New Life

[bakofoil 27]

And in certain circumstances, as you stated, what might seem like an impossible situation at the time of posting may turn out ok, given that the OP receives sufficient impartial advice.

[Jeraly 4]

I just think it is important for people who are perhaps in situations that justify posting in this forum, or even those that *feel* they are in a situation that justifies posting in this forum (USC or RANUSC) to be able to put a situation out there and receive a plethora of advice from various angles and people.

I know I can be terrible at jumping to wrong conclusions (and I am not saying that this is always the case with topics in this thread) so sometimes it is nice to hear words of support and alternative options that may not have been considered previously. Likewise it is nice to hear constructive ways of dealing with a situation in a variety of ways, not just one.

For example consider this situation:

Partner1 (either USC or RANUSC - this can be interchangeable) finds out Partner2 has been talking to women/men online. They are freaking out - Partner2 is obviously cheating and should be deported/divorced (if RANUSC) or (if USC) Partner1 doesn't know where they stand - they want to leave, get a divorce but they have just uprooted their whole life to the USA from the other side of the world and they don't want to have to go through all that again now they have settled down, got a job, made friends etc.

Partner1 is distraught and thinking of the worst case scenario. Of course they may be correct. By offering this info though they may get responses that range from "oh no that's terrible, I hope everything works out ok" to "DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE".

However, the shades of grey may also contain advice about how to proceed if they get a divorce, not just that they should get one. They may also be persuaded to go to marriage counselling, talk to each other, all those "fluffy bunny" things that seem to be looked down upon by some. Hell, they may even find out in the long run that Partner2 was merely feeling lonely and isolated and talking to both men and women online from their own country (and not necessarily to plot taking over the world or gloat about their GC) for a bit of support from a culture they are familiar with.

I think that it is impossible to always address a situation from the same viewpoint and while it is fine that alternative points of view are offered, by no means should the "softly softly" approach be criticised - in some cases it may even save a relationship from rash decisions being made.

[bakofoil 27]

Spot on Aly.

[mox 298]

I think that it is impossible to always address a situation from the same viewpoint and while it is fine that alternative points of view are offered, by no means should the "softly softly" approach be criticised - in some cases it may even save a relationship from rash decisions being made.

I think too often we forget that people are broken, but people can also be fixed too. It's not always rainbows and puppy dogs, but it's not always grim and bleak either. My father cheated on my mother when I was a pre-teen, and it almost destroyed our family. It was an unforgivable situation, and yet somehow (to completely simplify the situation) my mother managed to forgive him, and they are still married to this day, more or less happily. Had my mother come here seeking advice, she'd have inevitably heard the "DIVORCE! DIVORCE! DIVORCE!" drum beat. And had my father been an immigrant, the drumbeat would have included "DEPORT! DEPORT! DEPORT" and "HE WAS JUST USING YOU!" So I would hope that she'd also have been able to find some advice to "seek counseling and see if there's anything left of your relationship to salvage." That may be the fluffy, unrealistic "sugar-coated" view that some of our members don't think is helpful, but thank goddess someone talked that kind of sense to my mom. She didn't do it for the children, or for financial reasons, or for anything else other than she felt she owed it to herself and her family to work it out. That was her decision, and her situation. Someone else in that situation might have dumped the ####### and move on with their lives. That's not a wrong answer either, but it's important to know that it's not the only answer. Because there aren't just 2 sides, there's about a billion sides, and they're all different.

Edited March 8, 2008 by mox

[Jeraly 4]

Good point well made - in a similar situation, my dad had an affair (not just cheated once) with one of my mum's friends. I think mum believes she wasn't the first one but she turned a blind eye or tried to work through it until it got to the point she couldn't anymore. She ended up breaking up with him, he married the other woman (who was a b*tch), got divorced, lost contact with me for four years, had a string of failed relationships, moved around a lot and was in and out of jobs, suffered from depression...

Mum on the other hand fought tooth and nail through a messy divorce, bringing up three children on benefits as well as keeping a car on the road (more expensive here than in the US!!!) and paying a mortgage on a house in a nice area all while going back to college for six years to get qualifications she didn't manage to in school that would enable her to go back to uni and complete her Bachelor's degree (again all on benefits with three young children - I was 9 and my youngest brother was 3 when my dad left). Now she is a head teacher in a private school on about $70k a year (this might be a conservative estimate - I don't ask her about it much).

I think it speaks volumes that such different situations and different resolutions can have such different results. What is right for one person isn't right for another. The example I have given has shown that no matter how hard something is to go through (and I haven't even mentioned the half of the difficulties) there is always a solution even when you don't expect things to pick up. I am certain that this is also the case for people in relationships and marriages involving USCs and RANUSCs - hell, if you cut me I still bleed, even if I am not American.

[bakofoil 27]

Your mum is inspirational!

[Jeraly 4]

Truly - it's what made me train to be a teacher. Pity the profession has been degraded by so much government BS, red tape and paperwork - doesn't feel like it is about the children anymore so finished my degree then got an office job Will look into things more in the US

[bakofoil 27]

Truly - it's what made me train to be a teacher. Pity the profession has been degraded by so much government BS, red tape and paperwork - doesn't feel like it is about the children anymore so finished my degree then got an office job Will look into things more in the US

I just finished my teaching job on Friday. I'm considering NOT going back into teaching at all. The govt BS, red tape and bureaucracy plus lowering of standards across the board has put me off going back. I love my subject and I love being in the classroom. What happens outside of the classroom is truly demoralising at times.

Plus, I'd have to completely retrain in California. I don't know whether I'm prepared to put myself through the stress anymore. An office job sounds great right now.

[Jeraly 4]

*temporary thread hijack*

Agreed - I love the kids but even with my lack of experience I can see how it isn't like it used to be. Office job is ok but it isn't very fulfilling - wanting to set up my own business in the US and hopefully, if it is successful, offer opportunities for young people to be employed part time while going through school in something other than fast food or grocery stores! I'd love to offer opportunities to young people based on their imaginations, work ethic and skill rather than their ability to learn by rote and get a piece of paper - it's so competitive nowadays with degrees that are two-a-penny that I would like to think that there are opportunities for young people that don't involve going to uni

[bakofoil 27]

oops, it was a thread hijack. Apologies to the OP I sometimes forget which thread I'm writing on.

Anyway, your plans sound great. I really hope they come to fruition in the way you hope.

[KarenCee 3]

Truly - it's what made me train to be a teacher. Pity the profession has been degraded by so much government BS, red tape and paperwork - doesn't feel like it is about the children anymore so finished my degree then got an office job Will look into things more in the US

I just finished my teaching job on Friday. I'm considering NOT going back into teaching at all. The govt BS, red tape and bureaucracy plus lowering of standards across the board has put me off going back. I love my subject and I love being in the classroom. What happens outside of the classroom is truly demoralising at times.

Plus, I'd have to completely retrain in California. I don't know whether I'm prepared to put myself through the stress anymore. An office job sounds great right now.

This is how I feel right now. I am SO tired of the gov't BS and red tape, paperwork (god, you'd think I'd be used to this considering this freaking immigration journey) that I just feel my usefulness in this profession is at an end. I've been teaching 13 years now...and this is the longest my "burn out" feeling has lasted. It started before school began in August and continues today. Unless someone has been in our shoes, they can't fully appreciate where these feelings come from either. I've been looking into changing careers completely...going back to drafting or something else different. The sad thing is, I would miss my kids. But you just get to the point where it's hard to keep going when all you want to do is teach, ya know? Regulations, paperwork, and bureaucracy. That's what makes education such an unattractive field these days. No wonder there are shortages in education. *sigh*

Sorry for continuing to derail this thread.

[bakofoil 27]

Sorry for continuing to derail this thread.

Lol! I totally empathise with you. Maybe we should start a new thread. *Makes Jeraly start a new thread*

[KarenCee 3]

Good idea...seems like there are a lot of us that feel this way.

[Jeraly 4]

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=114917

*end of thread de-railment*

[Ban Hammer 13,337]

Tito's posts went over muh head

guess my ####### detector must be broken today

here it is, all fixed now.