Is he really your husband if you're not married?

[Jason-Sasha 1]

most of the answers are pretty much black or white, all or none. The papers are merely technicalities. I think being a spouse is more than papers. As far as the government is concerned, I'm not yet married. But according to my heart I am already.

[Converse34 1]

I'm actually leaning heavily in this direction myself. For one thing, it gets the government out of the business of putting a moral stamp of approval on relationships, which isn't the business of government anyway.

They government doesn't care morally, they care legally. You see it all the time where people who live together separate and they take up court time and want a judge to treat them as if they were married and go line item by line item on who gets what. Let's say you had different "levels" of marriage or co-habitation and you had to differentiate, well if you are only co-habiting you don't get spousal privilege and you don't next of kin.

If you don't have a legal document, one could argue "well, we never really lived together, I don't owe her anything" and so on and so.

[Fandango 1,440]

In the UK, the term 'partner' is used quite a bit. I suppose it's the alternative to 'husband/wife' and describes the situation accurately. When you get past age 18, 'bf/gf' seems silly (well to me it does)...esp when you're living together, yadda yadda yadda...

I referred to D as my 'partner' when I got back home, and everyone thought I was a lesbian

When I referred to 'my parter' with 'he/him/D/etc'...this one new colleague of mine at the time looked at me with such a confused look on her face, then came the 'oh so you're NOT a lesbian?????'

funneh

[almaty 19]

In the UK, the term 'partner' is used quite a bit. I suppose it's the alternative to 'husband/wife' and describes the situation accurately. When you get past age 18, 'bf/gf' seems silly (well to me it does)...esp when you're living together, yadda yadda yadda...

I referred to D as my 'partner' when I got back home, and everyone thought I was a lesbian

When I referred to 'my parter' with 'he/him/D/etc'...this one new colleague of mine at the time looked at me with such a confused look on her face, then came the 'oh so you're NOT a lesbian?????'

funneh

lol..i am sure she was sizing you up...just joking

[*JG* 2]

I personally say no. Not husband or wife till you are married.

However, it is pretty common in Jamaica to hear someone refer to their BF or GF as their husband or wife.

[Scott & Lai 12]

I'm actually leaning heavily in this direction myself. For one thing, it gets the government out of the business of putting a moral stamp of approval on relationships, which isn't the business of government anyway.

They government doesn't care morally, they care legally. You see it all the time where people who live together separate and they take up court time and want a judge to treat them as if they were married and go line item by line item on who gets what. Let's say you had different "levels" of marriage or co-habitation and you had to differentiate, well if you are only co-habiting you don't get spousal privilege and you don't next of kin.

If you don't have a legal document, one could argue "well, we never really lived together, I don't owe her anything" and so on and so.

Actually, I agree with you on that point; as I was saying above, I do think the paper matters...for one thing, it is a public demonstration of a commitment to a permanent relationship. What I was agreeing on with Fancypants in my quote above was the distinction between marriage and civil unions. Declaring a relationship to be a "marriage" or not is a moral question, and thus the purview of the Church or other religious institutions, not the government. The legal issues, which are the government's business, can be handled just fine under the category of civil unions, thus leaving the government out of putting its stamp of approval on moral issues that are not its business.

[DakotaK1 1]

I dont think you should call them your spouse either if your not married to them!

[Sister Fracas 5]

Obviously, legally the answer is quite clear. Either you are or you are not, depending on the laws in place in your jurisdiction.

That said, if someone wants to, in a non-legal capacity, use the term spouse in a manner not consistent with the law, what business is it of mine? Or of yours?

ETA: I voted other.

Yes, very well put... and if those laws include common law marriage, then yeah, those people...who according to some of you, are keeping an "escape route", are also husband and wife. It's so easy to dismiss something when it's different from your own experience. Personally, marriage and the piece of paper is something that appealed to me, but sheesh, I'm not going to say that if someone chooses not to get married that their relationship is less valid.

[Jenn! 918]

Obviously, legally the answer is quite clear. Either you are or you are not, depending on the laws in place in your jurisdiction.

That said, if someone wants to, in a non-legal capacity, use the term spouse in a manner not consistent with the law, what business is it of mine? Or of yours?

ETA: I voted other.

Yes, very well put... and if those laws include common law marriage, then yeah, those people...who according to some of you, are keeping an "escape route", are also husband and wife. It's so easy to dismiss something when it's different from your own experience. Personally, marriage and the piece of paper is something that appealed to me, but sheesh, I'm not going to say that if someone chooses not to get married that their relationship is less valid.

I don't think it's about being judgmental about others' relationships. For me, marriage is really just a formality, and I wouldn't feel that mine or anyone else's relationship is any less valid if they are not married. Isn't referring to someone as your spouse assuming that people will not respect your relationship otherwise?

[Sister Fracas 5]

I don't think it's about being judgmental about others' relationships. For me, marriage is really just a formality, and I wouldn't feel that mine or anyone else's relationship is any less valid if they are not married. Isn't referring to someone as your spouse assuming that people will not respect your relationship otherwise?

YES! Maybe they run into it enough to know that some people look down on unmarried couples and they don't want to deal with it.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

My vote is no. And as a precautionary comment, if the couple involves an alien that is seeking a K1, for goodness sake, if you are in this habit of referring to your betrothed, "get out of it" before you try to enter the country.

I think there is a cultural component to this, not by state but by your cultural heritage. My mother calls my fiance my husband. He has been calling me his wife for a year and a half and I have had to remind him that if he says that at the interview we'll be denied. His sister who lives in Europe told him that he should call me his fiancee and his response was that he has pledged to God that I am his wife and he will care for me all his days, therefore I am his wife. Many people see the committment of marraige as one before God, not before the courts, and thus define their marraige by their pledge to God. I see my fiance as my husband, but when I'm speaking to people at work or acquaintances, I refer to him as my fiance. Because it's the politically/socially correct term in this country. If I'm speaking with close friends or family, I refer to him as my husband.

[Zee Bee 61]

I think a lot of it is culture dependent.

My fiance and I refered to each other as husband/wife before we got engaged. In both our cultures in Ghana there is no word for "fiance/fiancee". When 2 people make a commitment to each other the words used to describe the relationship loosely translate to "my man/my woman". A lot of people in Ghana do not go the legal wedding route, especially in the areas.

That said, my fiance and I have stopped using husband/wife because we want no problems with immigration

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I think a lot of it is culture dependent.

My fiance and I refered to each other as husband/wife before we got engaged. In both our cultures in Ghana there is no word for "fiance/fiancee". When 2 people make a commitment to each other the words used to describe the relationship loosely translate to "my man/my woman". A lot of people in Ghana do not go the legal wedding route, especially in the areas.

That said, my fiance and I have stopped using husband/wife because we want no problems with immigration

Interesting. My wife says that true also in her native language (Bisaya), so your either boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife.

[JenT 0]

I understand the cultural component to all of this, however, one must understand the culture within which they live and the confusion it might cause if 'labels' are used out of their typical context.

In the US, the term husband/wife infers that a legal marriage has occurred. To mislead someone to believe you are legally married when you're not, is one's perogative, I suppose. It's one thing to do so verbally, quite another to fill in the significant other's personal information in the section that says "spouse" on any form, especially one that might be legally/financially binding.

[Sister Fracas 5]

I understand the cultural component to all of this, however, one must understand the culture within which they live and the confusion it might cause if 'labels' are used out of their typical context.

In the US, the term husband/wife infers that a legal marriage has occurred. To mislead someone to believe you are legally married when you're not, is one's perogative, I suppose. It's one thing to do so verbally, quite another to fill in the significant other's personal information in the section that says "spouse" on any form, especially one that might be legally/financially binding.

sure....unless you are in a state where common law marriage is legal.