Loving the African male * Take 2

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

I don't know what I think about the invisible wife. I find that my soon to be mother in law was often invisible to me, but primarily because I hung out with the men. I don't think that the women are invisible per se, it seemed more like there were separations. The men ate together, the children ate together and the women ate together. When I went to a weddding with Bassi, the women celebrated separately from the men for almost the entire thing. The women watched the football matches together and men together. Most of the men can speak english, so that's why I spent more time with them because many of the women couldn't speak english and I don't speak much hausa, really only pleasantries. I think that the sexes are more intermingled here in the states and Bassi may have to adjust more to that. I don't think it will be quite as difficult for him though because he and I were close friends for over a year before the nature of our relationship changed. So, he's more open to the idea of male/female relationships being less defined by their marital connection. It still surprises him though if I say go out to lunch with a male friend alone, he thinks it must be considered a date by the male and I'm just naive. But he's learning to keep his jealousy under control.

Edited March 7, 2008 by Bassi and Zainab

[Ta Ta 1]

We have an agreement that any interaction with the opposite sex per mail or in person would be talked about and I have asked

" permission " before to ask my fiance if it is ok with him that I go with my male friend whom he has talked with before to get a bite to eat.

He feels more in control that way and appreciates my consideration.

It was not demanded but freely offered.

My 3 male friends have been introduced per email/ chat to him and the phone and he knows these people and is looking forward

for all of us to interact together.

This worked very well for me.

I don't like to even be seen with anyone of the opposite sex to avoid town talk so this does not happen very often and a lot of people

know my situation.

[Zee Bee 61]

I remember at the beginning I told him that most of my friends were male and he was fine with that. I even told him that I do hug them and he was fine with that. He has no problems that I talk to them because I consider them my brothers. A lot of them have told me that they need to "approve" of Inusah once he gets here. He knows who my friends are because of facebook (he can go into my profile). He has read what they have said to me and he is friends with my Ghanaian male friends.

One thing though is the going out to eat thing or hanging out one-on-one. He does not think that it is appropriate for me to go out to lunch/dinner with a male friend alone. I think for him it is more about him knowing who it is vs. not wanting me to have any contact with them. I was living with my sister for a few months before moving to Philly and since I was not doing anything I would make lunch so that one of my Ghanaian friends could come over since he worked near my house. When I told my fiance about that he grilled me, asking who he was, if there was anyone else there. I explained that I have known this guy for years and he was like a big brother to me. My mom and his mom are friends, blah blah and it was not enough. Inusah told me that he didn't want me to hang out with my friend, but if I wanted to hang out with this guy I should just not tell him. So I didn't. And then, right before I went to Ghana, my friend, who had gone to Ghana, went and met up with Inusah and they hit it off. They took pictures, went out together, and all that stuff. Lets just say I got my apology Inusah has no issues with my friend now or any of my other male friends that he has had contact with. I think he trusts my judgement now

[Ta Ta 1]

Yes, trust both ways is important and mutual respect in an atmosphere of complete transparency.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

What would you do or how would you respond if he insisted that you not spend time with your male friends? Would you feel the need to comply?

[Zee Bee 61]

What would you do or how would you respond if he insisted that you not spend time with your male friends? Would you feel the need to comply?

Unless he has proof that my friends are serial killers I don't think I would be told not to spend time with them. I can understand his reservations about me spending alone time with them, especially after we are married, but if his reason is "because I don't like them" or its just jealousy, I couldn't justify cutting off ties with them. I think there would have to be some compromises made on both sides.

[Ta Ta 1]

What would you do or how would you respond if he insisted that you not spend time with your male friends? Would you feel the need to comply?

Yes, I would out of respect for his cultural upbringing compromise on this issue and comply. I would continue to encourage an open dialog and communicate with him to be open to all of us being together but yes, I would definitely give up time alone with my

male friends and put my man's wishes above time with them. I have told my male friends that in order to spend time when he is here we will ALL go out together.

I feel compromising on specific issues does not always mean to meet halfway but to sometimes change and

abandon a life style and also ask for him to change some of his own ways and then on other issues meet halfway.

that would depend on each matter itself. I have to pick my battles, things that are important to me and where I won't budge

have been discussed. I don't go clubbing or drinking and neither does he so we are on an even keel with the basic entertainment

and friend issues.

He has always told me to to make up my own mind and he is not demanding anything but out of love for him and wanting his

happiness I would prefer his peace of mind and comfort over a dinner with a male friend.

But we have no issues wth that anyway so it does not apply to me, just answering what I would do if he had a problem with it.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

I've been thinking of that a bit and wondering how I would handle it. Bassi ALWAYS questions my relationships with other men. Usually, who's that? Did I meet him? That kind of thing. For some reason he thinks the whole world wants to be with me. I suppose I should be flattered. Anywhoo.....I usually just let him meet my male friends. He's gotten along with all of them thus far. I wonder if he feels uncomfortable with one of them and wants me to stop spending time alone with them or spending any time with them, how I would feel. I might try to broker a relationship between the two, but in the end, I think I might end the relationship out of a committment to my husband. I think about times when I feel that a woman just makes me very uncomfortable and I don't like Bassi being close to her. Often, he looks at my face and says what happened? I say, she makes me feel funny, I don't know. He doesn't hesitate to say, okay, let's go. Then I feel guilty. But sometimes it's best to go with your gut, you know what I mean?

[Ta Ta 1]

Any other comments before we go to the next chapter ?

LL are you reading and catching up ? Where are you ?

[JJWashington 0]

I definitely agree that the atmosphere must be total transparency. In today's world that is not very popular thinking, but it is vital to trust. I agree that the sexes are much more intermingled in the US than they are in Africa. My husband has not had an issue with this to date. I believe it is because the Nigerian friends he has made include their wives in after-dinner conversations. My husband has commented that he has had to adjust to the place of women here in the US as opposed to a woman's place in Nigeria. But, as I say, he has adjusted well.

I also would give up alone time with my male friends if he wanted/needed me to. I have young children, so pretty much spend most of my free time at kid activities. But, this would be a non-issue for me because my marriage is so much more important than friends.

My husband is jealous also!

[Perseverance 1]

husband jealous as well....

Anyone think the sex stuff sounds like he is giving is African Brothers a leg up in the sex dept??? Come on... really... sex on the first date to be expected??

I have actually found the book pretty helpful and his stories about himself are priceless. It gives a glimpse into a point of view that we would normaly not be privy too.

I find myself re-reading and looking at our situation past and present and noticing things and coming to conclusions that I dont think I would have figured out without the book.

Perhaps his girlfriend should write a book and give us HER insights LOL

I dont think my husband is fond of the book....refers to it as "THAT BOOK"

[JJWashington 0]

My husband is not fond of the book either - he calls the author "the great Nigerian God who knows it all".... its quite humorous.

[Zee Bee 61]

Hmm....I wonder why? Because there is truth in what he says ?

[stevi1123 0]

Well, from past experience, we have observed that this book is just not appealing to everyone. I liked it, but to each his own.....Hey sister of mine, can I please have my book back? You know who you are!

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Bassi doesn't care about the book. I bring up subjects from the book to discuss with him. Sometimes he laughs other times he says, that's a good thing to talk about. I would never have thought of that. And we have pretty long discussions coming to our own agreements/conclusions. I read a lot of things in the book and look at how the differences were handled. Sex on the first date is against Bassi and my religious beliefs. So, not really an issue. But I think our society in general has sex very very very early on in relationships, forget waiting until marraige, they often don't even know each other's last names before they get in bed. But that's my opinion and my fiance's as well. When we were talking, he mentioned to me how some of the people in his neighborhood have children out of wedlock. When he was coming up, that was virtually unheard of....people were much more pious and it surprises him to see it so accepted now. They aren't even ostracized. The author of this book definitely describes a different lifestyle than my fiance or I live, but the issues that arise have still been valid for discussion with my SO.