Axe..body spray

[almaty 19]

There is a simple reason why you should never wear bodyspray, and why you should discontinue any friendships with those who do wear bodyspray: Bodyspray makes you smell like poop.

Putting it on is like gargling with formaldehyde. You smell like the armpit of a corpse – rotting meat all covered in bacteria and poisonous chemicals.

You need proof? Don’t believe me? I was at the library the other day when a good friend of mine passed by and sat down next to me. He smelled bad.

“Jesus, man. Are you wearing some kind of bodyspray?”

“No, I was just talking to some guy who thought bodyspray was a proper substitute for bathing.”

“Really? It smells like you poured it all over yourself.”

“No kidding? That’s weird because I talked to this guy like an hour ago. You’d think the smell would be gone by now.”

My friend had to get going, but he forgot to take the smell with him. A half hour later, another friend of mine, a lady, sat down at the same table, on the opposite side of where my first friend had sat.

“Jesus, Tristan. You smell like poop. You’re not wearing some of that bodyspray, are you?”

That’s right – 3rd generation, almost two hours old, and bodyspray still stinks. It hangs in the air like the pain from a bad burn, too. It doesn’t fade slowly away after being bandaged. It lingers and it throbs and it lasts much longer than it should, so long that it begins to make you go crazy.

The thing about Axe is that it is, essentially, Tinkerbell Perfume for boys. And it’s not just because Axe (or Tag, or Adidas, or #######, or whatever other Wal-Mart brand bodyspray moms are buying their stinky kids these days) makes you smell like #######, nor because its use comes out of a juvenile attempt towards asserting one’s gender identity. The relationship is found mostly in the observed fact that approximately 114% of all male wearers of bodyspray pour on anywhere from two to five bottles per application, just like a 6-year-old girl pouring on kid perfume.

Maybe there’s only a small percentage of guys wearing this stuff, and it’s only because they use so much that the problem seems so bad. And maybe complaining about these kids is pointless — maybe, just maybe, these kids are confused and crying for help, doing whatever they think it takes to be manly in a confused world. After all, how should they know anything about wearing perfume? The real way to battle this evil to is try and figure it out – to trace it back to its source.

This problem started in late 2001, early 2002. Remember what boys were wearing back then? I’m talking about upside down, neon-colored visors: the greatest shame in the whole of human history.

The visors were where the dam broke. Think about it: what kind of statement could wearing a visor possibly make? “I’m a little old lady playing golf?” “I’m a guy playing poker in the desert?” Visors were SO useless, SO hideous, that they proved forever that a few commercials and well-placed celebrity endorsements could get our generation to do absolutely anything.

So, a few guys decided it was finally time to expand the microscopic age 18-35 cologne market. Dousing yourself in foul-smelling ####### had previously been something primarily associated with grandfathers and old French whores, but the visors had proven that even the most negative associations a product had could be overcome with the right marketing.

Here’s where a bunch of PR jerkholes realized that a series of commercials featuring pretty girls raping geeky guys would dupe us into pouring a mixture of ethyl alcohol and the sweat of a llama’s testicles onto our heads.

A ha! I think I’ve found the real problem here. We’re a bunch of desperately unattractive nerds who would willingly give ourselves headaches if we think it impresses girls. Don’t pretend those commercials aren’t why you buy the stuff—there is no other excuse.

I am sorry to break this to you all, but wearing Axe does not make you more attractive. As a matter of fact, (and ladies you should pay attention here), how much Axe you are wearing is probably a good measurement of how desperate you are.

There can be no proper conclusion to this piece, as there wasn’t a proper beginning or middle. All I can say is: Men, girls don’t care whether or not you wear Axe. Even if a very small amount of them do, they are probably the same girls who thought visors were hot in 2002, and they’ll get over it. If anything, smelling bad will actually hurt you when you’re trying to find a girl.

Girls, do your part. Refuse to touch a guy if he smells horrible. If talking to a boy gives you swimmy feeling like you’ve been in the sun too long, let him know that the foul way he smells is actually hurting you and not making you more likely to sleep with him.

[jelti 0]

I HATE Axe/Lynx. Hate, hate, hate it!!

[Jasman0717 9]

[mercuryroad 0]

LOL

I wear this stuff.....and the girls like it.

[Jenn! 918]

I actually like Axe.

[almaty 19]

I HATE Axe/Lynx. Hate, hate, hate it!!

me too..every IT geek here wears it ..hoping a female will notice them

[Mirorgate 0]

nuh-uh! commercials say it makes me babe-magnate #1!!!!!one!!!!

[almaty 19]

I actually like Axe.

work in IT?

[Jenn! 918]

I actually like Axe.

work in IT?

nope. I think my nose responds well when it knows we didn't have to shell out $80 for a bottle of Armani...

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Craig and Corey both wear Axe deoderant(but not body spray)and I really like it..they do as well! M.

Then again, they both bathe daily as well!

Edited April 25, 2006 by MichelleandCraig

[Tiksman 0]

I use the shower gel but never the body spray.

[Sister Fracas 5]

*trying to imagine hubster wearing Axe*

I had hard enough time getting him to use cucumber scented hand cream...LOL

[mercuryroad 0]

*trying to imagine hubster wearing Axe*

I had hard enough time getting him to use cucumber scented hand cream...LOL

The horror.....cucumber melon.....

Women dig body spray......what woman cannot submit to the irresitable flavor of fresh old spice?

[almaty 19]

i think the product is fine,.,the commericials are way over the top..

[Sister Fracas 5]

*trying to imagine hubster wearing Axe*

I had hard enough time getting him to use cucumber scented hand cream...LOL

The horror.....cucumber melon.....

Women dig body spray......what woman cannot submit to the irresitable flavor of fresh old spice?

grrrrrrrrrr...did I mention melon???

I don't want him all scented up...soap smell and cucumber hand cream is enough..LOL