HOW TO POOP AT WORK

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HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to

convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For

those who hate pooping at work, the following is the Survival Gude

for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not

in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where

it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full

fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell

has left your pants.

FLY BY:

This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in

and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,

leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT

FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly

going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:

This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a

Poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of

embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.

Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter

in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee.

It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes

both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.

This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should

happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the

bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.

This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the

bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF

SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just

stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if

someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend

that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be

avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:

This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You

will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a

newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the

office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping

goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the

whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE

HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:

A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building

where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly

of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex

entering the bathroom.

####### BURGLAR:

This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and

tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and

vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this

occurs, remain in the stall until the ####### Burglar leaves. This way

you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you

are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a

WATERMELON, or to alert potential ####### Burglars. The Camo-Cough

Is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:

An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential #######

Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will all doubt that the

stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire,leave the bathroom

immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:

A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting

the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a

Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the

toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a

Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:

An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.

This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the

mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to

relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the

bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom

attendees.

Hope this Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable

part of life!