New Life

[Mrs.J06 4]

With respect to all these stories about abuses and threats and such? Yeah, there's got to be another side. Many times, perhaps those posting these horror stories are too proud to capitulate and compromise, and expect the USC to be a different way, like they were during the 2 week vacation when they met and decided to be a couple. In my view, and the way I see this, and that's not to say it's the gospel by any means, the immigrant simply cannot comprehend what life is like in the US and the stresses and strains put on the USC...to get the immigration documentation in order, to make all the trips, to pay all the phone bills, to set up all the travel, to get everything in order, to maintain a heavy work load in order to afford another person in the household, to pay the mortgage, to make the car payment, to pay the gas, electricity and water bill, to pay the finance charges for the new appliances, to make sure the immigrant is comfortable enough...there's a LOT on the plate of the USC that, perhaps...just maybe...the immigrant just doesn't understand. Is that abuse? Maybe the USC feels that the failure or inability on the part of the immigrant to grasp the nature of the stresses is ALSO an abuse! And it's that frustration to which the immigrant is not accustomed is, MAYBE, what the immigrant calls "abuse".

All these horror stories about abuse, control, threats, arise out of the perception on the part of the immigrant. Maybe life in the US is just a little too tough for the immigrant, much more so than they might have imagined...

Very true, it was only after I crawled out of my cave, dropped my stone ax and my loincloth and boarded a plane to the US that I figured out how difficult life was for my USC spouse to get me here....

Tito, no offense, but the vast majority of immigrants here have had "normal" lifes such as having a job, having to pay bills, managing money, planning trips etc. even BEFORE we were rescued out of our misery! But you were right, I never had to worry about car payments and finance charges for appliances in my old life, since I'm used to saving money first before spending it, but that's a whole different story...

To the OP: I think no amount of talking and planning can really prepare either party for what is to come after we are together. We have to be patient, understanding and committed to make this work, but as you can see from the many happy couples it can be done and is worth it!

Good luck to you!

[TracyTN 237]

Bitter....table for one...........

[shawna7 4]

With respect to all these stories about abuses and threats and such? Yeah, there's got to be another side. Many times, perhaps those posting these horror stories are too proud to capitulate and compromise, and expect the USC to be a different way, like they were during the 2 week vacation when they met and decided to be a couple. In my view, and the way I see this, and that's not to say it's the gospel by any means, the immigrant simply cannot comprehend what life is like in the US and the stresses and strains put on the USC...to get the immigration documentation in order, to make all the trips, to pay all the phone bills, to set up all the travel, to get everything in order, to maintain a heavy work load in order to afford another person in the household, to pay the mortgage, to make the car payment, to pay the gas, electricity and water bill, to pay the finance charges for the new appliances, to make sure the immigrant is comfortable enough...there's a LOT on the plate of the USC that, perhaps...just maybe...the immigrant just doesn't understand. Is that abuse? Maybe the USC feels that the failure or inability on the part of the immigrant to grasp the nature of the stresses is ALSO an abuse! And it's that frustration to which the immigrant is not accustomed is, MAYBE, what the immigrant calls "abuse".

All these horror stories about abuse, control, threats, arise out of the perception on the part of the immigrant. Maybe life in the US is just a little too tough for the immigrant, much more so than they might have imagined...

Very true, it was only after I crawled out of my cave, dropped my stone ax and my loincloth and boarded a plane to the US that I figured out how difficult life was for my USC spouse to get me here....

Tito, no offense, but the vast majority of immigrants here have had "normal" lifes such as having a job, having to pay bills, managing money, planning trips etc. even BEFORE we were rescued out of our misery! But you were right, I never had to worry about car payments and finance charges for appliances in my old life, since I'm used to saving money first before spending it, but that's a whole different story...

To the OP: I think no amount of talking and planning can really prepare either party for what is to come after we are together. We have to be patient, understanding and committed to make this work, but as you can see from the many happy couples it can be done and is worth it!

Good luck to you!

well said Mrs.J06!!

[Jeraly 4]

Oh I'm only marrying my OH for his credit cards - coming from such a Neanderthal, undeveloped country such as England I have never seen an airplane, owned anything or even seen what real money looks like

For the record I pay for my flights, he pays for his flights. I am more qualified than he is. I have a better credit rating and more money. Just because I am not the USC doesn't mean I am a charity case.

Although I will accept donations

[mox 298]

Oh I'm only marrying my OH for his credit cards - coming from such a Neanderthal, undeveloped country such as England I have never seen an airplane, owned anything or even seen what real money looks like

For the record I pay for my flights, he pays for his flights. I am more qualified than he is. I have a better credit rating and more money. Just because I am not the USC doesn't mean I am a charity case.

Although I will accept donations

Don't try to hide it Aly, I know you only want our green cards!

[Jeraly 4]

Damn I've been caught...

[sj5 4]

Credit cards I can go shopping now!

[sj5 4]

The whole point of this discussion is to have a constructive feedback to help the USCs and their SOs to better understand and prepare themselves for the big changes ahead in life. Just because someone reads 'the disaster stories' does not mean thats what they expect later on. They probably want to eliminate any fear or doubts they have.. The fear of change is true for both the USC and their SO...

I have not been hurt before, nor have I hurt anyone - I certainly don't intend to start with my marriage and I know for certain my fiance doesn't either... However there are times when things can go wrong and 2 people living together can get frustrated with...ummmm... the everyday monotony, cultural differences, communication gap (whatever we may call it). How would you cope with it or getting back to the topic - prepare for your new life???

how do I prepared my new life? (it depends who you're with) me and hubby get along very well its why we are married.

[DanielParul 50]

I *know* we will fight and I *know* I will find it hard to adjust but I also *know* that I am making the right decision in moving. I also know that at the end of the day we can always move back to the UK together. We have known each other almost 7 years and have been a couple for 2 1/2 years - we have fought through so much to get this far that I know we can work through any problems we come across

In terms of the cases you read in this forum, I have no fear of that from Jeremy. Some may call me naive but I call it trust - I am sure many of the people who have posted horror stories here felt the same way I do which is what makes it so sad

I trust Daniel more than I would trust myself. He is the more mature one of the two of us... All the fights and the arguments we have just makes us a very "NORMAL" couple

I am totally prepared for the change and so is he - everything that most of us go through being apart from the ones we love and the amount of effort we all put into our relationships, just makes us so much stronger to face any challenges in the future too. haven't we already seen the worst in each other It can only get better from here...

Thats why the horror stories make me wonder - how strong was the foundation and how sincere is the effort put into making it work???

Oh I'm only marrying my OH for his credit cards - coming from such a Neanderthal, undeveloped country such as England I have never seen an airplane, owned anything or even seen what real money looks like

For the record I pay for my flights, he pays for his flights. I am more qualified than he is. I have a better credit rating and more money. Just because I am not the USC doesn't mean I am a charity case.

Although I will accept donations

Don't try to hide it Aly, I know you only want our green cards!

Oh!! aren't we all....

[DanielParul 50]

how do I prepared my new life? (it depends who you're with) me and hubby get along very well its why we are married.

Thats true!!! The 'BIG' question is.... How many will falter when the real tests of life happen???

[dbears 1]

In my view, and the way I see this, and that's not to say it's the gospel by any means, the immigrant simply cannot comprehend what life is like in the US and the stresses and strains put on the USC.........there's a LOT on the plate of the USC that, perhaps...just maybe...the immigrant just doesn't understand. Is that abuse? Maybe the USC feels that the failure or inability on the part of the immigrant to grasp the nature of the stresses is ALSO an abuse! And it's that frustration to which the immigrant is not accustomed is, MAYBE, what the immigrant calls "abuse".

All these horror stories about abuse, control, threats, arise out of the perception on the part of the immigrant. Maybe life in the US is just a little too tough for the immigrant, much more so than they might have imagined...

Poor USC, always the victim by the super ignorant immigrant spouse. Perhaps all immigrants have IQ below zero that is why they can't understand that when the USC brutally beats their immigrant spouses with every object imaginable, verbally humiliate them, forced them to perform sexually degrading acts at gunpoint, etc., those acts were just ways in which USC release their stress & frustrations. it should never be considered abuse at all and they should just bear it all without complaining.

It is always the immigrant who is at fault, after all, there has never been any case of an immigrant going home inside a coffin or of any immigrant being insured and then murdered by USC, there has never been any USC abuser in the history at all. All those reported were just product of the wild imagination of news reporters and all those people who have witnessed and reported such cases first hand.

These immigrants are the only ones who gain in the marital union between USC and foreign spouse. Of course all foreign fiancee/fiance or spouses are simply worthless because they are all mental retards......

wait, I am also a foreign fiancee/would be foreign spouse . i better hurry and inform my USC fiance that i am a mental retard and won't be able to comprehend anything not even paying utility bills... excuse me, would somebody explain to me what electricity is? is that something you use for brushing your teeth? well, at least i am proud to say that I know where to send car payment, at the USCIS of course

[tito 1]

Well, nice to see a few cases in point...ridiculing something about which not much is really comprehended. Of course, much depends on the sophistication of the immigrant and their background and experience. But...if you really cannot comprehend the nature and scope of the pressures and dynamics involved, how can you really comment on the issue I am raising in the first place? Obviously, it goes right over your head!

Where are there examples of immigrants going home in coffins, acts taken at gunpoint, and the like? I guess life overseas must present very, very significant drama, and there seems to be expectations that lead to warnings that lead to someone coming to such conclusions! Therein lies another problem, I suppose.

Again - what might be perceived as one thing by an immigrant based on their particular view of the world isn't always the truth of the matter. There happen to be thread after thread by various immigrants from all over the place about coming to the US to face life with a monster. I'm saying that the incidence of monsters is awfully high, and that there might be another side to the story leading to the perceptions. Perhaps...JUST MAYBE...there is some responsibility on the part of the immigrant the nature of which is something that the immigrant simply cannot fully comprehend. It takes time and commitment and dedication on the part of both parties to live within the parameters of a difficult situation to begin with. To those of you who can and do make the adjustment and have the commitment, there is absolutely no need to take everything so personally. To others coming on here crying 'foul' in every thread, maybe there's another explanation and perhaps this other point of view about the circumstances of these threads is something to consider. Things aren't always what they seem.

[Jeraly 4]

...would somebody explain to me what electricity is? is that something you use for brushing your teeth?

No no no - you have it all wrong - electricity is used to brush your hair not your teeth

For the record (as I believe some individuals would like to address background for some reason) I am a qualified teacher who lives in a $500k house, have a good education and have been brought up well. The children I teach will all know and learn that electricity is used to brush hair not teeth and my life will be fulfilling and joyous

[dbears 1]

How do we prepare ourselves and how much is too little or too much preparation??

Too little or too much would depend on individual involved. As Mrs.JO6 said "...no amount of talking and planning can really prepare either party for what is to come after we are together. We have to be patient, understanding and committed to make this work, but as you can see from the many happy couples it can be done and is worth it!"

In our case, we have been using premarriage questions from marriage counseling sites and from premarriage counseling workbooks then work our way through those questions and activities when we chat. We have also been consulting trusted ministers and also asking advice from couples who we respect and admire... of course we do it separately since we live half way across the globe. We just report to each other all those grains of wisdom we received from our talks with ministers and the happily married couples.

I am just priviledged that the wife of the youth pastor here in our place is an american woman (the youth pastor is filipino) so they are at least familiar with the struggles of cultural differences and other issues specific to inter-cultural marriage. I have gained a lot from their wisdom and have been inspired by their love story and from the way they live and treasure each other all through the years. (they've been married 15years, have 3 kids but still go out for a periodic weekend gateaway, just the two of them, they still give gifts to each other and they pray together)

Me and my SO's daughter and also his mom email each other and talk about my SO, his strengths and weaknesses, and also the things that i should look forward to and be wary of when i finally go there. His mom is a great source of unbiased info about her son

I know all this things will never truly prepare us for the life that awaits us. We know we will fight and as early as now we have agreed to fight fairly and also to agree to disagree (We have agreed on a specific signal that one needs a time out). All our talks and preparations may fail but we both know that we can always pray and ask God to take center stage in our life together, we have agreed on that one also and I think that will be our best defense.

Thats why the horror stories make me wonder - how strong was the foundation and how sincere is the effort put into making it work???

It makes me wonder too...

how do I prepared my new life? (it depends who you're with) me and hubby get along very well its why we are married.

Thats true!!! The 'BIG' question is.... How many will falter when the real tests of life happen???

I wish we really know... even in our own relationship, we will only know how strong our love and our bond will be when we will face life's trials later. We can never see into the future but we can always pray for God's guidance and wisdom.

I wish you success for your coming interview and I pray happiness and contentment will follow you in your marriage life.

[dbears 1]

...would somebody explain to me what electricity is? is that something you use for brushing your teeth?

No no no - you have it all wrong - electricity is used to brush your hair not your teeth

For the record (as I believe some individuals would like to address background for some reason) I am a qualified teacher who lives in a $500k house, have a good education and have been brought up well. The children I teach will all know and learn that electricity is used to brush hair not teeth and my life will be fulfilling and joyous

WHAT???? It is for hair not for teeth? now i know why my teeth is still cavity filled. Pls do forgive my ignorance, after all I am a mental retard whose life present a very very significant drama .