Dowry!

[morocco4ever 63]

Would dowry for divorced women in the Mid East be different and or less than dowry given to women who were not previously married? Talking about divorced MENA women, not Western women.

Not necessarily, at least not in Palestine. It's all up to the couple, or the families who are negotiating. Some never-married women who are quite beautiful and accomplished agree to set their dowries quite low, and some divorced ladies with several children set their dowries quite high. It all depends on the couple's agreement.

Also, sometimes a very high mahr can indicate other issues. For instance, there was a young man from my husband's village who was having pre-marital sex with a young lady. He was a player, of course -- he led her to believe that he'd marry her, took what he wanted, and figured he'd then move on. Of course, the damage to her reputation would be irreversible.

However, her family found out about it, and went straight to the authorities. A group of extremely intimidating men went after the guy and gave him two choices: he could immediately marry the lady (and agree to a 50,000 dinar mahr which would be immediately payable if he tried to divorce her) or they would beat the ####### out of him (and quite possibly beat him into permanent disability or death.) Not surprisingly, he chose marriage. If he wants out, he can pay the price for what he did. Meanwhile, her honor has been restored.

-MK

I guess he got what he deserves, but I am sure it won't stop his behavour. Too bad the marriage still won't bring this girl happiness even if her honor has been restored.

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

Would dowry for divorced women in the Mid East be different and or less than dowry given to women who were not previously married? Talking about divorced MENA women, not Western women.

Not necessarily, at least not in Palestine. It's all up to the couple, or the families who are negotiating. Some never-married women who are quite beautiful and accomplished agree to set their dowries quite low, and some divorced ladies with several children set their dowries quite high. It all depends on the couple's agreement.

Also, sometimes a very high mahr can indicate other issues. For instance, there was a young man from my husband's village who was having pre-marital sex with a young lady. He was a player, of course -- he led her to believe that he'd marry her, took what he wanted, and figured he'd then move on. Of course, the damage to her reputation would be irreversible.

However, her family found out about it, and went straight to the authorities. A group of extremely intimidating men went after the guy and gave him two choices: he could immediately marry the lady (and agree to a 50,000 dinar mahr which would be immediately payable if he tried to divorce her) or they would beat the ####### out of him (and quite possibly beat him into permanent disability or death.) Not surprisingly, he chose marriage. If he wants out, he can pay the price for what he did. Meanwhile, her honor has been restored.

-MK

I guess he got what he deserves, but I am sure it won't stop his behavour. Too bad the marriage still won't bring this girl happiness even if her honor has been restored.

Actually, she wanted the marriage -- she loved him then and apparently still does. And he's pretty much scared sh!tless to try to pull anything like that again. It's not easy for him to be a player these days -- he lives in a small village, and everyone knows the story now (including the girls who might have been his next victims.) With the closures, he can't go to Israel for prostitutes. So he's pretty much SOL for extra-curricular activities. If he really wants out, he has to pay the price. They have 3 children now. In the village, she is considered the winner in the deal.

[Nasturtium 500]

Also in many cases in the villages honor is way more important than love. Her relationship with the villagers can either make her life h_ll or not (and in cases of honor-killings it can mean the end of life)-- so it's not something to really be pittied in all cases

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

Also in many cases in the villages honor is way more important than love. Her relationship with the villagers can either make her life h_ll or not (and in cases of honor-killings it can mean the end of life)-- so it's not something to really be pittied in all cases

The "villagers" don't conduct "honor killings" -- when it happens, it's a woman's own family who does the deed.

Obviously in this case her family was not interested in an "honor killing" -- they went straight to the authorities.

The problem with the situation was that if he didn't marry her, she would almost certainly not be able to find another man willing to marry her. The way the family worked out the problem, her honor is restored -- even if the couple divorces, she will still be "marriageable."

Actually, this couples *does* love each other. The man didn't originally plan to stick around for marriage, but he now has a wife and 3 kids, and they are both functioning rather well in their marriage.

And this is the important thing in this culture -- to have honor, and get married and hopefully have kids. I realize it may sound strange and alien to some people who still aren't quite comfortable with the way things work in the Arab world, but actually the way this situation was handled makes a lot of sense, and it turned out the best for all involved.

Edited March 4, 2008 by wife_of_mahmoud

[Nasturtium 500]

The "villagers" don't conduct "honor killings" -- when it happens, it's a woman's own family who does the deed.

Obviously in this case her family was not interested in an "honor killing" -- they went straight to the authorities.

I actually agree-- it sounds like the perfect solution to the problem, I was just mentioning an aside. People here don't always understand the role honor plays in things. it can be in gradiants of severity, obviously, but it's still usually of some importance to everyone.

I was thinking of the "villagers" as extended family, which may not be the case of course. In Jordan it's happened before (although yes, rarely) that if the nuclear family won't "take care of a problem" at times an extended family member will.

At any rate, I think ti si an excellent axample of a way better solution than other people find!

I never answered the question. I did receive a monetary dower (dower is male to female, dowry is female to male), a trip, and some jewelry, although just the monetary sum is in the contract itself.

[morocco4ever 63]

I certainly understand that the culture plays a high value on her honor. Its just for me personally, I would NEVER want to be with a man that didn't love me. I guess that is what makes me an American doesn't it.

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

I certainly understand that the culture plays a high value on her honor. Its just for me personally, I would NEVER want to be with a man that didn't love me. I guess that is what makes me an American doesn't it.

I'm pretty sure he loves her He just needed a helluva kick in the azz to grow up.

[♥JP♥ 5]

Many MENA men and women believe that love comes after marriage.

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

Many MENA men and women believe that love comes after marriage.

[Donna A 4]

i got a little of both. i dont think his sisters wanted anything when they married. the only condition his dad put was her fiance must have a house ready for her.

on the other hand my husband had to give his ex. $10,000 because his rich uncle went with him for the negotiation. my husband said he will pay nothing and his uncle said oh yes u are. yeah real nice uncle son didnt pay anything to hassan's sister but hassan had to pay for his ex that much...something just wasnt right with that picture.

marriege only lasted a year and half and he was ordered to pay the divorse fee of $10,000 also. thank God his dad appealed it and she just wanted out and refused it all. it could have gone on for years.

[morocco4ever 63]

Many MENA men and women believe that love comes after marriage.

Oh that is right, I heard that from my husband.

My husband and I have different ideas of the entire dating thing. I believe that you should get to know that person before you get married so you can be sure that you are compatible. My husbands view is just that, love comes after marriage. His argument is that there are a lot less divorces there than there are here in the US. My view is that many people marry there and never have love, but accept it as normal. This could make an interesting topic, but I guess we would want more than an american female view on this to get the entire picture.

[a1angied 0]

I believe mine was a pound of gold and 1000 jd . I was asked if this was acceptable and I said I don't want anything and was told that I needed to have something and so I said it was ok.

[sarahaziz 0]

personally if i wasnt married now, all i needed from the one who i would marry is that he was a virgin (no gf's, no std's, hiv,etc..) and he had a good view on God. If he had God in his heart then he won't do any haraam to me he'll think about GOd first. That's me personally

[Hanna&Mohamed 0]

Yes I got alot of gold jewerly !I also have a beautiful flat he had built for us!

[Donna A 4]

my husband also believe love dont come til after the marriege until he met me and knew he was in love. also his ex told the judge she only loved my husband when they were engaged and after the marriege stopped. i guess it could work out both ways.