'm not sure what the answer is, perhaps consultation with a lawyer is the best thing to do.

good luck.

[eau_xplain 2]

Dear VJ community:

I'm truly between a rock and a hard place. My husband and I are now separated and heading towards divorce. After almost 2 years of drama and mental anguish dealing with this man, I am ready to move on with my life. As soon as he arrived in the US i learned that he'd been lying to me about some serious issues. I tried to see if there was a way to work it out but I kept catching in lie after lie after lie.

Finally I had enough and forced him to leave. Mind you, he was telling me that he loved me and couldn't live without me but when he knew his time was coming to an end (just before he moved out) I discovered that he was on dating sites aggressively looking to meet other women.

THE CHALLENGE IS THIS. I know for a fact that he'd rather live in the US illegally than to return to his home country without a wife, a child or money. His family doesn't even know that we're separated. I worry about him living in the US as an illegal. But my delimna is that I don't want to sponsor him. To date, I haven't even applied for the AOS. Time is running out. I have to make up my mind.

This isn't about punishment or revenge. Its about not wanting to be a victim and not wanting having financial responsibility for this guy. Did we have a legit relationship? Maybe. But I'm not sure because he's lied so much and had he not lied in the first place we'd probably never have gotten marrried.

Part of me wants to help him out of compassion over how he will survive as an illegal. But there is another part of me that just wants to cut ties. I welcome respectful and non-judgemental advice - esp from those who've experienced something like this. here are my three questions:

Should I help him or cut ties and walk away?

Is is possible to help with the AOS process and to end my sponsorship some time down the road?

What is the level of financial obligation for a sponsor? Under what conditions would I have to pay money?

You're in a difficult situation. Only you can answer your first question but I will try to help with the other two.

Once you sign the I-864 as your husband's sponsor you are bound to it until any of the following conditions are met:

1) if the sponsored spouse earns 40 quarters of work credit; or

2) the sponsored spouse departs the US permanently and abandons his LPR status; or

3) the sponsored spouse becomes a US citizen (which he is eligible to apply for after 5 years of being an LPR if he is no longer married to a USC); or

4) the sponsored spouse dies

As a sponsor your obligation is to refund the government for any means-tested benefits that the sponsored spouse may avail of while the I-864 is in force.

Edited March 3, 2008 by eau_xplain

[pushbrk 12,898]

Helping him would involve going to the interview with him to and lying about the validity of your marital relationship.

Edited March 3, 2008 by pushbrk

[mox 298]

Helping him would involve going to the interview with him to and lying about the validity of your marital relationship.

Exactly. You can't be this guy's keeper. And you really don't want to lie to the government. He's already exacted an emotional cost, in addition to time and real money. It could wind up costing you a lot more to go through with a lie.

[Caladan 19]

You gave it your best shot. It didn't work out. To sponsor him now, if I read you correctly, would involve you pretending your marriage was fine and committing yourself for support.

Why would you do that?

If he becomes illegal, that's his choice and his concern. You don't owe him a green card.

I would walk, were it me.

[southernchic 0]

I have no intentions of lieing to the the US government. On one hand it didn't work out. But on the other hand, I'm ending it bc I don't want to take a chance that this guy might be totally insincere.

At the beginning of the relationship I told him that he had to honest with me. I told him I'd doubt if he was in this for real or for papers. Bu he lied anyway. I don't nec think the relationship was fake but I'm not sure if he was real with me either. I don't know.

[*JG* 2]

If it were me in this situation, I would not support him in any way from here on out. He lied to you over and over and over again, essentially using your kind nature for his own means.....what do you think will be different about that in the future?

I say save yourself some headaches and cut the ties. He made his bed and now he must lie in it!

Please take care of yourself.

[Zee Bee 61]

Compassinate or not, you do not owe this guy anything. The requirements of the sponsorship were outlined by eau explain. Do you really want to be tied to down to this man for that long?

If it were me, I would cut my losses and move on. Like Caladan said, you do not owe him a greencard. He knows (or should know) when his visa expires. He is a grown man and if he chooses to stay here illegally then that is on HIM not YOU.

Take care of yourself.

[wherezdabearz 0]

I have no intentions of lieing to the the US government. On one hand it didn't work out. But on the other hand, I'm ending it bc I don't want to take a chance that this guy might be totally insincere.

At the beginning of the relationship I told him that he had to honest with me. I told him I'd doubt if he was in this for real or for papers. Bu he lied anyway. I don't nec think the relationship was fake but I'm not sure if he was real with me either. I don't know.

But you would be lying to the US government if you went through AOS because in order to do so you would have to pretend that you were still happily married...

[zqt3344 21]

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but open your eyes. Cut the ties and walk away and do not be foolish enough to even consider sponsoring him unless of course you wish to be on the hook to legally pay and take care of him for quite some time for many many years to come, while he continues to move on with his new life and new women in the USA and you might just be the one getting to pay for his standard of living!

Dear VJ community:

I'm truly between a rock and a hard place. My husband and I are now separated and heading towards divorce. After almost 2 years of drama and mental anguish dealing with this man, I am ready to move on with my life. As soon as he arrived in the US i learned that he'd been lying to me about some serious issues. I tried to see if there was a way to work it out but I kept catching in lie after lie after lie.

Finally I had enough and forced him to leave. Mind you, he was telling me that he loved me and couldn't live without me but when he knew his time was coming to an end (just before he moved out) I discovered that he was on dating sites aggressively looking to meet other women.

THE CHALLENGE IS THIS. I know for a fact that he'd rather live in the US illegally than to return to his home country without a wife, a child or money. His family doesn't even know that we're separated. I worry about him living in the US as an illegal. But my delimna is that I don't want to sponsor him. To date, I haven't even applied for the AOS. Time is running out. I have to make up my mind.

This isn't about punishment or revenge. Its about not wanting to be a victim and not wanting having financial responsibility for this guy. Did we have a legit relationship? Maybe. But I'm not sure because he's lied so much and had he not lied in the first place we'd probably never have gotten marrried.

Part of me wants to help him out of compassion over how he will survive as an illegal. But there is another part of me that just wants to cut ties. I welcome respectful and non-judgemental advice - esp from those who've experienced something like this. here are my three questions:

Should I help him or cut ties and walk away?

Is is possible to help with the AOS process and to end my sponsorship some time down the road?

What is the level of financial obligation for a sponsor? Under what conditions would I have to pay money?

Edited March 3, 2008 by zqt3344

[southernchic 0]

I have no intentions of lieing to the the US government. On one hand it didn't work out. But on the other hand, I'm ending it bc I don't want to take a chance that this guy might be totally insincere.

At the beginning of the relationship I told him that he had to honest with me. I told him I'd doubt if he was in this for real or for papers. Bu he lied anyway. I don't nec think the relationship was fake but I'm not sure if he was real with me either. I don't know.

But you would be lying to the US government if you went through AOS because in order to do so you would have to pretend that you were still happily married...

I wasn't aware of the details of the AOS process. I'd read that if the relationship was legit then he's sort of entitled to it. But I'm not going to lie and pretend that we're a happily married couple. That's not going to happen. Again, the relationships more or less FELT legit. But I know that he lied to create an image that he was compatible with me. And when someone is that dishonest you never know what's going on until its too late. i know that him lieing wasn't just about the visa. But i'll leave the discussion for another time.

Thanks for the advice everyone. Its clear to me that helping this guy is out of the question for many reasons. I worry about him a lot. But I'll get over it I guess. Its just another lesson learned. International relationships are very very serious.

[Caladan 19]

southernchic, with the situations as you describe, he's not entitled to it. Many, if not most, file for AOS soon after their partner is eligible, and in that case, you need to show that the marriage was entered into in good faith and (here's the kicker) that it's still ongoing.

To *remove* conditions, the marriage need not still be viable. But in order to be eligible in the first place, there has to be a viable marriage. If you don't have that now, he's not eligible to adjust status.

[southernchic 0]

southernchic, with the situations as you describe, he's not entitled to it. Many, if not most, file for AOS soon after their partner is eligible, and in that case, you need to show that the marriage was entered into in good faith and (here's the kicker) that it's still ongoing.

To *remove* conditions, the marriage need not still be viable. But in order to be eligible in the first place, there has to be a viable marriage. If you don't have that now, he's not eligible to adjust status.

Thanks everyone. Obviously I had some misconceptions about this part of the process. Glad I decided NOT to file for the AOS when he arrived. I feel better already. Now, I have to focus on getting the divorce and completely moving on with my life.

[mox 298]

Now, I have to focus on getting the divorce and completely moving on with my life.

I know this is easier said than done, so good for you, and best of luck!