Loving the African male * Take 2

[JJWashington 0]

Just as an insert here, I may not be able to participate in the discussions because I never received my book nor a refund from that company in NY. I am none too happy at this moment with them. Tried to get the money back and it is a difficult task too.

I had to do a "dispute" with PayPal and the next day, I received my refund from C and B. I received my book from Amazon.

[Zee Bee 61]

Communication (pgs 9-11): I think we have had a running discussion about this whole communication issue. My SO is getting better at telling me what is going on and telling me what is going on with him. Just basic communication and learning that "Tell me what is wrong" goes both ways. If I am going to be telling you stuff you had better be telling me too, or its going to be a nice, long, quiet life together.

Even so, I think the comment about power/equality and what is expected in African cultures got em thinking about the power struggle that may be present in any relationship. I am not a very loud person, I tend to be more of a listener, going along with the flow and generally open to anything. I am an introvert But I remember the first time that my SO and I had a disagreement, I made my points, I countered his position, I challenged what he was saying and he didn't say anything. The next day when we talked he told me that he never thought I could be so confrontational. I reminded him that I am not a robot. That my vocabulary does not only consist of "Yes sir, no sir, whatever you say sir". Just because I am quiet and not really opposed to anything does not mean that I cannot think for myself and it does not mean that I am a push over. On the other hand, the fact that he gets really quiet when we disagree makes me even more furious and then I get even madder and the whole thing just gets blown out of proportion.

I am learning to give him his space when he needs it. He is learning that my passiveness (I think that is the right word) does not mean that he can dictate what I do. I told him "I do not mind doing things for you but only if you ask. None of this "Do this, do that" because I won't, even if I normally wouldn't mind doing it".

We're both learning.

Affection (pgs 14-16): So true on so many levels, even today. I think the only reason my parents hug us is because they have lived in the US. When I go home, it is somewhat of a foreign concept for my cousins to see me hug my dad or kiss my mom. I do think that it is more common in the cities, maybe because they are exposed to more Western culture there.

The spanking. My parents never spanked my sisters and I, we were either really good kids or parents did not feel that it was necessary. I do remember the first time I saw my dad discipline one of my cousins that was living in our house. That was an eye opener. I guess discipline works in different ways. All my dad had to do was give my sisters and I a look and that would stop any kind of unruly behavior that was going on. On the other hand, in Ghana, you hear stories of the kids being whipped at school and that is everyday fare. So it really didn't bother me, I just figured that was how it was back home. And I will say that I have used the threat myself to halt undesirable behavior .

[Ta Ta 1]

I had to chuckle on the ' or it's going to be a nice, quiet life together ' part.

[Ta Ta 1]

Please, anyone wanting to order the book or has problems call this number or leave a message 213 622 6553

or email info@coalcityentertainment.

If you encounter problems with these contacts please let me know.

[chispas 0]

Just as an insert here, I may not be able to participate in the discussions because I never received my book nor a refund from that company in NY. I am none too happy at this moment with them. Tried to get the money back and it is a difficult task too.

I had to do a "dispute" with PayPal and the next day, I received my refund from C and B. I received my book from Amazon.

goin the paypal rout. Thanks

[JJWashington 0]

Good Luck!

[Zee Bee 61]

[Ta Ta 1]

Who is ready to move on to chapter two and who needs more time ?

[Zee Bee 61]

I finished the book today

[Ta Ta 1]

I will wait to see what the majority wants to do, wait or proceed

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Oops! I guess I've been missing in action. I've really only read the introduction. I'll read chapters one and two today. Problem is, I'm in the middle of another one of my amish books and there is someone targetting this amish family in Howe County and it's got me on the edge of my seat. So the African Male was put on the back burner until I figure out what's going on. I think it's probably about land development. I'll let ya'll know what happens. (whether you want to know or not )

[LovinLiberia 0]

I'm done with the introduction, as well. I have yet to start on chapter 1. I will do that tonight so I can participate in the discussion.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

I've read the Intro and the section on dating which was interesting but didn't apply as directly to my life because we didn't really date. Bassi and I were good friends and then it blossomed into more. He moved on before I did, but we ended up in the same place so it's alright.

I talk with Bassi to get his perspective on some of the things that the author experienced. It's really interesting. I do think that the fact that we are more "global" now and that the men we are in relationships with aren't transplanted and then searching for a relationship but rather transplanted because of the relationship has an effect on how they experience things. It's sort of like they are more prepared for the unexpected. THey are almost looking for it. For example, the example of the argument caused when the woman asked her husband to wash the dishes in front of his friends. I don't personally find that to be the reaction of the "african male". I think there are plenty of men in many cultures who would feel embarrassed if their wife did that. But on the same note, I believe there are many women who would be embarrassed if their man did the same thing to them. I think it's something in general to avoid, but maybe I'm more prideful than most.

We have talked before about the importance of explaining money and economics american style. I think that's most important. Bassi does everything cash, and I've tried to explain mortgages and credit cards and people's lifestyles here in the states. I tried to explain how people work and are broke even though they make good salaries. He thought it was foolish. But at either rate, he'll understand it better when he gets here. We have agreed to live on cash. I have a mortgage on my house, but other than that, no using credit cards or buying things on credit. Since I've started moving in that direction anyway, it was a good idea for us to do that when we become a family.

Gifts: I haven't talked to Bassi about this. Bassi has given me gifts. It was when he was first trying to change the nature of our relationship. I was surprised and so happy, and I think he was so happy at my reaction as well. Since then, he sends me notes, letters, cards, text messages, shows that he's thinking about me. He's sent me a prayer book and things like that. I think that he doesn't give formal gifts. But I know he's thinking about me when out of the blue he'll say he found a pair of sandals like the ones I broke that I loved so much. I appreciate that really more than holiday gifts or anniversary (even the made up ones like our first kiss) gifts. I appreciate a man who brings home my brand of body lotion because he saw it on sale. That means I'm always on his mind. Bassi does this for me.

Restaurants: I have to say when I went to Ghana, I ordered like a typical american. I know that I often changed things on the menu or asked for things that weren't on the menu but easy to put together cause I knew they had the ingredients from something else. It was funny to watch people's reactions because I look like a ghanaian and so they don't really know I'm not until I open my mouth. Bassi often ordered for me, but sometimes I'd ask the waiter to put dressing on the side or make me a certain kind of salad and bring beef stew in a bowl. They always complied.......cause I was a foreigner. I add that because I was sick and wanted a sandwich from Frankies. Bassi and his cousin went all the way to Osu to get this sandwich, which I had ordered there before. They wouldn't make the sandwich and told them it's not on the menu. They called me and finally I got on the phone with the manager and said, you always make me my sandwich just they way I like and listed out my instructions and he said, Oh, they didn't say it was YOU! My friend Steven told Bassi that I'm high maintenance and he'd better be prepared. Bassi didn't understand and Steven laughed and said you're in big trouble my friend. He and Steve have become friends now and they always joke about how Bassi got suckered into falling in love with me before he found out how much work I could be. The men in my life!

[typee0 0]

Hello All,

I hope everyone is well. I received the book last week. Completed it by the weekend. It was interesting. I am glad to say after speaking with Carol on the phone, she looked up the order and explained it was out of the system. I explained I did not want to have to wait forever because it had been a month. She said she would try and get it soon if it would be too long she would refund the money. It was less than a week and the book arrived.

Again, the book was insightful in some areas. I feel it will be more helpful for my fiance to read it to get a better feel of things here instead. Since He is the one coming into the states. And to get better insight into the way things are done or expected.

Health and Wellness Always!!!!

[Ta Ta 1]

Moving on to Chapter 1 The invisible wives pages 19 - 32.

The author was obviously raised with very traditional gender roles.

Interesting to point out that the possibility of a more balanced gender mix interaction was never really explored or even missed.

I do applaud the African culture on their warm family care for their elders who would never be pushed aside into a nursing home and

no one would be turned away who is in need. Though lets not forget the people who have been shunned for various disease or conditions and

have been send away from the village.

I am discussing the situation with my own mother at this time with my SO and that I have no choice but to place her in a home or find a longterm

caretaker in her own home in Germany.

He came up with an idea to have a friends relative who lives there take on that role. I am currently looking into this.

Please go ahead and discuss this chapter, my mind at the moment is so focused on the things at hand with my mom and my upcoming

trip to Dakar for the interview.