Vietnames Culture - ALL VN please help

[b_weeks 6]

I have filed for K! visa for my fiance who is Vietnamese and 2 months pregnant. She is from the south, Kien Giang province to be exact.

She is the oldest child in the family (25), and both of her parents are 42. Her parents are giving her a very hard time because she went out with a girlfriend last night to a cafe to speak about their situations. Both of them currently without their significant other and missing them dearly. She asked me before if she could go out with her girlfriend and I said yes. She was out with her girlfriend for about 1 hour.

Upon her return home, her parents gave her a very hard time about not staying home because they consider her married. This has made her very sad. When she is sad, she I have no problem with her going to spend time with her friends, as she only has a limited time left to spend with them.

How do I get her parents to back off and not give her such a hard time?

How do I get my Em to be more understanding with her parents?

How can I help resolve this, now that I have the role of Anh Hai, without alienating her parents?

[Mia Sav 1]

I have filed for K! visa for my fiance who is Vietnamese and 2 months pregnant. She is from the south, Kien Giang province to be exact.

She is the oldest child in the family (25), and both of her parents are 42. Her parents are giving her a very hard time because she went out with a girlfriend last night to a cafe to speak about their situations. Both of them currently without their significant other and missing them dearly. She asked me before if she could go out with her girlfriend and I said yes. She was out with her girlfriend for about 1 hour.

Upon her return home, her parents gave her a very hard time about not staying home because they consider her married. This has made her very sad. When she is sad, she I have no problem with her going to spend time with her friends, as she only has a limited time left to spend with them.

How do I get her parents to back off and not give her such a hard time?

How do I get my Em to be more understanding with her parents?

How can I help resolve this, now that I have the role of Anh Hai, without alienating her parents?

I'm a Filipina and I could relate what your wife has gone thru with her parents. My parents are strict too when it comes to going out especially that I am getting married soon. I guess her parents are still overly protective of their daughter and stressing the fact that she's already taken & considering the fact that she is pregnant, she should stay at home. Talk to your fiancee and brainstorm with her on how to solve this problem. She can give you a better idea on the customs & traditions of her country regarding married women & freedom to go out anytime she chooses. Maybe her parents are just too strong about traditions. You can talk to them if you need to after consulting this with your fiancee. Goodluck to both of you. I hope things will get better for her.

[b_weeks 6]

I can understand her parents concern. But I also understand my fiance. She feels trapped in the house.

I fully trust my fiance. I know she would never do anything to put herself or our unborn child at risk.

I just feel her parents are over-reacting.

[Teacher Mark 53]

I would let them know that you don't have a problem with her seeing her frinds occasionally and then leave it alone. The problem will resolve itself!

[PeterFB 0]

A lot of this depends on how well you know her parents. Do you talk to them? Are her parents and you comfortable with each other?

She is the oldest and therefore a role model for the other children. IF her parents are as conservative as you make them sound, there may be more at play here than what the parents say upsets them. Asking the parents for their views may lead to discovering what other issues there are that are really upsetting them.

Talk to the parents from their point of view, not yours. Their wanting to keep her home may be just culture based or a feeling of losing their daughter. Ask them how they are feeling, don't tell them they have to accept your and your fiancee's decisions. Listening to the parents may make them see she's not being disrespectful of them just she is missing you and wants to share her feelings with someone else who is going thru the same experience.

Tell your fiance that she needs to understand that her parents know she's leaving the family. The first one to leave can be the hardest one for the parents to accept and adjust to.

If you can get everyone to understand and accept the other's feeling about this, I'm sure everyone can agree on a workable solution. Perhaps having a family member go with your fiancee or having the friend come over to the parents house.

I have found listening and finding common ground without getting upset or angry works very well in both the US and Vietnamese cultures whenever disagreements arise.

Peter and Thi

I-129F Sent : 2007-05-26

I-129F NOA1 : 2007-06-11

I-129F RFE(s) :

RFE Reply(s) :

I-129F NOA2 : 2007-10-26

Touched: 2007-11-02

NVC Recieved: 2007-11-16

Consulate recieved ??????

Packet 3 sent 2007-12-11

Packet 3 received 2007-12-24

Packet 3 returned 2007-12-28

Packet 4 sent 2008-1-14

Email Reply with Interview Date 2008-1-23

Interview Date 2008-2-27

[Mia Sav 1]

A lot of this depends on how well you know her parents. Do you talk to them? Are her parents and you comfortable with each other?

She is the oldest and therefore a role model for the other children. IF her parents are as conservative as you make them sound, there may be more at play here than what the parents say upsets them. Asking the parents for their views may lead to discovering what other issues there are that are really upsetting them.

Talk to the parents from their point of view, not yours. Their wanting to keep her home may be just culture based or a feeling of losing their daughter. Ask them how they are feeling, don't tell them they have to accept your and your fiancee's decisions. Listening to the parents may make them see she's not being disrespectful of them just she is missing you and wants to share her feelings with someone else who is going thru the same experience.

Tell your fiance that she needs to understand that her parents know she's leaving the family. The first one to leave can be the hardest one for the parents to accept and adjust to.

If you can get everyone to understand and accept the other's feeling about this, I'm sure everyone can agree on a workable solution. Perhaps having a family member go with your fiancee or having the friend come over to the parents house.

I have found listening and finding common ground without getting upset or angry works very well in both the US and Vietnamese cultures whenever disagreements arise.

Peter and Thi

I-129F Sent : 2007-05-26

I-129F NOA1 : 2007-06-11

I-129F RFE(s) :

RFE Reply(s) :

I-129F NOA2 : 2007-10-26

Touched: 2007-11-02

NVC Recieved: 2007-11-16

Consulate recieved ??????

Packet 3 sent 2007-12-11

Packet 3 received 2007-12-24

Packet 3 returned 2007-12-28

Packet 4 sent 2008-1-14

Email Reply with Interview Date 2008-1-23

Interview Date 2008-2-27

Very insightful piece of advice! I totally agree with PeterFB

[Teacher Mark 53]

A lot of this depends on how well you know her parents. Do you talk to them? Are her parents and you comfortable with each other?

She is the oldest and therefore a role model for the other children. IF her parents are as conservative as you make them sound, there may be more at play here than what the parents say upsets them. Asking the parents for their views may lead to discovering what other issues there are that are really upsetting them.

Talk to the parents from their point of view, not yours. Their wanting to keep her home may be just culture based or a feeling of losing their daughter. Ask them how they are feeling, don't tell them they have to accept your and your fiancee's decisions. Listening to the parents may make them see she's not being disrespectful of them just she is missing you and wants to share her feelings with someone else who is going thru the same experience.

Tell your fiance that she needs to understand that her parents know she's leaving the family. The first one to leave can be the hardest one for the parents to accept and adjust to.

If you can get everyone to understand and accept the other's feeling about this, I'm sure everyone can agree on a workable solution. Perhaps having a family member go with your fiancee or having the friend come over to the parents house.

I have found listening and finding common ground without getting upset or angry works very well in both the US and Vietnamese cultures whenever disagreements arise.

Peter and Thi

I-129F Sent : 2007-05-26

I-129F NOA1 : 2007-06-11

I-129F RFE(s) :

RFE Reply(s) :

I-129F NOA2 : 2007-10-26

Touched: 2007-11-02

NVC Recieved: 2007-11-16

Consulate recieved ??????

Packet 3 sent 2007-12-11

Packet 3 received 2007-12-24

Packet 3 returned 2007-12-28

Packet 4 sent 2008-1-14

Email Reply with Interview Date 2008-1-23

Interview Date 2008-2-27

Good, practical advice Peter! In retrospect, my was a little Pollyanna ish!

[Tom99 0]

Yes, in those area, once the girl is engaged, not even married, they are consider "married" and not to have any kind of contact with guy friend, or hang out with friends at night past 9 PM, and stay strictly home (curfew) fyi, in the countryside, they go to bed very early, some areas, only 7 or 8 PM(!)

It's part of the countryside gossip that her parents have to deal with and probably her parents were raised like that ..... your wife should understand her folks and not to go out at night after curfew time to have her parents deal with gossip on the countryside(!)

In big city like Saigon, some families still have to deal with these issues, but they are more open-minded

[b_weeks 6]

Thanks everyone for the advisement.

I will try to speak to her parents. although she is the oldest, she is not the first to leave the house. She has a 22 year old sister already married to an american, living in the US.

As far as them living in the country, Rach Gia is far from living in the country. Rach Gia is the largest city in the far south next to Can Tho.

Her parents are very accepting of me and love me very much. Her family usually goes to sleep between 10 and 12, so it's not a time issue.

Again, I will try to talk to her parents

[PeterFB 0]

Thanks everyone for the advisement.

I will try to speak to her parents. although she is the oldest, she is not the first to leave the house. She has a 22 year old sister already married to an american, living in the US.

As far as them living in the country, Rach Gia is far from living in the country. Rach Gia is the largest city in the far south next to Can Tho.

Her parents are very accepting of me and love me very much. Her family usually goes to sleep between 10 and 12, so it's not a time issue.

Again, I will try to talk to her parents

I'm sure you'll say the right things and get everyone to understand each other. Then everything will work out. Problems like this can bring everyone closer when handled correctly.

We wish you our best!

Peter and Thi

I-129F Sent : 2007-05-26

I-129F NOA1 : 2007-06-11

I-129F RFE(s) :

RFE Reply(s) :

I-129F NOA2 : 2007-10-26

Touched: 2007-11-02

NVC Recieved: 2007-11-16

Consulate recieved ??????

Packet 3 sent 2007-12-11

Packet 3 received 2007-12-24

Packet 3 returned 2007-12-28

Packet 4 sent 2008-1-14

Email Reply with Interview Date 2008-1-23

Interview Date 2008-2-27

[Melrose Plant 1]

Yes, Mai's mom doesn't like her to stay out too late either, and the woman is 38 years old! I actually wish she would spend some time with her girlfriends before she has to leave, but she likes to come home early. She says it has nothing to do with mom, but I am not 100% sure about that. We only have 15-20 minutes to talk every day (my coffee break in the mornings), and I guess she doesn't want to miss that. Can't fault her for that.

[Melrose Plant 1]

How do I get my Em to be more understanding with her parents?

I think you mean "em yêu." I know each couple has their own way of calling each other, but to my mind, you have just called your wife "younger brother or sister." Yes, I know you would say, "Anh yêu em rất nhiều," and that is very romantic, but if you are calling her from the other side of the house, you would not say, "em ơi!" as you would to a younger waiter or waitress, you would say, "em yêu ơi!"

My wife is always interested in teaching me the softest and sweetest way of putting things, and this is direct from her. She said to me, "that is very funny anh yêu."

[patricks 0]

My personal expereince:

Usually, western logic doesn't apply in VN, especially in inner family dealings.

If I were you, I would express my concern to her parents "Khong Sao Dau", then I would let them figure it out: It's their culture, It's their family values, let them handle it, everyone will be OK (but, sometimes it's not a pretty picture from the westerner's perspective)

Welcome to VN! pick and choose your battles wisely ........i say that with a sense of humor.....

[Tony&Tram 0]

My personal expereince:

Usually, western logic doesn't apply in VN, especially in inner family dealings.

If I were you, I would express my concern to her parents "Khong Sao Dau", then I would let them figure it out: It's their culture, It's their family values, let them handle it, everyone will be OK (but, sometimes it's not a pretty picture from the westerner's perspective)

Welcome to VN! pick and choose your battles wisely ........i say that with a sense of humor.....

I think it's a face issue. Vietnamese hold the concept of face highly. It sucks that her parents are strict but you saying you don't mind isn't going to change anything until she is in your custody. They are obligated to watch out for her until she is your family's home. Not doing so would make them lose face. Then again if she goes a little wild when she lives with you they will probably still feel a loss of face being as they raised her. My advice is to try and comfort your wife with the fact that she will be with you soon. I would think if they are that strict, having someone of a younger generation try to tell them how to do things would just make them dig their heels in more.

[chuckandkim 0]

Good and sound advices are being given here on this thread!

Agree with Peter and Tony! I say: leave it alone! Don't make waves, she's only there with her parents for a few more months. If you think by saying whatever you're going to say to her parents will make you the man in front of your father in law, stop! Just let it go, she's 25, not 35, let her deal with it. BTW, her parents are young too! They had her when they were 17???? Anyhow, just let it go! Focus on the big picture now, try to bring her here!