New Life

[tucson_chick 0]

well, at least tito is always here for entertainment.

so the rule for k1 visas is:

the foreign, female fiancee (only girls come to the US on a K1, because only male americans fall in love with their maid) comes to the US. she cannot read, write or speak and she lives in front of the stove. the USC files the AOS paperwork for her, but only if she cooks decent meals and if she gives head often enough. otherways he threatens her to not file for AOS for her. is that what happened to you and your maid, tito?

[tito 1]

You're all making this too easy.

First of all, everything's ironed itself out fine, thanks. I have personal and professional experience that I'm sharing.

The point of view that is being confused for an "agenda" is a perspective based in a practice that deals in exactly these situations. There are many immigrants in situations that they find difficult, and they dump their frustration out on the USC, and in the process, foist all the blame on the USC and look around for sympathy in a captive audience that sometimes involves a handful of participants here. But what about the USC's perspective? Many of these threads deal with immigrants who seem to be having a very difficult time adjusting. Of course, in a strange place with different circumstances, it's easier to make someone else responsible than to accept responsibility for the relationship onesself.

I don't see what the confusion is all about. But if you have not experienced both sides of the issue in a professional context, or have been through the process yourself, or do not have another basis for understanding what happens A LOT in these situations, then you're really not in a position to render judgment. There ARE 2 sides to the story, and in these threads, much of the time, we're only hearing one. Maybe the truth is somewhere in the middle. Yet everyone seems to be quick to jump on the sympathy bandwagon without really knowing what's going on beyond what the poster is writing about. Maybe...just maybe...it's a matter of perception, or a different sort of expectation that the immigrant might have had than the reality of life here. Very simple, really. Life in one place is quite a bit different from life in another place...no matter your mathematical proclivities.

Edited March 2, 2008 by tito

[Ta Ta 1]

Having been on both sides of the fence I belief my experience renders valid advice.

I was an immigrant and was married to my petitioner for 24 years and then divorced him due to his emotional abuse and

cheating.

I am now a USC and petitioning an immigrant.

My advice : Be responsible and accountable for your own choices and actions, look within yourself and change what needs to be changed.

Look deep before you leap when selecting your mate.

Communication, compromise and respect are the essence in any relationship. When your SO has completed the adjustment period, respect his freedom to maneuver his new environment without resenting his new found navigation skills, without feeling compelled to " be needed " at every corner.

Respect his growth. Check yourself for co-dependency issues.

Do you " need to be needed ? " Resent it if he doesn't as much anymore ? See his emerging new confidence as threatening ?

Check yourself, what drives you ?

If the relationship doesn't work out and your foreign SO has wronged you and it can't be fixed then you move on.

Forgive and move on with hope. Life is short. A pancake always has two sides. B)

[Ta Ta 1]

You're all making this too easy.

First of all, everything's ironed itself out fine, thanks. I have personal and professional experience that I'm sharing.

The point of view that is being confused for an "agenda" is a perspective based in a practice that deals in exactly these situations. There are many immigrants in situations that they find difficult, and they dump their frustration out on the USC, and in the process, foist all the blame on the USC and look around for sympathy in a captive audience that sometimes involves a handful of participants here. But what about the USC's perspective? Many of these threads deal with immigrants who seem to be having a very difficult time adjusting. Of course, in a strange place with different circumstances, it's easier to make someone else responsible than to accept responsibility for the relationship onesself.

I don't see what the confusion is all about. But if you have not experienced both sides of the issue in a professional context, or have been through the process yourself, or do not have another basis for understanding what happens A LOT in these situations, then you're really not in a position to render judgment. There ARE 2 sides to the story, and in these threads, much of the time, we're only hearing one. Maybe the truth is somewhere in the middle. Yet everyone seems to be quick to jump on the sympathy bandwagon without really knowing what's going on beyond what the poster is writing about. Maybe...just maybe...it's a matter of perception, or a different sort of expectation that the immigrant might have had than the reality of life here. Very simple, really. Life in one place is quite a bit different from life in another place...no matter your mathematical proclivities.

A valid point that different perspectives and especially expectations can often cause problems. Therefore they must be

expressed and talked about.

Cover every issue that comes to mind.

Another very important fact, if you do not do the homework of what is all involved financially, emotionally, physically,

and understand the risk involved then it is in your best interest to not petition a foreign SO and look within your

own country.

Therein lies your responsibility and accountability. You made a choice and if it doesn't work out you deal with the consequences.

[Perseverance 1]

This is giving me deja vu

We have similar "disagreements" in sub saharan...however I dont find titos posts NEARLY as offensive as some of the others I have read...

The way I now choose to deal with this conflict is to ignore the offender. These posting wars never solve anything...and lead to locked threads...

That is my opinion...

[sj5 4]

how do I prepared my new life? (it depends who you're with) me and hubby get along very well its why we are married.

Thats true!!! The 'BIG' question is.... How many will falter when the real tests of life happen???

is there another real test? I thought I'm done with real test.. then I will answer that real test.

[Ta Ta 1]

Yes, Perseverance, I know what you mean, except our regional " disagreements " were mostly like" happy thread intrusions " no ?

At least here they are contained to the 'effects forum ' and not offensive to me. Some valid points were made. But a constant eroding negativity can bring on discord as we have recently seen in our regional forum.

A more balanced approach may be the answer.

[StillThePrettiest 4]

Tito's posts went over muh head

guess my ####### detector must be broken today

this, however, I got:

But actually it's just that you don't know when you've been called out, beaten, tarred, feathered, and run out of town.

[Jeraly 4]

well, at least tito is always here for entertainment.

so the rule for k1 visas is:

the foreign, female fiancee (only girls come to the US on a K1, because only male americans fall in love with their maid) comes to the US. she cannot read, write or speak and she lives in front of the stove. the USC files the AOS paperwork for her, but only if she cooks decent meals and if she gives head often enough. otherways he threatens her to not file for AOS for her. is that what happened to you and your maid, tito?

I cannot read or write either - glad it is not just me

how do I prepared my new life? (it depends who you're with) me and hubby get along very well its why we are married.

Thats true!!! The 'BIG' question is.... How many will falter when the real tests of life happen???

is there another real test? I thought I'm done with real test.. then I will answer that real test.

Nope - there are real tests but the only way to pass them as a RANUSC is to try and get a negative score to prove your inferiority

Tito's posts went over muh head

guess my ####### detector must be broken today

No StP - it is because you are a RANUSC and therefore unable to comprehend anything that tito's superior mind can create

[StillThePrettiest 4]

[Krikit 1,166]

Oh good Lord, Tito. You not only didn't let this thread die, but you came back with the same thing. I can't believe you are being purposely obtuse, so it must be something else. The reason that "many of these threads deal with immigrants who seem to be having a difficult time adjusting" is because they are the ones who ARE adjusting. "Adjusting" meaning status; changing from one immigration status to another. Hence the "Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits" forum. "But what about the USC's perspective?" you have asked. Well, take a look at the next four threads following this one. They are ALL by USC's. You are conveniently not seeing them because it does not suit your agenda. The OP asked for thoughts and perspectives from both sides (specifically stating both the USC and the SO) on immigration preparation and how to adjust to change. But you jump into the thread and insist that members are only focussed on the immigrant's perspective.

I understand that the work that you do is focussed on the USC's situation and perspective and that it is beneficial to your firm that you buy into the immigrants-are-dumb-@ss-opportunists-who-take-no-responsibility-for-their-own-actions and "just can't understand the stressors and strains" on the almighty American scenario, and that "the USC bears all the risk of the relationship." That's great. It ups the successful litigation count. But don't get so blindsided by your very narrow perspective that you fail to see that there are underlying issues in every relationship which don't necessarily point directly to the "irresponsible" immigrant. Keep that perspective at the office. The real world is very different.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Very nice post, Crikey

Adjustments are made from both sides of the relationship - the immigrant and the USC. While there are certainly less adjustments needed coming from a country like Canada, still there are differences that surprise you when you arrive and take some getting used to. The Canadian and the American 'attitudes' to life are distinctly different and probably based in our different respective origins as countries. From my own perspective, I have an incredible amount of respect and admiration for those individuals moving to the States from countries with very different cultures - that takes a lot of courage and a lot of love - and those are the very same traits that will help make a marriage work as well. Love we can all understand but it takes courage to face the differences, the unknowns, to be vulnerable, to depend on another, to blend your lives together so that they become intermingled - sometimes a difficult thing to do for a person who is used to being independent and on their own - and to do this with a person from a cultural environment different than your own. That works both ways, btw - for the USC and the immigrant spouse.

I don't know if you can plan enough ahead of time. In spite of all of the planning there will be things that take you by surprise - from little personal idiosyncrasies to major challenges caused by unexpected disruptions to your plans. You just have to make the commitment to the other person, give them the benefit of the doubt and try not to sweat the little things.

In our marriage I have found it is the little things that took us more by surprise than the bigger issues that we discussed. Those are the ones that generally you don't discover until you are actually faced with them. So, do as much planning as you can - and then expect that there will be things that you can't plan for, but try to minimize those by really getting to know both yourself and your partner individually - and then together as a couple - before you get married. The process will definitely continue after you are married as well.

(Oh, yeah, I am another one of those dumb immigrants who has done all of the paperwork associated with this process - and the majority of that before we found VJ)

[Jeraly 4]

LMAO :lol:

[Caladan 19]

Bitter....table for one...........

And yet they'll be insisting in other threads that's it's only the poor women who had nothing that are suitable wives for American men.

To the OP:

This section is full of horror stories. People who didn't know each other well, people who got taken advantage of, people who rushed into things. It's very sad. But it's not a risk that every international couple faces, and I'd venture to say that it's not a majority of cases. Most people don't come on to post just "Whee, everything's great! I need no advice!"

Point is, whether some other couple's marriage failed has no bearing on my relationship. So, they filed for a visa like we did. So what? Other couples married at my church, and I don't think that if they break up, my marriage is doomed, even though I likely have more in common with them that I do with people here. Don't borrow trouble; their problems are not yours.

Getting married is a huge adjustment. Immigrating is a huge adjustment both for the immigrant and for the USC. There will be minor annoyances and real tests. This is true of every couple, not just those that had to fill out extra paperwork. But if you know your spouse well and you love them and you're committed to communicating well, you can work through the adjustment.

[TracyTN 237]

Tito's got a one-track mind. He posts only in this forum, and he posts only the one argument. Over and over and over. All the while insisting he doesn't have an agenda. Pretty sure that kind of behavior is the very definition of an agenda, but maybe I've got immigrant-tard syndrome or something.

I think it's closer to the definition of insanity (you know...doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result)?

FWIW, 'immigrant-tard syndrome' literally made me laugh aloud.